“Why the hell are you just sitting on the porch?!”

“Because I feel like it? It’s a nice evening outside and the air is cleaner than the house?”

“Well get your worthless ass back in! Someone sees you out here they’re gonna call the cops and take you away from me!”

“…”

“What, you going to give me the silent treatment now too? Must be so hard for you, having such a horrible mother.”

“I… never said that.”

“You didn’t say it, but you were thinking it, weren’t you?!”

“I was thinking about how it was a nice evening outside and how I was having a nice quiet moment.”

“Oh well forgive me for ruining your fun. Fun fact—“ static “—you wanna know how much fun I had to give up raising you?! You probably didn’t even think of it, since all you think of is yourself!”

“…I’ll come inside.”

“Finally. Hey! Don’t give me that sad look! Things could be much worse, you know!”

They could be a lot better, too.

…

…

…

static

“—what are you doing up?! Do you know what hour it is?!”

“It’s… 3:45am, mom.”

“Don’t fucking sass me, you brat! The fuck you look all ready for school for?! Maybe someone dropped you on your head when I wasn’t looking, but school isn’t for another four hours, you dumbass!”

“I was going to do homework.”

“The fuck you mean? What, you gonna go in the yard again and wait for someone to pick you up?”

“I was going to go to Waffle Land. I packed my own lunch.”

“Wow, you think you’re so smart, huh? What are you going to tell yourself, that you're studying hard to get into Harvard?”

“…” 

“Hey! Answer me—“

“Will you just shut the fuck up, lady?!”

“Oh, are we doing this?! We’re yelling in the middle of the night?!”

“We sure fucking are, bitch!”

“What the shit did you just call me? Are you fucking psycho or something? Get over here so I can—“

~~

Waking up from nightmares was never as dramatic as TV or movies made it. Lily never shot up and looked around, hyperventilating while coming to. Usually, they would open their eyes, quietly regain their breath and wait for their heartbeat to slow down. And ideally, they'd fall asleep minutes later.

They could hear Kassandra’s scream ringing in their ears, slowly withering away.

Tonight was no different. Lily sighed in relief when they realized they had, in fact, not been suddenly transported fifteen years in the past. All they were doing was waiting for sleep to claim their consciousness again.

And waiting.

Being physically next to their Mistress made them feel safer, more comforted — sure. But it also meant they couldn't endlessly toss and turn in their attempted slumber, or groan in frustration that they couldn’t sleep. Lily was left struggling to close their eyes, even struggling to blink.

After about 30 minutes, Lily realized they weren’t going to be able to fall asleep for some time. Which meant it was time for their most likely abnormal relaxation ritual.

With the silence of a sleeping cat and the sleuth of a hunting one, they slipped out of the covers. The clock read 3:06am. They held in an amused scoff. An ironic coincidence, wasn’t it?

They slid out of their Mistress’ bedroom and walked into the kitchen, occasionally looking over their shoulder to make sure their Mistress hadn’t woken up.

Lily exhaled quietly. They opened the fridge. Any onlooker would assume they were just grabbing a midnight snack, but instead they just snatched the most visible selection of fruits and vegetables and quietly placed them on the counter. They barely even noticed what they actually pulled out, glossing over the selection to quietly place a luxury chef’s knife and vast cutting board on the counter. 

Hmm. Looks like they had strawberries, cucumbers, and radishes. A fine selection. It didn’t usually matter what they were chopping, as long as it wasn’t tedious and would relax them.

This was their post nightmare, can’t fall back asleep ritual. It had been for… basically as long as they remembered. It didn’t really matter how it started, all they knew was that it worked and they got a tiny bit of snack prep done in advance. A win-win. No need to overthink it.

After doing a cursory peeling, Lily began chopping the large, ripe cucumber into even, methodical pieces, one after another. Feeling the knife slide in effortlessly — especially with how often Magnolia would get her knives sharpened or even just replaced. In the past, Lily was stuck making due with five year old knives or — in the worst cases — a butter knife.

Satisfied with their chopping, they pushed the pieces onto a plate and discarded the rest. Already they could feel their heartbeat slowing, the blood in their veins flowing more like a gentle stream than an angry river. They took one of the smaller pieces and threw it into their mouth. With a soft, hesitant smile, they diced what was left of the strawberries. That was relatively quick, most of the time was spent on making sure they held the knife correctly. It would not be wise for them to accidentally cut themself, not at this hour of the night.

The same went for the radishes – small, easily sliced, excellent in stir fry later. By the time Lily had gone through a third of their produce stock, they finally felt significantly relaxed and ready to fall asleep.

To say it was just a dream would be silly. It wasn’t. It was Lily’s past, of course it happened. What Lily wouldn’t give for it to actually be a dream?

A sharp pang crossed their chest, thinking about what their relationship with their mom could have been like. 

It wasn’t worth thinking about. They could go see a therapist if they ever wanted to talk about it, Magnolia had offered to pay for it multiple times, Lily just never felt like it. Luckily, she never pushed.

Hell, they hadn’t seen a therapist in years, not since being a patient for a student therapist studying childhood trauma and dissociation in community college. It wasn’t easy to not feel like a guinea pig, but hey, it was free, she explained what dissociation was and the strange things Lily would experience, and she was kind. Up until she graduated and moved to the other side of the country, that was.

They could think about this in the morning. As quietly as possible — which wasn’t too much — they put everything away, washing and drying it to hide any evidence.

They turned around, intending to go right back to sleep.

Only to find Magnolia staring at them with a mixture of confusion, bewilderment, fatigue, and frustration. All too quickly the anxiety plaguing Lily returned, the hairs on their back standing straight up.

“Plaything,” Magnolia spoke in a calm, even, measured tone, “what the hell are you doing?”

Lily paused, trying to think of a regular explanation. Or… maybe they didn’t have to? Did they? Judging by their Mistress’ expression and the way it struck fear into their heart made them think to tread cautiously, but… it wasn’t that weird, right?

“I was just chopping vegetables, Mistress,” they answered candidly.

“Chopping… vegetables,” she slowly echoed. “Why, pray tell, were you chopping vegetables at 3 in the morning?”

Lily winced at the raised tone. She quickly took the hint and tried to lower her voice. “I… I couldn’t sleep. This is… um, sometimes how I fall back asleep. Like how some people read or meditate when they wake up in the middle of the night.” A long, silent pause. “Does… that make sense?”

It didn’t. Lily knew it didn’t.

Magnolia tried to keep her voice as calm and even as possible; clearly, she didn’t want to be joining Lily in their late time festivities. “We will be discussing this more in the morning. Understood?”

Lily’s face turned sullen. “Yes, Mistress. I understand.”

“Good,” she sighed in relief. “Now. Do you think you could go back to sleep? You do need some rest before your morning routine, in case you didn’t remember.”

Lily giggled, rubbing their eyes. “Of course, Mistress. Let’s… um, I’m happy to be going back to bed with you, Mistress. Thank you for — for not being mad.”

“Oh,” she inhaled, “don’t get me wrong, plaything. I am angry, I’m just too bewildered to think of how to properly scold you. We’ll save that part for the morning.”

Even with the hint of flirtatious dominance to her voice, Lily’s stomach dropped. Suddenly it was hard for them to fall back asleep.

~~

Despite their lingering fatigue and dread over the punishment to come, Lily managed to follow all their morning protocols to the T. They woke up on time and got breakfast set up.

A part of them wanted to throw the strawberries they chopped in a parfait or something, but they felt it would be adding fuel to the incoming fire. At least they’d make a good snack later.

It didn’t take long afterwards for their Mistress to wake up. She clearly looked significantly more fatigued than usual, as she quickly sat down and begun eating, soon giving Lily permission to join her after. Lily hesitantly sat down and began to pick at their food, begging their anxiety-ridden body to start scarfing everything down. Forcing an appetite wasn’t their strong skill, nor was being willing to waste food. Luckily, their Mistress was taking her time herself.

What was she going to do?

Finally, she began speaking, almost answering Lily’s silent prayers. “Tell me what happened.” It was an order. A calmly spoken one, but an order nonetheless.

Lily slowly put their utensils down, struggling to maintain eye contact. They opened their mouth, closed it, and repeated as such until they could find the words. The impatience on their Mistress’ face grew, along with the dread in Lily’s stomach.

They hated talking about this.

“I’m sorry, Mistress,” they explained as best they could. “I… it’s hard for me to talk about. Would you please, um, give me time to word my thoughts?”

Magnolia hummed, taking another slow sip of caffeine. “I suppose I can allow that, so long as you end up answering me.”

Lily let out a small, relieved exhale. “Thank you, Mistress. Um…”

They sighed. Nowhere to start but the beginning, they supposed. “I, uh, you probably know this by now, Mistress. But my mom wasn’t exactly… the kindest.”

“I got that impression, yes.”

They chuckled nervously. “R-right. I suppose it’s obvious. A-anyways, I kind of had to start taking care of myself at a certain point. I couldn’t really be home with her, she’d always find something to get angry at me about. So… so I began to just… stay out of sight. And, well, part of that is – well, she never really cooked for me, or gave me any food. She had stuff in the fridge, but that was about it. And when I would go to eat anything, I’d just get insulted.” Lily’s eyes welled up slightly, but they brushed away the tears, barely noticing it. “She’d say I was a pig or whatever. So I started having to just do stuff when she’d be asleep. And… part of it was waking up early to make my own food.”

Magnolia hummed in understanding, but didn’t say anything, so Lily continued. “Eventually I just found it relaxing. Just rhythmically chopping, when the house was silent, when she wouldn’t bother me. It was one of the few times growing up I could just… be.”

“And… you kept that habit?”

Lily nodded and sighed. “Cleaning, too. Her house was just a total mess and it always made me super anxious! Like, I felt like I was going to vomit sometimes. Sometimes I did. So sometimes I just… wake up in the middle of the night and start cleaning or chopping vegetables or… whatever. And then the nearby diner would eventually open, so I’d sneak out and work on homework or nap there before my mom could wake up. I went there basically daily at 4am.”

Magnolia raised an eyebrow. “And none of the employees questioned this?”

“N-no, Mistress. Because, uh…” Lily looked away. “I was an employee.”

“W-what?”

Lily nodded. “Yeah. I tried to get home after my mom would go to sleep, too. So I took a job there. They – they paid me in cash. It wasn’t really legal, so they kept me in the kitchen or cleaning or whatever. I’d work there as late as I could, as often as I could. So I’d get home at midnight and leave at 4am.”

The more they talked about it, somehow it became harder and easier at the same time. The words flowed to them better, sure, but realizing just how fucked up it was when they said it out loud was…

It hurt.

Maybe this was the punishment.

“On weekends, I’d just do the same thing. Leave as early as I could and do whatever until I could get home late enough. I collected hobbies so I’d have stuff to do, always, and so I wouldn’t have to spend any time at home.”

“And this was how you lived until you were 18, then?”

Lily finally broke eye contact. They couldn’t bring themself to look their Mistress in the eyes. “Until I was 16, actually, Mistress. On my sixteenth birthday, I got my mom to sign emancipation paperwork. I told her she… she’d never have to do anything for me again. I packed my things, and then I brought the papers to the courthouse, and moved into someone’s closet. The student council president, actually. I think she just felt bad for me. Her parents were stupid rich, too, so it was a nicer space than what I had. I… I did the same thing over and over. It was a hard habit to grow out of, so I still just left as early as possible and came back as late as possible. I couldn’t sit still, even though she was treating me significantly kinder. It kind of led to me cooking and cleaning for her family, which they appreciated, a lot. So they let me stay for two whole years. They even paid for my train ticket up to this state and gave me some cash as a thank you gift.”

Silence filled the kitchen. Magnolia had no idea what to say, clearly. Lily wouldn’t either. They didn’t expect to just delve into their life story. Magnolia asked a simple question and they regaled her with all the gruesome details. “I’m sorry, Mistress. I didn’t mean to… to say so much. But… that’s why you saw me like that last night.”

“And have you done this before, plaything?”

Lily slumped. “I’m sorry, Mistress.” The answer was yes, they did it quite often, but that was all they needed to say to get that point across.

Another pause.

“It’s shocking to me, you know,” she started, not having taken her eyes off of Lily’s for a second. “We have been together for years, you’ve had this strange – understandable, but strange – midnight habit, and I have not once noticed. And you do know I’m not a heavy sleeper.”

Lily clutched their hands against their thighs. “I understand, Mistress. I’m… I’m so sorry. I won’t do it any more.”

“Did I say that was necessary, plaything?” Magnolia snapped. Lily’s back straightened and they were about to continue or apologize when, “I never asked you to stop. I asked you to explain. You do get the difference, right?”

“Right, Mistress,” Lily replied in a quiet voice. “I… I understand. I accept whatever punishment you give me.”

“What are you talking about, plaything? The punishment is over,” she said casually, leaving Lily trapped in their confusion. “I forced you to talk about something painful. And thank you for doing so, plaything. I know it wasn’t easy to endure.”

Lily bit the inside of their lip. She was right - it wasn’t something they wanted to talk about first thing in the morning, or anytime. Hell, before they started talking out loud, they hadn’t realized how completely fucked up it was. Mistress had left them completely sleep deprived many times for her amusement in the past and it didn’t feel nearly as terrible as Lily sleep depriving themself just to escape abuse. More tears welled up, tears they wiped away just as quickly as they came on only for more to show up and–

Two arms wrapped around them and pulled them behind. Lily was about to yelp when one of their Mistress’ hands clasped over their mouth. “It’s okay, Lily. You’re okay and safe. I won’t let anyone treat you that way, ever.”

Without a second’s pause, the tears doubled, tripled, quadrupled as they poured down Lily’s face, tiny sobs muffled by Magnolia’s hand.

“Besides, it’s not like it’s a bad thing,” she chuckled. “With a few adjustments, and making sure it doesn’t get out of hand or begin to hurt you, it could be a nice, handy tool, perfect for serving me further.”

Lily nodded softly, continuing to sob and cry and let out years of untold pain. Through the sobbing, their body tired out again, and they began to slip into a thin trance. They thanked their Mistress, once again muffled, and she finally took her hands off of them.

“Speaking of,” she continued, “you chopped the rest of our strawberries, didn’t you?”

Lily nodded once again, “yes,” they answered in a weak, tired voice. They hadn’t done any training or any kind, but Lily felt as though they’d been through a week’s worth of high protocol training.

“Well, whip us up some dessert, why don’t you?”

Lily smiled softly, the tears finally coming to a stop. They stood up and obliged with joy and devotion.