Damien’s expression dropped from concern to shock. “Sorry, Em, I don’t think I heard you correctly.”

“Oh?” she tilted her head at him. “What did you think I had said?”

“I could’ve sworn you just called me ‘Daddy’.” he said, brow furrowed and dripping with sweat.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, breathier than he remembers her being. “Yeah, no, I did that.” she stated simply, her eyes shining with affection and… something else that was hard to parse. “Why, ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪᴛ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ ᴄᴀʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴀᴛ, ᴅᴀᴅᴅʏ?”

“No, I don’t.” said his aching head.

‘Yes, I do’ said his traitorous cock.

“Em, are you feeling okay?” he said, his face creased with worry.

“Oh man, Damien, you don’t even know.” she smiled over at him. Her eyes were sparkling like he had never seen, like two portals to a realm of pure enthusiasm, squirming with newborn dreams. “I’m serious.” she had shifted out of the beanbag and was now crawling towards him.

Daniel had always hated how bad he was at reading the subtext of people’s behavior. All these years, and he was pretty sure Em had been sending him signals that she was interested in him since the beginning.

Obviously he reciprocated. ‘No, obviously, I’ve been attached at the hip to a short, curvy redhead for years and I had never once considered asking if she wants to be more than friends’ is maybe an impossible thought to have. But he had seen so many friendships crumble over things like this. And he and Em were more than just friends. They were collaborators on a project that could change the human race’s very understanding of reality. Neither of them could afford to shatter that by probing too far into what was, in his mind, more than likely just another joke at his expense. The fact that they spend most evenings sequestered in their rooms, each silently masturbating to the thought of the other, was lost on both of them.

But this was a uniquely terrible time to finally break that seal. She was compromised and possibly in real physical danger. This wasn’t the time to excavate feelings.

This definitely wasn’t the time to have her plop herself down in his lap either, but that’s exactly what she did.

“I know what you think. Oh, ‘Em hurt her brain on drugs and now she’s crazy’, but it’s way cooler than that, I promise.” she giggled, reaching over for his computer mouse while rubbing her head against his chest.

Damien’s heart was pounding. His mouth felt dry. She was sitting on his lap, and it was taking all his concentration to keep her from feeling the tent forming in his pants.

Emma fiddled with the mouse for a moment before looking up at Damien with mock-desperation. “Okay, so I don’t really remember how to do the online stuff so good no more, but just pull up a news thing for me! I can show you the cool thing I found, I promise!”

“I… ‘news thing’? Emma, we need to get you to the ER now.” Damien protested.

“Okaaay, okaaay.” She whined. “Tell ya’ what: let me show you the cool thing I found, and then, if you still don’t believe me, you can take me to the doctor if you want.”

Damien relented and pulled up a browser tab. “Okay fine, so what did you want me to look up?”

“Eh, y’know, I said ‘news’, but it can probably be anything live now that I think about it.”

Damien navigated as quickly as he could to Twitch, where he found a stream of a man loudly slurping noodles while playing Dark Side of the Moon, but at an audio fidelity so low it was unidentifiable to automated copyright strikes.

“Oh, shit…” she said, and appeared to lose herself in the inane digital content for a full couple of minutes, reflexively squeezing Damien in her arms whenever the audio peaked.

‘Wait, is the target demographic of these streams people with brain damage?’ Damien mused internally. 

“So, sorry Em, was this what you wanted to show me?” he finally asked.

She stared at him as if being awoken from a coma. “Huh? Oh, right, the thing!” her face went from vacant to back to gleeful in an instant. “Okay, so check this out.”

She cleared her throat and stared intently at the screen. Damien could swear he saw her eyes ripple like the surface of a pond.

“Okay, so ɪɴ 𝟧𝟥 ꜱᴇᴄᴏɴᴅꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴏᴏᴅʟᴇ ɢᴜʏ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇɢɪɴ ᴄʜᴏᴋɪɴɢ.”

Damien clutched at his temples. Something about her voice in that moment felt like spiders trying to escape from the inside of his skull. It was like being wrapped in a warm blanked made of rotting kelp. It was maddening. But Emma didn’t wait for him to process before she launched into an argument with herself.

“Wait, no! I was enjoying that!” she protested to herself.

“ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴄᴀᴜꜱᴇ ᴛʜᴇꜱᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢꜱ ᴛᴏ ʜᴀᴘᴘᴇɴ, ᴍᴇʀᴇʟʏ ᴏʙꜱᴇʀᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ɪɴᴇᴠɪᴛᴀʙɪʟɪᴛʏ.” she ‘replied(?)’.

Damien was aghast. “So the cool thing you found was that you gave yourself DID?”

“No, watch! It’s gonna happen! Even if I don’t want it to…”

“Emma…” before Damien could complete his pitch to drive her to the hospital, a retching sound emitted from the monitor.

They sat for a couple moments in stunned silence, listening to the man attempt to breathe.

“I mean, he was inhaling that fucking ramen. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to predict–”

“ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜ, ʜᴇ'ꜱ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴏᴜɢʜ ᴜᴘ ᴀ ʀᴜʙʏ ᴇɴɢᴀɢᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ ʀɪɴɢ.”

*hack hack hack bleeeeergghhh* *plink* the screen confirmed. The noodle guy gasped for air. Emma looked visibly relieved that she hadn’t just lost her new favorite streamer, and cuddled into Damien like she could build a nest in his chest cavity.

Damien was now pretty certain that he was the one going insane.