That fucking hallway again.

Near the edges of Lily's vision, the lines of the walls meeting the ceiling and the floor curved at absurd angles, almost like she was viewing the scene through a prism. It was cold in the room, and the chill on her skin made her muscles reluctant to move.  Her temples were itching more than they ever had, and she reached up to feel at the thing that was on her head.  To her surprise, her fingers were able to feel it this time around. Some sort of branch, wrapping around the back of her head? She could feel the leaves, long and pointy and thick. She plucked one and felt a pinch as she did.

She was trying to look at the leaf more closely while walking down the hallway.  Her gait was abnormally slow, like moving through toffee.  On some level, she'd been in this dream enough to know she needed to be leaving, but it was like the notion simply wasn't making it to her legs. The dread simply mounted in her heart, in parallel with the feeling of utter detachment. She was holding the leaf up to her face and it managed to take up her entire field of vision, dark green and oblong. Lily recognized it as laurel from its bright, slightly spicy scent.

It wasn't just that her legs were slow to move, she realized. There was more laurel growing from the cracks in the white tile floor, wrapping around her legs and making it impossible for her to move.  As she struggled to pull herself free, the branches only seemed to grow taller, up to and around her hips. 

She tried to call out. The only sound that emerged was a moan...that very same dreaded moan.

She awoke with a gasp, her heartbeat the only audible sound in the stillness of her room. The alarm clock read 7:29am. She realized she was shivering; the sheets were damp with cold sweat.

Her face was hot. She briefly wondered if she should check her temperature for a fever. She could feel a different dampness between her legs, though she tried to ignore that fact.  The dream had been alarming enough without stopping to analyze what her bodily reactions to it could mean. In an attempt to distract herself, she checked her phone.  A few job search-related emails and three ignored texts received from Milo the night before. She stared at the screen, biting the inside of her lip. 

It was starting to feel like running on fumes, this being pulled along by whatever urges her body produced. She functioned fine so long as she didn't stop to think too hard about it. Her body and mind just went through the motions, with Lily a mere passenger viewing the unfolding days. But to actually engage in what was going on? Make decisions? It was starting to feel even more difficult than when she was in the depths of depression. Texting with Milo, in particular, was starting to feel unbearable, and not because he had grown any less lovely. When she saw him in person, the subtext of actions she was expected to execute seemed to carry her effortlessly. Text messages, on the other hand, just floated in the ether, and her brain could not pick up on any other instructions than "respond with something within a reasonable timeframe." The lack of clarity and the discomfort it engendered was enough to reinforce her habit of avoiding them altogether.

She flipped through the last two weeks in her calendar app, trying to get a sense of where the time went. She noticed no less than three new Within sessions booked in her calendar over this time period, and could not remember a single one of them. There were flashes of memory here and there, of the beige carpet in the treatment room, a glimpse of John sporting a fresh haircut, a flickering neon in the basement hallway, but nothing substantial enough to resolve how any of those days had unfolded. They all just blurred together, amorphous, in her head.  She couldn't even recall if she had felt mortified when she came in for the next treatment after the one she’d left in such a hurry.

She flipped over to the coming weeks.  There were two pending calendar invites from Mitski, one for that evening, one titled "BEER!🍻" and another on a week-end three weeks away named "Cabin week-end 🏠🌊 (TENTATIVE)".  Apparently she had accepted both invitations, and Q had as well.  In another life, the realization she had a social event that she had forgotten about that night would have sent her into an anxiety spiral, but not anymore. She knew she would end up at the right place at the right time without really needing to try - or rather, she needed to make sure to try as little as possible, and her body would carry her to where she needed to be.

The bar was reasonably quiet that night. Mitski and Lily had arrived first and been seated at a table where they ordered their beers and made idle chatter.

Q arrived a few minutes later, draping a black puffer jacket over the back of the third seat at the table. "Hello hello!" they exclaimed to Lily and Mitski, then nodded to a waiter passing by. "Can I have the same thing they're having?"

Mitski all but squealed in delight at the reunion. She waited for Q to sit down and, placing a hand on their knee, smiled and asked, "How've you been, babes?"

Q smiled back, rounded cheeks pushing the bottom of their thick-rimmed glasses up. The temperature change from the outside cold to the warmth of the room had completely fogged them up, except for a tiny circle in the center, where the lenses were thinnest. "Oh, you know. The usual.  How 'bout you?"

"So happy to be here with you two. Ugh! I missed you!" cooed Mitski.

The waiter returned with a pint of beer.

"And one for the gentleman," he said, setting it down in front of Q.

"Gentleperson," corrected Mitski, but he had already left.  She looked at Q, who seemed entirely unbothered by this occurrence, instead absorbed in wiping the fog from their glasses.

Try as she might to follow the conversation, Lily's attention kept drifting away from the dialogue between her two friends. It happened more and more often these days, full conversations unfolding below her perception, leaving only vague memories of some of the components of those conversations: tones of voice, gestures, facial expressions. Up until then, these occurrences had been limited to moments Lily herself deemed unimportant, like small talk with a grocery store cashier, or waiting for an ad to finish playing before watching an online video. But this was a conversation between two of her closest friends. A faint, tiny feeling of alarm wriggled in a distant part of her at the thought that her mind would flag this moment as unimportant.

"Lily's been doing some weird high tech therapy shit."

She blinked at the sound of her name. The moment narrowed back into focus.  Q was looking at her with an inquisitive expression.

"Uh, yeah. It's a clinical trial at the Laboratories?  For my anxiety and depression and stuff."

Q nodded pensively. "That sounds exciting. How's it been?"

Lily searched for the right words. "It's been...weird, man. Just really weird. It's just a lot of changes in very little time."

"Is that the device they were trying out in PTSD patients a couple years back? The weird metal U crown thing? I can't remember what dumb name they ended up choosing for it. "

"Within?"

"Yes! Oh my god. The Within. I was talking about it with my biotech buddies the other day. It seems pretty promising. You're noticing changes?"

"Yeah. The best changes I've noticed have been in my productivity. I've been able to wake up at a regular time and search for a job and go to interviews and do decently, which has been motivating." Lily opted against telling Q about the...physical effects the treatment was having.  She smiled and hoped the discomfort she could feel didn't show in her face.

Q looked at Lily, waiting for a brief moment before smiling. "That's great. You deserve to feel better. Mental health is everything."

"That's not the only thing she's been able to do since she started," added Mitski, eyes wide and smiling.

"What? Oh. Yeah. I've been dating one of Mitski's coworkers.  He's really nice. It's going well."

Mitski shook her head. "They've been seeing each other for like...what, a couple months now?"

Lily counted the weeks in her head. "Yeah, it'll be two months...Friday? Wow."

Q's expression was hard to decipher.  A faint smile, a look of curiosity, maybe. They laughed as they spoke up: "I don't think I've seen you date anyone for more than a few weeks before. You must be really thirsty for this guy."

Mitski started laughing. There was a twinge in Lily's throat. She sipped her beer.

"You have no idea how thirsty she's bee--ow!" Mitski winced as Lily kicked her in the shin beneath the table. Lily smiled innocently.

"He's nice," she confirmed, then drained the rest of her glass. Q raised an eyebrow at that.

"Last time I saw you down a beer like that was in college and then you spent two hours drunkenly telling me about Greek myths."

Lily laughed. "I don't know why I drank that fast, I was just thirsty. Like, actually thirsty. But uh...yeah that was a lot of beer in not a lot of time. I think I'm not thirsty anymore." She couldn't tell if she was babbling because of the sudden onset of nerves, or the alcohol loosening her lips, or a mixture of both. She stopped the waiter as he passed their table and asked for a glass of water.

Q wasn't saying anything, but Lily could see a familiar expression on their face. The gears were turning. Mitski was also quiet, apparently unsure of what to say. The silence was starting to build uncomfortably. Finally, she opted to change the subject.

"So!  My parents finally agreed to lend us the cottage for the last week-end in February. You have both received the invite and accepted it, and for that I thank you kindly! I know it's cold and gross these days, but the winter out by the shore is so pretty, and we can curl up by the fire and play games and just go full hygge." Mitski's eyes sparkled as she described her vision.

Lily nodded along with Mitski as she spoke, sipping from her glass of water.

"Always so pretty by the shore," echoed Q. "All that water, those waves and salty air in the cold - I love it."

Lily was mid-gulp when she looked up to find Q looking at her intently. She decided not to acknowledge it. She looked to Mitski. "I'm down for cottage, but only if we get to make s'mores."

"Get to make s'mores? Lils, we are contractually obligated to make s'mores," giggled Mitski.

"Plus, isn't the weather milder out there? Usually large bodies of water temper the climate a little bit. Would be a nice change from this icicle of a city," added Q.

Lily looked up from her glass, which was now two-thirds empty, to find Q looking at her again. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

Mitski seemed oblivious to the unpleasant tension between Q and Lily. "It definitely is milder out there. And peaceful. I just think it'll be nice for us all to spend time together and recharge, y'know? We work hard. We need some time to rest!"

"Totally," agreed Q. "So how do you wanna do this? I can drive. We could split the groceries.  I work right by that fancy new liquor store, I'd be happy to pick out some nice things for us to drink."

Mitski looked like she could burst with joy. "Ooh, good idea! Lily, what do you think?"

Lily was staring down at her glass. There was a single drop of water left in it, and it rolled along the bottom as she tilted it back and forth. "Splitting groceries sounds good," she agreed.

"Amazing! Sounds like a plan, friends. I am so excited for this, I think I might not even be able to sleep until then." Mitski gestured to the waiter to bring the check.

They parted ways shortly after that, Mitski heading in one direction and Q and Lily walking to the subway station together. The walk was uncomfortable on two levels: one, they barely spoke, and two, with all the liquid she'd drank, Lily really wished she had gone to the bathroom before leaving the bar. She had been so preoccupied with how anxious she'd gotten in the last leg of that conversation - without being able to pinpoint exactly why - she'd become fixated on getting home as quickly as she could.

But Q and her were headed in the same direction for a few stations, so she had to hide her discomfort for a little bit still.  She stared at the ground of the subway station as they waited for the next train to arrive.

At some point, Q leaned in towards Lily.  They spoke quietly, seemingly so as not to be overheard by other people in the station. "Lily, I don't mean to pry, but I think the answer to this question is important. Since you started your treatment, have you done anything you wouldn't otherwise want to do?"

A pit somehow formed in her stomach despite the liquid sloshing inside it.  Nervous laughter bubbled up to the surface. "I mean, how can you really tell what you want, y'know? For a long time I was so depressed I didn't want anything at all, so I'm not sure. "

She hiccoughed. Q was searching her face for an answer she was not sure she could access herself.  She looked back at the floor.

"Hey, so listen. I'm really sorry at how crap I've been at keeping in touch. You deserve better than that." Only after she'd ended the sentence could she bear to look back at them again.

Q nodded and smiled, a small smile that seemed more sad than happy. They looked at her, seemingly searching for what to say.  When they finally did speak up, they did so slowly, like they were weighing each word after it was pronounced.

"I am all for whatever will make you feel good in your own skin. And... You know these treatments are experimental right? And they don't always work like intended?"

She was starting to feel her wheels spinning. "I mean, yeah. In rare cases. But it's helping, right? Like two months ago I couldn't do all this job stuff."

"Lily, you just drank about a liter of liquid in the span of 45 minutes. You basically chugged that second glass of water down after saying you weren't thirsty anymore. It just so happened the topic of conversation was...how thirsty you must be. You don't think that's odd?"

She was looking to the left, into the tunnel the train would emerge from. "Maybe..."

"Are you this thirsty all the time? Like, I don't know. That could be diabetes or something."

She shook her head. "No! Nothing like that. I don't usually drink like that. I'm not sure what was happening." Was the train ever going to arrive?

Q sighed. "Look, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. I'm just saying - you get to decide if the benefits are really worth it. This is supposed to help you feel better, not just make it so you can function inside a cubicle.  And if you need to talk about it, I'm here, okay?"

But what if she needed to be able to function inside a cubicle to feel better? She could feel anger starting to simmer in a far-removed part of her, but she knew getting into an argument would serve nothing.  She looked up at them, nodded, then willed a smile to appear on her face. Her raised eyebrows were the only trait betraying her frustration.

She blinked and finally spoke, a one-word, one-note, quick-breathed answer.

"Okay."