Hi Diary,

So it’s Sunday! Which means I’m not a thrall anymore, for the first time since, Tuesday I guess? And I don’t get to be a thrall again until tomorrow (blah).

It’s weird. Kind of calming maybe? Or like the opposite of that, maybe, I dunno. Goddess says it’ll be a good time to reflect, and she’s probably right, even if it feels kinda fussy right now.

Or I guess just Luma. I’m calling her Goddess sometimes on reflex, but I’m seriously certain I’m not enthralled! I kinda spent a while this morning trying to get back into it but it’s not coming heh. My brain’s just as like weirdly ironclad about this as it was before Tuesday. And I guess that’s Goddess Luma’s will, so maybe it’s just that I’m so enthralled that I can’t disobey at all, even to start obeying? Actually thinking about that too hard just makes my head hurt so maybe I shouldn’t push it.

But yeah it’s a good time to write a diary entry I guess. I totally remember writing the last few, but they got, uh, shorter, since I was a thrall. Which is really hot!!! But it also makes them really shitty diary entries!!!

Then again, it’s not like I need a diary when I’m hers, since she can just fix all my psychological problems like that thing in Homestuck. I don’t really have anything to talk about! Who needs therapy at that point?

I guess she isn’t fixing everything. I mean I’m definitely getting a lot of stuff done, and I’ve been on my phone less often, and I’m eating better, and even though I’m not hers right now I kept up the wakeup and workout thing this morning. Also, not being hers means I know about the trigger that’s gonna make me finally submit that name change paperwork tomorrow. But still, she doesn’t really know everything about me yet, and I always forget to tell her stuff when we’re hanging out even when she asks me because it’s kinda really easy to just forget about myself around her.

I could ask her to help me write more, but then I’d have to tell her about my writing hehe. Kinda scary!!! Also I write a lot of porn and if I was a thrall I think it might get a little, unfocused, maybe. Like it’s hot that my diary entries are kinda nothing when I’m a thrall but if I’m writing like that I’ll probably just write really annoying meandering prose. Maybe she could help with that too, but then we’d have to talk a lot MORE about my writing and hahaha. Also even then it might still suck. I guess I’d have to just try it? But that’s scary

I talked about it with Janey this morning too. She seems pretty freaked out still, supportive though ofc. I think it’s helping that I’ve mostly talked to her fine the past few days? We’ve even gotten more time together since I’m not scrolling on my phone until 4AM anymore. She also tried to get me to stop that years ago but it didn’t really stick, haha.

But yeah like I do talk about other stuff with Janey, and it’s not like I’m thinking about Goddess or Luma or whatever all the time. Just most of the time hehe!!!

Point is I think even Janey can see this is basically perfect for me! Everything’s just so nice when I’m Luma’s, I don’t have to think about everything, I can kinda just let stuff happen and I never fuck anything up! And even if anything was ever gonna go wrong I’d have Sundays. I can’t even fuck up not being a thrall!

Also I think Janey was mostly upset that I didn’t tell her before agreeing to it, so being able to talk to me today I think calmed her down a lot. And I guess that wasn’t fair, right? It’s kinda like how Luma’s other girls got all freaked out about me being a thrall since Luma didn’t tell them. I mean I still don’t really get why they’re not just following my lead lmao but I get that they’re kinda feeling betrayed. I guess Goddess and I were a little hasty about this maybe.

I actually talked to Helen about that! They texted me before lunch and we talked after. It was pretty intimidating at first, since she’s kind of a total girlboss, but she’s nice and mostly she just wanted to know how things were gonna go if I move in with Luma. Which, wow, that might be a thing, right??? It was weird because we were talking and I was realizing that it was like the first time I’d thought about this since being enthralled where I wasn’t just sorta like waiting for Goddess to work something out. It didn’t even occur to me that Jessica’s probably like really freaked out about that idea specifically!!!

Not that I know what to do about it? Helen said that her and Jessica were ok to put up with it but were probably also gonna look into moving out if it happens. Now that I’m thinking about it I DO feel really bad for them, like, having to kinda hedge their bets and everything. I don’t really get what they’re so scared of but with Mary maybe it was just worse for them when she had them. Also I guess they probably weren’t thinking about getting enthralled literally all the time before that. I dunno how people do that hehe.

But the point is I guess they’re always just doing a weird gamble? Goddess wouldn’t hurt them, but Mary might still. I think? Luma’s been acting like she’s got a plan with Mary but I dunno what it is. She didn’t used to talk about her so much even just like 2 weeks ago, but also I guess that whole thing with the chat hadn’t happened yet. I hope stuff gets resolved with that I dunno. I hope Jessica and Helen get to stay safe? Like even if Luma snapped and started plotting to take them or something I’d feel pretty bad about letting her enthrall me again.

I’d still do it though. Then it wouldn’t feel so bad anymore.

Oh yeah, I talked to Caitlyn too! Today’s been chatty. She seemed, pretty fucked up about everything. I guess this is the first time she’s been released since all that stuff, and she’d just been talking to Helen too, so she was in a state. Helen wasn’t like taking her to task or anything, I think it was more like when they talked to me? Something about reflecting on being thralls, whatever it was it left Cait pretty cried out.

Anyway she also talked to me about the thrall stuff, but it was, uh, different hehe. We kinda fucked about it a little bit? Or, that might not be the right word, but we definitely got pretty sexual. And we also talked too ok!!! I’m not that much of a slut (yet).

It’s weird, Luma told me Cait tempted her before to do the full-time thrall thing but I guess that ship’s sailed now? I tried to convince her to do it with me because Luma’s so sweet but Cait’s kinda got something for Mary I think. I dunno if I can actually read people but it feels like that’s it? I never understood that stupid thing in romcoms where like 2 people love each other again and want to kiss but then it’s like “no it’s just in the past now”, but now I guess it makes a little more sense.

Also I didn’t wanna push it because, like, I’m not a thrall rn, I don’t have to do that, and if not being a thrall is my Goddess’s will I should probably act like it right? Like, of my own free will, to be clear. Because it would make Luma sad otherwise and she’s nice, you know?

Ok I tried to say more head hurty stuff like that out loud to see if I could get back to being a thrall but I couldn’t. My head just stopped hurting eventually for some reason. I think that’s good? It does mean I definitely can’t break back out of this (or into it?) but I dunno, I’m gonna be a thrall again in a few hours once Goddess wakes up again, so I guess there’s no point in trying anyway. Maybe it’s actually even kinda useful to see how this feels while I can? Like those tolerance breaks Janey takes from her meds.

Anyway, Caitlyn didn’t try to get me to give myself to Mary or anything, so that’s another reason not to get pushy about Luma. I wouldn’t have said yes, either, like everything I’ve heard about Mary makes her sound kinda unstable. Might be cool to play videogames with her or something, but she’d probably just try to take me if we tried, or like hypnotize me into losing, which ok maybe I should play videogames with her like really soon hehe.

But yeah I guess I just don’t really know her so I don’t have any reason to have a big crush on her like Caitlyn or Luma do. She’s just kinda another vampire, but now I got Luma to do this for me so I don’t really need that. Actually that makes me feel really awful to say but I think Luma’s “no apologizing” rule has been pretty good for me the past few days so I shouldn’t dwell on it.

I don’t know if I can NOT dwell on it though hahaha? Like it kinda feels like I cheated somehow. Like I got two girlfriends with hot accents and one of them’s a vampire and also owns me??? Something’s gotta go wrong soon right? I have it too good!

I think this entry’s actually getting a bit too long lmao. But I’m happy I did it! I can’t remember the last time I had so much stuff to talk about! And there’s more to come, like I’m totally gonna hang out with Caitlyn again (oh my gosh what if Luma gets Mary to do the same schedule with Caitlyn and we get to do this kind of weird stuff every week???? that’d be so cute!!!) and I might be handling moving next week and stuff.

I guess part of it is that there’s just like IRL people in my life now and they don’t suck and I think they’re not going away anytime soon so way more stuff is happening and that’s just. I dunno it’s nice. A lot of them look at me weird but I think they just don’t get how bad I needed to be a thrall my whole life. That’ll probably change.

Wait, did I just like. Do that thing where a character like walks in and does something super weird and offputting and when everyone’s all like no don’t do that they just go like “get used to it”? Did I just do that thing? Does that make me a bad person? Or a good girl? Or uh oh gosh I dunno what I am hehe I’m uh my life is noooooooooot what it wasssss it’s NEVVER gonna be the same FUCK!!!!!!!!

sdfghjk

Uh ok I’m ending the diary now because I feel like I’m gonna blow up like Prison Island so uh bye diary hehehehheheheheheh3ehehehehi

-Lily