Something was up, Becka was certain. It had been brewing for the past few weeks, a slow unease in the background, but now it was clear to her. Not only Charlotte was acting weird, but now Joanna, too. Becka couldn’t quite put her finger on exactly what was off, but something definitely was. The two of them kept exchanging looks that Becka couldn’t decipher when they thought she wasn’t looking, and Joanna seemed to be making jokes that went over Becka’s head but which Charlotte seemed to understand and get annoyed by.

Normally in a situation like this, Becka would text one of her many sources of gossip to figure out what was going on—but she couldn’t do that to Charlotte! Not to her best friend. It would be a violation of privacy. Even though Becka reeeeally wanted to know what was going on. 

She stewed in it. Frustrated. But only when Charlotte wasn’t paying attention to her. When she was, all of those negative emotions got tossed aside in favour of just… her. Charlotte, this wonderful girl, Becka’s best friend. Her radiance, her beauty, her joy, soaked into Becka’s being, like life-giving water. Becka thrived on it. They only had so many more months of school left before graduation happened and everyone’s lives changed. She wanted to know where Charlotte was planning on going to for post-secondary. She was terrified to ask, to find out it was somewhere she couldn’t follow.

“Michael H’s got a party planned next week,” Natalie said one day, at lunch. “Why don’t we all plan to dress up as risque as possible? Could be a nice chance to land some boys…” She said it with a suggestive grin.

A part of Becka thanked Natalie for the suggestion. Boys. Maybe all Charlotte needed was a boyfriend on her arm again. Maybe then, she’d start feeling normal. All of this weirdness that Becka didn’t know how to quantify would fade away, and Becka could simply leave it behind as a relic of the past, nothing worth her concern. And maybe Becka could even get a boyfriend of her own. It’d been, what… four months since her last guy? Derek had been such an asshole. Maybe she could find someone better at this party. Someone she could go on double dates with Charlotte with.

“Er… no thanks,” Charlotte said. “I mean, I’m fine with going to the party. But I’m not interested in boys.”

Becka blinked.

Charlotte’s face went red. “I- I mean right now. I’m not interested in boys right now. I’m- I think I’m gonna take a bit of a break from dating. Yeah. Uh, you guys are free to dress up for it if you want though.”

“Yeah, kinda same,” Joanna chimed in, biting into her sandwich. “I’m gonna wait til college to pick up guys again. High school boys suck.”

Becka tensed. Her eyes darted between the two girls. There it was again. They were both being weird. Maybe if things hadn’t been so strange leading up to this, she wouldn’t think anything of it, but the fact that she and Joanna both agreed… What was going on? Why were the two of them acting like this? 

“Well if you ask me,” she started carefully, “I think you deserve to feel gorgeous, and desired. Maybe having the boys drooling over you would be good for you? Give you a self-esteem boost?”

Charlotte eyed her. “My self-esteem is fine. I don’t need guys to validate it.”

“Maybe you want them to, though,” Becka replied.

“I don’t.”

“Maybe you should.”

The two of them exchanged an icy look. Becka’s heart thundered in her ears as she held Charlotte’s unimpressed gaze. She hadn’t meant to antagonize Charlotte like this; it had just slipped out. But she stood by what she’d said. She wanted answers on why Charlotte was behaving strangely. 

“Uhh…” Natalie began, holding her hands up. “Hey, guys, it’s okay, okay? We don’t have to go to Michael’s party. You don’t have to fight about it.”

“We’re not fighting,” Charlotte said, turning away coldly.

Becka folded her arms, and stared at her lunch. Her insides felt rotten. A part of her wanted Charlotte to yell at her. It was worse to just sit in this tense silence, as the din of the cafeteria replaced the four girls’ good-natured chitchat. But she didn’t know how to confront her best friend. The girl who was supposed to be the one person she got along with best.

Finally, she opened her mouth. “Charlotte—”

Charlotte stood up. “I’m going outside to vape.”

Joanna watched her as she started off. “I’ll come with you?”

“Don’t,” Charlotte said, cold. “I want to be alone.”

All three of them watched as Charlotte walked away and eventually disappeared down a hall. Becka tore her eyes away from where Charlotte had been, and stared at her food. She should probably eat it. She didn’t have an appetite anymore though.

“Um… Becka?” Natalie asked.

Her eyes flicked up to Natalie’s concerned expression. 

“Are you okay? Do you need… um…” She trailed off, clearly unprepared for this. Of course she wasn’t. The four of them had gotten along great for years now. And suddenly it was falling apart. Fuck, I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have pushed.

“Bec…” Joanna started. She gently rested a hand on her shoulder. “I know what you’re feeling. But I promise you, Charlotte doesn’t hate you or anything like that. She’s just going through some tough shit.”

Becka glared at her. “And how do you know that, huh? Are you going to explain yourself, Joanna? Why you and Charlotte have been exchanging those looks and saying weird things together? What have you two been doing behind our backs?”

“Whoa, Becka,” Natalie said.

Joanna’s lips thinned to a line. “I can’t tell you. It’s private. Charlotte definitely wouldn’t want me spilling that without her permission.”

The words slowly punctured Becka’s chest as though being gradually shoved in by some sadistic serial killer. Charlotte really was keeping secrets. Secrets that she apparently could keep with Joanna. Secrets that Joanna couldn’t tell Becka, who was supposed to be Charlotte’s best friend. 

“…Becka?” Natalie leaned in, ready to offer her a hug. 

“I’m going to go to Chem early,” Becka said. Her voice was shakier than she’d intended it to be. Shit. She got up and walked away before either girl could protest. 

~

The school day continued. Things stayed initially icy between Becka and Charlotte, but with Joanna and Natalie doing their best to lighten the mood and return things to normal, it seemed like Charlotte had decided to let it go. Becka still felt horrible. Like everything that was important to her was slowly curling up and dying. But she put on her best face, laughing at Joanna’s pranks and putting on the image of a girl who had everything figured out.

She didn’t talk to Charlotte directly, though. Didn’t lean against her as she laughed at one of her jokes. It was like they were two magnets of the same polarity, and no matter how close she wanted to get some space would inevitably be forced between them. 

When Becka went home that day, she felt awful. Worse than she’d felt back when her ex boyfriend had broken up with her a few months ago. She wanted to just huddle up in her blankets and never go back to school again. 

Her mom asked if she was alright. Becka just told her she had a stomach ache. 

In the dark of her bedroom, thoughts swirled around in Becka’s head. Did Charlotte hate her now? Had Becka ruined everything? In one singular moment, in anger, had she torn apart the fabric of their friendship? Was it really so fragile that after years and years of knowing each other, it was gone in an instant?

…No. No, it couldn’t be. She wouldn’t let it end this way. Charlotte might be stubborn, but Becka was all the more so. All she needed to do was figure out what Charlotte was hiding, and show her that it didn’t matter. That Becka would love her all the same regardless of whatever secret Charlotte felt was so damn important to keep.

And yes, maybe Becka just really wanted to know for her own satisfaction. Collecting information was her hobby, amassing a grand archive of secrets and hidden details that were hers, all hers. It made her feel powerful. 

If she found out Charlotte’s secret… if it was really that bad… could she leverage it against her? Force Charlotte to be her one and only, stay by her side forever, never keep anything from her ever again?

…Okay. No, that was kind of creepy. But Becka couldn’t deny that the temptation was there, and was strong. 

Whatever. She needed to find out what Charlotte was hiding. That was the only way to fix this. Her motivations didn’t matter. 

A plan began to form in her brain. She pulled out her phone, and her fingers darted around the keyboard as she typed up a message to Natalie.

On Friday, Natalie met Becka in the hallway next to the broken vending machine. Charlotte and Joanna had both gone on ahead, just as Becka had expected, which meant that the plan was a go.

“Okay, I’m here,” Natalie said, fixing her hair. “Are you gonna tell me what the deal is, Becka? Why did I need to bring my brother’s truck to school?”

“We need a vehicle that Charlotte and Joanna aren’t gonna recognize.”

Natalie’s eyes widened. “What does that mean? Are we tailing them?”

Becka nodded. “We’re going to find out where they go on the weekends.”

“What are you talking about?? You say that like they go somewhere specific each weekend. Aren’t they just getting a head start on studying for exams? That’s what Joanna told me!”

Becka sighed. “No, Natalie, they aren’t getting a head start on exams. Since when have Charlotte and Joanna needed months of study ahead of time? Listen, they’re up to something. At first it was just Charlotte, but now Joanna’s in on it. Each weekend, they get together for some reason and do something secret. We’re going to figure out what it is.”

Natalie frowned.

Becka eyed her. “You can’t tell me you’re not curious.”

“I mean, I am, but… are you sure? Won’t they get mad at us if they see us spying on them? What if it’s really sensitive?”

Becka waved a dismissive hand. “They’re already mad at us. This is to fix things in our friend group. If these secrets didn’t exist, everything would be fine. So we’re going to bring things out in the open. And when Charlotte finds out that we aren’t going to judge her, she’ll stop being so cagey and let me back into her life.” Her cheeks heated up a touch. “Uh, I mean, us.”

Natalie rolled her eyes. “Come on, Bec. Things are fine between Joanna and me. It’s only you and Charlotte that are rocky.”

Becka’s face got redder. “Well, so what? You’re my friend, aren’t you? Help me out on this!”

Natalie tapped her finger against her arm. Finally, she sighed. “Okay, fine. Come on.”

Silently, Becka pumped a victorious fist. The two of them headed out the exit and Natalie guided them to her brother’s truck. It was a camo green colour, and significantly taller than the other cars in the parking lot. The two of them got in, and Becka couldn’t help but notice crushed beer cans in the back seat.

“Don’t touch anything,” Natalie said as she hopped into the driver’s seat. “Elliot’ll kill me if we scratch anything on his truck.”

“No worries. It’ll be like I wasn’t even here.” Digging into her backpack, Becka pulled out two hats and two pairs of sunglasses. She put on a pair and a hat, then offered the remainder to Natalie.

Natalie stared. “What’s… this?”

“Disguise. We don’t want Charlotte or Joanna to recognize us through their mirrors.”

“Is this normally what you do when you dig up secrets around school…?” Natalie muttered as she reluctantly took the hat and sunglasses and threw them on.

“Normally I get others to do the hard work for me. Now step on it! They’re pulling out of the parking lot!”

Charlotte’s pink car was peeling out, and as it turned out onto the street, Becka could definitely see both Charlotte and Joanna up in front. She grinned. They were definitely going somewhere together. Something was definitely going on.

Natalie followed, far enough behind so that Charlotte wouldn’t get suspicious but close enough that she could tell where exactly she was going. Becka watched each turn Charlotte made, calculating in real time exactly where she might be headed, what her destination could possibly be. But none of the options made sense.

They’d ended up in a residential area. Not a mall, or a store, or downtown. A residential area just a short distance away from the school. Becka watched as the pink car parked along the street. 

“Pull over, pull over!” She hissed. “Before they notice us!”

Natalie hastily pulled the truck into a spot in between two cars beside a random house. Becka prayed that Charlotte hadn’t noticed them, and stared intently at the pink car several houses down. 

Sure enough, Charlotte and Joanna both got out of the car. But, instead of walking up to the house in front of where they’d parked, they walked down a ways. Finally, they stopped at an unassuming cream-coloured house, and rang the doorbell. Becka stared, trying to piece together what was going on, but coming up blank.

The door opened. 

Lauren Scheuer let the two of them inside the house.

There was a moment of quiet.

“Uh…” Natalie began. “Was that… L- Laur—”

Becka unbuckled her seatbelt and shoved the door open, slamming it shut behind her. She felt her heart pounding inside her eardrums. It was like her vision was going red. She stormed towards the house, heedless of any cars that might be driving down the street, heedless of Natalie calling out behind her.

“Becka! Wait!”

Becka did not wait. She kept walking, a storm personified. This was what Charlotte had been hiding from her? She was getting buddy buddy with Lauren fucking Scheuer? Weekend after weekend, they were spending time with the girl they’d formerly bullied? That was the big damn secret?

“Becka!” Natalie grabbed her shoulder, wrenching her back.

“What?” Becka snarled.

“Don’t do anything rash,” Natalie pleaded. “Think about your friendship with Charlotte!”

“Are you telling me you’re not angry?” Becka gestured. “Joanna’s been canoodling with Lauren motherfucking Scheuer behind your back too! That doesn’t piss you off?”

Natalie swallowed. Pointedly, she had no answer.

“This is wrong. And we need answers, Natalie. You feel it just as much as I do.”

Natalie took a deep breath. “Fine. But turn it down a notch, okay? You told me yourself that your plan was to show Charlotte that you weren’t going to judge her. Don’t forget about that, alright?”

Becka tapped her foot. “That was before I found out that she was spending all her time with Lauren Scheuer.”

“Maybe… they’re just there to bully her?”

“Like that’s a secret they’d need to keep. They used to bully her all the time with the two of us, in broad daylight at school. God, no wonder she stopped picking on her! I guess Charlotte decided that Lauren is her new best friend, huh?”

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Natalie protested. “She’s hated Lauren since forever. Why would she…”

“I don’t know. But I’m going to find out.” Becka turned around and continued her righteous, furious march towards Lauren’s house. She heard Natalie’s footsteps behind her; clearly the girl had given up on whatever reservations she had. Becka resisted a smirk. She was just as heartbroken as Becka was, though she tried not to show it. And who wouldn’t be? Her precious Joanna, sneaking into the home of the pathetic, sniveling Lauren Scheuer, behind your back. That would hurt.

Finally, Becka reached the front door, and knocked on it several times, imbuing her fist with as much anger as was coursing through the rest of her body. 

It took a moment, but the door at last opened up. Lauren stood there, dressed in her usual boring attire; hoodie, jeans, glasses. Becka peered over her shoulder, but wherever Joanna and Charlotte were, they weren’t visible from here. 

“Um… can I help you?” Lauren asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“Where the fuck is Charlotte?” Becka snapped. It was all she could do to keep herself from ripping out Lauren’s throat. 

“And Joanna!” Natalie chimed in.

“Oh.” Lauren said.

“Fucking ‘oh’, is that all you have to say?” Becka hissed. “What the hell have the three of you been doing, you little shit? Stealing my best friend? You think I wouldn’t notice? You—”

“Becka?” 

All of her momentum faltered as Becka laid eyes on Charlotte Daniels, stepping up from what looked to be the staircase to the basement. Her eyes were wide, shocked. Behind her, Joanna walked up, equally taken aback.

“Care to explain?” Becka said, hands on her hips.

Charlotte gently pushed Lauren out of the way as she stepped up to the door. “Becka, why did you come here? God, this is bad, you shouldn’t have—”

“Shouldn’t have come? Yeah, I bet that would be convenient for you. I just sit away all oblivious and placated while you run off with your new best friend behind my back.”

“Becka,” Charlotte snapped. Her queen bee voice, the one she used when she was putting someone in their place. It was intimidating, and made a weird tingling sensation erupt in Becka’s stomach. She wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of this. “I am not keeping secrets from you because Lauren’s my ‘new best friend’. I was keeping them because this is dangerous. I don’t want you involved. And… fuck, now that you’ve come here, you might get pulled in too!”

Becka frowned. “What do you mean, ‘dangerous’? What could possibly be dangerous about the world’s lamest girl?”

“She’s—” Charlotte growled as she cut herself off. “If I tell you, then you get sucked in further. Please, just… go. I’m trying to protect you, I promise. But you can’t be here anymore.”

Becka swallowed, her mouth feeling dry. Charlotte’s words sunk into her, but she wasn’t sure what to believe. She couldn’t come up with an explanation that made anything Charlotte had said make sense. And yet, she seemed so earnest. But how could Becka just leave? Ignore whatever was clearly going on?

Finally, she turned her gaze onto Joanna. “And you? What’s your excuse?”

Joanna shrunk a bit, and glanced away.

“Joanna…?” Natalie asked. Her voice was soft, a plea, desperate. 

“Nat, I… This is Charlotte’s call. It impacts her more than me. But I promise I’m not trying to hurt you.”

There was silence for an extended moment. 

“Fine. Fine.” Becka shivered as she felt her heart crack right down the center. “I guess this is it, then. Cool. I can… I can accept that.” She took a step back, her insides a tempest of confusion, heartache, and misery. 

Charlotte grabbed her hands. “Don’t be like that. I’m not losing you, Becka.”

Becka blinked, surprised.

Charlotte bit her lip, clearly hesitating, but finally she pushed forward. “Look, I… I can’t tell you about what’s going on with Lauren. But I can give you some explanations. I’m sorry that… that I’ve been ruining our friendship. I haven’t meant to. I’ve just been going through a lot lately. Everything’s hard.”

Lauren spoke up. “And by some explanations, you mean…?”

“God, obviously I’m not going to spill your secret, you dolt.” She turned back to Becka, and squeezed her hands. “Tonight. At the park where we hung out as kids. I’ll be there, waiting for you.”

Becka felt tears spring to her eyes. She was really trying to repair things. This wasn’t the end! Sniffling, she nodded, squeezing Charlotte’s hands back. “Yeah. Sure. Eight o’clock?”

Charlotte nodded, and for the first time that day, gave Becka a smile. “You got it.”

~

When Becka was seven years old, she was full of energy. The world was a vast, beautiful thing, and she wanted to explore it and fill it up with herself. She ran around, peeking into places she shouldn’t be, upturning rocks, and most of all: crowning herself queen of the playground. 

The other boys in the neighbourhood hated her. She was hoarding the top of the playground, and she’d yell at any boys who tried to get in her way, or she’d kick them off of whatever ladder or slide they tried to get up through, laughing as they landed on their asses in the gravel. 

One day, though, a boy larger than all the rest finally broke through. He was strong for his age, and angry, and Becka knew that her reign was over. 

Then, a girl arrived, and pushed her would-be-assailant down the slide. 

Charlotte Daniels and Becka McKendrick became the queens of the playground, reigning all the way up until the snow arrived and it got too cold to hang out there anymore. But their friendship never faded. Charlotte was strong and beautiful, and Becka admired her more than anything. She talked about her best friend all the time, to her parents, to her other friends, to anyone who would listen. 

Even as they grew up, and Charlotte made other friends, Becka remained her number one, her best friend through the years. That would never change. 

Becka’s eyes lingered on that spot up at the top of the playground, the place she’d once declared her queenly throne. It looked so small now, and the colours on the plastic playground parts were much more faded than in her memory. But it was the same place. The same place she’d met the most important person to her, all those years ago. 

She sighed, and gave the ground beneath her a small shove, kicking herself into a small swing. The swingset here was a bit too small for her nowadays, but she’d kept herself thin enough that it worked. 

She’d been wracking her brain all evening, trying to think of a moment when Charlotte and her had ever been so distant. But nothing was coming to her. For once, their lifelong friendship was in serious danger of falling apart. And Becka couldn’t deny that it very well might be her fault. 

Maybe she shouldn’t have pushed so hard. Maybe she should have given Charlotte some space. Would things have naturally worked out if she’d left it alone? Did she ruin it, too insecure to simply wait and see? 

She hoped not. Becka clung to the smile Charlotte had given her, a token of goodwill, maybe a sign that not all hope was lost. That maybe they could fix things. Maybe they could go back to the way they were.

Becka glanced up as she heard footsteps crunching in the gravel. Charlotte stood there, giving her a small smile and a nod. Becka’s heart swelled, pounding in her chest, as she watched the girl who she hoped was still her best friend sit on the swing next to her. 

“Remember when we used to declare ourselves queens of the park and kick all the boys out?” Charlotte said wistfully. 

Becka grinned softly to herself. “I remember, yeah.”

“One time I fell off and scraped my knee… god, mom was so pissed at me for that.”

“You were a rambunctious little shit.”

“You were worse than me!”

They met each other’s eyes, and then burst out into laughter.

“I’m the worst,” Charlotte said as she caught her breath.

“What??” Becka exclaimed. “No, I’m the worst! I followed you after school to find out the secret you were apparently keeping to protect me! I- I violated your privacy! That’s shitty. I shouldn’t have done that. I… I’m sorry for doing that.”

“I mean… maybe. But you wouldn’t have felt desperate enough to do that if I’d worked up the courage to explain anything at all to you.” Charlotte pulled out her vape, taking a hit. “I’m a coward, Bec. Too scared to be honest. Too scared to communicate. I’d much rather just run away from all the hard conversations.”

Becka wanted to deny it, to stop her best friend from beating herself up so badly. But this clearly was important to Charlotte. It wasn’t the sort of thing to just sweep under the rug, no matter how amazing she thought she was. 

“Well, I… I’m not gonna judge you, you know,” Becka said after a moment. “I mean, I know I judged you earlier, but that—ugh, I still feel really shitty for that. I promise I won’t do that again. I just want to be your friend, Charlotte. Whatever you have to tell me, I’m all ears.”

Charlotte’s jaw clenched. It was obvious that even with what she’d said, she was struggling to be honest here. Deeply held instincts were raging at her not to reveal her hidden truths, and as Becka stared at her she found herself strangely drawn in. She wanted to know the depths of Charlotte, to familiarize herself with every dark corner of herself she insisted on locking away. She was shocked at the strength of this sudden emotion as it caused her to lean in closer, eyeing Charlotte intently.

“Wh- Why are you looking at me like that?” Charlotte stammered.

Becka’s face went red. “Shit, sorry.” She pulled back. “I was just… I mean, I’m curious, is all.”

Charlotte sighed. “Yeah, I guess you would be.” She squeezed her eyes shut, and almost looked… afraid? “Look, Becka, I just… I understand if after I tell you this, you never want to talk to me again. I get it. I’ll leave you alone if you want.”

Becka swallowed. Her heart was thudding. “Charlotte, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m scaring myself.” She took a deep breath, and then turned, looking her best friend in the eye. “Becka, I’m a lesbian.”

Crickets chirped. Someone rode past on a bicycle. 

Becka’s heart was pounding louder than ever before. It drowned out all the background audio as Charlotte’s words sunk in. “You’re… what?” She said, dumbly.

Charlotte’s voice wavered as she went on. “I’m a lesbian. I like girls. I’ve… I’ve liked girls my whole life, and it’s only recently that I started to actually accept that fact, instead of pretending I was straight.”

Becka’s head was spinning around as this new reality orbited around her, looming but unable to quite settle in. “W- Wait, wait, wait, what does this have to do with you and Lauren? You’re not… t- together, are—”

“God, no,” Charlotte said quickly. “No, Lauren and I are not together. She’s just… she’s been helping me out, listening to me as I vent and shit. I mean, she’s a lesbian too, right? So I’ve been getting advice from her.”

Charlotte’s a lesbian. My best friend is a lesbian. “Uhhh… and Joanna?”

Charlotte inhaled. “She’s bi. She also likes girls. So, her advice has been helpful too. But you can’t tell anyone about that, okay? I’m only telling you so you understand better. Otherwise it isn’t my secret to spill.”

“R- Right, right, I won’t say anything.” Becka cleared her throat. “S- Sorry, I’m just… I’m just processing, you know? I mean, we call girls dykes all the time when we make fun of them, and you never…” She trailed off. Shit, she felt so awful. She’d been picking on girls who were just like Charlotte all this time! 

“Right, well… like I said, I was in denial. I wasn’t gonna stop you.” She took another drag from her vape. “Anyway. That’s… the explanation. Sorry for keeping it from you. And again, if you want to stay away from me, I… I get it. I won’t be offended.”

“N- No!” Becka exclaimed quickly. 

Charlotte blinked, surprise evident on her features.

“I mean, no, I don’t want to stay away from you. You’re my best friend, Charlotte! I mean, yeah, this is a shock and it’s gonna be a bit before I’ve fully processed, but I don’t want anything to change between us! You’re important to me! And I, um…” God, why did her cheeks feel so warm? “I’m glad you told me. Th- Thanks for trusting me.”

“I… didn’t trust you. You forced my hand. But that wasn’t because of you. It was because of me. Because I can’t for the life of me just open up.” She chuckled. “But yeah, I’m glad I told you too. It’s nice to know… that I still have you.”

Becka’s heart did a flip. “Y- Yeah. Same.”

Charlotte sighed. “Kay. I should probably get back now. Thanks for chatting, Bec. See you at school.”

Becka just nodded and waved, and watched her best friend slowly walk away, all the way until she’d gotten into her car and driven away. And then she was alone, with nothing more than the crickets and the evening air and her own turbulent thoughts for company.

“Oh my god,” she muttered to herself. “My best friend is a lesbian. Holy shit.”