While not all men grow up to be jerks, some are definitely born with the concept engraved in their genes. “Too Douchey” - whose real name was Timothy Dawes - was one of them and his propensity for violence began the day he decided to come out into the world by tearing a new hole in his mother’s body. 

As a young boy, he was always the reserved type with distant yet scheming eyes. He never bothered building friendships, nor was he ever upset when the people closest to him disappeared from his life one by one. Timothy lived in his own world, one where forming true connections with others was a liability and a possible impediment to his future dreams of greed. Despite having been raised in a religious environment, the only god he worshiped was Money. He wanted to be rich growing older and was willing to do whatever it took to achieve that goal.

A combination of poor thoughts and poorer decisions to act on them after his nineteenth birthday resulted in the first big mistake of his life. The bank was supposed to be empty that morning and the money was supposed to be there waiting for the grab, but both suppositions became illusions easily shattered by the police sirens and so Timothy - the man who wanted to be rich - thus became another prisoner in the system. The two years and three months behind bars did little to straighten his thoughts and a lot to disrupt them even more. However, it also gave him enough notoriety to earn a special tattoo and a place inside one of the most dangerous gangs in New Mexico. When he was finally released, he was a far more dangerous individual than before.

In the years that followed, Timothy did a series of odd jobs for the gang from transporting stolen goods to “helping” potential witnesses forget things they had seen. His fists did most of the talking, and he preferred the company of women to men in that regard. His reputation grew, yet his bank account remained dangerously close to red, for no amount of money he received was enough to sustain the many addictions he had acquired over the years.

Alcohol and tobacco were the two primary ones, but there was also enough space for gambling and hookers. When it came to the latter, he liked them hot and submissive, ready to spread their ass cheeks and receive the full glory of his pierced member whenever he was in the mood for it. Anyone that dared to roll their eyes at him was sure to leave the room with more bruises than they had on their way in. He liked it rough and regretted nothing, for only the fool and the weak allowed such nonsense to cloud their minds.

In time, Timothy perfected his outside appearance to the point of being easily mistaken as a lawyer or a moderately wealthy insurance salesman but deep inside he was still the same lonely boy with a frail ego that needed to compensate for his natural insecurities by dumping them on others. He also still worked for the gang, mostly as an enforcer but never forgetting the courier side, and both were on the clock that day. While he was in no hurry to arrive at his destination, being stuck inside that elevator with that strange woman and the now entranced pizza delivery man was now making him wish he was.

“Hurry to get moving, you worthless piece of junk!” he kicked the metal doors so hard the echo of the blow hurt his ears.

“What the hell are you doing?” Vanessa asked.

“Giving it an incentive to start working again,” Timothy smirked.

“Do you give the same incentives to the people that piss you off?”

“Sometimes, if that’s the only way they get to learn their place...”

“I see. I take it you wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to me if I got in your way then.”

“Why would I? You may have some skills but you’re not that special.”

“Right back at you although I still don’t get what your ‘skills’ are other than being rude and willing to solve everything the wrong way.”

“Not something you really want to know.”

“What’s wrong with being curious?”

“There’s nothing wrong with it unless you forget what happened to the cat. Then, you might just reconsider.”

“Hmmm... you want to know what I think?”

“Not really, no.”

“That’s too bad because I’m going to say it, anyway. I think that you’re no different from other guys I met over the years. You’re a loudmouth because you’re a coward and so you create this barrier of offenses to offset that. You diminish others to feel good about yourself, choosing aggression over diplomacy as a power move. Fear is both a weapon and a balm to you and so you cultivate it even in the most ridiculous of situations. You called ‘Adam’ a loser just now and yet you’re the textbook definition of the word, aren’t you?”

“Okay, that’s enough!” he snarled. “Stop right now or I’ll shut you by force.”

“How?” Vanessa diligently crossed her arms and waited for his move. “Are you going to punch me? Kick me until I’m down? What are you going to do?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Right now, you. You and that fake pretense, the undeserved arrogance which you go about in the world. I see you. I see what you are and how quickly you throw anyone under the bus if it suits your short-term interests. I noticed from the start you were not a good man, unlike Adam here, and I like good men because they at least know their place. You, on the other hand, have a lot to learn.”

“Do I? And who’s going to be my teacher? You? I need no lessons from a woman who dresses like a guy, thanks. Go put on a dress and heels and go back the moment these doors open.”

“I bet you would look pretty in pink...”

“Take that back!”

“Pink maid dress (or maybe just an apron), pink varnished shoes with white socks, and pink panties covering the plastic chastity cage keeping that disgusting thing between your legs under control... Quite a vision, don’t you think?”

It was the straw that broke the angry man’s back. Timothy shifted his weight in her direction, both fists ready to destroy her without mercy. Vanessa easily dodged the first blow and sidestepped the second. Hard knuckles hit the farthest elevator wall, and he screamed in utter agony,

“FUCK!”

“That looked like it hurt,” Vanessa chuckled. “Why did you do that for?”

“Crazy bitch,” Timothy pulled himself together for round two. Despite the small space, she easily outclassed him. When his other fist crashed into the control panel, no amount of swearing was enough to contain his fury. Vanessa swept his right leg from under him and he fell at her feet, leather briefcase sprung open with over fifty-thousand dollars in cash on the inside. One glance at the odd discoloring at the edge of the bills sufficed for her to understand what was really going on.

“Your money is as fake as you, huh?” she crushed his balls with her left heel. “Bad dog! Stay down!”

“I’m not your dog.”

“You will be if I want you to, but we can do better than that, don’t you think?”

Timothy opened his mouth to howl like a rabid wolf, but the sound was cut short on his windpipe by a powerful slap. Gasping for air, he tried to remember how to move again. How? How had she bested him so easily?

“It’s easy to see what’s on your mind right now, so let me just clarify things. You were paying attention to what I said to Adam before, right? About how thoughts spin out of control? Well, everybody knows thoughts and emotions are intertwined and yours have been a mess right from the beginning. Instead of keeping calm and collected, you succumbed to your primary instinct, which is rage, and no angry decision has ever proven to be a big one. You were already off-balance when you attacked so playing with that was piece of cake. You told me a great deal of yourself from the moment you first opened your mouth, but your words were just one of the many signs you gave out. The way you breathe, every single body movement you made, that furtive shift in your eyes... even the way you attacked revealed your true nature and boy do I have some revelations for you.”

“Wh-what are y-you talk... ing about?” Timothy muttered as she continued to squish down his genitalia as if they were nothing but a nasty bug.

“It’s simple. We’ve already established you talk too much and that you’re a coward in disguise. What I wasn’t sure of before but now I am is that you’re also not a leader, despite doing your best to think you are. What distinguishes true leaders from wannabes and mere followers is how they respond when provoked. Anyone in a real position of power will not be swayed by gratuitous insults. Leaders control their emotions and their thoughts, yet all I had to do was throw a random remark or two and you lost it all... No composure, no restraint, and if I keep going with this, soon you’ll have no balls, too.”

Timothy clenched his teeth, the pain searing through the gaps and spreading through his entire body. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. No woman that had ever dared to disrespect him had stayed in one piece for long. A mask of unbridled savagery descended upon the contours of his eyes, nose, and lips.

“Sorry, but no,” Vanessa retorted as if she had already seen his every intention come to life. “You won’t lift a finger against me or seek any form of retribution for what’s happening because now that you and I both know you’re a follower, you’ll follow my voice and my instructions. You’ll also follow this,” she placed her right index finger between his eyes and gave it a little wiggle. “So... here we are in an elevator that won’t budge. Adam is drifting peacefully in his safe place, and you’re in so much pain that you can’t even move. That’s okay, my finger will do that for you. For this scenario, my finger is not that much different from an elevator in its normal state. I can make it go up... and down... up... and down... up... and down... and as I repeat this simple gesture, you’ll notice something interesting starting to happen. When we’re in pain, it’s normal for our minds to look for something that will distract us from it. Adam found his solace - whatever that may be - and now I’m showing you yours. If you follow my finger as it goes up... and down... up... and down... up... and down, your focus shifts and it’s like the pain was never here. Consciously, you’ll probably not want this, but your subconscious will choose for you. It knows pain is not something you naturally and so it will protect you with it, making your mind go up... and down... up... and down... up and down...

“The funny thing about this is that even though it’s easier for both fingers and mind to follow the same pattern, a funny thing happens when you focus intently. Sometimes, up becomes down, and down goes even deeper... My finger goes up and your mind goes down... my finger goes down, and your mind goes deeper... if it tries to go back up, the finger pulls it down, all directions becoming the same just like all thoughts as well. Slowly, the pain you were experiencing before gives way to blissful relaxation that calls to you like a gentle lover’s voice, saying it’s okay to go up... and down... up... and down... up... and down.

“Down you continue even when you think you’re up, for it matters not what the words and directions say anymore. The best part of following another is not thinking and since all your previous thoughts were wrong...

“Let them sink, let them fade... let them go up... and down... up... and down... up... and down... what was there is now gone and the emptiness comforts you. No thought, no pain... No resistance, no pain... pure white instead of dirtiness engulfing you from top to bottom. It starts down at your legs, goes up to your head, and then descends back again, each time going deeper and deeper... up... and down... up... and down... up… and down...

“And as you become completely enraptured in this cycle of cleansing happening around and within you, you finally realize you no longer need to keep your eyes open to continue following me up... and down... up... and down... up... and down... It is now a natural process with an inevitable conclusion which you’ll now come to know.

“I’m going to count you down from 5 to 0. The moment I reach 0, that will be the exact number of thoughts in your head. You’ll be a blank slate wanting nothing else than to follow and even if you try to go back up on your own, down is where you’ll find yourself, always at the bottom, never on top... you follow and obey... you must follow and obey...

“5,

“4,

“3,

“2,

“1,

“0. Blank and receptive, completely obedient.”

Timothy dropped inside her fantasy world at the exact moment a jolt of electricity set the elevator in motion once more. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect and yet there was still work to be done. Dr. Madsen allowed the piece of machinery to complete its ascent and then locked the doors on the inside so no one could get in. Counterfeit money in hand, she began creating her masterpiece of the day.

* * *

It’s unlikely that the three police officers called to the scene that day will ever forget what they saw in the elevator when they arrived. Timothy lay naked atop a pile of bills, arms pulled to the side as if crucified, four Franklins hiding his shriveled cock and balls. A message written in lipstick on his chest read:

“The money may be fake, but sadly everything between his legs is true. Have fun, boys.”

No one saw anything. No one remembered anything. No one understood why the inside of the box smelled of pepperoni and caramelized onions, either.

As for Alan, he woke up inside his vehicle, all deliveries taken care of, and a hefty tip resting between his legs. On the adjacent seat, laid a torn horoscope page where every fallible prediction had been replaced by a hopeful one:

“You’ll go wherever you wish to go when you least expect it.”

Watching his bewildered expression across the street, Dr. Vanessa Madsen smiled. Not all men were jerks and there was definitely potential in him. Pizza hadn’t been a part of her party menu until that day, but there was still time for some final adjustments. Her thirty-seventh birthday had just gotten a lot more interesting and she couldn’t wait to see how it would end.