Lynn's head hurt. The armrest was hard through the thin pillow of her worn grey couch, giving her a headache. Adjusting felt like too much work though, and going to get Tylenol or Advil wasn't an option since her mom had taken both after the last time she took a few too many. Her one orangish pill bottle, full of little pink pills, stood on the low coffee table, next to the water bottles her mom had left her. She never liked taking them. They made her tremble, and she couldn't write notes without having all of the lines jiggle on the page.
    She knew she should get up, brush her teeth, make herself something to eat. The bathroom was too far away, though, and even the meals her mom had put together for her and left in the freezer were too much work right now. The freezer door felt like it weighed a ton when she tried to open it, and it just wasn't happening right now. Her mom had also thought to bring out her acoustic guitar and prop it on it's stand in the corner, hoping it might bring a little relief and stability by letting Lynn work out her emotions in a more constructive way than curling up on the couch. She'd used it a few times. Then the D string broke, and the thought of replacing it seemed so difficult it made her cry. Now it was just gathering dust, like everything in the room, including her.
    The phone rang. Lynn ducked her head under her blanket and covered her ears, hoping that it wasn't anybody that might show up at her door if she didn't answer. Occassionally, after her first attempt with the pills, the few friends who cared had tried, but after a couple of times knocking with no response they stopped coming. The caller wouldn't be a professor. Finals were weeks ago, ages, lifetimes it felt like, and they were still in the summer break. She was less stressed when the concerned instructors stopped trying to reach her. 
    The ringing ended. If it was her mom, then a knock was coming, before a key in the lock. Her mom having a key was the worst thing in her life. It'd been at least four times that mom had left a message, and they were supposed to talk together every day. The psychiatrist had said that. Had ordered that. The sound of the key was coming soon, Lynn was certain.
    Her stomach grumbled. The psychiatrist had also told her to take care of herself. Maybe she should. She should definitely give the doctor a call. Talking with another human was still too much though. But her mouth tasted like shit. Toothpaste would help. The bathroom was quickly becoming necessary anyway. She wasn't so far gone that she'd relieve herself on the couch. She sat up for the first time in what felt like days. The blankets she'd cuddled under slid down and she shivered, the air on her skin chilly despite the oppressive heat. After a big sigh, she leaned forward and caught herself with both hands on the table. Pushing hard, she stood on shaky legs. It was almost too much. The couch called. Sleep called. Anything but the bathroom. She made it there anyway.
    The flaccid warmth of the seat always remided her of the lack of air conditioning. Her apartment sucked. It was depressing. After flushing, it was nearly too much to wash her hands, but she managed, and the luke warm water coming from the cold tap inspired her to pull out her toothbrush. The mint helped the rancid taste in her mouth. A little work motivated her to look in the mirror. It was almost a mistake. The crushing self-doubt gave way to a burst of energy. Out came the hair brush, and with a little help from water, the tangled mess smoothed out. It was crackling and standing up in the dry air, but at least it was brushed. The t-shirt was a mess too, wrinkled, sweat stained and dingy. Her sweat pants must be the same way. A shower would help. The dirty clothes fell on the floor. The water out of the cold side was perfect, just cool enough running down her skin to take away the worst of the heat but not leave her freezing. She toweled off and ran half wet to the bedroom. She didn't have a roommate, so it didn't matter that she was naked.
    After fresh clothes, she had just enough energy to make it to the fridge. The large number of glass containers her mom had left were full of things to nuke, and the few she had left unfrozen hadn't gone bad yet. She opened one, sniffed at the spaghetti, and tossed the glass into the microwave. While it warmed up, she filled a glass with ice and the warm tap water. It was cool enough going down her throat. It helped. She filled it again. The spaghetti finished after leaving red dots all over her microwave. In another burst of energy, she wiped it out with a paper towel. Mom would be proud. The noodles were good, with enough sauce that none were dry. It helped that she was suddenly starving.
    Filling the dish with water and leaving it in the sink, she turned to the coffee pot. It was empty. Getting the grounds out was too much work. The clock said 10:24 am, so a coffee shop would definitely be open. It'd been what, weeks? months? Too long to remember, certainly, since she'd seen the sun. Tying her hair back, she grabbed keys and her wallet and walked out into the dazzling light. Then she remembered shoes.

Lynn slunk into the coffee shop, feeling out of place in a hoodie and sweats considering the heat. The line was fortunately short, with only one person ordering. She looked up, wondering if she was really worth a caramel machiatto. The barista looked up at her as the other person moved aside to wait for their drink.
    "Uh, just a coffee," mumbled Lynn.
    "I'm sorry, what was that again?" asked the woman behind the counter.
    "Oh, uh, coffee."
    "Size?" 
    Lynn was sure it was judgemental. "Uh, medium."
    "Medium roast ok?"
    "Uh, yeah. Sure."
    "Room for cream?"
    Lynn almost made a break for it. Too many questions, too much judgement. She stayed, somehow, certain that the lady who'd come up behind her must be annoyed. "Oh, uh, yeah." She shrunk further into the hood.
    "$2.74". Lynn handed over three bucks silently, held out a hand nearly covered by her sleeve for the change, and dropped it into the tip cup. The barista brought her the coffee. It stung her fingers from the heat. She turned away, too embarrased to grab the cardboard sleeve. Her fingers hurt, though, and somehow she pushed past the anxiety to turn back and grab one. Drink in hand, she managed to stop at the cream instead of running outside, and even put in some sugar. When she reached for the stir stick, someone else had come up to the cream counter. Her hand jerked back, but she caught herself and got one. A table in a corner was open, just for two people. It looked safe enough. She sat where she could see the shop, guarded on two sides by walls.
    Stirring and blowing on her coffee, she jumped when a voice said something.
    "May I sit with you?" 
    A bit of her coffee spilled on the table. She looked up, terrified, as a woman stood there, smiling kindly at her. The woman gestured at the seat. Lynn just stared, wide eyed and scared the woman might actually do it.
    "It's ok. I don't bite." The woman sat down, placing her drink on the little table. 
    Lynn shrunk back, trying to hide in her sweats, not really knowing what to do. She thought about tearing out of the coffee shop, thought about politely excusing herself, thought about running into the bathroom and locking the door. She stayed still, trying to sink back further, wishing the lady would just go away.
    The woman sat down, keeping her hands in her lap. "I'm Riya," she said, not extending a hand. "What's your name?"
    Lynn tried to squeeze further back into the corner, wishing the walls would wrap around her and hide her from this intrusive stranger.
    "It's ok, I understand. You look like you could use a friend, though, and I was thinking maybe you could come to this group I have on campus. I think you'd like it. It would help with the anxiety."
    Lynn shook her head, fear playing across her face. She really, really wanted the woman to go away. Now. But she was silent. Talking was engaging, and that was scary.
    "I can tell you need this." Riya pulled out a sparkly pencil and started twirling it in her fingers. "Your first session. Do you see the pencil? Let the light flicker across your eyes. Do you see it?"
    Lynn pulled back further, not sure what was going on.
    "Stop worrying, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm trying to help. Let go, let yourself watch the pencil and relax."
    Lynn's eyes kept flicking between the pencil and the woman's face. 
    "That's okay, look at the pencil, then at my eyes, and back to the pencil. Do you see it now? Keep looking closely, and let yourself relax."
    Lynn felt confusion bubble up, pushing the anxiety back a bit. She found herself wanting to know what was going on. She started to ask.
    "Shh, just let the relaxation flow over you. We can talk in a bit."
    Lynn quieted, and let it happen. She found herself zoning out, constantly flicking between the pencil and this strange lady's eyes. Flick. Flick.
    "So, tonight at 5 in Albert Hall, 314. You'll be there, right?"
    'Wait, what?' Lynn thought. "Uh, sure." She wasn't really sure, but the woman looked like she expected it.
    "Okay, I'll see you then." The lady got up and left.
    Lynn was alone again. Relieved. And yet, she missed the company. Someone talking, other than herself, or her judgemental mother. A friend? Not yet. But someone.    

Lynn felt something stronger than just curiosity pulling her towards the door of the room in Albert Hall. It turned out to be the psychology grad room, with couches flung against the walls and a low coffee table in the middle. A small fridge was in a corner, and the woman that had invited Lynn was pulling out bottled water.
    "More appropriately dressed for the weather, I see," she said, reaching out with a bottle towards Lynn.
    Lynn felt frozen, suddenly embarrased in her plain white t-shirt and blue athletic shorts. She hadn't expected to be judged on her fashion choices. "Uh..."
    "No, don't take it that way," the lady said, shaking the bottle. "Want it?"
    Lynn grabbed the bottle. "Uh, thanks."
    "I just meant that earlier you were in those heavy sweats, and it's pretty hot out."
    "I... uh..." stammered Lynn.
    "It's nothing, just a comment. I'm Riya, by the way." The lady reached out her hand. Lynn hesitated before shaking it. "Now, let's all sit and get started."
    Lynn glanced around, counting four other women in the room. All looked like students, some maybe grad students and others a little younger, more obviously undergrads. Everyone else sat while Lynn tried to seek out a spot as far from everyone as possible. She huddled up against the arm of one couch, sitting away from the woman on the other end.
    "Okay, we're all here, all settled. Let's start our meditation." Riya looked at each person in their eyes, smiling encouragingly. "Close your eyes, and imagine your happy place. It can be anywhere you like, a beach, the mountains, floating in the clouds. Just a place that makes you happy."
    Lynn closed her eyes, not sure she was up for this. She'd done therapy before, and it hadn't helped at all. Hoping this wasn't a waste of time, she brought up the happiest place in her life - her bedroom at home, before she'd lost it one day and painted "Fuck my life!" on a wall. Back before the therapists and psychiatrists and the never ending out of control rollercoaster of her emotional life.
    "Good. Are you there? Now relax, settle down in your happy place, and let your mind wander. We're going to rest now. Let me guide it down into silence."
    Lynn let Riya's voice float into her mind as she tried desperately to shut up the running commentary in her head. She found her mind slowing down, her typical spinning thoughts quieting. She gently floated, Riya's voice merging with her background thoughts.
    "And now down, down, dropping into trance."
    Lynn felt like the world dropped away, and she landed gently in a hazy world of nothing. No judgemental voice, no rushed thoughts, just nothing.

Lynn heard a lock click. Something was wrong. A voice floated in her mind, and she felt something rather than heard it in her head. Her mind learned things from the feeling, things she didn't need to think about. She could just rest. Rest and relax. Relax and learn. Learn and understand. Understand, but not consciously.
    Slowly she rose, back up into her room, seeing it perfect as before, but better this time. It was perfect, this feeling, floating above her bed. Her eyes fluttered open, and Riya was standing in front of her. leaning down to her ear.
    "Be there tonight, at 9pm."
    Lynn wanted to ask where, but somehow she knew that wouldn't be necessary. Riya leaned back, and Lynn shook her head a little as she stood up. 
    "Thank you for coming, Lynn." Riya had a kind smile on her face.
    "Uh, thanks." Lynn moved to go. She picked her way past the coffee table.

Her apartment was a mess. When she got home, in a sudden burst of energy, she started cleaning. Really cleaning. All of the dishes went into the kitchen and her clothes into the laundry basket. The vacuum sucked up ages of dust and dirt. She pulled out a dinner, then forgot it in her push to make sure everything in the apartment was perfect.
    Absolutely perfect.
    Her mind put on the brakes at 8:30pm. She had something to do. Something important. 
    In her room, she sorted through the clean dresses she had, most of which had never come off the hangers. She had to look perfect. One little red dress looked like it would work for tonight. It showed off her legs well. On it went, then into the bathroom for some makeup. She took a little time, though she felt rushed, to make sure it was all put on perfectly.
    Out the door, walking a little gingerly on heels she was no longer used to, she managed to make it four blocks to a two story house surrounded by apartments. It was just about 9pm. Taking a deep breath, she knocked.
    "Dear, you're just on time." Riya gestured for Lynn to enter. Confidently, Lynn moved into the front room. There was only one chair in the room, and lots of pillows on the floor over a soft rug. The students from earlier were scattered around in various stages of undress, hands caressing and lips kissing all over. Lynn felt her libido fire for the first time in months, with her crotch crying out in need as she pulled in a deep breath. She noticed the scent, full of musk and desire, and looking at Riya, she knew what to do. Riya smiled as Lynn leaned in, a deep kiss between the two sweeping Lynn higher. 
    Breaking off the kiss, Riya said, "You look delicious." She closed the door behind them. "Let me eat you." Down Lynn's throat, across the low neckline, leaving a trail of lipstick and desire across Lynn's skin.
    "I've never been with a woman before." Lynn said. "I've never wanted to."
    "Then I'll teach you." Riya kissed again, and then pushed Lynn back onto some pillows. "Slowly." Riya pulled the shoulders of Lynn's dress down and began kissing lightly along the exposed skin. Lynn sighed and laid back, letting the desire consume her in a fire that she hadn't felt in so long that she had forgotten how bright and alive it made her feel.
    Riya pulled on the dress, and Lynn shifted to let it come off. Butterflies played along Lynn's skin and lit her insides. Lynn watched as Riya sat up to pull off her own dress, and sudden need drove Lynn to sit up and start sucking sensitive places on Riya that had always worked for herself.
    "See? You know. Oh god, do you know," said Riya, holding onto Lynn's head. "Worship me."
    The words hit Lynn hard. Something sparkled in the light, and she understood. She was here to worship. Riya was her goddess, and she was a supplicant trying to please. Purpose flashed, and everything became perfect as she lay back again and pulled Riya forward. For her first time, she just mimicked what she liked, and Riya began instructing her in the ways to love a woman.
    As the night wore on, Lynn was passed around, learning different lessons about hips and lips and breasts and butts and sweet, sweet nectar from each of the students. Her energy kept up, and at the end, as each of the others slept, she stayed awake, running over her new purpose with each breath. Her mind sped over all the perfect things that had happened that evening, and she loved every second of it as it replayed in her head.

In the morning, Riya woke slowly, and Lynn helped, gently kissing and sucking down her body to make the early hour a little easier to take. Riya used her fingers to encourage Lynn, and the two rose to a crescendo that left each breathless and wanting more. They stared into each other's eyes, and Riya said, "I'm so happy I found you in that coffee shop."
    "So am I." Lynn smiled. "It's been so long since, since I felt this alive!" She laughed a little. "I have so much energy, and it's been so long..."
    "That's great!" said Riya.
    "I actually cleaned my apartment yesterday," said Lynn. "It's been months."
    "Really? That's impressive."
    "Yeah, it is." Lynn laughed. "Yeah, for once I had the energy. I'm so glad I got off my couch yesterday."
    "So am I." Riya smiled at Lynn and pushed some hair back over her ear. "We should get cleaned up and have breakfast." 
    "Oh, oh yeah," said Lynn. 
    "We should bring some things here for you."
    Lynn was a bit shocked. "Oh, really?"
    "Yes," said Riya. "Enough so you can stay the night."
    "Oh, uh, sure," said Lynn. "I'll go grab..."
    "Let me come with you," said Riya. "I can help you gather your things."
    "Oh, uh, my place is a mess..." Lynn ducked her head.
    "You said you just cleaned it."
    Laughing a bit, Lynn said, "Yeah, I guess I did." She looked up into Riya's eyes. Riya's perfect brown eyes.
    "You'll let me come along," said Riya, a little more commanding this time.
    Lynn felt something shift in her. This was a command from her new goddess, her touch of the divine. "Yes, of course." She was immensely happy that her goddess wanted to accompany her. 

Walking quickly down the four blocks, they entered Lynn's stifling apartment. Riya opened windows and Lynn grabbed a few things and tossed them into her backpack. She made sure to have a spare toothbrush (thanks, mom!) and a few other toiletries as well as a couple of changes of clothes. She moved towards the bottle of pink pills on the table. Riya placed her hand over Lynn's, keeping her from grabbing them.
    "You won't need those." Riya smiled. "Never again."
    "Are, you... thank you!" Lynn teared up, excited. "Thank you so much! I feel so much better now!"
    "Let's head back. You must be hungry, and the others will need to eat as well."
    "Yeah, I'm starving," said Lynn, letting the happiness and acceptance wash over her.

Weeks went by quickly, with Lynn serving Riya and the others as asked. She felt a comfort and satisfaction deep in her soul, helping her goddess and acolytes. She could even face her mom, who seemed a little concerned about the speed with which Lynn changed, but she let Lynn know she was happy that Lynn was finally off the couch and doing something. Anything.
    Lynn was a little worried by her lack of sleep, but it seemed like she just didn't need it. She was always ready to serve. 
    As the semester approached, Lynn found herself both anticipating the upcoming class schedule and upset that she would be required to spend time away from her goddess.
    It was really becoming her Goddess, as she thought about it. She could sometimes feel the divine truly come through Riya, and she felt like she should be spreading the gospel of the new Church of her savior, Riya. Riya laughed at the suggestion and told Lynn to keep it quiet. Riya made sure to be specific in her instructions not to proselytize.
    Lynn kept quiet about it, but it began to eat at her. Her mind kept spinning with the idea, building slowly from getting a few people that would benefit from Riya's guided therapy to creating a full-fledged compound with a call center that could sweep away the troubles of millions. It spun and spun in her head, keeping her up at night, until she had to bring it up to Riya again.
    "Please, Riya, you could be helping so many people." Lynn looked at Riya with big doe eyes. 
    "No, really, I have all I can handle with you five." Riya smiled and kissed Lynn gently. "I'll maybe write up a paper on it, see if we can get it published..." Riya looked thoughtful. "Yeah, that could work..."
    "No, it needs to be you, you deserve to be worshipped, and could really help so many people!" Lynn was getting visibly agitated.
    "Worshipped? I thought we stopped that word, Lynn." Riya looked concerned. 
    Lynn continued. "Riya, goddess, please let me bring people to you that you could help, that would finally find their own path out of the darkness like I did. You could do so much good!"
    "Not now, Lynn, you really need to be thinking of your classes..."
    Lynn cut Riya off. "No! You don't get it! I don't need classes! I don't need school! I need you! Everyone needs you! They need to see that you're the path, the way, the... the... the perfect person to help them get past their doubts, their insecurities, their anxiety! You need to help these people, Riya, just like you helped me!" Lynn was shouting now, and the others had come over to see what was going on.
    Lynn felt out of control. Her mind was flying so fast she could hardly catch a thought before it flew by for th next. The words were pressing their way to her mouth and coming out way too fast, but still not as fast as they needed to, as quickly as her thoughts were going.
    "You need to help more, Riya! No more meds! No more psychiatrists! Just you, Riya, and people worshipping you and making you the center of their lives like I have and it would help them all and you would get the praise you deserve and we would..."
    "Stop!" shouted Riya.
    "...but you need this, Goddess, the world needs you, can't you see? You would be praised everywhere and everyone would know who you are and so many ill people would be helped and we could take over the hotlines and..."
    "Stop, Lynn, now!"
    Lynn somehow managed to stop the words. She felt the pressure building behind her eyes, in her mouth, trying to force her to let the words come out.
    "Go home and calm down, Lynn. I've noticed you haven't been sleeping much. You should get into bed and try to get a good night's sleep." Riya helped Lynn towards the door.
    "But I don't want to go, I want to be with you! I need to be with you! Please don't make me go..."
    "Sleep, Lynn. I command it."
    Lynn felt the command sink in and her world shattered. She left, tears streaming down her face.    

Lynn slunk into bed. Her mind was racing, but now going over everything she'd just done wrong. Her guilt at raising her voice to Riya burned inside, and she couldn't decide what had made her push so hard or start getting angry with Riya for not accepting...
    But that was just it. Riya was supposed to accept, and when she didn't, Lynn had failed so badly that she was sent away by her Goddess. Lynn had fallen from grace, and was forced into isolation because of her insolence. 
    Lynn was quietly sobbing off and on for hours, late into the night. She finally got up, made one of her mom's frozen dinners, ate quietly, and collapsed on the couch. The T.V. was on, playing something for background noise, something to try to keep Lynn from spinning over the failure with Riya again and again. It didn't work. She stayed up the rest of the night, puffy eyes wet and red, thinking about her transgressions. How could she make it up to Riya and how worthless in the eyes of her Goddess was she now?
    Her cellphone buzzed in the morning. Lynn didn't move towards it. It didn't matter who it was. Maybe if she ignored it, they would go away. She didn't deserve any help, any company. It went to voicemail.
    Lynn felt the familiar blackness settling in, keeping her from getting up to take care of herself. She only just managed to make it to the bathroom a few times. She drank a little water. She saw her razor and thought about breaking out the blades. She didn't.
    She made it back to the couch, ducked under a throw blanket, and didn't move again until she had to pee. Then a little water, think about the razor, wander back to the couch. Her phone buzzed a few more times. Lynn was sure it was Riya telling her to stay away, to castigate her for all she had done wrong.
    After a few days, there was a knock at the door, and a muffled voice. "Lynn, let me in."
    Lynn stayed on the couch. She ducked under her blanket, willing the person to just leave.
    "Please let me in, Lynn. It's Riya."
    Lynn felt the command bubbling up, the need to follow it battling with the darkness that had overtaken her soul. The darkness won.
    "Lynn, I know you're hurting. I can help, I can make you better."
    Lynn felt tears stream down her face. She knew she wasn't worth saving anymore. She saw the pink pills on the table. She could take them all, end it now.
    "Lynn, please."
    Lynn didn't move. 
    "Okay. When you can, call me, or stop by. I'll be here waiting for you."
    Lynn rocked herself for a while, until she finally fell asleep.