The first full day of the Mesmerized erotic hypnosis convention had begun and Madison had taken great care to be presentable for it. She would be teaching her 101 class for hypnotists and hypnotees and was fortunate enough to have a slot on the first day of the event. Though luck was only part of it. It made sense that those in need of a 101 class receive that information at the start of the event so they could enjoy the other classes.

 

She approved of the sensible scheduling and was also glad to get her teaching out of the way early so she could enjoy the remainder of the event without additional worry plaguing her. After the class was done, her only other obligation was to be a good demo partner for Donna's Saturday class.

 

Saph was not teaching at all. When Madison first met Saph he would teach two or three classes every event but had burned out over the years and the number of willing and eager presenters had increased with every passing year.

 

Bell had left a message after going to bed stating that she wanted to take the morning slow, go for a walk and get some coffee. Madison was disappointed to lose some time she could be spending with her long distance love but knew how fragile Bell in particular was after a meltdown. It was best to let her conserve energy so she could handle the convention.

 

 

The halls of the convention were far more active now that the event was in swing. The convention wing of the hotel was a gigantic open area cordoned off by sliding walls that could transform each conference room into a series of smaller spaces. The event used two floors. One with larger spaces where the total floorspace was divided between 3 larger classrooms and then they opened up at night to provide a large open space for evening events while the lower rooms remained as 6 smaller classrooms that were used for vending and unplanned events such as LARPs and subcommunity meet-ups.

Both Madison and Donna’s classes were scheduled to take place in mid-sized rooms. Madison’s because the 101 drew a crowd and Donna’s because she needed the floorspace to perform her demonstrations.

 

The first round of classes were wrapping up as Madison navigated the corridors. Familiar faces surrounded her and she felt completely at home with her people and among those people was one of her partners.

 

“Good morning, my Lady.”

 

Audrey had been casually speaking with a group of people in the hall and turned when Madison spoke. She was wearing androgynous attire that emphasized casual comfort while still being neatly formal. Her eyes flashed with satisfaction to see Madison so enthused for the day.

 

“There she is…” she mused, stroking her cheek thoughtfully, “I was just telling someone that your class was a must. How was your evening, my dear?”

 

“Pleasant.” Madison responded, “Our date left me in a good mood.”

 

As Madison spoke she absently found herself gathering her hair and presenting the bare skin that Audrey had marked the previous day. The action was as natural and normal as breathing. She didn’t even realize it was a result of Audrey’s compulsion to present herself for her partner’s teeth when they were together.

 

Audrey’s hand grazed against the side of Madison’s neck, nails gently gliding over the red mark, eliciting an electric shiver from Madison. When Audrey spoke to people, particularly those she had forged a rapport with, she always entered their personal bubble and lingered within it. She was casual with her touch and her eyes did not drift from the person who was the focus of her attention.

 

It pushed on Madison’s submissive buttons. To feel Audrey’s casual aura pressing against her, eyes baring down upon her. She squirmed lightly on the spot. Audrey’s hand met her cheek and steadied her.

“My pleasure...” Audrey said, voice airy as ever. While she spoke her fingers slid down Madison’s cheek and her thumb caught under her chin, circling on skin, eyes still fixed upon Madison’s. With the most gentle pressure she navigated Madison’s head to open up that red spot even further, “It shows off well on your skin.”

 

Madison tilted her head and blushed gently.

 

Audrey tilted her own head in bemusement and delicately slid her nails back to that red mark. Another electric shiver ran through Madison’s body.

 

“There you go, pretty girl, I can see you feel it.” Audrey muttered in a sing-songy tone, watching her with careful and unwavering eyes, “My teeth. Sinking into your flesh. Reminding you of what you are.”

The shivers continued as Audrey gently teased her nail up and down the sensitive skin. Madison’s knees weakened and a mewling whimper escaped her lips.

 

“Hmm?” it almost sounded like curiosity but Madison knew too well her Lady was well aware of what she was doing, thank you very much.

 

“Y— yours!” Madison gasped.

 

“My? My, my… my what, my dear?” as she spoke the nail twisted and Madison could feel the sharpness of teeth piercing her and filling her head with light swooning bliss. She wobbled and Audrey caught her delicately, steadying her in place, eyes unyielding in their attention on Madison as she squirmed.

 

“Your thrall, my lady. I’m your helplessly hypnotized thrall.”

 

The corner of Audrey’s lips twitched in the slimmest approval. Her eyes remained dead focused and Madison’s, in turn, yielded to their force. Her voice growing ever distant, her tension all releasing until she was gliding on Audrey’s feather touch.

 

“Mmm…” Audrey sighed, “Such a pretty snack…” the nail dug against Madison’s skin and she let out an unguarded yelp. Each crackle of rapturous pain snagging her out of her entranced reverie as Audrey’s firm eyes drew her back in. Up and down. In and out. Cycling through trance without even needing to direct. It was the natural dance of their play and both knew the steps quite well.

 

“Please…!” Madison whimpered, “Please, snack on me…! Please let me feed you…!” her gasps carried desperation in them, she didn’t want to have this stop. It felt too good.

 

“I’ll do as I please.” Audrey said, matter of factly. From her side she heard a throaty whimper that was not from her chosen scene-partner. She looked to the source of the sound and found an unfamiliar individual lingering in their scene space, their eyes wide in a puppy-dog pleading expression that she’d have expected from someone she was actively working on. Eyes that betrayed a hint of expectation and longing to them. She raised her eyebrows at the onlooker and turned back to Madison, “…but you have a class to teach.”

 

With that statement she removed her hand from Madison’s neck and dusted off her shoulder, Madison looked between the hand and those ever present eyes and stumbled her words, “Buh-buh-buh?! Wha… I…?”

 

“One musn’t be fractionated when they are presenting, my dear.” she took a moment to savor Madison’s incredulous reaction to her sudden denial as her fingers trailed back to circle around the red spot, never quite pressing the delicate skin. Madison shivered under her touch.

 

“Hah-rumph!” Madison pouted, her voice a little more grounded from being brought so rudely from her trance, “I’ll have you know I am quite practiced at subject agency!”

 

“Mmm…” Audrey mused, tilting her head, “We have also attracted an audience…”

The onlooker was a younger person with curly brown hair, thick glasses held in red plastic frames and an anime t-shirt. They gave a shy wave, “You’re so good at that!”

 

“I don’t recall inviting you into our scene…?” Audrey said with a quizzical tone that made it unclear if she was asking a question to this unfamiliar individual, to herself, the universe at large or just making a statement that required no response.

 

“We’re in public space!” the anime t-shirt protested.

 

“And this suspends the rules of etiquette.” Audrey said in mock comprehension, “Ah, I see. Well, that explains it, then.”

 

Madison was more aware of herself now. She was a little disappointed that her play had been cut short but at least there was no malice intended. She was already about to run a 101 class, she felt no reason not to use this as a teaching moment, “I think the issue is less that you were watching and more that you were in our bubble and interacting with our play.”

 

The young onlooker surrendered a wounded sorrowful expression, “I didn’t mean to…”

 

Madison nodded patiently, “I take it this is your first kink event?”, the anime shirt was wearing their badge and it had the First Time Attendee sticker on it as well as the participant’s name “Rizon” and pronouns indicating they/them.

 

“First big one, anyway… I’ve been to a munch or two!”

 

“And you’re on your own?”

 

Rizon nodded shyly.

 

"Well, welcome. So, quick crash-course in the etiquette of watching a scene: avoid making noise that distracts the folk involved, or getting in their space to the point where your presence is, itself, a distraction." Madison smiled gently. "I'm not upset with you, everyone needs to learn some time, but it is something that can get you into a bit of trouble if you aren't careful."

 

Audrey planted a hand on Madison’s shoulder delicately as she began to pull away, “It’s almost time for classes… another time, hmm?”

 

Madison traded from helper mode to humble submissive mode in a heartbeat as she lowered her head, “Yes, my Lady.”

 

“Now go, be helpful…” Audrey said, waving her hand in a gesture that felt both a farewell and a shooing motion at once, “Stay out of trouble. I’d wish you luck with your class but you’ve taught it often enough you know the material by heart.”

 

Madison chirped an affirmative and rocked on her feet, turning her attention back to the new attendee, “I’ve got to go teach the 101. Maybe I’ll see you inside? If not, those people chatting in the corner are a good lot, tell them Madison sent you. With a shirt like that you’ll fit in, I know.”

 

Satisfied with her good deed of the day, Madison made her way over to the classroom dedicated to her class. The event had been at this hotel for a number of years and nostalgia greeted her as she entered the room. She’d attended a number of classes in this very space and taught a couple, too. The scent alone grounded her in confidence with the reminder that she’d gone over this content many times before.

 

The chairs were filled in two aisles facing front. A number of people were already sat and waiting for the class to start, some she even knew. At the front was a familiar redhead.

 

“Hey, you. Did you have a nice coffee?”

 

Bell turned to look and offered a smile. Madison knew it was Bell on sight. The smile carried none of Bella’s radiant unfiltered joy nor Donna’s mischief. It felt off in a way that Madison couldn’t quite place.

“Nothing to write home about, but enough to get me up and moving. Are you feeling ready for your class?”

 

Madison took the seat next to Bell and hovered her hand close to her partner’s shoulder with intention. Bell noticed and gave a nod, silently requesting she make contact, which she did. Bell’s eyes closed in comfort at the touch.

 

“I’m feeling as ready as I ever do. The content is pretty easy to get through, it’s the Q&A that keeps me on my toes.” she gave Bell a gentle look, “I know the full conversation will have to wait until later, but I’m worried. I know how you can be the morning after something like yesterday.”

 

Bell’s eyes averted with a wounded shyness, there were times Madison’s perceptiveness cut through her bravado. “I’ll be fine. Promise. I’m taking care of myself. Can we get lunch after and talk more?”

“I’d like that. You pick the place. We can drive out, if you have anything you want to talk about then I’ll be here to listen. Can I kiss you?”

 

Bell broke into an unguarded smile and gave a soft nod. “I’d like that.”

 

She gave a tender kiss and took Bell’s hand in her own, giving a supporting squeeze. Bell closed her eyes and savored the connection for all it was worth before gently tapping on the back of Madison’s palm to indicate she was okay. 

 

Madison nodded back, trusting her partner’s communication, and pulled herself to the front of the conference room where a hotel chair had been placed for her to speak. She sat and let the room pour in the stragglers before the volunteer watching the doors closed them to indicate class was in session.

 

Madison had taught the class a number of times and was able to run entirely off the top of her head. Bell didn’t really need to pay close attention to the lesson. She had done her fair bit of reading into hypnotic theory over the years and had some personal experience with Madison’s style on either side of the watch, albeit more accurately Bella and Donna had those experiences and Bell was just a third wheel experiencing it with them.

 

Bell didn’t like to think of it like that but as she listened to Madison discussing things that she did with her partners in the past the fond emotions of familiarity and pride were shaped like the parts of herself that Bell rejected. She would either have to own them as her own emotions or accept that ‘the others’ were real and… that still took active effort.

 

She was trying, though.

 

“Now, I want to remind you all that every person in this room has a different relationship with hypnosis and play. What works for me may not work for you and that’s okay. But that’s why it’s always important to talk. You have to have the conversation.”

 

Madison’s impassioned voice carried through the room. Some seats were filled with youngsters eager to absorb every word and put it into practice over the long-weekend, other seats yet were filled with those taking notes, some even had a casual posture that was more akin to listening to a friend in conversation.

 

Madison was right to note that the morning after a meltdown came at cost. Bell was past her bandwidth and she knew it. Neither the bitter coffee or the scalding hot bath had done much to erase the thin-skinned feeling she was experiencing. Her thoughts felt so loud that she couldn’t process them and the air itself was prickling against her emotional sensitivities. She was having difficulty feeling the familiar shapes of her ‘more than moods’. More than anything she just felt stretched thin, spread thin over too much toast as a famous Hobbit once said.

 

Bell liked people watching in situations where she was adrift in a maelstrom of her own thoughts. Somehow viewing the scene and scanning the environment felt like a natural way to absorb information. It allowed her to not participate in the present moment. To not process her presence in the room at all and merely watch the world around her as a passive observer.

 

It felt liberating. All the perks of isolation without the pain of loneliness.

 

“So, here’s an example which could come into play. I’ve seen people take this class and think that the most efficient way to get their hypnotee to share their interests and desires is to bring them into trance and pluck the truth from their lips and though I understand the impulse-” Madison paused for emphasis, "that kind of suggestion can be dangerous and accidentally compel hypnotees to share things they wouldn't consent to share otherwise."

 

Bell thought back to the earliest days of her relationship when she had been playing with the ‘share your desires’ trigger with Bella.

 

-

 

 

 

-

 

Bell wasn’t certain she had ever asked where those complicated feelings originated. She felt guilty she’d never asked. Madison always displayed such curiosity and care with every little shift in her emotional state and she was willing to let such large olive branches of disclosure go uninvestigated. It panged a sense of guilt.

 

She made a note that she would need to in the future.

 

“And it’s about fostering that trust, isn’t it? When you go into a scene, especially with someone you’re new with, you want to ensure that both parties know what the scene will contain when you begin. Now, sure, things may grow and evolve in the moment, but those discussions can help you map out what’s on limits and what’s off limits and a hypnotist has a lot of responsibility to keep things in those lines but a hypnotee does too. Subject agency is a thing, people!”

 

Hearing Madison talk about the limits and agreements like this reminded Bell of the event where they had begun dating and the promise that the pair of them made about how far Donna was allowed to go. Bell couldn’t help but fall a little bit further in love with the woman she was already head over heels for, she was so deliberate and loving in her approach. 

 

That promise meant the world to her and Madison, in front of an audience, was making it clear that the promise was not accommodation or navigating the oddity of their relationship. It was just who Madison was. 

 

It also reminded her of something that she would go on to voice to a stuffed cat.

 

-

 

 

-

 

This was not the first time her mind had drifted back to the day that she had positioned Bella’s beloved Elphie on the dashboard of Madison’s car and tried to speak to the ‘more than moods’ in her heart. 

Ben’s emergence the previous day had left her shaken. On that day she had wanted so very much to be able to speak with him. Now she had confirmation that he was there. That he had a seat in that stupid library they were dreaming up. That he could answer. That he wasn’t erased and Bell had not been the one to kick him out of his own heart and mind.

 

If he was still there and able to communicate with the world, why did it make Bell feel so uneasy and exposed?

 

She knew she needed to unpack it.

 

She just wished it didn’t have to be at an event when she had the rare opportunity to see Madison.

 

The more Madison sunk into the flow of the lesson the more passionate she seemed and her face was animated and expressive with each and every anecdote. At times she stole brief looks to her girlfriend in the audience. Beneath the chaos of her loud thoughts she could feel the Donna shaped emotions in her heart basking in this spotlight. Being singled out in a crowd always seemed to delight her.

Bell couldn’t help but smile at how vain her other self was. There was a time that noting a rush of vanity from her emotions would summon instant shame and revulsion… but this is who Donna is, it’s what she is. How could Bell be ashamed of Donna’s emotions?

 

…actually, there were a few ways she could imagine it…

 

But she didn’t want to at that moment. It was a positive emotion and she needed positivity to break through the shadows that plagued her mood. She instead imagined Donna in the library with a full length mirror posing in a shimmering dress. That thought gave her comfort.

 

She didn’t expect thinking of Donna would ever give her comfort.

 

After the class Madison lingered at the front of the room for a short time to answer some questions, shake hands and greet some friends who had come to support her. Bell politely waited behind them, waiting for the chance to offer a kind smile and light applause.

 

“Good class as always, love.”

 

“Thank you, Bell. I think it went okay, though we may need to clear out before the next class starts. Did you still want to get lunch?”

 

“I can’t think of anything I want more.”

 

-

 

Lunch was Panera Bread and was taken back to the comfort of Bell’s hotel room so the two of them could return to the event as soon as they were done eating or, should the moment invite it, they didn’t have to go anywhere before exploring play options.

 

While the pair ate, Bell’s eyes kept drawing to the mirror. Madison had not spent too much time in shared space with her girlfriend but she recognized the faraway look in her eyes. It was similar to how a lot of the people at the convention looked in the middle of a scene.

 

Dissociated.

 

Hypnosis was just a guided form of something that Bell’s brain did naturally, after all.

 

“...is something wrong?” Madison asked, carefully.

 

Bell sighed, light returned to her eyes but her expression remained neutral. “I still see him in my reflection… even all these years later.” her eyes turned back to the mirror and then as if the image reached out and struck her, she recoiled back to Madison.

 

Madison stayed quiet and comforting. It was something Bell liked about Madison. She didn’t scramble to escape discomfort the moment the vibe changed.

 

“I just didn’t expect he was still here, you know?”

 

Madison tilted her head skeptically, “I remember a couple months back you told me that you were hoping to see him. To apologize for pushing him away.”

 

Bell nodded sadly, “And now he’s here… and I can see him in the mirror.” Madison watched as an emotion crossed her body, in reaction Bell reached over the bed and grabbed Elphie to hold the plush cat close to her chest, Bella had reacted to something inside of their head. “...I don’t mean Ben… I mean, I do… but…” she breathed in and clamped her eyes closed, “When I look at my face and sense him in the reflection… I see our dad.”

 

Madison shot across the distance between the pair and wrapped her arms tight and warm around Bell. Their long distance relationship had made it so she’d often longed to do this during such moments in their past, it was fortunate she was here to do it in this moment.

 

Bell sat and accepted the hug and returned it with rigid caution. “I… don’t really know how to describe it. But dysphoria and dissociation can get elevated when I’m all whipped up and unstable... and I guess Ben being around…” she turned her head to the mirror, Madison could see that it took effort to force herself to continue looking. It was obviously causing her discomfort.

 

“Even The House have learned that if I just zone out staring at my hand then something is wrong.” she held her hand to her reflection and gently grazed her fingers against the surface of the mirror, her eyes were glazing, not unlike how Bella looked while in trance, “Because there’s just times where it’s not the right skin. The right reflection. You know?”

 

“Not from experience, but I can follow what you’re saying. I have moments sometimes where I see too much of mother in myself. And it's true, I have some of her traits. But the ways I actively work to be different from her are just as real, y'know?"

 

“I mean… what is real? Whatever it is, I know I’m doing it wrong. Seeing things that aren’t really there, hearing things, understanding things wrong…” she sharply shut her eyes, trying to ward off further memories, “and when I’m on a slide like this? It’s just… fuck. I don’t know, love, I feel broken… powerless… and I don’t know how to stop it.”

“Y’all are working hard with Clare to manage it, though. I’ve seen it. You’re making progress.”

 

Elphie tumbled out of Bell’s arms as the redhead shifted positions to hold her head in her hands, shielding her expression from Madison’s perceptive eyes.

 

“I’m really trying to hold it together, Madison. Why is it always like this with me? Why can’t I just enjoy this weekend for what it is without falling apart?”

 

“I know you are. But you have to remember that events like these offer a lot of additional stresses. There’s travel, there’s speaking to a lot of people, there’s the number of times you’ve been switching. Donna has a class to teach tomorrow, too… there’s a lot on your plate.”

 

At that moment a shrill laugh echoed beyond the heavy door of Room 321. A group of con-goers were loudly joking around as they walked down the hall.

 

“See, like that,” Madison continued patiently, “Events like this are noisy. They’re chaotic. Last night, even, I had trouble sleeping because there was a room party going on down the hall and people kept slamming the door too loud when they left. You’re outside of your comfortable environment. It’s a unique situation, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for having a hard time with it.”

 

“That’s just the thing, Madison. This is normal for me. I think that people focus too much on the blast… you know? The eruption. I guess it makes sense. To outside eyes that’s the big spectacle. It’s the thing that gains attention. Like what cinema tells folks to expect. Although in movies when people feel something so strongly that it can no longer be contained they either break into a fight scene or a dance number, either way there’s a lot of flashy choreography.”

 

Madison plucked Elphie up and absently stroked her, as if she could beam some affection from the plush cat into her partner. She didn’t want to disrupt Bell’s words and wanted to give her space to continue.

 

“But with me–” she paused and breathed in, catching herself in denial again, “with us, we implode, you know? Crumple in on ourselves. I guess that’s common with survivors. Didn’t he say something about that yesterday even? Don’t give a reaction, that’s what they want?”

 

“He did say that, yes…” Madison responded. Not verbally adding the note that she recognized Bell was present enough to remember what Ben had said. She did notice these things.

“So when I get all stressed out and activated and terrified I just… can’t handle it. I wish I knew what the magic trigger was that makes it pull out Bella or Donna and their extroverted nature or even Sis and Ben’s ability to turn off the discomfort and act.”

 

“I don’t like identifying them by roles, but they are here for reasons. You all are. You included, Bell.”

Bell scoffed and shook her head, “What am I? The borderline personality disorder? The insecure little tick in our head that keeps telling us we’re going to be abandoned or forces us to cling too tightly to people?”

 

“How about the part who cared enough to start your transition? The part who knows how to keep going, even when it feels impossible? Like, in a sustainable way, not in a handling-a-crisis way.”

“Isn’t that more what ‘Sis’ does…?” 

 

“From what I’ve seen of her, she handles the immediate situation. Not the long-term ones.”

 

“Hah…” Bell sighed, “You say that but you’ve not seen how reactive I can be. Destructively so….” for the first time Madison had noticed in this conversation her eyes darted to the side. A sense of calm washed over her features, enough that Madison was surprised it was still Bell’s voice and body language that continued speaking “Do you know what a ‘Favorite Person’ is? Sometimes they call it a ‘Focus Person’?”

 

Madison bookmarked a question on who had spoken to Bell inside of her head, but did not want to interrupt as she shared her thoughts, she seemed to have a lot of them to share, “I’m not familiar, no.”

“Well… in borderline communities the FP can become the sole obsession of the disordered person. They adopt their interests, they become desperate for their attention, they hinge their entire life on getting approval for them in the moments they don’t split on them, that is to say, switch between valuing and devaluing a person.”

 

“I’m not up for talking about the specifics right now… but you’re not the first person that I’ve… been this attached to… and the others?” an indescribable pain washed over Bell’s face, thinking about this was hurting her as sure as any physical bruise or cut, “We’re not on good terms any longer.”

 

“I’m sorry that you lost those connections, Bell.” Madison took Bell’s hand, holding it gently. “I wish you didn’t have to deal with that pain.”

 

Bell clamped her hand to Madison’s and squeezed with desperation, “I’m terrified that I’ll fuck it up with you one day. That I’ll be inattentive. Be too much of a chore. Take and take and take until you can’t stand me any more or that I’ll wear you out, sense rejection, get hurt, get scared, burn this bridge and…” she couldn’t bring herself to finish that thought, “I’m scared.”

 

“Oh, love …” Madison said, her heart breaking at the very idea, “I don’t want to lose this connection  with you - with y’all - either. I want to spend the rest of my life building this relationship.”

 

“You’re too nice to me…” Bell sighed, defeated.

 

“How could I be?” Madison said with sincere confusion in her tone, “There’s no such thing as being too nice to you. I’ll always do everything I can to care for you. When it comes to time and understanding there’s no such thing as too much I can offer.”

 

For a moment there was nothing. Bell was just dead weight in her arms, it was enough that she was once again concerned there had been a switch. But the voice that spoke was still recognizably Bell.

 

“Too much…” she let out a dry laugh, “You can’t say that to me. Please don’t say that.”

 

“Why not?” Madison asked, sensing that there was more to Bell’s pained reaction than what was happening in this moment. 

 

“Because I’ll just be a selfish drain on you. Force you to pour yourself into a bottomless cup until I’ve drained all kindness. Insert myself into every little bit of your life until you’re sick of me, until you need to push me away.” her voice trembled but remained distant, Madison carefully slipped her hand around her partner’s wrist. She was reliving something and a gentle reminder of the present was the least she could offer along with the space to let her speak.

 

“I promise you that we’ll talk about it if it ever becomes an issue but I really do mean it when I say you don’t drain me. You give me spoons, not cost them.” with deliberate and slow movements she offered a hand to Bell’s cheek and pressed gently with a compassionate gaze of sincerity. Bell’s eyes averted as they often did, “It means a lot to me that you have a life outside of our relationship. I want you to spend time with your other partners and have interests outside of our relationship.”

 

A long draw in of breath is all the external sign that Bell had even heard her. The longer they spoke the more distant she seemed.“I just keep thinking back to last night and how much I took from you then. How much I’m taking from you now. When you have other partners who need your time and attention… Like I know I shouldn’t be so clingy and attached and knowing that makes me want to just grip on tighter… and you’re not my only partner yet I sometimes find myself constantly giving every moment I can to you at cost to them…”

 

“That would only be fair if we weren’t both doing other things this weekend. I spent my time with Audrey yesterday. Saph and I get our nights and mornings. You have your date with Kayleigh tonight. You’re not neglecting your other partners or you’d not have made those plans. Plus I got the opportunity to have some quiet time with Ben. Spending time with each part of you matters to me, Bell. Because you’re all part of my girlfriend. That’s not time wasted or stolen. It’s a precious opportunity to make new memories with you.” Madison laid her spare hand on the one resting on Bell’s wrist. “Look. I know you’ve been hurt in the past. That it’s scary for you to care so much about someone after losing people close to you so recently. I just hope that you’ll come to trust in what we’re building with intention.”

 

“I just don’t understand it…” she shook her head, “Time after time I build up these relationships and just ruin it. Even my parents didn’t want me around. Like love was owed by them and they ejected me. I want to take responsibility for that. I want to own it and fix my behavior because I’m the common factor, aren’t I? Just by wanting to be loved. I take and take and take and use people. Like I am right now. Forcing you to manage me. I feel so selfish right now and I can’t stop it. Even though I know I can’t give you what you give me in return. You deserve to be loved the way you love me.”

“It’s not managing, though. It’s being present for someone I love. Plus, relationships aren’t transactional. There’s no deserving. There’s just what brings joy to either party and you do make me happy. You do, Bell.” Madison spoke her words with firm intent and punctuated them with a gentle squeeze of the wrist.

 

“I just don’t want my love for you to be an illness. A burst of mania that will eat through both of us until we’re worse off for it.”

 

“How long have we known one another?” Madison responded, her voice light in tone, fondness radiating from her, “Not just in person, which is a few years, but online too. It’s been over a decade… and even back then, you were someone I could trust. Someone I could talk to. Even during the worst days in this community. I never once felt unsafe with you… and it was intentional and deliberate, right? We kept finding one another over and over again on all the different websites and socials. Even with different names. If things are owed, deserved or earned then we’ve put in the work. You’ve put in the work. This love we had was built piece by piece. It didn’t come from nowhere.”

 

Bell’s hand clamped down into a fist. Her jaw tightened. Inside of her head she could feel that static storm of like-charged magnets pressed against her temple, pressuring all the contents within.

 

It hurt.

 

It physically hurt.

 

To Madison’s eyes she just locked up. Eyes completely unfocused. Body tight, rigid and unresponsive. Her skin even appeared a little more pale than it had done moments before.

The corners of her eyes stung with tears.

 

“Bell…?”

 

The redhead burst forward and buried herself into a hug, resting her head against Madison’s chest. A gentle exhausted sob emitted against Madison’s shirt.

 

“Oh sweetling…” she sighed, fondly, “Did I push too hard or did Bell just need a break?”

 

Bella sniffled and shook her head, clinging tighter still.

 

“‘m sorry…” her shaky voice whimpered before being consumed by sniffling sobs once again.

 

 

Madison gently planted a hand on her soft girlfriend’s hair and brushed softly. Allowing her to get the emotion out. Bottling it up was clearly not doing Bell any favors.

 

“I’m not being too much am I?”

 

Madison leant down and kissed the top of Bella’s head, worried for how much her partner had been pushing herself.

 

“No… sweetling… I want you to feel safe being yourself. How often have you had to hold back to manage other people? I’ve had to do that too, you know? Remember in December when I was home and you helped comfort me and cheer me up after a rough night?”

 

Bella let out a soft “Mhmm?” in response, her face remained buried.

 

“That’s why door slams at 1am keep me from sleeping. I know what it’s like to have to walk on eggshells around a home. How to manage my reactions so I don’t upset the people around me. I know all about making yourself small, not taking up space and trying to manage someone else… and sweetling? Y’all don’t make me do that. I mean it when I say I feel safe with you. I can take up space. I can let hold me from behind without being scared. Donna even got to share a kitchen with me and I think Saph is the only other person in the world I feel safe enough to do that with.”

At last Bella removed herself from Madison’s graphic t-shirt and looked up at her with an awestruck expression.

 

“I don’t manage you, sweetling. Any of you. I communicate… and yes, some of it is heavy, but I know I can be honest with you and I trust you in being honest with me. That means more than Bell seems to believe.”

 

“You feel safe around us…?” Bella asked softly.

 

“I do. Absolutely.” Madison responded plainly.

 

“...we feel safe around you, too.”

 

“I know, sweetling. I had a lovely dinner with Ben last night. If that isn’t proof of how much y’all feel safe around me then I don’t know what is.” Madison brushed some hair from Bella’s brow and smoothed a line of tear stain from her cheek, “I hope Bell knows that. That she doesn’t take it for granted.”

 

Bella just shook her head sadly, mussing up a bit of the hair Madison had neatened.

 

“I don’t think she can hear right now…”

 

“That’s ok. Then I’ll tell her that when she’s able to hear it.” Madison held Bella close, wishing there was more she could do to ease her girlfriend’s heart. “But you - well, Donna, I assume? - have a date tonight, dont’ you? Is there anything I can do to help you settle? You having quality time with Kayleigh is important to me!”

Bella buried herself back into the hug.

 

“Promise we’ll not waste any of the time we have?”

 

“Every second is precious to me.”

 

“...then can we get back to the con?”

 

“As you wish, sweetling.”