[See First Contact for an image of Ren from Chapter 1. Pictures for this chapter can be found at https://www.deviantart.com/glaringeye/art/Will-Ren-FINALLY-win-the-prank-war-story-w-pics-1232681289 
Text is all human-generated by me, but the linked images are AI-generated ]
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It was probably the weirdest prank war in the known universe, Ren thought to himself. It was weird not because the pranksters were weird (although they were, no question), but because of the odd circumstances in which it played out.

The Prank War (all involved referred to it with appropriately reverent capital letters) had been a 13-year obsession for the junior engineering crew of the ES Jonathan Swift, a massive expedition ship traveling from Earth to a star cluster around 40 light years away. It was unusual primarily because of the drawn-out, intermittent nature of the pranking: Because the expedition's journey would take more than 50 years to complete, almost all of the humans on board were hibernating in a frozen state in their stasis tubes. To slow down their aging process, no one other than the ship's crew would leave stasis during the journey, and--other than the annual staff meeting/holiday party--the ship basically relied entirely on automated systems and regular maintenance shifts to keep things ship-shape.

Every week, one of the maintenance workers would awaken from stasis and spend 48 hours conducting a thorough check of the ship's systems. They all had their specialties, and if they discovered anything that they couldn't handle they could wake up more of the supervisors or specialists...but the ship was so well-designed that basically never happened. Things were pretty hectic during the initial two years of heavy acceleration, but once the ship was began its coasting phase (which would last for the next 46.23 years) things settled down.

In fact, without any civilians stomping around clumsily breaking things left and right, things actually settled down a little TOO much. Giving the young, smart, highly-trained (but also easily bored) maintenance workers the run of the ship with no direct supervision and lots of spare time on their hands was either a recipe for disaster or great creativity. The core group of 15 maintenance workers settled quickly on "Both of these things."

The initial pranks were relatively mild. Ren, for example, was nearly 30 hours into one of his quarterly shifts before he noticed someone had used a permanent marker to give him a sinister Van Dyke beard while he had been in stasis. He guessed (incorrectly, as it turned out) that his friend Ted the medbay tech had pranked him, and retaliated by filling his favorite gauntlets with gelatin. Weeks later, Ted retaliated against April by gluing her work boots to the deck, etc. etc. etc. While some of the pranks were fun and clever, when the full maintenance team woke up for the annual staff meeting/holiday party, the Chief solemnly announced that he would have any pranksters who interfered with normal ship operations inspect the airlocks from the outside of the ship... without a suit.

So after the staff meeting and holiday party wound down, Ren and the other 14 pranksters decided to set some rules, penalties, and victory conditions to constrain their competition. After a lot of raucous negotiation and yelling, they settled on a formal Declaration of (Prank) War. Some of the rules were pretty straightforward and aimed at ensuring they did not run afoul of the Chief ("No pranks that could possibly harm ship operations or interfere with maintenance responsibilities" and the like). The rules also didn't allow painful pranks or ones that were likely to injure participants, and required the pranker clean up all evidence of the prank by the end of their next shift.

Each prank was scrupulously tracked and scored by the other pranksters, with dumb pranks or ones that violated rules hurting their score. Each prankster would also nominate a single prank as the best of the year. If any prankster received everyone's vote for prank of the year, they would win the Prank War. Thus, for more than a decade, every prankster had been fixating on winning the War, and Ren was no exception. Ren was clever--and stubborn--but the competition was fierce. Ren was repeatedly thwarted in the competition, most often by his mohawk-wearing best friend, Ted.

Ren and Ted had bonded during their training for the expedition and were soon inseparable... so much so that the other workers tended to refer to them as a single unit, "RenTed." Even so, they were both obsessed with winning the competition. Ted's specialty was maintaining the med-tech systems on the ship, which were vital... but seldom used with the crew mostly immobile in stasis. As such, he had a lot of free time during his waking hours and devoted most of them to the prank war. Ted dominated the voting almost every year. His first victory was ensured when he hacked the ship's computer and audio systems to play personalized theme songs for each crew member that followed them as they moved around the ship nonstop for all 48 hours of their shifts (impressively including in the speakers of their EVA suits as they worked outside the ship).

Ren had honestly been most impressed five years ago when Ted had cultivated a verdant strip of Kentucky rye grass in the ship's main passageway, which stretched the entire length of the ship. Ted had come within three votes of ending the war that year, and Ren had become increasingly concerned that he would have to step up his game or Ted would walk away with the competition.

Last year Ren had teamed up on a prank with Phil, who specialized in maintaining the ship's hull. Phil helped Ren use the EVA bots to mount tiny flying saucer models onto all of the viewports on the ship... from the outside. Even so, Ted wowed the voters with a truly legendary tapioca pudding prank and the best Ren could manage was a tie vote.

All of which meant that when Ted groggily drifted awake at the start of his quarterly shift and saw Ren standing next to his stasis pod grinning ear-to-ear, his fuzzy brain jolted with the immediate realization that the game was afoot. "Gaaaaah," he said, before momentarily losing his train of thought. He blearily rubbed his eyes and flopped his head toward Ren with a heavy sigh. "All right you smug little fucker. Out with it: you look like the cat that ate the canary... if the cat was doing something stupid with his hair. Wait, is your hair your prank this time?" he chortled wearily.

Annoyingly, Ren continued to beam smugly and taunted Ted in a singsong voice, "🎶You'll never guess and you'll never beat me." Ted's head felt like a truck had smashed through it, backed up, and smashed it again. He gave a weary groan and muttered, "What, you came up with something better than your fake aliens?" Ted normally came out of stasis faster than average, but for whatever reason this time he felt flattened and wiped and fuzzy... and his skin was all tingly, which was weird.

When Ren giggled quietly and continued to stand there silently with a smug grin on his face, Ted began to get unnerved. "Wait, what's going on? Why are you looking like that? Actually..." Ted said with increasing volume and clarity, "dammit, why are you even awake right now? Your shift doesn't start for week, and the staff meeting isn't for another six months. What the Hell are you up to?"

Ren rocked back on his heels and continued milking the moment. He pulled a data pad out and held it tight against his chest. "Are you sure you really want to know, my friend?" he said mysteriously. "You might be happier not knowing... since it will basically end the Prank War once and for all!"

Now Ted was getting agitated. "Ren you little fuckwit, what have you done? Out with it, dammit!" Ted's mind raced as he tried to imagine what Ren had been up to as Ted slept, but he was still feeling drained and weird and was having an unusually hard time organizing his thoughts through his headache. He felt like someone had put spikes in his temple and rotisserie-cooked his brain. He felt out of it, and his frustration was being magnified by a growing concern that Ren might actually have pulled something off.

Ren leaned leaned Ted smugly. "Got you worried about my hack? Ren gloated, then continued again in a sing-song voice that seemed to be carefully calibrated to drive Ted into a murderous rage, "🎶Poor little Ted is confused in his head. Thought he would win the prize, but it was me, instead!"

"A lame-ass taunt with fucking rhyming lyrics?" Ted yelled incredulously as his face turned red. "What did you do, you sneaky, inscrutable bastard? What could you possibly have hacked? You don't have the programming chops or access privileges to have fucked with the core systems. Unless somebody helped you again, that is. You can't hack your way out of a wet paper bag, so did one of those CompSys fuckers help you?"

Maddeningly, Ren continued smiling his broad, mysterious smile. "Nope. Wrong again. None of the other maintenance staffers helped me with my hack. But they were all veeeeeerrry impressed when I demonstrated it to them!" With a dramatic flourish, Ren flipped the data pad over and held it in front of Ted's face. Ted squinted his bleary eyes and saw the pad was displaying their comm channel for the Prank War. His blood ran cold when he saw the latest results of the Best Prank form for the year: Even though they were still months away from the awards ceremony, every single other staffer had already cast their vote... for Ren!

"What the fucking fuck did you do!?" he sputtered. "Wait, did you just hack the voting form, you sneaky little asshole? You should know that once everyone wakes up for their shift, they're not only going to reverse their votes, they're going to spike you with so many downvotes that your ass is going to..."

Ren pulled the datapad back and quietly interrupted Ted's rant. "I didn't hack the form, Ted. I showed my hack to each and every one of them in person, and they were all of one mind on this: My prank this year is the best one ever seen. Not even close. It blew their minds."

Ted's mind reeled at that. A prank so impressive that they weren't even willing to wait to see the shockingly impressive prank they probably assumed Ted was going to unleash before voting? (and he really had a banger cued up and ready to go, although now he wondered if his work had been for nothing)

Ted continued trying to understand what Ren had done, and more importantly how he could possibly have pulled off something so impressive without help. Ren was a life support specialist, so maybe he had figured out some way to leverage that into... wait. Ted felt a chill as he realized that Ren was in charge of maintaining the stasis pods, including the one he was lying in right now. Ted lurched himself forward to grab the stasis pod's readout, but was momentarily distracted as a glop of liquid rolled down his belly. "Whatthefuck?" he exclaimed, staring at the liquid. He shook his head and pulled his attention to the readout as he yelled, "You better not have fucked with the stasis pods! Jeopardizing key ship's systems violates the Declaration!"

Ren responded in his annoying sing-song voice, "🎶Ah, you're getting waaaaarrrrmer! I might have made some teeeny tiiiiny improvements." Ted muttered an incomprehensibly varied and deep treatise of profanity as he flipped quickly through the ship's stasis logs and diagnostics. He stopped cold and stared at one entry in the log for his own pod. "Whatthefuck... this says you started my thawing and wakeup sequence more than TWO fucking hours ago, but I've only been awake for like 10 minutes. It looks like you began the thawing sequence, but then locked me in the liminal pre-load sequence for more than an HOUR before fully waking me up? What were you doing..." Ted trailed off incredulously as he reached a conclusion that shocked him to his core. "JESUS H CHRIST! DID YOU THAW ME OUT EARLY AND KEEP ME UNCONSCIOUS JUST SO YOU COULD JACK ME OFF YOU TWISTED FUCKING PERVERT?!?!"

Ren seemed more amused than offended by Ted's accusation, but quickly shushed him and quietly said, "No, Ted, I didn't do that.Now calm down so I can finally show you the prank. I'm sure you're dying to see it!" Surprising even himself, Ted immediately seemed mollified. He knew deep down that Ren would never do something like that without his permission, and he was actually dying to know what Ren had done. But one other important detail occurred to Ted, and he gave a smug little smile of his own.

"One thing I think you're forgetting, my sneaky little prankster." Ted said. As Ren raised his eyebrow curiously, Ted continued. "To end the Prank War, the nominations have to be *unanimous.* I don't know how you got those other fuckers to back you so early in the year, but the thing I know that they don't is the EPIC... competition-ending...LEGENDARY prank I have lined up for later this year. And there's no way you're changing my mind about that regardless of whatever lame prank you've cobbled together." Ted punched the air for emphasis and leaned back against his pillow triumphantly.

"Well, I could probably do one thing that would change your mind," Ren said quietly, and then seemed to say something else that Ted missed as he focused on figuring out Ren's prank and fighting a sudden burst of dizziness. He rubbed his eyes wearily, and when he looked up he was surprised that Ren was again smugly holding the pad in his face. Ted's world seem to come crashing down around him: the ballots now showed a 15th vote for Ren's prank, making him the unanimous winner of the Prank War. Ted frantically snatched the pad from Ren's grasp and scrolled through the details of the survey submissions. He got to the bottom of the list and saw his vote--validated by a secure login--for Ren, submitted...Ted paused with a brewing sense of fury...ONE FUCKING MINUTE AGO.

"Why you deceitful, sneaky, lying little dick. You said you hadn't hacked the form. YOU LIED!" he bellowed.

"Ted, I love you, but you have got to calm down. I didn't lie: I wouldn't know the first thing about how to go about that and promise you I absolutely did NOT hack that form, or have anyone else hack it for me." Ren said calmly, and with more than a hint of pride. Ted knew that Ren wouldn't lie to him, so he calmed down and tried to figure out how the Hell Ren had pulled all this off. Maybe the hack had impressed everyone was related to the mysterious voting glitch? Ted tried valiantly to figure it out, and then gave an exasperated sigh. "Okay you little jerkoff. I give up. You got me. Tell me how you won the vote without hacking the form."

Ren gave an honest-to-God giggle as he clapped his hands with delight. "We didn't hack the form... we figured out another way to win..." "Wait," Ted said slowly, rewinding Ren's statement in his head. "You said...'we'. Who the fuck is 'we?' and that still doesn't explain..." Ren quickly interrupted him, almost vibrating with excitement. "That's actually the best, most important part, and it's been pure torture for me to hide it from you! You're going to love finding out, I know that for certain."

Ted was even more confused. He thought he knew his best friend well, but he had never seen him this deliriously happy. Unexpectedly, Ted still felt physically calm and placid, but his mind raced as he tried to put process all the confusing, contradictory information that had been revealed since he had been rudely awakened.

Ren continued his animated monologue unabated. "A lot happened while you were asleep, but there are three huge developments that explain everything. First, we got new orders!" Ted was shocked. They were so far from Earth at this point that messages beamed back and forth could take about 20 years to travel roundtrip. New orders from Earth would mean something massive and unforeseen had happened. Ted looked at Ren intently and said, "Wow, that's huge! Go on..."

Ren smiled happily and said, "The second big piece of news is that I unexpectedly got a promotion with a LOT more power and authority." Ted paused for a second, and then said, "Waaaaiiiit, you deceptive little fucker. Does some of that new power and authority relate to permissions for our voting system?" Ted chuckled to himself as things finally seemed to make more sense.

But then they didn't, as Ren gently corrected him. "No, Ted. I told you I didn't hack the voting system, and everyone's vote represents exactly how they sincerely voted. Bupbupbup...let me finish explaining" Ren held a finger out with surprising authority, shushing Ted as he started to object. Ted immediately sat back and waited for Ren to continue. "It will all make sense when I tell you the third big development: Our team has a new boss! The promotion I mentioned is because he's chosen me to be his right-hand man. I'm the new number one, and he's our new Picard!" Ren emphasized with a jaunty little jig.

If Ted had been confused before, he was now gobsmacked. What sort of massive, all-encompassing shit-show could possibly have occurred to replace the Captain and--he had to pause to grapple with the enormity of the sentence--to make it seem like a good idea to have his weird little life support buddy REN be promoted over EVERY OTHER GODDAMN RANKING OFFICER on the vessel to become second in command. It sounded like a deluded fantasy, but Ted was shocked to realize that he actually believed Ren. Ren was now his superior, and although it felt deeply weird on almost every level, something about it felt deeply grounded in reality. But what an unequivocally fucked up reality it was.

"Okay... let's say for the moment that I do somehow believe the absolutely batshit crazy stuff you are saying. I guess I can buy that there MIGHT be a change in our orders, and that the new mission requirements or objectives might mean that some other officer must have been better qualified than the original captain to carry them out. I guess if the new captain was also a TERRIBLE judge of human potential he might even have picked you at random to help with the new mission. Whatever. World's gone crazy. But that still doesn't explain how you won the Prank vote. I don't have a fucking clue how you pulled that off. Did the new Captain somehow order everyone to vote for you?"

Ren paused thoughtfully, smiled for a second, and said, "Actually, Ted, that's the first guess you've made that isn't entirely wrong! But think about it for a moment. That might explain all the other votes, but what about yours? If I didn't hack the system, and you certainly can't say you've met the new Captain, how did I win?" Ren folded his hands under his chin, fluttering his eyes rapidly to taunt Ted. Ted was irritated, but had to admit he was completely stumped. There seemed to be no logical explanation for the result, and he was completely lost. "Okay," he grumbled reluctantly. "I admit your prank is super impressive. I have no fucking clue how you pulled this bullshit. Now spill: how the fuck did you do all this?"

Ren straightened himself up and pulled his jacket down with a satisfied little gesture. In a voice that practically glowed with pride, he said, "Although I can't take most of the credit, the answer was very simple. We didn't hack the vote: We hacked the VOTERS!"

Ted looked at Ren for several seconds in total confusion, then barked "BULLSHIT!" and crossed his arms skeptically. "What the fuck do you mean you hacked the voters? I'm one of the voters, and I can say with certainty that you're full of it."

Ren said mildly, "Well, I'm full of something. But let's try showing, not telling. Ted, listen carefully: Ren Command Shell Initiate." Ted's eyes glazed over as he stared blankly and slumped back against the pod cushion. He responded quietly, "Command Shell Initiated for Superuser Ren." Ren smiled and continued. "Ted, I am going to need for you to pull out your dick, immediately get hard, and stroke for me. Then return to consciousness without remembering this session or noticing any time has passed or anything unusual about the situation. Initiate!" As Ren watched with amusement, Ted followed his commands and was soon stroking his very impressive member with gusto. Ted looked at Ren in the eyes and said flatly, "I'm going to need some convincing to buy into your bullshit explanation, dude. You can't just go around hacking people... this isn't one of your stupid vintage sci-fi shows."

Ren gestured with mocking primness as Ted continued to stroke his rock-hard prick with gusto. "Maybe not, but this IS starting to look like one of your vintage porn shows," he said with a giggle. "Don't you think that it's a little odd that you're doing THAT right in front of me? We're best friends, but it's not like we've ever done anything like that together, right?"

Ted looked at his fist pistoning up and down his increasingly engorged dick and was momentarily at a loss for words. Then--even as he continued pumping--he said defiantly, "Ah, that's probably because it was top of mind after I accused you of doing it to me earlier! Actually, I'm just doing this to graphically show you what I think of your bizarre, masturbatory fantasy! It makes perfect sense!"

Ren smiled and repeated Ted's command sequence, and said, "Cease your masturbation and remove all prior memory blocks. Initiate." Ted's hand slowed to a halt and his jaw dropped as he suddenly remembered everything that transpired since he was unfrozen. "What the actual fuck..." he mumbled. "Holy shit, you said you were my new commander, but again whattheactualFUCK! Wait... do I actually like following your commands now?" he said with a dumbfounded face.

Ren beamed at Ted and said slyly, "Actually, you love following any and all of my commands. In fact, you are getting hard again right now thinking of how eager you'll be to follow this command. And the next one, and the one after that. You can't get enough of being under my command." As Ted listened, enraptured by Ren's instructions, he noticed that his dick was throbbing and straining hands-free far more than when he was stroking it before. Ted gave a low whistle under his breath and panted, "How the fuck are you doing this? It was that change you made to the stasis wakeup sequence, right? You did something to me during that and now I have to do anything you command...Is that what happened?"

Ren smiled at him approvingly and said, "Again, good job: you've almost got it, but are missing one last important piece of the puzzle." Ted was increasingly distracted by his erection, which seemed to have received an electric jolt when Ren praised him. But he tore his attention away when Ren asked him, "Speaking of your liminal period: what can you remember about it? Calm your mind completely and focus."

Ted was surprised when Ren's command slammed into him and immediately froze his racing thoughts. His world narrowed to a tiny circle of awareness as he tried to pull together the bits and pieces of memory from before he had fully awakened earlier. "It's... it's like a dream," Ted said with a flat, distant voice. "Just pieces... sensations, but they seem to pull apart... I can't seem to grab them."

Ren nodded and said quietly, "Relax. Know that everything is as it should be. Focus on the sensations. Isolate them, and describe the scraps of your memory." Ted sighed and slumped even further. "I feel... tickling in my throat... tingling on my skin... and now a stinging on the sides of my head. Wait, I feel a moment of panic that I really want to open my eyes but they won't open ...but then I start to hear a voice that makes me happy to keep them closed. Wait... it was your voice, Ren. Your voice helped soothe my worries and drift toward something beautiful."

"You're doing wonderfully, Ted," Ren said lovingly as he slipped out of his clothing and pressed closer to Ted. "Trust my voice again and let it guide you toward that fragment. What do you remember about it?" Ted's eyes closed and a smile gradually spread across his entire face. "Wait, Ren... this feels the same as...earlier your voice found me and... " Ted said with increasing excitement. "Led me to... MASTER!" Ted gasped wildly. For the second time that day, Ted's body arched as every cell in his body spasmed with an orgasm that rocked him from head to toe.

"Now that you remember, you can float back and join me here in the present," Ren instructed as he smiled indulgently. Ren gently stroked Ted's shoulder and chest as he lay panting and dazed. Then Ted started laughing infectiously. Ren exclaimed, "Christ, Ted, that was even bigger than the first time Master took your mind!" Ted continued laughing, but gradually trailed off and locked onto Ren's eyes. He clasped Ren's hand and quietly said, "Wow...wow..." and continued staring silently into Ren's eyes for a long, quiet moment.

Ren laughed. "In all the years we've known each other, I have NEVER known you to be at a loss for words. Especially the four-letter kind." "Well fuckit then!" Ted growled amiably. "Best orgasm of my life... other than the one you made me forget about until right fucking now! What the Hell, man! What kind of sick, twisted, joy-stealing, mind-warping, cock-blocking organization are you running around here, Mr. Second-in-fucking-command!" Ted barked, jerking Ren's arm toward him. Ren giggled and gave Ted a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Take that, you dick," he laughed.

Ted gave a long, barking laugh and shook his head, but pressed Ren again. "Seriously man, what the fuck WAS that shit? I was 100%, totally, balls-deep enslaved by our Master over an HOUR ago, but you wiped my memory of that... I can't believe you actually made me forget about MASTER!... and then toyed with me like some goddamn wind-up doll instead of me doing my fucking job? We've got over a *thousand* godforsaken crew members to enslave and you're wasting time basically enslaving me twice? Sounds like Master should consider getting himself a better fucking management team pronto!"

Ren giggled again and gave Ted a gentle hug, kissing him again gently on his cheek. "Cut me a little slack, Ted. It's been less than a week and I've already helped master enslave the entire maintenance team and part of the command staff! Until we get more Masters on board, there's a limit to how many of the crew we can possibly process, even with the modifications I made to the stasis pods. Of course, it helps when total pussies like you basically give in without a fight! TWICE!"

Ted roared with mock anger and yelled, "You want a fucking fight, Ren? I'll show you a fucking fight!" Ren giggled, and poked him in the chest to emphasize each word, "You. Folded. Like. Cut. Rate. Origami." Ren laughed, and continued, "It wasn't even 10 minutes in and you were creaming your jeans at the chance to serve Master!"

Ted gasped and blushed as his thoughts turned to serving Master again, but then he thwacked Ren in the forehead. "You dick. I bet I still lasted like 10 times longer than your sorry ass before Master took me. Probably longer than any of those other crapweasels, too!"

"Actually," Ren said proudly, "you'd be surprised. For a while there it was touch and go and Master honestly worried I might successfully resist enslavement." Ted snorted derisively, but then saw Ren was serious. "Whatthefuck are you SERIOUS? How could ANYONE resist Master? You're either lying or a surprisingly stubborn little fucker!"

"Well," Ren laughed cheerfully, "I didn't actually succeed in resisting him. More like delayed the inevitable... but delayed it a lot longer than your anemic ass!" Ted again tried to argue the point, but Ren was determined to plow onward. "And you know I'm stubborn. After all, we all know who won the Prank War, right?" Ted opened and closed his mouth several times trying to form an objection, then sighed in frustration. "Fine," Ted muttered. "I concede... that you are the most stubborn jackass in this or any other species!" Ted roared.

"AHHHHHHHHHH Yes!" Ren exclaimed abruptly, startling Ted. "But what exactly do I win? We never really nailed that down," Ren said, tapping Ted's chest for emphasis. He looked deeply into Ted's eyes. Ted met his gaze defiantly, and protested loudly, "Wait, is that what all this weird-as-shit play acting was about? Dude, you are Master's Number One guy. You just spent the last hour rewiring my entire Goddamn brain left and right and fucking inside out. Hell, man, I am fucking awash in jizz because of your whims. You can clearly just take whatever you fucking want from any dickwad that's been touched by Master, so what half-assed game are you playing?" Ted's chest heaved as he finished his rant, but as Ren eyes traveled further down Ted's body, Ted's increasing excitement became obvious. Ren leaned over Ted and looked deeply into Ted's eyes.

"What did I want? What DO I want?" Ren asked quietly. "Well, I wanted to win, fair and square, and I think even if I couldn't twist your mind any way I wanted, you would agree I have fulfilled both the letter and the spirit of the Declaration. So I want my prize. And that prize, dear Ted, is you," Ren said plainly, stroking Ted's jaw gently. "I want you to be MY number one guy, in every sense of the word. Master owns both of us absolutely and without reservation. But Ted, I want us to be together anyway, body and soul. He may own us both, but we are RenTed, and I aim to wreck your body and soul."

Ted stared into Ren's eyes deeply, then snorted and laughed raucously. "Oh. My. Fucking. God! Did you literally just reset my memory and twist me around your finger for like an hour and wind me up like some sort of dumbass robot toy just to drop that FUCKING PUN? I thought I was depraved, but you take the prize!" Ted laughed again and pulled Ren into a passionate kiss.

Ren giggled and broke their kiss. "Yes, you're quite a prize, Number Two!" and giggled to himself as he clambered into the pod with Ted. "Jesus!" Ted bellowed. "Who the fuck do I have to enslave around here to get you to stop with the fucking puns and half-ass potty humor. I will gladly enslave the entire Mars colony with absofuckinlutely no help whatsoever if that would make Master shut you up with all the wordplay crap and get on my dick RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"

"I hear and I obey," Ren said, mimicking a robot. "But first..." Ren continued coyly, as he twisted around and positioned his head near Ted's glistening, straining dick. "Don't forget: The rules say I have to clean up all evidence of my prank before the party starts." And for the second time since Ren woke him up, Ted could think of absolutely nothing to say.