Girl In Your Dreams
In Which A Lot Of VERY Heavy Shit Is Discussed (Content Warning)
by Cherry
Tags:
#cw:depression
#cw:gender_dysphoria
#D/s
#dom:female
#hypnosis
#transgender_characters
#urban_fantasy
#but_a_weird_sorta_furry
#dom:nb
#furry
#like_mostly_how_real_life_furries_are
#sub:female
#sub:male
#trans_egg
SERIOUS CW: self-hatred, heavy discussion of sexual abuse and rape culture, internalised victim-blaming, suicide mention, drug mentions, brief discussion of historical medical abuses
Heads up, this is not going to be an easy chapter. Please take appropriate self-care before, during and after reading, and skip if you're not feeling up to it.
HypnospacePsychonaut: Gotta be real with you Lucas that was not exactly the response I was expectingAlternianDidact: Why have you wasted so much time on me?AlternianDidact: When you knew there was nothing really wrong with me.AlternianDidact: I was never worthy of your care and attention.HypnospacePsychonaut: Lucas excuse me but what the fuck are you talking aboutAlternianDidact: You're a good person and you should be using your gifts to help people who actually matter.HypnospacePsychonaut: You actually matterAlternianDidact: No I don't! I'm just a waster from London who fucked up his life!AlternianDidact: I didn't need your pity! I didn't even deserve it!
Snot-streaked, puffy-eyed, breathing erratically, bawling like a child, Lucas was glad his parents were already asleep because otherwise they'd have heard him crying and then they'd come and ask why and how could he even begin to explain to them what was wrong? Where would he even start? How could he even begin to unpack the vast, hollow grief he felt at the wreckage of his life? Then they'd look at him and they'd pity him and no doubt they'd think about what a waste the past thirty years of their lives had been, about how their son could've been someone better.
AlternianDidact: Do you have any idea how terrified I was of actually talking about my past?AlternianDidact: You'd know I was some pathetic loser whining about nothing at all!AlternianDidact: All things considered, I've had a stupidly comfortable life!AlternianDidact: There's no reason I should be upset at all!AlternianDidact: I've had mutuals on Rollr and Tumult that ended up homeless because they were gay, or got hooked on drugs or were sexually abused or got cancer or can't walk!AlternianDidact: I got bullied a little and dropped out of school but my parents still love and support me, so what?! What was actually wrong?!AlternianDidact: You've been spending all this time trying to cheer me up!AlternianDidact: I thought you must've been operating under the impression that I'm actually fucked up in some way that really mattered!AlternianDidact: And I was too cowardly to tell you it's bullshit!
What a goddamn fraud he felt like, what an unbearable counterfeit! And look where it had gotten him - instead of just being truthful with her, instead of telling her that his problems meant nothing and that he didn't need or deserve her help, he'd wasted this wonderful and unique woman's time to the point that she felt like she had done something wrong! God, what a fucking piece of shit!
HypnospacePsychonaut: suffering is NOT a competition lucas!HypnospacePsychonaut: you don't need to suffer as much as a homeless heroin addict to be worthy of compassionHypnospacePsychonaut: or to say "i suffered and experienced pain"HypnospacePsychonaut: your pain is still meaningful and worthy of healing!AlternianDidact: But it feels like my pain is trivial compared to theirs.HypnospacePsychonaut: YOUR PAIN IS NOT TRIVIAL TO YOU!!!HypnospacePsychonaut: ugh sorry i didn't mean to shout but what did i tell you about self-talk!HypnospacePsychonaut: we don't need to compare every part of everyone's sufferingHypnospacePsychonaut: like in terms of which of you specifically needs narcan and an apartment the most yeah probably it's themHypnospacePsychonaut: but in terms of who needs compassionate and reaffirming emotional support, spoiler alert, it's both of you equally!
Myrrah let out a sigh of frustration and balled one of her hands into a fist so tight one of her nails drew blood. Gods below, why did the world make it so fucking hard for people to value themselves?!
AlternianDidact: You're a wonderful and unique person with an amazing power.AlternianDidact: You shouldn't be wasting it on me!HypnospacePsychonaut: Stop acting like your life is of no value!AlternianDidact: Myrrah, there's no danger! There's absolutely no danger at all! Even when I overcome the fear of death long enough to want to die, I've never even been able to make myself try!AlternianDidact: There's nothing to help me with!HypnospacePsychonaut: In what way is "I haven't yet found the determination to kill myself" NOT the statement of someone who needs help Lucas?!AlternianDidact: I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP!
In his mind's eye, Lucas was throwing things around his room, breaking his expensive computer, destroying childhood toys and ripping pages out of beloved books, tearing the accumulated debris of his life to shreds. In reality, his fingers just flew to the Caps Lock and typed something angry-sounding. Coward, his intrusive thoughts sneered at him, you can't even commit to self-destruction. It'd be a half-finished project, just like everything else you've ever done.
HypnospacePsychonaut: Then tell me to leaveHypnospacePsychonaut: I've already violated your personal sovereignty onceHypnospacePsychonaut: If you want me gone, I will go. I will always respect your desiresHypnospacePsychonaut: I owe that to youHypnospacePsychonaut: But I want you to say itHypnospacePsychonaut: I want you to actually tell me to leave
Why the fuck did I say that?! Myrrah slapped her forehead and fought back tears. Please, gods, be a stubborn piece of shit, Lucas! Call my bluff! I didn't mean it!
AlternianDidact: Stop apologizing for that, you didn't do anything wrong.HypnospacePsychonaut: Oh but I didHypnospacePsychonaut: And I came here expecting you to hate me for itHypnospacePsychonaut: Not for you to use it as another excuse to hate on yourselfHypnospacePsychonaut: And stop dodging around itHypnospacePsychonaut: Do you actually want me to leave?
Yes, Lucas thought, yes! He should tell her to go! He should tell her to leave! She could be free of him! She should be free of him! He shouldn't weigh her down any longer! He should let her go on to better things, to use her power to help better people, people who actually wanted to be saved, people who actually deserved to be saved! He would be miserable! He would be miserable the whole rest of his life, but he resolved to be solitary! At least he wouldn't bring anyone else down with him!
Yes, he was going to tell her to leave! He was going to tell her to leave, right now!
AlternianDidact is typing......AlternianDidact is typing......AlternianDidact is typing...AlternianDidact: please don't go
Pathetic. He couldn't even cut people loose when he was drowning. He had to drag them down with him, didn't he?
HypnospacePsychonaut: lucas you keep asking what makes your pain special and deserving of reliefHypnospacePsychonaut: as if any pain is not deserving of reliefHypnospacePsychonaut: so turn it on its head, what makes your pain special in that it is NOT deserving of relief?HypnospacePsychonaut: okay let's say for a minute you're rightHypnospacePsychonaut: let's say your pain IS the most trivial pain everHypnospacePsychonaut: it's the emotional equivalent of mild toothacheHypnospacePsychonaut: what do you do if you have toothacheHypnospacePsychonaut: you take some fucking tylenolHypnospacePsychonaut: are you gonna deny yourself fucking tylenol because someone somewhere is experiencing cancer pain?HypnospacePsychonaut: no that's fucking stupidHypnospacePsychonaut: you don't even prescribe tylenol for cancer pain anywayHypnospacePsychonaut: you're not stealing some limited resource from cancer pain sufferers to fix your toothacheHypnospacePsychonaut: and no matter what mother theresa says there is nothing fucking holy about enduring agony
Lucas snapped to attention, the tears ceasing for a moment.
AlternianDidact: Wait, Mother Theresa said that?HypnospacePsychonaut: yeah bitch is like THE biggest beneficiary of revisionist history everHypnospacePsychonaut: her clinics denied dying cancer patients access to painkillers because their suffering made them holier???AlternianDidact: That's absurdly fucked up!HypnospacePsychonaut: right???!
Despite everything, Lucas snorted, letting out the smallest of chuckles. He took a glance around his room, and everything seemed just a shade less grey.
AlternianDidact: Sorry that one just threw me for a loop.AlternianDidact: I just had to take a minute.AlternianDidact: Why do I feel less upset now?HypnospacePsychonaut: Lucas if you ever deal with people in crisisHypnospacePsychonaut: you will learn it sometimes helps to have a stock of absolutely batshit factsHypnospacePsychonaut: one very reliable way to snap someone out of a self-hatred spiral is to make them go "lmao what the fuck?!!"HypnospacePsychonaut: but that one is particularly useful in this contextHypnospacePsychonaut: as i feel like it highlights just how fucking stupid the enobling power of suffering is as an ideaHypnospacePsychonaut: if i was a terminal cancer patient in her clinic i'd be like bitch i don't CARE if i go to hell my BONES are exploding get me some freakin oxyHypnospacePsychonaut: AND ALSOHypnospacePsychonaut: what sort of fucked up god demands i endure pain to prove i love him enough to not go to the infinite torture basementHypnospacePsychonaut: seems kinda sus tbh 0/10 would not worship
He was laughing. Goddamnit, he was laughing! And then he had a thought, a thought like wait a minute, did she just say...
AlternianDidact: Aren't you literally a dominatrix with a torture basement who demands worship and demonstrates love through pain? :PHypnospacePsychonaut: ... Lucas I am so glad that you are feeling well enough to joke that I will even let you get away with MERCILESSLY CALLING ME OUT like this
She was laughing. Goddamnit, she was laughing!
HypnospacePsychonaut: I know it's difficult to internalize feelings on some things even if you know they're trueHypnospacePsychonaut: people misuse and misunderstand the word "privilege" so muchHypnospacePsychonaut: you have a comfy house and nice parents and don't need to work for a living and that DOES exclude you from certain TYPES of miseryHypnospacePsychonaut: but not ALL POSSIBLE miseriesHypnospacePsychonaut: You feel like your pain is miniscule compared to some hypothetical human tragedy, and yeah maybe in some way it is?
HypnospacePsychonaut: But you don't have to live with the pain of that hypothetical human tragedy
HypnospacePsychonaut: YOU have to live with YOUR actual pain
HypnospacePsychonaut: and it's clearly not insignificant to you, and telling yourself that it is is just making it worseHypnospacePsychonaut: denying yourself care and healing because someone else MIGHT THEORETICALLY need it more than you isn't noble or righteousHypnospacePsychonaut: it's a fancy justification for self-harmHypnospacePsychonaut: and no matter how big or small you think your pain isHypnospacePsychonaut: i care about you and i don't want you to be in painAlternianDidact is typing......AlternianDidact: I think I needed someone to tell me that. Thank you.AlternianDidact is typing......
Gods below, she wished he was here right now, or at least that they were dreaming together, so she could hug the poor boy.
HypnospacePsychonaut: I still need to apologize for violating your boundaries.AlternianDidact: I don't think you have anything to apologise for.AlternianDidact: You didn't have a choice in the matter.AlternianDidact: You were trapped in my head.HypnospacePsychonaut: But I should've told you immediately.AlternianDidact: Well look at how I reactedAlternianDidact: You were right not toHypnospacePsychonaut: No stop it. You're doing it againHypnospacePsychonaut: The whole "always assuming all things are your fault" thingHypnospacePsychonaut: I didn't have a right to withhold from you that I knew more than you thought I didHypnospacePsychonaut: Or that things had gone on that involved you but which you didn't know about
Lucas thought about the past three weeks, the green cubes and the coffee mugs, the dozen recurring nightmares that he was slowly learning to tame.
AlternianDidact: Even if you had done anything wrong, you did so much for me afterwardsHypnospacePsychonaut: If I break your nose and then do your taxes and clean your entire house and cook your favorite meal every night for six weeks I still broke your noseHypnospacePsychonaut: Your broken nose doesn't vanish cause I did all thatAlternianDidact: If you really are determined to help me, you have a much better understanding of me. You've seen what I've been through.HypnospacePsychonaut: Information I could and should've gotten from you on your terms with your consent as you were ready to share itAlternianDidact: But I probably wouldn't haveHypnospacePsychonaut: Okay but that should have been your choice to makeHypnospacePsychonaut: People don't have a retrospective right to do something just because later information reveals it was justifiedHypnospacePsychonaut: I can't just punch a random guy and then be like "oh well it's fine actually, we discovered how MAD horny he gets from having the snot kicked out of him"HypnospacePsychonaut: that's fucking assault lmaoHypnospacePsychonaut: i didn't help some dude discover his pugilism fetish, i assaulted a poor bitchAlternianDidact: But it's not like that at all. You didn't do it on purpose.HypnospacePsychonaut: Bruh if I accidentally elbow that hypothetical dude in the face I still gotta apologise even if he got off on itHypnospacePsychonaut: That shit's just basic decency
Lucas' brow furrowed, and he thought for a second before formulating his response. This didn't feel quite right to him.
AlternianDidact: Wait, so I'm entitled - and encouraged - to decide that my suffering is valid, but I'm not allowed to decide you didn't do anything wrong?HypnospacePsychonaut: Lucas sorry to put it bluntly but this is the one, specific, singular thing in this whole conversation that isn't just about youHypnospacePsychonaut: It IS about you but it's also about my responsibilities to you as an independent and sovereign personHypnospacePsychonaut: You don't have to ACCEPT my apology if you don't feel there was anything to apologize forHypnospacePsychonaut: But I still have to GIVE itHypnospacePsychonaut: It's justHypnospacePsychonaut: How to explainHypnospacePsychonaut: Listen, can I tell you something insanely fucked up that once happened to meHypnospacePsychonaut: You didn't get a choice in having to trust me with all your darkest momentsHypnospacePsychonaut: I want to trust you with one of mineAlternianDidact: Only if you're comfortable.
Myrrah looked to the side, taking a deep breath, in through the nose, held for five seconds, out through the mouth. "I am the captain of my ship."
HypnospacePsychonaut: Hoo fuckHypnospacePsychonaut: This is one hell of an ask I realizeHypnospacePsychonaut: But before i explain it I gotta check if you're okay talking about sexual assaultHypnospacePsychonaut: That it's not triggering for you to talk aboutAlternianDidact: It's not something I enjoy talking about but it's not going to send me spiralling.AlternianDidact: You can tell me what you need to tell me.
In through the nose, hold for five seconds, out through the mouth. "I am the captain of my ship." Myrrah didn't think about this memory often, largely because most of the time she'd moved past it. But once in a while it would resurface; this was a rare occasion where she was letting it play out in her mind on purpose.
HypnospacePsychonaut: Back when I was 25 I was in this underground kink club in ChicagoHypnospacePsychonaut: literally underground, it was this shitty pre-great-fire basement turned into an honestly 3/10 dungeonHypnospacePsychonaut: But i was horny and stuck in chicago for a week for reasons so what the fuck else was I gonna doHypnospacePsychonaut: And like, I was in a collar and harness and shitHypnospacePsychonaut: Because I look fuckin hot like thatHypnospacePsychonaut: and i was four drinks deepHypnospacePsychonaut: and we're not talking weak shit, we're talking jagerbombs, club myrrah goes H A R DHypnospacePsychonaut: and i'm talking with these two relatively hot dudes i might wanna get dirty withHypnospacePsychonaut: when this fucking absolute random encounter comes top speed out of the toiletsHypnospacePsychonaut: and grabs me by my collar
An image flashed in her mind's eye. Though mostly bald, he couldn't have been that old; even his beard didn't add that much maturity to his face. He was shorter than her by at least a head. His chest was bare aside from the X-harness he was wearing, and she didn't see that much muscle. He had a harsh voice, but the way he spoke smacked of trying too hard. All in all, not the sort of man she figured she'd ever get pushed around by.
And yet.
HypnospacePsychonaut: so in this shitty makeshift victorian piss dungeon there were these little side roomsHypnospacePsychonaut: where people could go off and just fuck filthy style, let's not sugar coat itHypnospacePsychonaut: and one of them had this set of wooden neck-and-wrist stocks hanging from the ceiling to which he drags meHypnospacePsychonaut: and i'm like hmmm cool cool cool didn't ask him to do any of this and he sure didn't ask me if i wanted itHypnospacePsychonaut: but that thought is occurring while the padlock clicks shutHypnospacePsychonaut: and the music is really loud in the main room outsideHypnospacePsychonaut: so what even is the point of saying no or calling for helpHypnospacePsychonaut: and so i say nothingHypnospacePsychonaut: let's just see where this goes?HypnospacePsychonaut: and then he puts his nails to my skin
As if in response, her back began to itch. It was torture. She had to rub her back against the wall, because she simply could not put her fingers or nails against her flesh right now. Not like this. Not when she was reliving this moment.
HypnospacePsychonaut: you gotta understand i fucking LOVE being scratched, that shit is my JAMHypnospacePsychonaut: and it felt... good, like fuck he was rough and didn't seem to care a bit what i was feelingHypnospacePsychonaut: and it was kinda exciting, in a way? at the timeHypnospacePsychonaut: like fuck really no backing out of this, doesn't seem like the guy who'd respect a safewordHypnospacePsychonaut: just gotta kinda see how far he'll goHypnospacePsychonaut: and when he bit me fuck it was such an adrenaline rushHypnospacePsychonaut: god i love being bitten holy fuckHypnospacePsychonaut: he bit me again and again and againHypnospacePsychonaut: until i was almost screamingHypnospacePsychonaut: and then he grabbed my cock
I am the captain of my ship. I am the captain of my ship. I am the captain of my ship. I am the captain of my ship. I am the captain of my ship.
HypnospacePsychonaut: i came in under a minuteHypnospacePsychonaut: like it was no joke one of the most intense and exhilarating sexual experiences of my lifeHypnospacePsychonaut: and he seemed... pleased with himself, for being able to get that reaction from meHypnospacePsychonaut: like he'd done a spectacular job, like i should be thankfulHypnospacePsychonaut: and i was four jaegerbombs into the zone and i'd just painted the opposite wall a new shade of whiteHypnospacePsychonaut: so i said thank youHypnospacePsychonaut: and then he just kinda like, literally left me hanging thereHypnospacePsychonaut: it took fifteen minutes for someone to come into the room and let me out
She only knew it had been fifteen minutes because somebody told her how long they'd been waiting to use the room. She could remember that she hadn't blacked out - she'd experienced those fifteen minutes at the time, but in the years since the event, the memories of what had actually gone through her mind while alone in the side room had blurred. In a way, that was a mercy; she never liked being alone with her own thoughts even on the best of days.
HypnospacePsychonaut: it was only afterwards that i started to feel dirty, like i'd been usedHypnospacePsychonaut: who the fuck was that dude? I never even got a name from himHypnospacePsychonaut: he only spoke to me to tell me what to do and what i "deserved"HypnospacePsychonaut: i never asked for what he did to me, even if none of it was outside my personal limitsHypnospacePsychonaut: we hadn't even interacted the whole night, he'd just ambushed meHypnospacePsychonaut: would he have stopped if i'd told him to stop? maybe, maybe notHypnospacePsychonaut: but why didn't i even try? why didn't i tell him no?HypnospacePsychonaut: and if i never said no, did that somehow mean i'd consented by default?HypnospacePsychonaut: and simple fact is, at that point in my life, few other people had made me cum quite that hardHypnospacePsychonaut: so shouldn't i be thankful? hadn't he done me a favor?HypnospacePsychonaut: i mean like HE didn't cum, HE didn't get off, he seemed to be entirely focused on me and the sensations i was experiencingHypnospacePsychonaut: so wasn't he obviously focused on my enjoyment of the experience?HypnospacePsychonaut: was i a sexual abuse victim or was i just ungrateful?
Again, Myrrah's nails bit into her palm. When she typed her next message, she did it slowly, with grave purpose.
HypnospacePsychonaut: the actual answer of course is that he was a fucking piece of shit rapist
A cold chill of sudden, unwelcome understanding crawled underneath Lucas' skin.
AlternianDidact: Oh god. I think I understand now.AlternianDidact: This is why you needed to apologise so badly.AlternianDidact: You felt like him, and my response made you feel like I was reacting the same way you did.HypnospacePsychonaut: YeahAlternianDidact: But you're not like him. You're one of the kindest and most respectful people I've ever met.AlternianDidact: And I know for a fact that if you'd had any way to stop seeing my memories you would've.HypnospacePsychonaut: damn which one of us was supposed to be providing emotional support to who again X3AlternianDidact: It's a two-way street, isn't it?AlternianDidact: You can't just do all the work dealing with my issues and expecting nothing in return.
Lucas had been smiling gently at the thought of being able to console Myrrah for a change, but it was suddenly struck from his face as a thought entered his brain. The thought. The one, terrible thought that joined a lot of these dots together.
AlternianDidact: How much did you see?HypnospacePsychonaut: A lot. Like A LOT a lot.AlternianDidact: Can we talk about some of it?HypnospacePsychonaut: Whatever you want.
It took Lucas almost five minutes to type just six words.
AlternianDidact: Did it happen to me, too?
Separated by an ocean, Lucas and Myrrah involuntarily flashed back to the same event - he having lived through it, and she having unwillingly relived it. As with many traumatic or unresolved memories, this one viewed its subject from a third-person perspective, as if they were a passive observer trapped outside their own body watching what was happening to them. This was exascerbated by the fact that Lucas had no visual memory of the original event, and so his brain had obviously been forced to construct some in order to make sense of what had happened. It was even more confusing because it still came with other sensations that were experienced from his own body: the tight, comfortable pressure of the leather cuffs around his wrists, the slight chill of the air on his naked skin, the feeling of the sheets against his back, his own grunts and moans, and they felt disjointed because of the viewpoint. Strangely enough, though the sensation that thrusting was happening dominated the scene, it had no actual physical sense memory associated with it at all. Perhaps, both of them thought, that was a mercy.
HypnospacePsychonaut: Lucas, you were blindfolded, you thought the dude was someone else and he never bothered to correct youAlternianDidact: But I enjoyed it. It didn't feel traumatic.HypnospacePsychonaut: It's not NOT rape just because you enjoyed it! You didn't say yes!HypnospacePsychonaut: The skeevy piece of shit just assumed because you were tied up and in a hood you were open seasonAlternianDidact: But that was kind of the fantasy. The helplessness of it. Didn't I get exactly what I asked for?HypnospacePsychonaut: NO!HypnospacePsychonaut: Lucas!HypnospacePsychonaut: Sex, ESPECIALLY kinky sex, requires affirmative consent!HypnospacePsychonaut: Would you have consented if you had known who it was?AlternianDidact: I don't know. I didn't like him. I wasn't attracted to him.AlternianDidact: I didn't feel great about him being at the party. He was kind of a problem case in general.AlternianDidact: But I can't help asking myself in retrospect if part of me knew it was him, and did nothing to stop it.AlternianDidact: Or whether, if I'd know it was him before it started, would I actually have said no?HypnospacePsychonaut: Yes or no: did you ever tell him, at any point - during the night or at any point in the past - that he was allowed to put his dick in you?AlternianDidact: No.HypnospacePsychonaut: Then that's rape! He fucked you without receiving your consent!HypnospacePsychonaut: It 100% does not matter if MAYBE you woulda said yes to some guilty-pleasure sex with the local missing stairHypnospacePsychonaut: BECAUSE HE DIDN'T FUCKING ASK YOUHypnospacePsychonaut: No amount of "did I know it was him" or "would I actually have said no" or "did I intentionally put myself in a vulnerable position" makes YOU responsible for that
Myrrah paused for a moment, finally able to bring herself to scratch her back. She couldn't feel good about it right now, not after what she'd just relived, but it at least felt necessary.
HypnospacePsychonaut: If you'd said yes then maybe you'd have regretted it later but THAT would have been a choice you made and had to live with the consequences ofHypnospacePsychonaut: Gross skeever sex regret would've been your burden to bear, but also no biggie, we've all done things and people we wish we hadn'tHypnospacePsychonaut: But you never got the chance to make that choice for yourself, HE TOOK THAT FROM YOUHypnospacePsychonaut: (honestly the host also bears responsibility? he shouldn't have left you unattended???)HypnospacePsychonaut: This is the problem with society's conceptualization of rape and sexual abuseHypnospacePsychonaut: People think it's all screaming and blood and ER visits and fully clothed showers and thousand-yard staresHypnospacePsychonaut: Or drugs slipped in drinksHypnospacePsychonaut: But the fucked up reality is people can get raped and not even REALIZE until afterwardsHypnospacePsychonaut: How could they have been raped? it didn't look like how rape on TV looksHypnospacePsychonaut: And even when they do they blame themselves, like "was it my fault actually, was i asking for it, why didn't I say no"
A thought that had bounced around Lucas' mind in the decade since the event was dredged back up.
AlternianDidact: You know what the most fucked up thing is?AlternianDidact: I'm pretty sure he didn't even act with malice. I don't think he set out with the intent to violate or disgrace me.AlternianDidact: He was just thoughtless.HypnospacePsychonaut: That doesn't make it NOT abuse!HypnospacePsychonaut: In some ways it's WORSE because it shows just how little our society bothers to teach people about consentHypnospacePsychonaut: He shouldn't have fucked you without asking and he doesn't get to use ANYTHING you did or didn't do as an excuse for thatHypnospacePsychonaut: You're not stealing valor from other sexual abuse survivors by calling what happened to you rapeHypnospacePsychonaut: You have the right to count yourself among them
Lucas was tearing up again, but it wasn't misery this time. He felt like he could actually breathe, like this was the first gasp of air entering his lungs in way too long.
AlternianDidact: Fuck, Myrrah.AlternianDidact: You're so good at this.AlternianDidact: Thank you.HypnospacePsychonaut: I've had a lot of practiceHypnospacePsychonaut: You deserve to know that your problems are meaningful and your pain is valid and not something you have to minimize or be ashamed ofHypnospacePsychonaut: You are a good person LucasHypnospacePsychonaut: And so long as you're okay with it, I want to be your friend, and I would cherish your friendshipAlternianDidact: I would very much like that.HypnospacePsychonaut: This was an extremely heavy conversation and I now need to go hug my ratwife and probably cry a whole bunch like a giant wussy babyHypnospacePsychonaut: BUTHypnospacePsychonaut: We will talk again soon, I promiseHypnospacePsychonaut: Is there anything you need to say before I go?AlternianDidact is typing......AlternianDidact: No.AlternianDidact is typing......AlternianDidact is typing......
I struggled for an hour over how to write this afterword. A pithy little quip didn't seem at all appropriate to the gravity of the topics being discussed here.
I myself am a two-time sexual abuse survivor, and both incidents were similar to the ones Myrrah and Lucas described to each other. Violation of consent doesn't always take obvious and unambiguous forms, and it can result in varying amounts of trauma and distress for those upon whom it's inflicted; sometimes the response is so muted that we don't realise for days, weeks or even years what actually happened to us. Worse, perpetrators might not even fully realise what they're doing; they might think they're giving someone an experience they're too afraid to ask for themselves, or that a person was consenting by dint of their situation. This isn't in any way an excuse for their behaviour; in fact, it's a further condemnation of how little thought they actually give to the people they act upon.
Recently, I came back to a kinkfic I had enjoyed a long time ago and discovered I'd either never noticed or forgotten that one of the characters says to another, verbatim, "it's only rape if you don't want it." I found it impossible to enjoy anything else about that fic afterwards, simply because:
1. that's just kind of a fucked up thing to say in what was otherwise a pretty fun, light-hearted fic
2. it's "not technically wrong" in just about the least helpful way imaginable. Yes, that is technically how consent works, but it's putting the onus on the receiver to say they don't want something, rather than upon the giver to determine whether the recipient wants it.
It's not the only fic I've seen recently that discusses or treats consent in a way that makes me uncomfortable, but instead of just getting mad and whining at them, I decided to write a fic that has the discussions and takes on kink that I want to see.