The first thing Audrey knows is light. Long, slanting rays of sun, coming in through a window to the side of her bed and falling right onto her face. It's a little painful, actually. She shields her face instinctually and rolls over, bringing more of the room into view. It's unfamiliar, and there's some naked woman standing across the room at a stove -

This isn't her room. She sits up hastily, and a flash of pain twinges through her core - and that brings memory along with it.

Eva. Her smile, her kisses, her cock -

Audrey's hand goes to her throat, and comes away stained silver with Eva's lipstick.

… It was real. It was all real. 

She's not a virgin anymore.

Her cheeks burn with the memory - Eva spearing into her, Eva holding the massager on her, Eva kissing her - and she curls up small on the bed, fighting down a burst of treasonous joy. She just - stumbled into fucking some woman she barely knows on her first day in the Bowers, that's not something to be proud of -

Eva looks over at the sound of sheets rustling. "Oh, good morning! Did the light wake you?"

Audrey yanks the covers up to hide herself. "I… uh… yeah."

Eva half-smiles. "Pancakes are almost ready. Don't get up, I'll bring them over to you." She turns back to the stove and flips a pancake.

The small motion makes the light from the window play across her skin, and Audrey notices red marks trailing from her shoulders to her lower back.

… Oh no, she hurt her, she was so focussed on her own pleasure and she scratched up Eva who's only been nice and lovely to her and -

Eva turns and her breasts and her pussy come into view. Audrey goes even redder and buries her face in her hands.

"Audrey?" Eva's gentle voice comes from far closer than Audrey expects, and she startles. "Pancakes." 

Audrey looks up (oh no Eva's naked body right there) and finally notices the tray in Eva's hands. Sitting on it is a plate heaped with pancakes, a tall glass of milk, and a small pitcher of syrup, along with a knife and fork.

"I uh - what?" Audrey looks at the stack of pancakes, then at Eva's face, then at the pancakes again. "Pancakes?"

"Pancakes!", Eva repeats cheerily. "Could you un-scrunch a little so I can set this in your lap?"

Audrey hesitantly flattens out a bit, still holding the covers up over her breasts, and Eva sets the tray down in her lap. It has little feet on the bottom that stabilize it and make an impromptu table-in-bed for Audrey.

Audrey stares at the pancakes, her thoughts still all frozen up, and doesn't move.

Eva ruffles her hair. "Brain a little slow to boot in the morning, huh? It's alright. But you really do have to eat something. You barely touched your supper."

Okay. This is her life now. She's getting petted by a beautiful naked woman she fucked last night and there are pancakes in her lap and she's supposed to eat them. She… should probably eat.

Audrey goes to pick up her fork, only for the bedsheet to fall away from her breast; she hastily aborts the motion and covers up again.

Eva reaches over to the bedstand, picks up Audrey's black strappy bra, and offers it to her. "Here, if you want to cover up a little. Personally I like seeing you, but if you're not comfortable I'm not comfortable either."

Audrey accepts the bra with a little blushy nod, her gaze still anywhere but on Eva's nude body. "Could you… Turn around for a minute?" she asks.

Eva smiles slightly. "If you insist." She turns away and walks across the room to the kitchen nook, her bare ass swaying; Audrey's gaze flicks downwards, and then she forces her attention back to her bra. She's supposed to be getting dressed. Or, at least, a little more dressed…

It's awkward to get the bra on with her back against the headboard, but Audrey manages it with a couple shimmies. She does up the front clasp carefully, and then lets out a breath.

"You, uh, you can… look now." She smooths the covers down against her lap, careful not to expose herself any further; sitting around in nothing but her bra is embarrassing enough!

Eva turns around with a cup of coffee in her hand, and once again Audrey is confronted with her nudity. "I got coffee for you from the console as well," she says. "Can I set this down on your tray too?"

Audrey nods - might as well just go along with whatever at this point - and Eva walks over and bends over to place the coffee on Audrey's tray, coincidentally putting her cleavage almost directly in Audrey's face.

Audrey resolutely doesn't look. Okay, she sneaks one glance. But just one.

"Your pancakes are getting cold," Eva prods. She pulls a chair from the table across the room over to Audrey's bedside and sits. "I'm just going to keep staring at you until you eat, you know."

"I, uh, yes. Pancakes." Audrey rubs her face, and then she picks up her knife and fork, still feeling the prickles of Eva's gaze on her half-naked body. Then she realizes that she hasn't put on the syrup, and sets down her knife and fork to pour it over the pancakes. Okay. She can do this. Cut off a little chunk, pop it in her mouth… Mmmmm, real maple syrup…

Her eyes close for a moment as she chews and swallows, and hunger swells in her stomach, and okay she's eating pancakes now. She washes her first bite down with a swig of milk and sets to demolishing the plate properly.

Eva sits by the bedside, still completely nude, and quietly watches the play of Audrey's fork and knife against the plate. Slowly, she begins to smile.

Audrey glances over, her mouth still full of pancake. "mmmwhat? Wha'rre you smiling at?"

Eva ducks her head. "You just seem a little more at ease, that's all. It's good to see you getting some food in you, too."

Audrey swallows guiltily. "I…" She looks away. "You don't have to fuss over me."

Eva sighs. "Yes, I do, Audrey, that's called aftercare and it's fundamental. Not to mention that you matter to me as a person. Be a little kinder to yourself, okay?"

Audrey shakes her head muzzily. "What's aftercare?"

Eva taps her lips. "Aftercare is what you do for your partner after a scene to make sure they had a good time. It usually consists of snuggles, talking about what was good or needed improvement, hot drinks, that kind of thing. Aftercare is important, because after going through intense experiences like sex, a lot of people get what's known as sub drop or domme drop - a feeling of exhaustion, vulnerability, or even hurt as they recover from what's happened. Shame's not an uncommon response either, especially if what you did was new to you. And judging from how you're acting this morning, I'd say you're experiencing some fairly heavy sub drop."

Audrey lets out a heavy breath.

It's normal.

She's normal.

But -

"Are you okay? I saw your back, and there were some pretty angry red marks on it -"

Eva smiles. "I'm perfectly fine. You did scratch me, but I'm a Gracebearer, darling, I like pain. It only heightened things for me."

Audrey looks down at her pancakes. "… really? You're sure you're not just saying that…?"

Eva rolls her eyes. "If I wanted your scratches gone, I'd have used my Grace on them by now. The truth is, I like them. They're a little reminder of what we did together - why would I turn that down?"

Audrey flushes. She's put marks on Eva… marks Eva wants to keep…

She's into it, and that just makes it even worse.

"But - I hurt you -"

Eva sighs. "There's a difference between pain and suffering, Audrey, one that I'm already intimately familiar with. You may have hurt me, but you didn't harm me. Please trust me on this."

Audrey nods. "… Alright. If you say so."

Eva smiles. "I do. How about you? How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"I…" Audrey takes a drink of her coffee. "… I'm…" She looks down at her plate of food. "Can we talk about this once I'm done eating?"

Eva nods. "Certainly. I'll be right here if you want me, okay?"

"Okay. Can we… Hold hands, just for a moment?" Audrey can't meet Eva's eyes.

"Of course." Eva offers her hand.

Audrey takes it, and squeezes it softly. After a long moment, she lets go and picks up her fork again.

The pancakes are pleasantly distracting. Light and fluffy, deluged in syrup, and absolutely delicious. They manage to keep her from glancing over at Eva's nude body every thirty seconds, even. She saves the coffee for last, lingering over it, her head bowed, her hair falling around her face.

Is she okay?

No, she really, really isn't. She - feels dirty. And it's not Eva's fault, of course it's not Eva's fault, but it's so hard to say it, it feels like she's accusing her of something -

She takes a deep breath and another drink of her coffee. Her gaze flicks over to Eva. Eva who was patient with her, Eva who's asking after her, Eva who made her pancakes and made sure she ate them…

She exhales softly.

If she can't tell Eva this, who can she tell?

Clematis, maybe. But - she owes it to Eva, to be honest with her. She's earned that much.

She sets down her empty coffee on the tray and stares into the middle distance.

Eva doesn't say anything; she just takes the tray away, then comes back and sits by the bedside again.

The silence stretches.

"I…" Audrey clears her throat. "- No, I'm not okay. I feel… all confused and dirty and wrong. I - you're wonderful, but - I barely know you, and I just - had sex with you, my first time with you - and I don't know whether to be happy or ashamed. Everything I was taught says you don't - sleep around, fuck casually, be - you know. And I just… hopped into bed with you on my very first day in the Bowers."

Eva nods thoughtfully. "I thought we might have this discussion in the morning, so I took the opportunity while I was up before you to look through some of my old memories and pull some things that were relevant. It's true that touch helps with shame, but it's more complicated than that… This is one of those things that a lot of people go through, but almost nobody understands on a logical level. So… where to start… Alright, I think I have something to say. Why did you come to the Rose Bowers, Audrey?"

"To… To lose my virginity."

"And you made that decision when?"

Audrey looks away. "… A couple months ago."

"And you knew what the Rose Bowers were like then, yes? You read the program? You knew that it would be easy to find sex here and that you'd be encouraged to?"

Audrey nods slowly.

"So why are you feeling ashamed that you accomplished the goal you set out to reach?"

"Because… Because if it was this easy, all along, I - what was I even doing with my life?"

Eva half-smiles. "Dysphoria is a bitch. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for not finding sex while you were trapped in a body you hated and didn't find at all attractive. Even after you got your Assume True Persona, there was still a lot of damage left to undo - and what you told me of your session with Clematis tells me you've been working hard to repair it."

Audrey sighs. "Yes, but… what does it say about me, that I - fell into bed with the first person to hit on me, as soon as I could -"

Eva tilts her head. "I'd say it means you know what you want and you're brave enough to ask for it."

"That's - I mean, you can put that spin on it, I guess…" Audrey shakes her head.

Eva smiles sadly. "Shame… shame gets into you, you know? It's the emotion you have when you fail to live up to your values. And what you value - well, that's your still-beating heart. What you care about, what matters to you - that's what makes you you. So the process of letting go of shame is… it's about deciding to be a different kind of person, and that's never easy." Eva reaches out to Audrey, and Audrey hesitantly takes her hand. She squeezes Audrey's hand softly.

"I don't think that anything you've done here is shameful. And if you want to follow that dream you had - the dream of being comfortable with yourself, your desires, your sexuality - then I can help you let go, as well. You've already done so much work, and I think you know, on some level, that the shame is lying to you. But I can't work against your own desires, darling. If you want to keep this hurt, this pain, close to your heart - I can't tell you to let go."

Audrey takes a careful breath. "I - no, I - you're right, this isn't rational, but I can't just - let go of it that easily - It's not so simple as that -"

Eva smiles slightly. "Trust me. I've got experience with this."

Audrey exhales. "… Alright." She squeezes Eva's hand firmly.

"So," Eva says. "All this time you've been fighting your anxiety, right?"

Audrey nods. "Yeah."

"And there would be much less to fear if you were confident that what you were doing was right, was proper, right?"

Audrey nods quickly. "Definitely."

"So your fear is at least partially rooted in your shame."

Audrey tilts her head. "I guess so."

"So a lot of what you've already done to get past your fear has actually been about fighting your shame." Eva smiles.

Audrey blinks. "What?"

Eva holds her other hand up and starts counting on it. "Professionals advise that in order to get past sexual shame, you should one, masturbate and get familiar with your body, two, assert your individual sexual autonomy, three, reach out to a supportive community, four, see a professional,  five, treat yourself as attractive…" She goes back to her thumb and starts folding her fingers in again. "Six, communicate openly and honestly with your partners, seven, do good quality aftercare with your partners, eight, practice compassion for yourself… And then my personal experience says that all this is the lead up to getting some practical experience of your own that puts the lie to the shame, which, guess what you just did?" Eva's voice gets a small teasing note.

"I, uh… wow. I did all that?"

"Sorry, that all went by rather fast didn't it? Yes, you did all that. I can repeat it again more slowly if you want."

Audrey shakes her head. "No, I get it, I'm on the right track. You don't need to go through it all."

Eva smiles. "I have half a mind to go through it all just to hammer home how much you've already done, but if you say so. So… what are you ashamed of?"

Audrey looks down at her lap. "I… Want things that are… selfish. Or just wrong…"

Eva tilts her head. "Like what?"

"… Wanting to - fuck you, like you're not a person with your own wants and feelings and desires… and wanting to… mark you… and wanting to be better at sex…" Audrey sighs.

Eva hums. "Okay, let's go through those one by one. It's true that I'm a person, but have you considered that I wanted to fuck you? I don't think it's ignoring what I want and desire to… literally do what I want and desire."

"… I… Really?"

Eva nods seriously. "Really and honestly. You're hot."

Audrey blushes. "I… I don't believe you."

Eva squeezes Audrey's hand softly. "That's the dysphoria talking, darling. You're gorgeous. Do you think I would have done all that with you if I wasn't attracted to you? Remember, I approached you first."

Audrey hesitates. "I… no, not you. Maybe someone else, but not you."

Eva smiles. "Alright. As for marking me… Well, we'd have to negotiate that if we were doing it more seriously, but I like having marks on me from my lovers. Like I said, that's why I'm keeping your scratches for now."

"But… I want to…" Audrey looks down at her hands. "… They make me feel possessive. And you're - your own person, like I said -"

Eva nods softly. "Possessive feelings are entirely normal in a relationship as well. Even jealousy is normal. It's not a problem to play with those feelings either, so long as you negotiate and communicate. Stoicism isn't a relationship virtue, darling; honesty is."

Audrey sighs. "I don't want to be - clingy, though - that's not good for anyone…"

"I think it's not really clinginess until it's actively hurting you or them - because you're monopolizing their time and preventing them from doing things they want to do, or because you're chopping things you need out of your schedule in order to cram in more time with the object of your affection. And you show all the signs of wanting to be careful about that and not overcrowd me."

Audrey nods slowly. "Okay."

Eva smiles. "So then there's wanting to be better at sex. Honestly, I don't really see what's wrong with that? It's natural to want to improve your skill and to please your partners. That has benefits for both you and them."

Audrey tilts her head. "… Yeah, I… I'm not sure why I said that was a bad thing…"

Eva squeezes Audrey's hand. "Maybe it's because you don't think sex is a good thing?"

Audrey frowns. "I don't…" She bites her lip. "I'm not sure how I feel about sex."

Eva smiles slightly. "Well, you did seem to enjoy it…"

Audrey blushes, her gaze darting away from Eva's nude body. "That doesn't necessarily mean it's good, though. Plenty of not-good things are fun."

Eva nods. "Alright, then what's wrong with it?"

Audrey hunches a little. "Um… it's embarrassing…"

"And all embarrassing things are bad?", Eva asks.

"…no, that can't be right, or I'd have never transitioned." Audrey takes a deep breath. "I don't know what's wrong with it. It just feels… weird."

Eva tilts her head. "Maybe that's just because it's unfamiliar to you. Plenty of people think being trans is weird, but when you get to know an actual trans person…"

Audrey nods thoughtfully. "Yeah, that could be it…"

"So maybe you just need to get more experience." Eva smiles slightly, and her gaze dips for a second to Audrey's cleavage in her bra.

Audrey blushes. "H-hey, where is this going?"

Eva tilts her head. "Nowhere you don't want it to go, of course. But I do recall you said last night that you wanted to… pay me back?"

Audrey looks away. "… Yeah, I did say that, didn't I…"

Eva squeezes Audrey's hand. "I'm not going to hold you to that, dove. Just because you wanted it then doesn't mean you want it now. But if you were still interested, I wouldn't turn you down."

Audrey looks down at Eva's hand. "Do you… do you want it?"

Eva cracks a smile. "Do I want an orgasm from a beautiful brave girl who I'm terribly attracted to? Darling, that's like asking if I want chocolate cake. But I want you to be comfortable even more than that. So I want your actual answer, even if it's a no. Especially if it's a no."

Audrey squeezes Eva's hand, then lets go. "I… let me think about it a little, okay?"

Eva nods. "That's fine. I wasn't expecting an instant answer."

Audrey crosses her arms over her chest, and bows her head in thought.

There's a little flutter in her stomach. Is that fear, or excitement? … probably both. Last night… last night was amazing. But…

That "but" lingers, not quite forming into a full sentence. "But I'm not a slut?" Silly. "But I just met Eva yesterday?" Didn't stop her from the first time, and it's not like Eva's suddenly gotten worse overnight. "But sex is bad?" What was she just saying? "But it'll change how Eva sees her?" Last night doesn't seem to have changed things any.

… none of this makes any sense. Her objections aren't rational, they're - all based in fear, in hurt, in a world where she doesn't deserve any of this -

But it's really happening, to the real her.

Maybe, just maybe, it's okay to trust.

"I'm scared," she says. "I… don't even know what I'm scared of. It feels like… everything and nothing, all at once."

Eva nods sympathetically, but doesn't say anything.

"I… I don't know what to do." Audrey knits her hands together in her lap.

Eva leans in. "I can't make this decision for you. But I can say… whatever decision you make, I'll be proud of you."

Audrey sighs. "I… That helps a little, but not anywhere near enough."

Eva drops her chin into her hand. "Well, we could always ask Sunaira…"

"You mean - Literally Sunaira?" Audrey stares at Eva.

"Mhm. The Goddess of the Bowers herself. She writes letters to everyone in the programs, whenever you want to ask for one. And, well, she has basically all the experience, so…" Eva spreads her hands.

Audrey tilts her head. "That… sounds really helpful." She exhales a little. "So, how does this work…?"

Eva exhales as well. "Just tap. It'll be in the front of the program you get."

Audrey taps twice on the bed, and a glossy booklet appears. It's printed with a picture of a hedge maze full of flowers, and the Bowers' rose logo with the word "Program" written on it in flowing cursive.

She opens it with trembling fingers to the first page, and - yes, the header is "A Letter From Sunaira."

"I'm just going to read this all out, okay?" Audrey looks over at Eva.

Eva smiles. "Yeah, okay."

Audrey clears her throat, and reads:

Dear Audrey Fraser & Evangeline Grey

You two are really stuck, huh? Something's obviously the matter when you start calling on literal goddesses to solve your relationship problems.

Eva, you should really know already what I would say in the general case, so I'm not going to let you squirm out of saying it for yourself. You should also know that I don't generally give specific advice on situations where identity is at stake, given my commitment to the self-determination of all sentient beings.

That said, there are one or two things I can say without overstepping; given that you've explicitly asked for my help, it would be kind of a bullshit response for me to say "It's your problem, deal with it."

So I hope you'll take this as the word of a friend, and not a goddess; I believe in your connection, and in your care for each other. Both of you have a lot of fear to work through, and your decisions to open up and be intimate despite that speak to your strength and bravery. The question of sex or not is almost irrelevant compared to your ongoing decision to allow each other in, and it's my belief that as long as you both keep caring and keep working together to be good to each other the rest will work itself out.

Then, gently, three questions for both of you:

1: Is it more important to be open with your feelings or to avoid pressuring your partner?

2: Is it worth it to have a potentially bad experience in order to learn?

3: What are you afraid to say? What could you do to approach that, even slowly and cautiously?

With hope for your continued flourishing,

Sunaira

Audrey exhales, and looks over at Eva.

She has her face in one hand, and she's blushing profusely. "I, uh…"

Audrey tilts her head. "So, what would Sunaira say?"

Eva sighs. "Happiness is good. If it harms no-one, including yourself, there's no reason not to have fun. And that applies heavily to sex and kink, especially in the age of Graces. Why do you think she sponsors the Bowers?"

Audrey nods. "Why was that so hard to say?"

Eva looks away. "I… I didn't want to pressure you, I feel like I've been pushing this whole time and I don't want to - take away the decision from you, it's your decision."

Audrey looks down at the letter again. "So… 'is it more important to be open with your feelings or to avoid pressuring your partner' - that's aimed at you, isn't it?"

Eva rubs her face. "Yeah. It's totally aimed at me. I… I really like you. It's been years since I've considered dating someone as seriously as I'm thinking about you."

Audrey looks away. "You didn't seem… very into me, last night. Sure, you got me off, but, you know…"

"I didn't get off." Eva nods.

"Yeah. And… You were always in control, always managing things, and it was so good but… It wasn't what I'd hoped for." Audrey flushes a little, but manages to control her voice.

"Would you like to try topping?" Eva tilts her head.

"I want…" Audrey looks down at the bed. "… Can I hold your hand?"

Eva offers her hand.

Audrey takes it, and squeezes it, and takes a deep breath. "… I want to hear you moan. I want to feel like I'm… able to please you, and to give you something good and fun and worth it, not just receive but give as well. I guess… I want to reciprocate?"

Eva flushes a little, and nods. "… If you want to do that, it's okay to. You don't have to listen to the fear. You can… step forwards, and try."

Audrey looks down at Eva's hand, and squeezes it again. "Yeah, but… I'm so inexperienced, I don't know if I'll be able to… you know…"

Eva cracks a smile. "It's not all that complicated. And I'd be very willing to instruct you. If you wanted to, I mean."

Audrey looks over at Eva, taking in every inch of her nude body. She's still beautiful.

The decision is pretty easy, in the end.

"Yeah." Audrey blushes, but smiles. "Yeah, I'd like that."