The Love and Trances of Madison and Belladonna
Belladonna Hates Being Picked Up (Mesmerized - Day 1)
by Cammie Dawn
Tags:
#consensual_kink
#dom:female
#f/f
#romantic
#sub:female
#asexual_characters
#multiple_partners
#plurality
#polyamory
#realistic
#transgender_characters
See spoiler tags :
#sub:maleThe Mesmerized hypnosis convention has begun. Bella is mesmerized by an orb. Madison learns about some of Belladonna's teen years. Bell can't stand looking in the mirror.
CW: This chapter has a moment where Belladonna discusses a teenage memory of bullying that triggers sense memory of deeper trauma. We avoid discussing the deeper details but the implications are present.
Belladonna's male alter fronts during this chapter and is referred to in narrative and by other characters with he/him pronouns. This is not intended to reflect on the system's gender identity. Ben is male. Belladonna is female.
Bella awoke to sunlight. Her head felt heavy and she was having difficulty pulling context from the previous night. She carefully took stock of her surroundings. This was hardly the first time she’d woken up in these surroundings dazed and disoriented. It took only a few seconds to cement herself as being in a room in a hotel she had become quite familiar with.
“Finally!”
It was the first day of Mesmerized! The annual winter hypnosis convention, Bella’s favorite weekend of any given year. She shot out of bed and made her way through a morning routine. It was 10:14am. The registration desk was open and Dove’s polyamory class wasn’t until 2pm. She could take her time to pluck out her favorite outfit, get some make-up and most importantly get caffeinated.
She loaded up the complimentary coffee machine and once it was brewing she pulled up her tablet. She’d neglected to write anything the previous day. She knew she had been fronting when Madison was there and they had likely done some hypnosis play but she had to take inventory of the whole day. Flying out, checking in, meeting Madison and…
Events were not clear to her beyond what context told her to be true. Fortunately therapy had been teaching her how to overcome that stumbling block.
Inside her mind she imagined the safety of her library. She pictured the weight and balance of her white rocking chair at the circle table. She pictured the way dust danced in the sunbeams through the single-pane glass windows. She remembered in reality there was a rose crest on the highest window with tinted glass and she loved the spire of red light filtered through the rose surrounded by the amber light of the setting sun after school. Remembering this in her internal safe space made it feel more inviting. More real.
“Is anyone there…?”
Reaching inside and finding the others was still not easy. She had no problems imagining things in the library. Already her corner was starting to fill up with little tokens and totems that she felt were hers and not the system’s. Elphie being the most cherished of these personal items. But it was not easy to pull the shape of Donna and request her attend the table.
“Okay… well… the con has started and we have to share!” she thought loudly to her own head, “I’m going to start typing now and if any of you want to, chime in, okay!”
Clare’s lessons in internal communication were ongoing. She had no idea how to ‘talk’ to the others. But she was getting an innate feel for it.
Clare had suggested focusing on leaving ‘notes’ for the others if they couldn’t feel for one another directly. That advice seems to have helped up until now but it did little to provide her the much needed context for the blank spots in their memory. Still, she thought, any little prod may help. She focused on the table at the center of the library and looked at the chairs. Each plucked from memories of their mutual history, associations each had with the life that they shared.
A plush armchair from her childhood home, the office chair from one of her old jobs, a bar stool from a pub her family frequented, the sofa they had rescued and kept in the flat they used to squat in and her own, an ivy wrapped hanging garden chair that reminded her of cats and the scent of autumn.
Each chair felt like the members of the system and that feeling helped her find the shape of them within her mind. Even if they couldn’t ‘speak’ she could tug on the emotion of them and ‘feel’ their presence. Even the ever elusive Sis and Ben.
When she imagined tracing the fuzzy fabric of the bar stool she could smell the stale air of alcohol and the twinge of fear that summoned Ben’s bravado-fueled lackadaisical attitude trying to associate into an environment that was so loud and boisterous.
When she imagined the frayed fabric of the rescued sofa she could feel Sis’ bitterness rallying at the injustice of her circumstance, the hot and burning shame that came from needing to sleep on a literal piece of garbage to survive.
It helped cut through the fog.
Enough that she could begin writing.
-
A few floors down, Madison and Saph walked out of their hotel room and navigated towards the con space. Saph was bursting with enthusiasm for the weekend’s offerings. He had a number of partners that he did not get to see any other time of the year and wanted to make each moment count.
“First step is to get my badge,” Saph said, half to inform Madison and half to remind himself, “then find Cashmir. We can get some lunch, maybe watch some of the afternoon classes together and then use the room for the evening.”
“Thank you, love. Audrey and I can use the room until then. She said she’s spending the morning with Ember and will meet up after getting her badge.”
“That’s what I had assumed, yeah, I’ll need the car to get a quick lunch while you’re occupied but if you need it after then just message me and let me know so I don’t make plans off site.”
“I’ve not made dinner plans yet so I’ll let you know. It’s not unusual for a big group dinner before the event proper kicks off. Bell had mentioned that The House may be going out after Dove’s class.”
Madison and Saph always began the morning like this at the con, planning the day and recognizing that plans often change or fall through. It was easy to be flexible and ensure potential situations were handled before they had a chance to happen. It was a big reason why they always slept together every night. Brief at the start of the day, debrief at the end of the night.
It worked well for them.
As they entered con-space, the event lobby was bustling with activity. There was no need for people to get their badge at the moment registration opened and yet a hotel full of people who had waited a year for the event did not enjoy waiting even a minute longer.
Madison scanned the hall for Belladonna. She was surprised that she did not see her, though was happy with the idea she was sleeping. She did look so adorable when she left her to rest the previous night.
There were familiar faces abound, though. As Madison and Saph waited for their turn at check-in they were able to wave to some familiar faces. Even the person bravely stationed alone at the registration desk, Merry Melody, was someone Madison knew well enough.
“Just you this morning?” Madison asked, perplexed as to why one of the hardest tasks for the weekend was on a fairly new member of the convention committee.
“Stripes’ flight got delayed…” Merry bemoaned, “the perils of having a winter con. Sometimes snow gunks up plans.”
“Sympathy,” Madison noted, collecting her KeladryMindle badge from Merry and casually looping around the table to get to the box of badges, “I recognize a lot of people in line. I can get their name tags put aside. Don’t worry, I won’t look up their information or anything, but it’ll save time to have the badges already picked out.”
Merry was about to protest but thought better of it, “Thank you, Kel.”
Saph shook his head at how helpful his wife was being. She was quite known for this behavior and he knew better than to try and dissuade her. “I’ll be over in the sitting corner. Come find me when you’re done.”
Madison brightly beamed, she enjoyed getting an opportunity to lift some burden from others.
She scanned the line and put faces to scene names and dug through the box to find the appropriate name. Every badge had a number and Merry could find that number on the tablet spreadsheet with ease.
At the back of the line was a gentle little thing wearing a green velvet dress that contrasted her red hair beautifully. Body language alone confirmed that it was Bella if the outfit choice did not tip her off first.
By the time Bella reached the front of the line her badge was already set aside. “Hey, cutie. You rest well?” Madison asked.
“Mhmm!” Bella chirped, stepping aside and setting to work on prettying up her badge, running a wavy green line over the letters BELLA, a straight blue line under BELL and a purple line sandwiched between spirals under DONNA. “Thank you so much for last night.”
“My absolute pleasure, cutie.”
As Madison busied herself with the registration desk, Bella noticed a familiar face stride over to them. It was Mind Trick, the master of ceremonies of the convention. Likely about to do the opening event when the clock struck noon, though Bella never attended those.
“And here I thought you weren’t supposed to be helping anymore…”
Madison peaked her head up from the registration stack and smiled at the man, “I’m always helpful, Mind Trick, you know that!”
Mind Trick was an older man with a graying beard and soft amber eyes buried behind spectacles. His gimmick was to always walk around the event in a bathrobe and bunny slippers giving him the vibe of Jeff Bridges ‘The Dude’ character, though he did not have the malaise of The Big Lebowski, instead he was sharp and keenly focused on ensuring all the spinning plates of the convention spun perfectly all weekend.
There was a saying, you must always call him Mind Trick, never MT. Because he is never empty.
For Madison, her reputation within the convention community is that she was too helpful. Ever since she was old enough to attend events she had been volunteering to save on her limited financial resources, granting her free tickets and hotel rooms. It also had the additional bonus of connecting her with the community.
Everyone knew Madison. Everyone was happy to see her.
She put in a lot of years of hard work, eventually joining the team who spent the whole year organizing the event, helping just about every department over the years to the point of which she could, as she was demonstrating, slide into any position and take over at the drop of a hat.
Though, as she could now afford to pay her way at events and had become burned out on staffing, she was now free to enjoy the convention. So long as she did not spend her weekend being excessively helpful.
“Bell, you need to watch this one. Make sure she enjoys the convention this time.”
And as everyone knew Madison, they now knew of her brightly burning relationship with Belladonna, Madison enjoyed using opportunities to gush about her.
“Will do, Boss!” Bella grinned.
“Oh, phooey, I’m just helping get Merry started, you know the first 2 hours of reg are the hardest.”
“Well here’s a familiar sight.” came a new voice joining the conversation, “Madison… shouldn’t you be over here spending time with our girlfriend?”
The newcomer was Dove and Bella beamed with pride to see her out and about at the event. She would often say, back at The House, that this was her element and these were her people. It was always good to see someone she loved so dearly at the place that they were most themselves.
“I was just telling Mind Trick, I’m helping out for a few minutes to get things moving, don’t worry none, I won’t be long.”
“Oh good!” Dove exclaimed, “I thought I’d slid back into 2018 for a second there.”
Mind Trick let out a distinctive chortle. A booming sound that echoed the halls of Mesmerized every year and made it feel like home to those familiar with this comfort. Mind Trick is laughing and all is right at the con.
The head of ceremonies opened his arms to offer Dove a hug and she took the invite instantly.
Belladonna had known Dove for as long as she had been in the hypnosis community and even back then when she first met Dove she and Mind Trick considered one another ‘old friends’.
“By the way…” Madison mused, finally sliding from the business end of the registration table and joining Dove and Mind Trick at the side, “I wanted to thank you for trusting me with Sunday night. I promise I’ll take good care of her.”
Bella was putting the finishing touches on her badge and peaked her head up curiously, “hmm? What are you planning?” she asked.
“Don’t worry...” Dove mused with a playful ring in her voice, “You can trust your Goddess and your Miss and let those thoughts go.”
Bella’s eyes flickered as her attention was shaken up and she lost track of what she was thinking of. She was so good at doing that. She’d been unconsciously practicing her whole life.
“What are you doing all the way over there anyway, sweetling?” Madison laughed, raising her hand and gesturing, “Get over here.”
Bella’s eyes glazed over as her new programming hit and she was summoned to her Miss’ side, once there she blinked heavily and began looking back and forth in confusion. Another booming chortle filled the area and Madison fondly pet her sweetling’s head.
“Oh that’s a new one…” Dove marveled, “Have you already been filling our Bella’s mind up with tricks and shenanigans for this weekend?”
“Maaaybe…” Madison playfully stated, “I’m sure you know just how good she is at absorbing programming.”
Dove looked to Bella with a grin, “The fun thing is, she’s so brainwashed that I don’t even need to program her obedience. She just obeys automatically, right pet?”
Bella recoiled in surprise and took a sudden interest in her shoes, her ears were burning pink, “Yes, Goddess.”
“Kneel.”
With an audible gasp Bella shot down to her knees drawing herself as close to the ground as she was able. She could feel the attention that this was garnering from the room and it made her blush with pride to show everyone how well she obeyed her Goddess.
“That’s right…” Dove cooed, “Knowing that I’m so proud of you, my sunshine, and that you are serving me by enjoying the convention and bringing all of that love and happiness back home with you. Every time you obey Miss Madison, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing and it feels good to know you’re doing exactly as you should be doing, pet.”
“Yes Goddess.” Bella squeaked.
“Then rise and serve, my good girl. And make sure Madison enjoys the convention too.”
“You’re as good as that as you ever were.” Mind Trick marveled.
“I should be. I had a good teacher.” Dove shot back.
“Oh nonsense, you knew more than enough about this before we met. I’ve probably learned just as much from you as you learned from me.”
“As much as I’m enjoying this,” Madison noted, “I think we shouldn’t take up too much of the registration space. Should we move over to the corner couches?”
The party assembled at the corner. Saph was already sitting there and a moderate circle had already made themselves cozy. A couple sat at the end performing an eye fixation induction and a few younger attendees sat on the floor to create a circle.
Bella hung close to Madison and tried to settle into the ambiance. Conversation was flowing and fierce, volleying from topic to topic and everyone’s excitement was guiding them. It was exactly the same location that she had been in the first time she had met Madison in real life. Though she was far more integrated into this group now, she still felt overwhelmed by it all and remained quiet, scanning the room and watching people descend the staircase into the con area.
This was her power saving mode and though Madison had not spent a large amount of time with Belladonna in group settings, she had come to recognize this was her baseline level of dissociation. When things were too overwhelming she disengaged and monitored her surroundings. Madison gently held her partner’s wrist and gave a gentle squeeze to tether her. She’d join in when she was ready.
More people joined. Bella recognized a group of trans friends who had made her feel welcome during her first event. A few performers of whom she admired and wished to learn from. At a point, Julia led Kayleigh by a leash to Dove and handed the leash over as they each sat at either side of her. Dove kissed them each on the forehead.
It warmed Bella’s heart to see Dove in her element like this. She was an extrovert in nature but was not offered many excuses to leave The House. Getting a chance to show off her skill and the devotion of her chosen was feeding her soul for the whole year.
Kayleigh and Julia were glowing to be so loved. As they each leaned on one of Dove’s legs their hands met and they had a blissful look of raw satisfaction on their faces. It was love, pure and simple. Radiating from all three of them in their small ways.
Normally Bella would have planned her weekend around being part of that dynamic, rooming with Julia and Kayleigh and attending classes alongside them until they needed privacy for a while. This was the first event Bella had her own room and the motive was entirely to get more time with Madison.
“Diiid you have fun last night?” Bella asked the newly arrived pair, breaking her silence.
“Uh-huh…” Kayleigh softly sighed, her tone betraying how out of it she already was.
“Dolly’s already been fractionated a few times.” Julia boldly stated, much to Dove’s approval, “She’s such a good girl.”
“That she is.” Dove affirmed.
“Just glad that you’re enjoying the extra space. Hope you don’t miss me being around. I know we see a lot of each other back home… but I don’t want y’all to think I’m ditching you for Madison.”
“Oh no!” Dove cried out in jest, “You want to spend time with your girlfriend who you never get to see!”
“We’d all be more upset if you didn’t spend as much time with her as you could get.” Julia added.
Bella shrank against Madison, holding on to her as if she would disappear if she let go. She had no intention of wasting a single second if she could help it.
“Just so long as you don’t feel neglected…” Bella pouted.
“We’re all more than capable of enjoying ourselves here,” Dove announced “isn’t that right, Kayleigh?”
“Uh-huh…”
While they were speaking Dove had reached her hand over and had started stroking Kayleigh’s hair, feeling the demure girl shrink into her touch. She kept this up long enough to establish a rhythm and then with a playful grin she broke the pattern and pressed a hand to her forehead.
“Oh…” Kayleigh swooned as she sunk into trance.
Bella blushed to watch this casual play happening.
“...I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing that. You just dropping her in a room full of people and no one even batting an eye…”
“Oh, that reminds me, sweetling!” Madison chimed, excited, “I wanted you to look at something for me, if you’re okay joining Kayleigh in being a good girl.”
An excited squeak escaped Bella’s lips.
Madison reached over and plucked an item from her bag, a surprisingly heavy orb the size of a baseball. She planted it in Bella’s hand and let her sweetling examine the object for a moment. The acrylic orb had a number of reflective shards within, each refracting light like a prism and making the color within shift and shimmer, even reflecting a gentle glow onto Bella’s face so passers by could watch her illuminated face shift in a spectrum of shades while she stared.
“There’s something special in the middle of that orb, sweetling. Can you find it for me?”
The sound from Bella this time was a barely audible murmur. The implication alone was allowing her to sink into a gentle trance.
“That’s right, sweetling…” Madison cooed, brushing her fingertips down the side of Bella’s head, her voice sliding into the gentle hypnotic tone that Bella had become so conditioned to respond to.
“As you rotate the orb and let the light fade in and out of your view, you can listen to my voice and let everything else fade away, you can do that for me, can’t you sweetling?”
“‘es miss.”
Bella’s shoulders sagged. Her eyelids fluttered. Madison’s gentle tracing fingertips were amplifying the effect. She was sinking. Softly and surely. Deep into hypnosis.
“That’s a good girl. Just looking for that special secret in the center, letting your eyes focus on the orb as your ears focus on me and your mind focuses on just how deep you can go, how deep you will go, and you will go deep for me, you must go deep for me, so easy to go deep for me.”
As Madison spoke, Bella’s body sank into her and her neck drooped, eyes barely open as she just blankly looked at the orb that she lazily rotated in her hand.
The registration hall bustled on with activity and all of it seemed to vanish into nothingness for Bella as the colorful orb of lights was her entire world and she could do nothing but look and listen.
Madison continued whispering gentle words and drawing her down and she complied and sank further until it seemed wiser to remove the heavy orb from her weakening grasp. Better that than let it crash to the ground and risk rousing her from this blissful trance.
Dove had been watching the scene play out and had a look of raw compersion on her face. “Oh, don’t mind me!” she cried out, “Just over here squeeing my heart out at how cute you two are!”
Madison modestly smiled back, “Well you know how good of a girl she can be, cute is just her natural state. It’s easy to be cute with her when she it’s what she is.”
“And that induction! That was lovely to watch. It reminds me of a story.”
“Not a coincidence.” Madison said with a playful wink, “I’ve read it too.”
“She brightens up so much when you’re around, you know?” Dove said after a brief pause, “You should have seen her leg bouncing on the way to the hotel. She couldn’t sit still for a moment.”
The mental image came in easy enough. Madison could almost see it. The clasped hands, the swaying back and forth, the broad grin, the bouncing up and down. Bella beaming with all of her bright sunshine giddiness.
“Oh sweetling…”
Bella rested in her trance and allowed the assembled group to continue on their socializing. After some time Saph excused himself from the group and met up with someone in the registration line before running off into the depths of the hotel with them. Dove brought Julia into trance and began speaking in a manner that caused her to be the focus of the corner crew’s attention. Her words echoing years of fun stories from previous events.
Madison listened. Dove was one of the elders of the community, there since the very first events and she considered Dove to be one of her role models. A lady in the community who commanded respect and dignity in the years where all of the rules and traditions were laid out by older white men, along with the ignorance and bias that those things brought with them.
She didn’t know what lucky twist of fate had allowed her to be sat in this gathering as part of their extended poly family. But it made her happy.
As Madison pondered on this, a composed woman with lengthy blonde hair splashed over her shoulder stalked over to her side and slowly curled her fingers around Madison’s left shoulder with deliberate intent, one finger at a time.
“There’s a sight I’d expected to see…”
“Oh, good morning, my lady. Are you ready for me?”
The newcomer, Audrey, kept her hand planted on Madison’s shoulder. Audrey had been dating Madison for half a decade. Madison only got the chance to see her two times a year and only during brief windows. Audrey was blessed to have more people than she had time to spend with them. It made every interaction valuable by definition.
“I am. This one here needs a break from being wrapped around my finger. Finish up with your ‘sweetling’, you’ll have time to play with her later.” Audrey’s voice had a detached tint, soft yet firm and casually commanding. Madison shivered in delight.
Even in short windows, Audrey always made a firm impression on any room she graced. Her attire was formal and eye-catching. Her manner of speaking was direct and clear. As a teacher, she spoke with wisdom and experience. As a friend, she spoke with compassion and clarity. As a lover, she spoke with pride and confidence. The commonality was that every aspect of her radiated authority and it was easy to listen to her.
Standing next to Audrey was a shorter individual with curly hair and a mischievous grin. They watched the scene unfold with their hands planted on their lips in enthusiasm.
“Holy shit, you two are so damned adorable!” they spoke quietly not wishing to disturb Bella while she was in trance, masking their volume in sharp hushed words pressed against their palms. This was their first time seeing the pair as a couple offline and it was just as precious their online interactions made them seem.
Madison started brushing Bella’s bicep softly and whispered in her ear, rousing her from her gentle trance. The redhead blinked to awareness and looked at the scene, recognizing Madison’s partner, Audrey and her own friend, Ember.
“...huh…?”
“Up, up, up, sweetling.” Madison sighed, “I’ve enjoyed this but as Audrey says, we’ll have plenty of time later. Are you okay? Do you need a minute before I go? Audrey will understand if I give you a little time to wake up.”
“Nu-uh…!” Bella swooned, her voice propelled by fractionated bliss “Is good, Goddess is here and peoples is here and Ember! Hiiii Ember!”
While Ember gleefully waved back, terribly amused by Bella’s fractionated babble, Madison remained caring and focused.
“As long as you’re okay…” she looked over to Dove who was still caring for Kayleigh and Julia, “Dove, do you mind keeping an eye on Bella while she wakes up?”
“Go!” Dove exclaimed, a touch less forceful than her commanding tone but with no less intention, “You have fun. These two need waking up as well, so it’s no trouble.”
Bella pulled herself up and shook her head to draw herself to awareness, Madison rose and found her hand tenderly plucked by Audrey as Ember slid into Madison’s vacated spot, vibrating with energy.
A sound emitted from Audrey’s lips, a ‘hmm’ that flirted with being a laugh or a bemused sound of intrigue. “You make for such a caring domme, sweet one… though it’s time for you to be a thrall.” she sealed her statement with a kiss on the back of Madison’s exposed hand and Madison exuded a wanton whimper of submission.
Being in Audrey’s presence was enough to knock the toppy energy directly out of Madison’s spirit. Though not her protectiveness. That always remained. Madison blossomed under the gentle guidance of her lady, curtsying and dipping her head low, “As you say, my lady.”
She then turned to her charge, stroking her bicep fondly and watching her with careful interest. She wanted to be certain Bella was safe and cared for before leaving her on her own, “Bella, you’ll be a good girl while I’m gone, won’t you?”
Bella beamed at her miss and chirped an energetic “Yes, Miss!” that carried through the whole registration hall.
Somewhere in the room Mind Trick’s booming laugh echoed in response.
“That’s my sweetling. Thank you. Ember, are you sticking around, or…?”
Ember stretched out casually on their claimed territory on the corner sofa, “Honestly, I’m still a little fuzzy myself. I can help watch your sweetling a bit. Enjoy yourself!”
Madison dipped her head gratefully, “Thank you, Ember.” she then turned back to Audrey, “Shall we?”
Madison and Audrey disappeared into the crowd and Bella took a breath to center her fuzzy brain and climb up from the unexpected, yet delightful, trance.
“Sooo… How are yooou?” Bella slurred, “Did you have fun with Audrey?”
Ember’s eyes bulged and they raised their fists in jubilation, “Holy. Fucking. SHIT, Bell! Last night she ground my face into the floor, heeled boots and everything.”
“Holy shit…?” Bella never knew what to say when someone’s kink threshold exceeded her own, she wanted to display affirming enthusiasm without implying familiarity.
Ember and Belladonna had been friends for a few years and their relationships with Audrey and Madison respectively had begun about the same time. The fact that their partners were dating one another gave the pair plenty of common ground to chat and grow closer.
“She’s so god damned hot when she turns it on. She could grind out a cigarette on my face and I’d thank her, I swear.”
They had met at one of the previous conventions and had bonded over their mental health issues. Both having experienced sharp stigma within the mental care industry from being diagnosed as BPD.
“Oh, is it Bell, by the way? Don’t want to assume.”
Ember was the first person outside of her poly family that Bell told about their DID diagnosis.
“Bella, actually… though I don’t mind if you call me Bell. I don’t want everyone to be afraid to talk to me… or us? I don’t know. Words are hard. But… you shouldn’t worry too much.”
Ember shrugged and gave Bella a firm and reassuring pat on the back, “It matters because I say it matters. Sorry, not sorry. You don’t get a say in what I find important.”
“I could pull out a pocket watch and change that!”
“Fuck you!” Ember shouted with a shove, their voice flooded with playful joy, “You know what I mean! Plus from what I heard you’re not the one who does the watch waving.”
Bella giggled out in delight and gave a gentle shove back, “Then I’ll sic Donna on you. She’ll melt your mind good.”
“BRING IT. You can’t threaten me with a good time!”
“Seriously though… you’ll get to see Donna later this weekend. She’d probably be here now if I wasn’t so fractionated.”
“We’ll see if I can tell the difference.”
“Oh, you will. I’m sure of it.”
The pair did not have a lot of time to catch up, though. Before too long Dove rose to her feet, signalling that it was time for her class to begin. Kayleigh and Julia were each roused from their trances and joined their goddess to class.
Ember excused themselves and Bella joined her family for the class.
The room was half full and responsive. Bella had attended the class before, as well as helped Dove at home rehearse the content. Kayleigh acted as handmaiden for the class and demonstrated just how well and easily she sunk into trance. Practical topics of communication and scheduling were raised as well as hypnokink specific interests like switch dynamics within a polycule, ensuring suggestions and triggers do not have splash damage when multiple hypnotees are in the same polycule.
Bella found herself zoning out for much of the class and remembering the orb that she had been handling earlier in the day.
Hours rolled off of the clock and soon enough it was early evening.
As the class poured into the hall, Bella strolled out with her poly family. Dove was going to switch outfits and decompress after such an exhausting few hours of teaching and then meet up with everyone in the family in an hour for a con-kickoff meal at a local restaurant.
In the hallway, Madison stood in wait. Her neck bore a bright red blotch that proudly announced to the world how much fun she had with Audrey.
“Hey, sweetling! How did it go?”
Bella blinked. Madison always knew. She did not know how Madison knew but she always knew, “Yup! Still me! Class was good. How was your date? You look like you got bit!”
Madison let out a low chuckle and ruffled her love’s hair, walking alongside her back to the registration area, “I’m quite satisfied with my date. Audrey and I had a nice lunch, caught up and there was some play.”
“Sounds nice.”
“I’d like to say so. Maybe you’ll be receiving a bite of your own on Sunday. If you’d like, cutie.”
“Oh, yes Miss! Yes, please. I’d like that very much!”
“Noted…” Madison’s voice had an air of mischief in it, “We’ll have to talk about things before the vampire ball, then.”
“Yes, Miss!”
“What are your plans for the rest of the night, cutie?”
“The House are doing a dinner thing. I was told to invite you specifically, if you’re not doing anything else?”
“My evening is free and clear.”
The registration room was still active as they walked through. The corner sofa was, as usual, being used for some casual public displays of hypnosis. A couple guys were kneeling in front of one another and locking eyes in what Bella assumed was a hypnotic staring contest. Someone was leaning against the wall wearing a VR headset and allowing their mouth to hang drooling and open.
Prior to attending events like this she never would have imagined that these tropes, things she had only seen in online fantasies, were just common occurrences when a group of hypnokinsters gathered.
She loved her life.
“Bella!”
The voice carried across the room turning a number of heads. Bella’s ears perked and she, too, twisted her head to the source. It was a voice she knew well. It belonged to one of her first transgender friends from the days when she was still in the closet. She was a mountain of a woman in a denim jacket and with novelty sunglasses. Bella fondly remembered seeing her for the first time at 2020 event and lucidly thinking to herself that she wanted to be as cool and confident as her after her transition.
“Mimi!” she called back, rushing to cross the room to meet with the new face, arms open ready to give her a big hug.
Madison was not familiar with this human and took great joy to see Bella this delighted for an unknown face. She’d be sure to ask for an introduction afterwards.
As the pair embraced, the new lady, Mimi, launched Bella off of the ground up high enough that the tall woman was looking up at Bella’s face as she spun her around on the spot, “How the fuck are you, bitch?! It’s been an age! Haven’t seen your ass on Gilded in months!”
The questions were piling up for Madison but her curiosity had to wait. She knew her partner’s body language quite well by this point in their relationship and though it was Bella who initiated the hug it was not Bella who exited it.
Mimi was oblivious to the change and continued talking but Belladonna’s body language was off. She stumbled back from the hug and her eyes were wide and gaze averted. She was clenching her fist so tightly that it was making her skin go pale and her breath was coming in and out in uneven stops and starts.
Madison could see that she needed rescue.
“Sorry.” Belladonna mumbled, her voice was strained. Her hand was twitching at her side. She looked tense enough that she could be snapped in two.
Mimi was oblivious to this change in state and was prepared to continue casually chatting before Madison swooped in, “Sorry, we’re on a bit of a time crunch and I have to steal this one real quick.” she said, positioning herself between the two, “I’ll make sure she says hi later on.”
She did not wait for a reply and ushered Belladonna out to the halls, summoning an elevator to get her love back to room 321.
The moment they were safely out of conspace Belladonna let out a croak, like the final bit of strength she had was leaving her body. Her eyes welled up and her breath came out in quick shuddering gasps. She doubled over and let out a quiet shriek.
Madison knew enough not to encroach on her personal space while she was going through something like this. Questions would have to wait. Right now she just needed her to be safe, out of public view and able to process.
The elevator arrived and Belladonna stumbled in, whining out quiet sobs of “sorry, sorry, sorry”
Madison’s heart just hurt for her. “It’s okay, love, I’m here and I’m not leaving unless you want me to. We’ll get you to your room. You don’t need to hold back…”
The hallway was mercifully empty and the pair entered 321. Once through the threshold Belladonna slid to the ground and began sobbing frantically. It had taken all of her strength to hold it together this long but now she was well and truly safe she couldn’t stop the emotions from overwhelming her.
Her stomach felt like a chainsaw was being pressed against it. Her chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside. The corners of her eyes stung. Her throat clamped so tightly that it felt like she couldn’t breathe.
Madison busied herself getting some water and giving her love some space to experience the worst of this. It was not the first time she had seen her in a vulnerable state such as this. She wished she could do more than be a safe person to weather the storm with.
The tide did not take too long to subside.
“Fuck…” she whined, punching the floor in frustration, “God… fucking… damn it…” a fresh well of tears burst but these were of a less destructive flood.
“I’m here, love.” Madison said carefully, sitting on the edge of the closest bed, “If you’d like to have a hot bath like the wedding I can go back and meet with you later, but if you’ll have me, I’d like to stay and be with you.”
Belladonna nodded, sniffling. “Stay.”
Madison pulled her phone out, “Thank you. Take a second and I’ll let everyone know we’re okay and will come back soon. We’re in no hurry. Just focus on the here and now, okay?”
“Okay….” The voice that emitted was closest to Bell but Madison could not rule out the idea that it was Sis handling a crisis as she had a few months prior. The vulnerability did not sound like Sis, though.
It wasn’t long before Belladonna had taken a drink of water and joined Madison on the bed.
“It’s so fucking stupid though…” she bemoaned,flopping back onto the mattress with a thud, “Like all the fucking shit we been through in our years and here I am getting all bent out of shape over something fucking dumb like being tossed up in the air like a sack of potatoes.”
“You and I both know the brain doesn’t work that way. Y’all were patient with me during the holidays, let me show you that same grace? And give yourself some, while you’re at it.”
Belladonna let out an aggravated sigh, “I know, I know… just, it’s so small.”
“May I ask what it was? So I know how best to navigate things in the future. As always, ‘no’ is a perfectly acceptable answer.”
“I don’t like being picked up.” the reply was so flat and dry. It clearly was not the full story and Madison felt it best to give it space to flesh out.
“So… I told you I went to a military school, yeah?”
“It’s come up…” Madison said, deciding it best not to note that it was a topic that Belladonna was often guarded about.
“Yeah, well, growing up weren’t exactly the nicest time…like besides all the shit going on at home and me dad and all… like, I didn’t really hit my growth spurt at the same time as everyone else, yeah?”
Madison watched as her partner spoke, their eyes were focused with furrowed brows burning up at the ceiling. The intensity was akin to what she’d seen with Sis but this body language was not as rigid as she’d noted Sis to be. Moreover, there was no effort to adjust the developmental voice. It wasn’t just the pitch sliding into unmodulated depth, it was the accent that had softened over years in America returning to the blunt and rough roots of a lower class London upbringing.
She couldn’t ask for confirmation yet, but she had a good guess as to who was talking with her.
“So, the school had no fucking clue what to do with us. Here’s this wimpy little ginger-nut biscuit who can’t stand up for itself in the fucking shark infested waters of a military school for teens. Fucking didn’t have a chance, did I?”
Madison said nothing, but made her presence a quiet comfortable known.
“Tossers used to pin me up against the ceiling in the changing rooms for fun. Do bloody contests on who could do it the longest.”
“That’s… That’s awful.” Madison gasped, barely able to contain her anger that anyone would treat her beloved that way.
“Eh, it’s whatever, y’know? I dunno if we had this whole DID shit going on with us back then. God knows we were terrified in the changing room. The idea of being naked around other blokes scared the shit out of us and– god this is so fucking stupid in hindsight– we, me, Bella, I? Fuck if I know how it all fucking works–”
“It develops early in childhood, Ben.” Madison said tenderly. Ben sat up and for a moment his soft blue eyes met Madison’s and they shook with the vulnerability of being seen. With a thud he crashed back to the mattress and glared at the ceiling.
“Any which way, we used to hide in the corner and face the wall. Like if we couldn’t see anyone then it’d be okay—”
Even saying that there was a twinge of emotion within the storm of their shared brain. In the library within their mind Bell said the word clear as day.
[Liar.]
The fact was no version of Belladonna, especially at that age, could stomach looking at a man’s body. They couldn’t even look at their own.
He was not about to admit that to Madison. There were still some walls he kept up.
“And so like the dumbshit kids we were, we had our backs to those fucking arseholes and they’d just pluck us up like we were nothing. Thrust us up into the air. One second we’re drying off and fumbling to get changed as fast as possible and the next our gravity is all fucked up and our stomach was left on the ground and we’re kicking and screaming and biting at their wrists and everyone’s staring and laughing…”
In an instant the emotions gripped, catapulting Belladonna’s system through the decades and reducing them to that 15 year old flooded with anger, shame and terror and those emotions in turn pulled them back further to things beyond the veil of their youth. To memories that did not wish to be unearthed.
The chain reaction was like vertigo. A single emotion attacking became a domino that struck another domino until everything exploded into an overwhelming cascade of fears that were soldered into the root of their nervous system. Beyond the veil of memory. Deeper beneath the soil and not wanting to be unrooted. It was a nerve that did not want to be touched.
Part of Belladonna reached. Curiosity and desire wanted to push through. Part of Belladonna wanted to push away. Terror sharp as a whip cracked against the wall of emotion and memory, refusing to yield the secrets.
Like powered magnets pressing against one another and delivering an electric crackle of ache and confusion directly into the system’s shared forehead.
The lid slammed shut.
The whole process happened faster than a blink and felt like Ben’s soul was punched at the core.
“God fucking damn it.” Ben smashed his fist on the mattress and broke down into sobs. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
“...Ben, would you like a hug?” Madison offered, kindly.
His eyes couldn’t meet Madison’s but he gave a firm nod, Madison scooted over to him and gently put her arms around him. She wanted to be gentle. She couldn’t give him even the slightest jolt to his balance for fear of striking the raw emotional wound.
He was trembling in her embrace.
“We learned how to handle it.” he muttered, slowly. His voice was hollow. Disaffected. All of the raw charisma that energized his tone previously had faded away, “Same as before, really. Just stop reacting. That’s all they want. A reaction. You just tune it out, shut everything off and stop processing shit.”
More moments echoed inside but they were further away now. Ben’s eyes unfocused and he could hold it all back. Prevent it from overwhelming him.
This would cost them later. They knew that. But it was the only way to handle it right now.
He let out a pained sigh and leant his head against Madison’s shoulder, “Y’know what the messed up thing is? Fucking ringleader of the whole shit tracked us down ten or so years later online and apologized. Like he recognized how fucked up that whole shit was and actually owned up to it all.”
“I’m glad he learned better, at least.”
“Is it alright that I kind of hate him a little more for that, though? Like, at least with my family I get to hate them all day every day for the shit they put us through but like, Mac? Fucker owned up, fucker apologized. The arsewipe who tormented us just straight up don’t exist anymore? He pays a debt of regret and knows he’s gotta live with that.”
“You don’t have to forgive him, you know?”
“Yeah, well. It was years and years ago, y’know.”
“You’re obviously still carrying a lot from it, though.”
Ben chewed on that sentiment for a moment before bursting out into a roaring laugh, “The fuck are we wasting precious con time on this shit for, anyway, ain’t that what Clare’s for?”
The laugh felt empty. Forced. Madison could tell he was trying to push the topic away.
“Are you going to talk with her yourself?”
Ben gave a bitter and empty chuckle before shoving Madison playfully against the bicep, “That’s a next week problem. This is today.”
Madison had no reason to protest, though she did want to mention that bottling emotions was not healthy. She’d be a hypocrite to do so but she felt okay admitting that. Belladonna wasn’t the only one working on baggage in therapy, after all.
“Getting time to talk with you is never a waste, Ben. Especially because I think this is the first time you’ve felt comfortable enough to stick around.”
Ben snorted from his nostrils and let out a smirk, “Oh, aye? Had me pegged in some other conversations, have you?”
“Never enough to be sure, but I hear it in your voice every now and again. I trusted you’d make yourself known when you were ready.”
“Fuck… you really know us, huh?” the attempt at faking energy vanished and his voice became hollow again, though now coupled with a hint of awe. Where it had previously been like a balloon that had let all the air escape, now it was the eye of the storm, a moment of clarity and calm amidst the emotions which surely raged behind the walls of dissociation.
His hand found Madison’s and he laced his fingers in hers, in truth he was still rattled from the emotional flashback, but he felt as though he could ground himself if he just lingered in this safety a little longer. Tethered, healing and able to quiet the tempest in their heart.
“It’s my own brain stuff. I notice small things. Kelly calls it ‘hypervigilance’ but there’s a sensory processing disorder in there too, so… y’know?”
“Guess this is the point where I’d say some shit like ‘I’m glad our baggage fits together so neatly’ or something, yeah?”
“Bell would say that.” Madison stated diplomatically, “But you’re not Bell, are you?”
Ben shot Madison a look. He looked like he was about to say something in response but thought better of it and instead reached over to pick up his bottle of water and take a long draw from it.
“Are you going to be okay going out with The House for dinner?”
Ben kicked his legs and clicked his tongue in his mouth, “I don’t fucking know… I kinda want to turtle for a bit and save energy for the event proper, y’know? Pushing through it’ll just amp up the cost on our emotions and body.”
“Well you haven’t eaten yet, have you?” Madison noted, deciding to not pull on that thread if Ben didn’t want it pulled on, “And who knows when we’ll get a chance to spend time like this again. Let me buy you dinner?”
Ben weighed it a moment and shrugged, “Eh, sure. Why not?”
He hopped off of the bed and to his foot before noticing the floof of fabric on his exposed legs.
“Oh… right…” he grumbled, smoothing his hands down the green skirt he was wearing, “Mind if I get you to do a run and bring it back here? Give us some time to catch up on journaling and settle a tick?”
“I can wait for you to get changed, if you’d prefer.” Madison offered.
Ben shrugged and crashed back onto the bed, “Like I ain’t kicking you out or none, but a couple seconds to just kind of do the hard reset thing’d help us out a ton. We’ll jot down stuff before it slips our head and be golden by the time you get back.”
“If you’re sure…” Madison said, “What would you like? I feel like you don’t get front very often so nothing’s off the table… and, Ben? Please don’t try to be noble. Let me take care of you.”
Ben shook his head and made a production of rolling his eyes, “Fine, fine. Dunno if there’s a place nearby but I could murder a nice curry about now. You mind snagging one out in the wild? We ain’t had a decent chicken korma in yonks.”
“I’ll see what I can do… and would you like me to reach out to Dove or would you prefer to?”
“I’ll let ‘em know I’m not up to it. Sad to say, they’re used to our brain shit happening out of nowhere by now.”
“Sympathy, love… message if you need anything, okay? I’ll be back soon.”
Madison located a local store and was able to get back with the order within the hour. The hotel was still abuzz with activity. She bumped into Kayleigh on the way and apologized on Belladonna’s behalf, wishing them a pleasant meal.
When she finally knocked on room 321 and was met by the scowling expression and jutted jaw that indicated Ben was still fronting. She had been worried he’d have switched out while she was away.
He’d changed into loose fitting lounging clothes, the green dress laying on the bed ready to be worn again after the meal.
Madison set up the spread of food on a small little writing desk that was not large enough for the task but had to do the job due to the limited space of hotel rooms and Bella’s firm ‘No eating in bed!!’ rule. Madison knew when her sweetling was stern about a thing it was important.
Madison had selected the buttered chicken. It was not something she would have picked, left to her own devices, but upon tasting it she had to admit that she saw the appeal. She made a mental note to try and explore Indian region meals when she returned to her regular routine. Expanding her horizons was always a pleasant thing and she was glad for Ben offering her a chance to do so.
As the pair began to eat, Madison took stock of Ben’s motions. His body language and how it differed from the 3 parts of her partner’s system that she was intimately familiar with.
“I’d not really thought about it as anything worth commenting on until now but the others are really shy about eating.”
Ben stopped mid scoop and blinked at Madison. “Eh?”
“You’re eating really fast. Not a criticism or something you need to change, just observing.” Madison didn’t want to say it out loud but he was eating like someone who was scared the food may get taken away.
“Huh…” Ben mused, a little confused, “Na, you ain’t wrong. Past few decades we’ve kind of had a little disordered eating going on. Fact is we never want to be seen eating. I mean, I don’t give a shit, but looking back? Yeah, no. That’s totally a thing. Never really thought about it.”
“I’m surprised at how aware you are of the whole situation, to be honest? Given that I so rarely see signs of you fronting.”
Ben scowled down at his dinner and thought about it before speaking, “Look, I ain’t gonna pretend I have the answers, ‘cuz I don’t. Fact is when you called me Ben? It was the moment I knew I weren’t Bell. Like fuck the voice shit for a second, emotionally I should have been disgusted, yeah? Like I logically know that we hate our deadname but you said it and I felt…” he searched for the word, “familiar, you know?”
“Like hypnotic associations. How someone whose trigger is sleep can hear that word all day in so many contexts and yet in the right tone and the right situation it’s an invitation?”
“Sorta. Like in trance you do shit you don’t even know you’re doing or the old highway hypnosis bit where you make a left turn out of routine even though you ain’t lived in that direction for years? Part of your head running those old scripts, right? Associations that didn’t quite get broken.”
“I’m with you so far.” Madison was letting Ben drive this conversation and wanted him to remain comfortable.
“So like… here’s the messed up thing, right? I always thought I was Bell, y’know? Like even when we were in the closet. She was the dream. Our old Belladonna Cooper character online? The one who got to be angry and upset and say the shit I never could back home? I wanted to be her so bad. So when we finally transitioned, I started trying hard to just act that way. To stop with the shit we did back when we were young to make dad happy, to fit in with the lads down the pub or the stuff we did to be a bloke at the office. Fact is it was all pretend anyway. We were never that.”
He poked at his chicken korma a little distantly, “And then after some time the act sort of fell on two sides of this line. Days where ‘the act’ was trying to be a proper lady, where I had to work hard to pretend and it felt like an effort, yeah? Then there were days where… I dunno, we slip into the old voice? We get excited about the wrong thing? Like we’d trained ourselves for years to react a certain way to shit like a goal in footie or seeing someone with a tight dress brush on by. I dunno, Bell’d call ‘em social scripts. Things I trained meself to do because it’s what I was supposed to do to fit in and be a guy properly. When we stopped pretending there were these times when we’d fall back on old habits and it’s like there’s this disgust in us? Like we’re being ourselves wrong, yeah?”
Madison didn’t fully understand but she could put some of it together by familiarity to the others and could make educated leaps of faith, “Do you think that may have been you and Bell began fronting at different times?”
“Eh, probably. I guess I had to work hard to pretend to be her but she didn’t have to pretend because she always was…” he ripped some naan bread and caught some of his remaining rice with it and took the time to chew to deliberate his next thought, “...and I sort of thought I’d just… I dunno. Fade away? Stop existing? I didn’t even know about the whole DID thing but this like jumble of emotions and traits and behaviors? I thought it didn’t suit our new life and it’d just… stop being after a bit.”
“But you’re still here.” Madison said.
“Guess I am. Don’t like sticking my neck out. But… guess I can around you, eh? Fact is we were so fucking rattled by getting span up by Mount Mimi out there that those usual pangs of emotion that stop us boymoding in public just didn’t kick in and… I mean, they still ain’t even now. Reckon this body of ours thinks you’re safe enough not to put on airs for.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”
“Eh, you earned it by now, I’d reckon. Ain’t able to talk to anyone else this open and honest, can say that for sure.”
Madison reached her hand across the small table, maintaining eye contact and noting that Ben was, unlike Bell or Bella, able to maintain it without a hint of shyness or withdrawal pulling it away. "I mean it, Ben. I never want you to feel like you have to spend time or share space with me, but I also think you deserve to feel comfortable being present. I'm delighted we got a chance to..."
Ben frowned and nodded, “Ta, darling. Legit. Thank you.”
The pair finished their food in relative comfort. Time had given Ben a little more comfort in the body and being in lounging clothes helped him appear more natural.
“Really hope this don’t fuck with the weekend.” Ben sighed, running his hand through the thick and lengthy mat of wavy hair that hung heavy on his head, “None of us planned on me being about.”
“And how often do plans work out at a con like this?” Madison laughed “I’m willing to give you time and I’m willing to give you space. Whatever you need, okay?”
Ben smirked and shook his head, “I dunno. I sort of want to grab that hot as fuck bath you mentioned before. See where our head is at after that.”
“Okay then…” Madison didn’t want to let disappointment hit her tone, if she had a choice then she’d make use of every available second that she had to be with her partner, but she wanted Ben to have time to recharge and recover, “I’ll be in conspace, okay.”
Madison slipped out of the room and left Ben on his own. He exhaled and let his shoulders sag. His heart felt heavy.
He went through the motions of setting up the bath to run and as he did plucked up the fabric of the dress Bella had been wearing earlier in the day. He held it up against the full length mirror across from the bed they were using for sleep.
He just stared. The way that his body looked in his reflection. The shimmer and shine of his hair that weighed heavy on his broad shoulders. The sunken creases of discolored skin under their eyes. The eyes themselves, the only thing that remained unchanged. The curve that estrogen had forged in this strange body that did not feel like the one he should inhabit.
He wondered if there had always been this many freckles. If his cheeks were always so round. If the ridge of his brow was always so defined. His lips always so plump. Eyelashes so long. Wrinkles so pronounced.
He couldn’t remember what the reflection used to look like. What changes were age and what changes were transition.
His mind trailed back to a hospital room. A doctor talking to him about his family. Staring at a wall length mirror. The kind one sees in an interrogation room during a police procedural show.
His head felt swimmy, akin to how it would feel on a tired and groggy morning before first coffee.
-
Madison returned to conspace. The lobby on the first day of registration was an endlessly shifting tempest of people coming in and out, hooking up and running off to other plans. Some had gone off to grab their own dinner, some had returned to hotel rooms to run private scenes, others still had gone to prepare the vendors and dungeon spaces that would be used later in the weekend. There were never evening events on Thursday and so the conspace was active with people who had not made firm plans.
Saph was absent which, Madison assumed, meant he was using the hotel room.
The members of The House were, however, still sitting in the corner. Dove was idley brushing Kayleigh’s hair as she lay against her in deep trance.
“Bell’s not with you?” she asked, a touch of sincere concern in her voice.
Madison was uncertain how to handle pronouns and privacy under uncertain circumstances and decided to play it safe.
“She wanted to have a quick bath. She’ll be out soon, I’m sure.”
Dove had grown to recognize Bell’s habits quite well over the years they had been together. A hot bath and hiding away indicated a meltdown. It wasn’t unexpected. Travel tended to stress her out.
“Is she doing alright? She sounded like she was having a rough day when she sent her message.”
Where Madison wasn’t certain how to approach the topic of Ben’s appearance, she knew that Dove could be trusted to know Bell’s history and be told what was actually happening with their mutual partner. She looked around to ensure that Mimi wasn’t in the area before continuing on.
“I think so. Something triggered a childhood memory. She just needed time to ground and reset. I made sure she got something to eat and wrote things in her journal.”
“Madison? I don’t think I’ve said it before, but thank you. For all you do for her.”
“Bwa-wha?!” Madison stumbled on her words, she’d not expected such things coming from a woman that she considered to be a role model, “What did I do?”
“She’s improved so much from being with you. We all see how hard she works on herself and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her happier than the past 6 months she’s been with you. You should see her on a Friday night after her calls with you. She glows so bright, it makes my heart just about burst.”
Madison felt a fierce blush extend across her skin. She didn’t know what to say.
“Can I thank you, too?” she finally settled on.
Dove was not bashful but surprise did linger in her expression. “You may, but I would like to know what for?”
“It’s just…” she began, kicking her legs and allowing her mind to trail back, “We’ve been at this hotel for a few years now and having events in this city for a few more still. I was 19 when I went to my first event. I don’t know if you remember me?”
“Oh, I remember you. You didn’t have an escort… Mind Trick and I were worried about you. We thought some people would treat you like fresh meat in a shark pool.”
Madison shuddered at the mental image, “I mean, that’s it, isn’t it? That right there. You have always been there and looking out for people like me. Setting a good example. When I first came to the events it was mostly older guys and their younger subs… and like you said, being on my own, I did feel a little bit of that. No one took me seriously at first because I was a young woman and people just assumed they knew better. I thought about getting a certification just to prove I knew but none of the men seemed to need to prove they deserved to be there. It wasn’t very welcoming.”
“I can’t imagine it was…” Dove responded, “It’s why we noticed you and were worried.”
“At the time, things were so skewed. Everything was male dom, femme sub. You were a deviation from that. You were a femme domme and taught in spaces. I remember a lot of people were raising their hands and talking over you during your classes, too. Like they all knew better because you were a woman.”
Dove closed her eyes and breathed in a huff of air, grimacing, “I’m so glad we don’t have that kind of a community anymore.”
“It took a lot of work and a lot of pain to get there…” Madison lamented, “And you were part of that. I’ve wanted to make this space welcoming for so long and… I really do think it’s getting better.”
Dove laughed, “I remember it being weird to see one trans person and now you see whole packs of cat girls wandering the halls. It’s beautiful.”
“It is… and I just wanted to thank you for being there at the start. I don’t know if I’d still be if you weren’t. I don’t know if I’d have met Saph, Audrey or Belladonna if I didn’t feel safe at these events.”
Dove smiled graciously, “Oh, I accept. Just be ready to accept it when other people say the same thing to you down the line.”
Blush teased Madison’s cheeks. She crossed her arms and let out a pouting “Ha-rumph!”
It was the only response her embarrassment could offer.
-
In room 321, Bell soaked in the tub. Music blasted from her tablet and futilely attempted to drown out the emotional storm that had claimed her. She was having difficulty fighting it.
Ben’s appearance was rattling her. She had not wanted Madison to know, especially as it could potentially impact her event and steal her away from Saph or Audrey. The lecture she had attended earlier had given her plenty of reasons as to why acting up right now was a bad idea.
Bell’s inner critic, distinct from the alters in the library, was accusing her of being emotionally manipulative to have such a crisis during the event that Madison shared with her and her other partners. It made her feel like she was stealing time that was not owed. She knew if she could just ride out this storm then she could enjoy the event for what it was without causing a fuss. It would be better for everyone if she could just handle it.
The bath she was taking was what she needed. Just like at the hotel during the long weekend Madison was visiting. A hot bath. Some food. Time to journal.
Thoughts continued to cascade through Bell’s blurred brain as she went step by step through the motions. She lingered in the steamy bath until it was lukewarm, she updated her journal and ate a quick sugary snack. All the while she carefully avoided the mirror and kept the music on loud enough to drown out thoughts. She needed distractions to keep her mind from lingering back to the earlier parts of the day. It took 20 minutes to finish recapping the events in her journal. She had avoided elaborating on her feelings about Ben.
She knew this time was being wasted. The hotel was full of people who loved her and wanted to see her and yet wells of shame, terror and self-loathing were weaponized to make the door of room 321 appear to be a fortified prison that she could not step through.
Within the library Donna and Bella raged but their voices were drowned by the emotional storm of Bell’s blended mood. There was no stopping the poisoned thoughts and their domino effect of negativity. A spiral… and certainly not the fun kind that she had expected to enjoy at the event.
She discarded the green dress into her suitcase, treating it as the weekend’s laundry hamper. She put on the water for a cup of tea and pulled up Discord on her tablet.
She could wait a little while longer before returning to the con. Maybe the tea would settle the lightning in her brain.
-
Time brushed forward and people continued to mingle and congregate in conspace. Displays of casual hypnosis continued, including Dove’s control of Kayleigh, and Madison pulled out her phone to play a few rounds of a puzzle game she’d recently been enjoying.
A ping notified her that Belladonna was online and posting on the event’s Discord channel. Her message bemoaned getting emotionally fried on the first day and how she was terrified it would ruin her weekend.
It made Madison’s heart sink to see her pessimism gnawing at her like this.
She opened their endless chat window which only fell silent on days they were physically together and keyed in a message.
KeladryMindle: Hey. I’m out here in conspace, if you want to sit with me. No pressure.
Then she returned to her puzzle game.
Soon enough Madison had finished a round and she caught a familiar red hair, though no longer contrasted by green velvet but now gray sweatpants. Madison internally noted how Donna would be upset to be seen at the event in anything less than full glamour, but was happy to see her girlfriend all the time.
The redhead’s body language had changed. Neither Bella’s meek caution, scanning a room with arms folded in front or Donna’s sneering confident stride. It was certainly Bell. Walking with shoulders slouched, gaze at the floor.
“--oh, hi there!”
Bell waved meekly and slipped onto the sofa to lean against her. She wasn’t speaking. This did little to soothe Madison’s worries.
“Are you doing okay, love?”
She shook her head. Madison had seen her non-verbal like this in the past. It reminded her of the day that they had traded their first ‘I love you’ with one another.
Madison held a hand out with the palm open, gently signalling intent to pet her. Bell’s head bobbed up and down and Madison drew her hand in, running fingers through red hair. Bell lingered in the comfort of the physical connection for a time before pulling out her phone and typing into their chat window.
BellC: I’ll be fine. Sorry.
“Nothing to apologize for. I can just play my game and vibe and you can take your time. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, okay?”
Bell held her phone close and after a brief delay sent out another response.
BellC: Can I see the orb again, please?
Madison plucked her bag up and removed the resin orb once again and handed it to Bell. She pocketed her phone and began to stare at it. Madison decided against starting up some hypnotic patter and allowed Bell to relax on her own. She considered starting up some gentle patter, but remembered the conversations that followed the DID diagnosis and held off. If Bell wanted that, she would ask.
Bell turned the orb around and stared. Her heart settled.
Madison continued playing her game, struck up conversation and allowed Bell to just relax against her.
Bell’s post on the event channel had indicated that she was worried about wasting precious time but as Bell twisted and turned the orb in her grasp and trusted herself to just zone out and relax against her love, she thought about how rare and beautiful this experience was. There was never time to just exist together. Their relationship made it so any time they got to be in the same space was valuable and needed to be spent wisely.
But here they were. Sharing space and being comfortable with one another. Not worrying about doing anything but just being.
It was lovely. Trust exchanged freely without a single word.
She couldn’t think of a nicer start to their weekend.
Thank you for reading! As always comments and feedback appreciated. Follow me on Twitter @Camden_Dawn or Tumblr at MissCammieDawn for future updates and info.