Day 1

Okay, so this is me journaling, I guess. Let’s give it a try. God knows I tried everything else. So yes, hello future Anna: This is what happened and how I felt about it. I visited doctor Clarkson for the first time today. You’ll probably remember that, don’t you? If this actually works out, you’ll be much more familiar with him than I am now. First impression: Seems nice and eager to help. He said that I’m not the first person with test anxiety he’s been treating. 

I didn’t like the word ‘treating’. It reminds me that I have issues and for some reason, it also gave me protesting-too-much vibes. Like, he’s assuring me that he’s in fact a DOCTOR and not just some dude. 

I dunno. Maybe I just hated talking about my problems. I feel so stupid. I’m on top of everything. My grades are really good. But every time I have to take a test, I’m almost having a nervous breakdown. I thought it would be gone after a while but it’s getting worse. If this trend continues, I’ll fail by default because I can’t bring myself to attend. It was so close to happening last time. That can’t happen. I’m better than this. I have to be better than this. This isn’t me. Mental health is just health, and you can get treated. Like he said.

There aren’t going to be any big exams for almost two months, and Dr Clarkson says that’s a good thing because we can start slowly. Step one: journaling. He says it’s for me to be able to have something objective to look back to whenever I feel like nothing has changed. That seems reasonable, even if it feels like I’m just writing down stuff that I’ll remember anyway. But that’s the point, isn’t it? Memories are fallible. Maybe you’ll be reading this and think, ‘duh’ – or maybe you actually realize how far you’ve come. I hope it’s the latter. It’s a weird thought to have, but I really hope that right now I’m the embarrassing cringey version of yourself that you’re glad to have overcome.

Anyway. I’ll be seeing Dr Clarkson every Saturday afternoon from now on. Today’s session was getting to know each other and going over what he’s got planned for me. He also went over some common misconceptions, which was nice but unnecessary. I read up on everything beforehand. Next week, the ‘treatment’ proper will start, and I still feel weird about it. But I’ve tried everything else, and everything else failed. Maybe Hypnotherapy won’t.

Day 4:

Hey future me. Clarkson sent his first text today. Forgot to write about that last time. I agreed to give him my number and he said that he would send me quick tasks or exercises for me to think about. Might have been a dealbreaker, but he was actually very good about taking the pressure off and not making it sound like homework. God knows that might be counterproductive (he probably knows, too. I’m sure he practiced the wording beforehand.).

Here’s what he wrote:

‘Don’t think about therapy until our next session.’

I think he’s trying to be clever. Don’t think about pink elephants and such. But maybe also actually telling me to worry less. I obviously failed already, but I’ll try to take it at face value and not think about it. 

Update: I’ve been thinking about what he wrote all day. I know what he’s doing. He’s pointing me at my own obsessive behavior. As if I didn’t already know that I have a problem. How is this supposed to help? It’s like a paradoxical riddle that a sphynx would come up with. I’m trying to make sense of it, and it’s all i-know-that-you-know-that-I-know stuff. Every time I think I know what he’s trying to do, I have to think about if that’s what he wanted me to conclude, and if he’s actually trying something else, and if he wanted me to think that as well. 

I’ll go study. Maybe it’ll take my mind off things.

Day 8:

Hey future me. Session two was today. (Feels like it should be day seven and not day eight. Should I have started counting at zero? I think that’s called an off-by-one-error.) I confronted Dr Clarkson about his text, and he apologized. He explained what he was trying to do, and it was disappointingly surface level. Just what it said on the tin. I would have thought that he’d anticipate me overanalyzing the hell out of it. Apparently he didn’t. He said he was sorry, and actually seemed impressed by all the thoughts I had. 

Some part of me still thinks he’s lying. He’s not that naive. No way. He did this on purpose.

The rest of the session was good, though. It actually worked. Hypnosis is real. I got put under, and I barely remember anything. So weird. I was having my doubts, as you’ll probably remember. But after a good while, I was actually out. It’s a weird memory, drifting in and out of consciousness like I was half-asleep. And when I woke up, I felt really relaxed and at peace.

Dr Clarkson says that his therapy can only work if I do the work, too. Sessions with him are meant to process what I’ve been working on the week prior, and to prepare the week after. In between, he’s going to send me his little texts to get me thinking and working on myself. He promised to be more explicit about his intentions, but he also said that some exercises can only work if I don’t know what they’re for. Fair enough.

Some part of me wishes that I could have found a woman to do the therapy. It feels weird to be so defenseless in front of a man, even in that prestigious oak-paneled office of his. He seems very professional, but some part of me is still afraid he’s going to take advantage of me. I know it’s stupid. I know it doesn’t work that way. But I can’t get it out of my head. Yuck.

Anyway. Of course, that didn’t happen. I think we talked about my feelings while I was under. At least that’s what he said. He’s trying to find out what’s at the source of my anxiety, and then slowly start ‘easing it away’ as he put it, whatever that means.

Not-homework this week: Take twenty minutes every day with no phone and screen, go outside, and listen to birds ot even just my own breaths. Damn. He actually told me to touch grass.

Day 14:

Hey future me. Today’s doctor’s orders: ‘If you’re going out today, try to do something that you’ve always wanted but never had the courage to. If you’re not going out today, try going out. I want you to relax and let go. It’s a muscle, and you can train it.’

He caught me. I was going to study. I should study. I really should. The workload is so damn huge and if this therapy fails, there’s only one way to get myself to face the exams: be stupidly overprepared. So overprepared that even the neurotic part of my brain has to accept that I’ll do well.

I can’t. I just can’t. Sorry, doc. The twenty minutes every day were actually quite nice, but I can’t waste an entire evening. Future me, you’re either very welcome, or I’m very sorry for being so stupid and neurotic. Pick whatever applies.

Day 15:

Hey future me. I just came back from my Hypnotherapy session. Dr Clarkson was very understanding. But really, he better be. He can’t possibly expect me to change that quickly. What he’s telling me are just suggestions – just offers. But I’ve got to make my own pace. He’s told me as much. Obviously, he was still disappointed, but only in a shrug-and-move-on kind of way, which I very much appreciated. We had a quick talk while I was still awake about how my week went and how I felt about how I feel and so on, and then he put me under. I think it happened more quickly this time. It’s really hard to remember, but that’s Par for the course. It really does feel very relaxing and calming, like the twenty minutes I took every day, but even more so. Meditating like that I had short moments of being almost gone from the world and just experiencing stuff, but being hypnotized is that on steroids. It’s weird. I’m just gone for half an hour. Being turned off like that gives me all kinds of minor existential crises. Most of all it makes me think about how I’m nothing but my thoughts, and how ‘artificial’ reality is. All my anxieties are just self-fulfilling prophecies – or something. They’re true because I think they’re true. But they are true. But only because I believe them. Stupid brain. Why can’t knowing the problem simply fix the problem? 

Dr Clarkson said that we were still exploring my anxieties and feelings today, but he assures me that we will soon begin with the therapeutic part of his sessions. Until then he says that he could already tell that I’ve been taking the time to meditate (nice of him to call it by name. I was wondering if he was being coy about what he was telling me to do) and that I should keep doing it.

He also asked me to really try and go out like his text suggested. He reiterated on how letting go was a muscle and that training it would be good for me. He also told me that he wanted me to give myself the opportunity to do something I might regret later. He didn’t put it that way, but that was the gist of it. Maybe I’m not being very generous with my interpretation. All he told me was to have some fun and not to worry too much. Still, some part of me felt that it was inappropriate for him to suggest that, even if he’s trying to help.

I’ll try. You’ll already know if it worked, future Anna. I still have to find out.

Day 22:

Hey future me. I did it. Yay. Now I feel like hell. Session is in two hours, and I really hope this hangover will be better until then. Good job Anna. You definitely let loose. Now don’t don’t focus on the regret and focus on the part where the world didn’t end. That’s why I did this, right? To fuck up and find out that life keeps going? Does it, though? I think I might have made out with Tyler McFadden, and now I’ve got a text message from him. I can’t bring myself to read it. 

This is hell. This is actual hell. I’ve got to stop writing and take all the showers before heading out.

-

Session is over, and I feel much better. Part of it has got to be time healing all wounds, but the hypnosis really does seem to help. I always feel more relaxed and collected after, and today especially. It might be to do with the fact that Dr Clarkson started actual therapy today. I have no idea what he actually said while I was under, but he told me afterward that he used my fresh memories to connect to my anxieties and help my subconscious make more healthy connections. If that’s something he can do, this might actually lead to something. Some part of me still feels like I want to hide and live in the woods after the embarrassment of last night, but that idea definitely feels more silly now. I really feel like it’s much less of a big deal than before. So what if Tyler and I made out? So what if I embarrassed myself?

Wait, did I tell Dr Clarkson about that while I was under? That’s a horrifying thought. But on the other hand, if I can’t tell my therapist, who can I tell? 

I got no new homework. Just more meditation. Dr Clarkson says that there’s quite enough that’s been happening already, and I wholeheartedly agree. Maybe he feels guilty for what happened. I hope he does. This is all his fault after all, even if he’s trying to help.

I’ve got to study.

Day 23:

Hey future me. I checked Tyler’s text, and what the hell? It’s actually kinda nice?

‘Hey Anna. Mel gave me your number. I know what you probably think, and I’m sorry if I embarrassed you yesterday. But here’s the thing: You’re cute, and smart, and I really enjoyed talking to you. I’m sorry if I’m reading the room completely wrong but maybe we can meet again for coffee or anything if you’re up for it. I’d love that. Just let me know no matter what the answer is okay? Take care.’

I mean… what the hell? With punctuation and everything! 

I’m experiencing a lot of feelings. I hate that this is the exact thing that I should be writing down. This is everything that I don't want to have to put into words. Putting it into words makes it real. I mean, I know I can be honest with you because you’re me and you already know, but it still feels wrong to flat out say (write) it: But yes. I didn’t make out with him by accident, no matter how dumb his name is. Yes I was drunk and the whole situation is muddled in questionable consent because of that but, BUT… he’s cute, and he’s always been cute, and of course I noticed him with those eyes and those arms and that stupid smile. 

But that’s also not who I am, right? I didn’t come to college to get an affluent boyfriend that’s surprisingly nice once you get to know him and fall in love despite my better judgment only to be disappointed and vindicated at the same time once I realize that underneath there’s a third layer where he’s just as much of an asshole as the first outer layer. Yes. That’s what I’m afraid of. One of the things. 

Why, though? What am I afraid of, really? I could just give it a try. And yes, I can almost hear Dr Clarkson saying this. But that only means it’s working, isn’t it? This is what I wanted. To be less anxious. Would I have even considered this three weeks ago? Would I even have thought about the possibility of this being just a fling, no big deal, just having fun? Because that’s what I’m thinking if I'm honest with myself. What’s so bad about having some fun? We’re adults, some of us more than others. I’m allowed to want that kind of attention, am I not?

I just read my first journal entries. Damn. I was so hesitant. I remember how I felt when I started. I think I actually feel different now. That’s got to be because of what Dr Clarkson is doing. Something about that feels scary. I’m changing. I’m becoming a different person. But that’s what Dr Clarkson is always saying: I came to him because I wanted something to change. Change is good.

This might actually be working. 

Day 25:

This isn’t working. I wrote back to Tyler, and we ended up having a nice conversation via text, and we decided to meet up next sunday – but now it’s become real, and I feel like I’m going to vomit. What if he’s just playing with me? What if this is all just a big joke to him and his friends? Of course not, but I’m still having those intrusive thoughts.

I thought all day about canceling and going back on the whole think – but I won’t. Dr Clarkson told me last session that I could write to him if it was important, so I did. I asked if it was bad if I exposed myself to stress and if I should rather avoid it. He wrote back:

‘I believe you already know what you want. If you didn’t want it, you wouldn’t be asking. It must be worth it.’

So yeah, I’ll manage. Have to manage. This is part of my work. Train that muscle. Become the person you want to be. Change is good. I never really thought about my test anxiety affecting other parts of my life, but of course it is all connected. Or maybe it isn’t – maybe the therapy just can’t be targeted that narrowly. I’ll take it. If being able to function while taking tests means that I’ll be generally more easygoing, that’s the terrible, horrible, no-good fate I will just have to accept. Oh, the humanity.

It’s stopped raining. Time to touch grass. 

Day 29:

Hey future Anna. Session 5 is over. Dr Clarkson and I didn’t talk much before he put me under today. He told me that he has a more productive time speaking to me while I am under hypnosis. I had some objections, but he explained what he was going to talk about, and it really seemed like he had a point. It’s a weird question: Does therapy require the patient to remember anything about the session? That feels wrong at face value, but with regular therapy the talking is just a roundabout way of getting to the subconscious and digging up the underlying issues. What Dr Clarkson is doing is the direct approach – and it doesn’t require my conscious participation at all. But neither would surgery, or an MRI scan. 

Maybe that’s why I already feel so different after only a month. Maybe that’s why part of me still feels weird about it: It feels almost too effective, too good to be true. I’m sure that I told Dr Clarkson about my date with Tyler tomorrow while I was under, and I’m sure that he helped me feel less terrified of it. I really feel much more relaxed overall. Sure, there’s still bouts of vertigo when I think about exam week in a month, but I swear it got better. 

On a different note, it really like how immediately relaxing it feels to be put under. I mean, of course it does. Part of it is literally him telling me to relax and let go. But it’s more than that I think. I had my doubts, but the good doctor has been nothing but courteous and nice and helpful. I mean he’s still human and he tried some things that didn’t immediately work, but I always knew that he was really trying to do his best to help me. He’s really good at what he does. I trust him. He’s changed me for the better already.

Day 30

Hey future me. Guess what: I had the date, and it wasn’t terrible at all. Tyler did all the things that you could possibly want and expect. He dressed up nice, he picked a nice place, he was friendly and interested and respectful and funny and honestly quite eloquent. We held hands, and kissed, and it felt exciting and good. But still, something was off. It wasn’t bad. Not at all. There was just… something missing. But I enjoyed it anyway. I had a good time, and I think he did too. At least that’s what he told me. We spent two hours talking,and holding hands and kissing, and after that he asked me if we were going to keep doing this. 

And then I almost messed up: I told him no, and I told him why, because I’m not looking for a relationship right now, and because I feel like I have unresolved issues, and it’s not because of him. I can be so dumb. I was falling into my old patterns: Full commitment or no commitment at all. 

But I got out of it: I remembered just in time that it doesn’t have to be that way. Dr Clarkson taught me that, I think. I don’t remember of course, but it’s definitely something that feels new about me. And so I told Tyler that that doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together more casually (and I made sure that he knew what I meant), and it felt exciting and almost forbidden – but he was up for it! And once he said that he was up for it, everything felt suddenly so much simpler and easier, and there was no more reason to play coy and wait. So I just asked him if he wanted to take me home, and he did! Just like that!

It was amazing. I’m almost sure that most of it was the excitement and the novelty, but Tyler is a really passionate lover, and when he was inside of me I felt so giddy and relieved as if I’d been waiting for this for years. Maybe I did. I haven't made love to anyone since that one time with Mike back in high school, and this was so much better. Maybe I should have done this so much sooner. Maybe this is what I’ve been missing. Something primal. Something that’s as far removed from academia as possible. Just my body, and the body of someone else. No thoughts. Just instinct.

I just thought about whether Dr Clarkson had anything to do with those thoughts. That would be absurd, and ridiculously unethical, no matter if it was effective. I don’t know why I even thought about that. He would never do that. I trust him. 

Day 43

Hey future Anna. I didn't write an entry last weekend. Sorry I’ve lapsed, but it’s mostly because things have been more of the same. Gradually improving. Dr Clarkson has been sending me texts every few days, with small thought exercises and/or minor tasks. I’ve been doing them on and off as they fit my moods and schedule. After all, they’re not homework, just suggestions. And yes, I realize that means that the therapy is working, Dr Clarkson. Anna doesn’t feel like she has to do everything. Very clever.

I guess that Tyler and I are a (loose) thing now, and we still might be by the time you read this. No way we’re going to last until the end of college – but going casual feels very nice nevertheless, and honestly best for both of us. I thought from the start that he didn’t seem like the type for a serious relationship, so this suits us both. But he’s actually really nice, and good company. We went to see a movie the other day, and he introduced me to some of his nicer friends (he seems aware that not all of them have the right vibes). It feels good to be appreciated (and desired). When I think about it’s hard to believe how impossible that would have seemed at the start of the year. The sex is getting better, too. I’m really learning to let go, and it’s surprisingly exciting to let Tyler take charge. It’s something I never got when I was intimate with myself: The unexpected. Not knowing what he’s going to do to me next. Being a little bit of plaything for him. It feels naughty, but really good.

Academically, I’ve been stressing a bit less also. Instead of studying every night, I actually spent an evening with Mel or Robin. And of course, more than one evening with Tyler. It’s not just sex, either. He stayed to talk and we even studied together one time. Speaking of which, I’m obviously still doing my homework and all the studying I actually need – but I realized that going overboard like I used to is just going to feed into my anxieties. I don’t want that. I already know the syllabus. The only way I won’t ace the test is if I have a breakdown on the day, and by now that actually seems like it might not be happening. Of course I still feel some healthy pressure to perform well, but that’s normal and well… healthy.

I had my session with the doctor an hour ago and nothing particularly exciting happened except that he told me that I can call him Harry. I think that’s well enough after more than a month of being entranced and baring my deepest thoughts to him without the ability to remember. I actually feel like we’ve become surprisingly close even though I can’t remember most of the time I spent in his presence. Must be my subconscious. I’ve only known him for a while, but he’s already done so much for me. He really changed my outlook. It’s good to change. It feels good to be so much more easy-going. I really didn’t know I could be like that, but here we are – in just six weeks. Damn, Harry, well done! You can hypnotize me any time you want.

Tyler is coming over in a bit, and you know what’s going to happen. I’m already horny. But there’s also slightly bad news: I don’t think we’ll see each other that often for at least two weeks after today because even though I know my therapy’s done a lot, I am still going to have to descend into my study bunker. I’m going to miss him.

Damn! I just thought about asking Tyler to fuck me while I’m studying. Should I do that? Why not? That would be really hot. 

You’ll know how it went, future me.

Day 50:

Hey future me. I just woke up. I was out partying yesterday. What the hell am I doing? Exams are coming up and I was going to study – and just didn’t. But Mel was there, and Tyler was there, and it was so much fun, and I took Tyler home of course, and that was as great as always. But I’m feeling conflicted. There’s got to be a line when I’ll be too easy-going, right? I can’t jeopardize my future just to have a little bit more fun in my early twenties. Future Anna would hate me for that. Do you? I’m so sorry if I messed up.

I guess me writing this is a sign that there’s still anxiety left. And it was just that one night. If one night were enough to derail my academic career that would mean I wasn’t smart enough anyway. And I know that’s not true. Anyway, just writing down my thoughts before I’m going to session with Harry. Looking forward to feeling better about it. I’m sure that I’ll tell him about this under hypnosis, and he’ll know exactly what to do with it. He always knows what’s best for me. I shouldn’t worry so much. He’ll take care of it. I trust him.

-

Post-session update: Yeah, of course he made me feel better about it. He told me to read this entry again and consider why I had been wrong. I won’t erase it of course, but he’s so right. There’s no way I’ll fall behind. I’m too smart, and too disciplined for that. And even if I wasn’t, what bad things would actually happen? Grades are important, but so is living your life. Damn, I almost can’t believe I’m actually thinking that, but he’s right. I’ve been studying hard to be happy and accomplished, but would I really be more happy at the top of my field than in a nice environment that has lower pressure, lower standards and less fierce competition? I never really thought about that, but Harry must have put that idea in my head. I can’t say that it doesn’t make sense. What’s so bad about comfortably playing at the top of the second league instead of struggling in first? Not getting cum laude doesn’t make me any less smart.

He’s given me a lot to think about. It’s weird. The thoughts are there all by themselves, but I know he put them there while I was under. I don’t mind, of course. I trust him. I trust him completely.

Day 57:

Hey future me. This week I got some studying done, at last. I’m not sure it will be enough, but who cares? I’ll do fine. Session with Harry was today, and we even did one that was twice as long as usual since it’s the last one before exam week. He’s trying to make sure that I’m well-prepared, and I really think I am. Last time around, I was barely sleeping, and this time I’m sleeping with my friend-with-benefits. I might not get a hundred percent on the scores, but that’s basically the only thing that’s strictly worse. I feel better and more confident, and I’m definitely more happy. I get to actually spend time with friends and classmates instead of every minute not spent studying feeling like a fatally wasted opportunity. I really hope you agree, but I’m sure you do. This has really worked, and my life has demonstrably improved.

Harry says we should keep going even though my anxiety seems to be gone. He says that his posthypnotic suggestions might fade over time and that I need to stay in therapy for at least another few months to make sure I don’t ‘relapse’. Icky choice of words, but I get it. He’s always right anyway. I trust him. I’ll let him hypnotize me more. I’m actually looking forward to it. I really like it when he hypnotizes me. I realized that a week ago. It feels good to just let go completely and give yourself up to someone. I mean, in some weird way I give myself up for Harry even more than I do for Tyler. I’m so glad I met him and let him hypnotize me.

Day 63:

Hey future me. I made it! Exam week is over, and I felt almost entirely normal. There were some flutters here and there, but there’s just no comparison between my mental state this time and last time. Thank you Harry! Thank you so much! I can’t wait to see him tomorrow and tell him how it went. He must be so proud of me. He should be proud of himself for changing me so much for the better. I’m sure I already told him how much he means to me while I’m under. I mean, I might not write in this journal very often, but I do think about him every day. He’s done so much for me.

But anyway, exam week is over, and all of us are having a night out to celebrate. It’s 10pm and I’ll be leaving soon. Tyler hasn’t been in touch that much the last few days because we’ve both been so busy with exams, and I can’t wait to see him. Hell yes! Good times!

Day 64:

Tyler broke up with me.

Well, not really. We didn’t really have a serious thing going anyway, so he couldn’t actually break up, but fuck me it still hurts. He was nice about it of course, in that stupid rich white guy way of being nice. 

Rational Anna told him that she understands and rational Anna knows that it’s not his damn fault for finding another girl that wants something more serious and I can’t really blame him. We talked about what we were, and what we weren’t. The terms were clear. But I still want to feel angry and I want to feel betrayed! I want to be selfish and unreasonable! I liked sleeping with him! I liked how he made me feel! I liked being desired! Damn it, I liked being fucked! I don’t want to go back to masturbating to threesome videos in my dorm room. I want him to be there, inside of me, with his arms pinning me down and his mouth on my tits!

Well, I just put down the journal to get myself off, and now I feel dirty. Do you really need to know this, future Anna? Maybe not. But that’s where my mental state is at right now, and that’s the purpose of this journal I guess. So there you go. Documented.

It’s almost time for my session with Harry. Need to go. I’m sure there’s more thoughts to follow. What a week.

–

Post-session update:

I insisted on doing this session without hypnosis. We haven’t done that in a long while, and I thought that it was time for a conversation on even footing. No matter how much I trust Harry, I shudder to think about telling him about what I did just before our session. So instead, we did it the old fashioned way. He asked guiding questions, and I answered as honestly as I dared. Honestly it felt kind of lame and some part of me just wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and tell him to put me under. I know that’s more effective, and I know that he’ll help me. Next week, he’ll hypnotize me again.

That’s not to say that it wasn’t productive. He had some good insights, and gave me some tasks as always. Oh right, I haven’t really been writing about those. They’ve just become such a routine that I hardly even think about them anymore. I’ve become really good at doing what he tells me to do. It always helps, even if I only realize it after he hypnotizes me. That’s why I always do them now, even if they’re weird. 

Today they were especially weird, bordering on inappropriate. But he asked if it was alright if today’s homework was a little more personal, and I said yes. I trust him. It’s not like I’ve got that many secrets from him anymore, and we’re both adults. He knows that I have sex and that I masturbate, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone does. And it’s not like he actually told me to masturbate. He only told me that if I already happened to be masturbating, I should think about everyone I knew except Tyler.

I wasn't going to think about Tyler anyway, and Harry already knew that of course. He really knows me well. He told me that the point was not to just ignore him but to focus on how many other fish were in the sea so to speak. It’s not important who I sleep with, and it's no one’s business but my own. I can desire who I want and as many people as I want. That’s my prerogative. Honestly, now that I think about it, there are so many people I've met in my life that I could easily imagine between my legs. And Harry is right: that doesn't mean that I'm a slut. It means that I'm human, and lucky to know so many beautiful people.

So yeah, that was today’s session. I’ll finish for today and get busy doing my homework – if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know that you know. You’re me. Until next time.

Day 71:

I resisted going out partying last weekend and yesterday, but I really feel like having some fun after today’s session with Harry. He finally hypnotized me again and I feel so much better than last time when we only talked. It’s really good to be hypnotized. I like it so much.

Oh yeah, by the way: Grades came in last week, and I did fine. No A+, but nothing below a B, which obviously isn’t what I used to produce but still way above average. If you ask me (which you are) that’s more than worth it if it means that I’m not spending my weeks hyperventilating and vomiting between classes. Who cares about being top of the class? This is still one of the best colleges in the country. I’m doing great. But anyway, back to Harry:

Harry told me that he’s going to be on holiday for two weeks during the upcoming break, but after some begging he offered to see me again tomorrow(!) for a double session. He’s so nice for agreeing to hypnotize me again in such a short time. 

I’ll still go out tonight. Having a session the next day hasn’t stopped me before, and I’m sure Harry would approve of me going and possibly getting some dick. Not that ever really had that kind of hook-up before, but there’s a first time for everything. Part of me wants to get drunk tonight to loosen up. Can anyone really take advantage of me if I’m out to get laid anyway?

Damn, I’m always so horny after my sessions with Harry. Must be because I’m so relaxed.

Day 72:

Now that’s what I call a drunken hook-up. Turns out most guys don’t say no to a girl that’s obviously more than willing. I made sure that everyone saw me making obvious advances towards him. I didn’t want him to get cold feet. He still asked me how much I’d had to drink, and asked three times if I really was into it. Very cute. Very considerate. But can you please get on with it and finally fuck me? Thanks! But thankfully, he did. It felt really exciting. Holy shit, I don’t even remember if I got his name. Anna, you’re such a little slut! I would ask when you became like this, but it’s really quite obvious: Harry did this to you.

Thanks, Harry! You’re the fucking best! 

I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I really don’t give a crap anymore, and it feels amazing. I’m so happy. I feel so free!

Time for my double session, update to follow.

–

Post-session update: Nothing to report. Just a regular session, but a very good one I think. I don’t feel that different, but I feel like the wonderful changes I’ve already gone through have become more like a part of myself. This isn’t the first time that Harry asked me to reread this journal, but this time it’s really staggering to see how far I’ve come from my neurotic old self. I just realized that I’m also future Anna now when I look at those old entries. And yes, past Anna, I’m sorry to say that you were indeed a cringey piece of shit that I’m embarrassed to have been. But I say that lovingly and full of appreciation, because you were also the one to realize that you had a problem and decided to do something about it. You went to Harry and let yourself be hypnotized. You allowed yourself to be changed for the better. That took courage, and strength, and I admire you for it, and I’m so proud of you. And I know that you’re proud, too, because you’re me. We did it!

But we aren’t done. Harry says we aren’t done. We need to listen to Harry. He’s always been right. Change is good. Being changed is good. That’s what you weren’t able to understand with all your anxiety. But Harry has changed that, and opened our eyes, and he’s not even done. I can’t wait until he’s back to hypnotize me more. I really feel like I’ve actually become really good at being hypnotized. This has always been going much faster than I expected, but it feels like I’m making more and more progress with every session at an exponential rate, almost like he’s softening me up and building suggestions on top of other suggestions. And everytime he changes me, I become easier to change.

What a weird thought.

Anyway, I’ve decided to cancel my tickets back home and stay on campus during the break. Mum and dad didn’t mind. I told them I was busy studying because the last exam really kicked my ass. Of course it didn’t and it doesn’t even matter how well I did, but they still think that I’m the timid little girl that does all the after-school activities and spends all the rest of her time studying to be the best. They don’t understand how free of that I have become. They wouldn’t understand. I mustn’t tell them about Harry. I mustn’t tell them anything. I’ll just leave them in the dark. It’s not a big deal anyway. 

I think that’s everything. I’ll probably spend the days studying and the nights having some fun. I get invited to a lot more parties these days.

Day 93

Finally, finally, finally! Harry’s back! Session starts soon. Hello future Anna by the way. Yes. I haven’t been writing in three weeks, but there really hasn’t been much to report. I spent the break basically like I planned, minus some studying. I passed quite some time just meditating on campus (it’s just too nice outside!) or relaxing in my dorm while doing the mantras and exercises that Harry has sent me. It really takes my mind off the stress whenever I feel some irrational pressure about some stupid grades that don’t matter anyway. Also, I've been hooking up with some boys but thats hardly worth mentioning. I still get less sex than when I was still with Tyler.

Oh yeah, one interesting thing that did happen: Harry might be on holiday, but that doesn’t mean that he’s stopped texting me. He finally felt like our relationship was trusting enough to ask me to go a step further and start conditioning myself when he's not there to hypnotize me. It’s really just small things. Affirmations. Mantras. Thought patterns that help me change in the direction I want to change. It really helps to masturbate while I say them. Harry says that orgasm is a really good way to condition yourself. He didn’t tell me to do it, of course. He would never do that. But we’re both adults, and there’s nothing wrong with talking about something like that, and I’m more than happy to do it. Like I said: I only got laid a couple of times, so I had lots of nights when I was able and very much willing to do that instead.

I’ll probably tell Harry all about how much I’ve been jerking off to his suggestions later today when I’m hypnotized. I don’t mind. Who gives a shit what anyone thinks about me? What are they going to do? Call me a slut? So what? Fuck them. Especially if they have nice strong hands to pin me down.

–

Post session-update:

I’ve missed this so much. I had almost forgotten how relaxed and horny I feel after a session with Harry. I want to go out! I want to be taken home and bent over. I was supposed to study. There’s a test on monday, but who the hell cares? 

–

It’s evening, and I just got some new clothes. Sexy ones. No. Strike that. Slutty ones. I tried them on, and I looked so fucking good in them! I don’t want to be the one to make the moves tonight. I want to be approached. I want to be taken over and taken advantage of. Just fuck me on the toilet, or in the car. Hey future Anna, how did tonight go? Did you suck cock? Did you get bent over?

Day 94:

Its 5 am Im so drumk holy shit. What the hell is wrong with me I fucked thre dudes at the same time and I think they they filmed me why am I like this why did I like it what is going on ths isnt me this is to much I need to stop this i ne

Day 96:

Hey future Anna. As you know, I fucked up pretty badly. I’ve been calling around all day yesterday trying to get a hold of one of the guys to beg them to delete that video, but it’s too late. One of the fuckers posted it. It got taken down after a few hours, but the damage is done. I just came back from the dean’s office. Apparently, my conduct is unbecoming of a student of their institution. They didn’t kick me out, but they took away my scholarship which is basically the same thing. I can finish this semester but after that I’ll have to take a student loan. I had a long call with my parents, and it was maybe the most horrible and painful thing that I’ve ever had to do. They’re so disappointed. They don’t understand, and honestly, neither do I. I know that I fucked up. This was a wake-up-call. Harry made a mistake. He went too far. I know he meant well. It’s good to be changed. Really good. But not at all costs. There should be limits to being happy because you don’t care. Maybe Harry didn’t know how far I slipped. Maybe I presented myself as more reliable and anxious than I still was. Maybe under trance, I’m more like my old self. 

He needs to fix this. He needs to fix me. Like he did before. Change me back. Hypnotize me and give me the suggestions I need. It’s still three more days before he can see me. It feels so damn long. I need to be hypnotized.

Day 97:

Today was my first day back in class and it was hell. The way everyone looked at me made me feel like dirt. I couldn’t take it. I know that it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of me, but it's still true, isn’t it: Knowing the problem doesn’t fix the problem. Stupid brain. I excused myself from class because I couldn’t bear it. My professor seemed understanding, but that only means that she also knows about the video. Everyone knows.

I called Harry. This is an emergency.

He had also heard about what had happened, and some part of me wonders if he’s seen the video. If he did, he must understand how I feel. I hope he saw it. I hope he saw me spread my legs and get covered in cum like a whore so that he'll know how far he’s pushed me and changed me. He’s got to see that we went too far. It sure sounded like knows that he fucked up. He didn’t deny anything and apologized profusely, and promised that he’s going to do everything in his power to fix it. He has canceled all other sessions on saturday. I’ll be with him all day, hypnotized and ready to be changed. He’s going to make it right. I know he will. I have always trusted him, and he won’t fail me this time.

Day 99:

Hey future Anna. You’ll definitely remember today, but I’m still writing it down. Damn. My hands are shaking.

It was a lot of work, but we had a breakthrough today, and I’m still recovering from it. My head is spinning, and I’m so happy and relieved and it feels like that feeling will never go away. Some part of me still can’t believe it. So here’s what happened: I arrived at Harry’s office, and we had a talk about the whole situation, and he told me that I needed to be hypnotized a lot to fix it. He was right. I really did need that. Anyway, I agreed to be put under. And when I woke up (it must have been hours later), I realized that he hadn’t undone anything. He had doubled down.

Yeah. It’s actually pretty fucked up when you think about it. He went behind my back and I’m still trying to reconcile how I feel about that. On one hand you could really argue that it was unprofessional and unethical. I didn’t want this at all and it’s hard to accept that it needed to be done. But on the other hand is the truth: Harry knows what’s best for me. I need to remind myself of that. I was wrong. I should never have tried to tell him how to do his work. He's the expert and I'm not, and that's okay. I don’t understand everything, and I don’t need to. Just let others decide and accept it. What happens, happens. That’s always been my problem, hasn’t it? I was too anxious, too focussed on controlling my fate when none of us can. Harry put it really nicely: None of us are truly in control, and we can’t be happy if we don’t accept that.

And that is why today might have been the most important day of my life: I could have ruined it all and fallen back into that miserable old life. But Harry saved me. He took charge and did what needed to be done. He finally pushed me over the edge and made me understand that its best to completely relinquish control.

I miss Tyler. I know that seems like a non-sequitur, but I just had to think about how good it felt to just… let myself be used. No thoughts. No ambitions. Just desire and instinct.

Anyway, I’ll be back with Harry next week. I’ll never doubt him again. I know that. He made sure of that. He knows what’s best for me. I love what he’s done for me. He was strong when I was weak, right from the very beginning. He pushed me, and changed me, because I was too stupid to see what needed to be done. 

Speaking of things to be done, I’ve got to masturbate and think about Harry and his mantras.

Day 105:

Hey future Anna. Just a quick update at the end of the week: I’m not sure whether or not the judgmental looks and the gossiping have become fewer or if I’ve simply become better at ignoring them. After all, why should I worry about that? I simply did what most girls secretly want to do. But instead of having fun and letting go completely, they spend their time studying and attending class every day, as if getting good grades is going to make them at all a better and happier person. It’s hard to believe I used to be like them. Yikes. Sorry for that tangent. I guess these have always been pretty stream-of-consciousness. But back to the journal part: Feels like there’s less dirty looks and talk behind my back. I went back to class. It felt weird at first, but I got back in the groove pretty quickly. I still know quite a lot of the answers, but I can tell that I’ve fallen behind. Whatever. There’s been too much going on lately, and I’m beginning to wonder if any of this is even worth it at all. There’s so many cute boys in class that I’d love to take home instead of squinting into a book. They can do the learning and I can just hang around and enjoy their company. Let them rest their textbook on my back while they take me from behind, or suck their dick underneath the desk.

I went out almost every night this week. Boys aren’t biting, however. Seems my reputation has taken a dive. Fuck them, they don’t know what they’re missing. I doubt that any other girls on campus would let them fuck them as hard as I would. Fuck. I want someone inside me again! I also hung out with Mel, who seemed pretty concerned for me. I tried to explain, but she seemed completely incredulous. I didn’t mention my Hypnotherapy of course. No one must know about that. But yeah, that conversation ended awkwardly and very early. She wrote me a text afterwards, telling me that she really hopes that I’ll come around and that she’s sorry that she couldn’t reach me. That stung, but I know that she’s wrong. I’m exactly where I want to be. I’m happier than ever. I do so much meditation and mantras every day, and I’m truly more relaxed and at peace than I’ve ever been.

Session with Harry is tomorrow, and I’ve still got some conditioning to do. I’m wet already.

Day 106:

Hey future Anna. Session was good. We started active conditioning under Harry’s supervision today! It takes away time from being hypnotized, but he assures me that it’s worth it. It was a big step, but after last week’s breakthrough I won’t ever doubt anything he tells me to do. It still felt weird to strip naked in front of him, but I’m sure he saw my video like everyone else. Nothing he hadn’t seen before. We’re all adults anyway. We’re all sexual. We all have desires. Honestly, it felt kind of hot. For a moment I actually thought about asking him if he wanted to help with my conditioning, but that would take it too far. I do love him, of course, but not like that. It was just an intrusive thought. Everyone has those. And even if it happened, I could do so much worse than him. He’s handsome enough, and smart, and considerate, and he cares so much about me. Giving him my body as a reward would be so naughty – but also kind of wholesome, right? We trust each other so much, and he’s been there for me when I needed him most.

But yeah, that didn’t happen of course. He was too professional for that. He simply watched as I masturbated in front of him, and he knew just how to support me with my affirmations and mantras. It was kind of embarrassing when I came, but he just smiled, and it was okay. We’re both adults, and that kind of taboo is as artificial as the pressure to succeed at school or at your job. What’s wrong with being naked in front of someone? What’s wrong with being fine with failing out of college and just doing whatever felt good and pleasurable in your life? Nothing, that's what.

I’ve really been thinking a lot about things like that recently. This all started with test anxiety, but I’ve realized that I might have looked at my whole life the wrong way. I was only doing things because I was supposed to, not because they made me happy. But what Harry is doing to me makes me happy. I’m at peace. I’m relaxed. I’m changed. I’m better than I ever was.

Day 113:

Another week, another session. Harry let me masturbate for him again. I’ve been doing it all week by myself of course, but the time I get to do it in front of him feels special. Some old version of myself might have felt like this was a test she’d been studying hard to perform well at. But I know that stripping and getting myself off in front of Harry isn’t a test, no matter how much I have been 'practising'. It’s the opposite. I’m not supposed to do anything right. I’m just supposed to do what he tells me. Well, I guess that’s still a test in that sense, but what’s being tested isn’t my competence but my compliance. That’s reasonable. After all, he’s the expert and I’m not. I don’t know shit, and I don’t need to. I just do what I’m told, and it feels good. It’s slutty, but that’s what I am, too. I like sex. I like being naked. I like being watched. No reason to deny that. Nothing wrong with it. All I need is someone to guide me and tell me what to do.

After I came, he hypnotized me as always. Some part of me wonders what he’s even changing anymore. I’ve already become unrecognizable to myself (in the best possible way of course), and I’m not sure where he wants me to go still. But that’s not for me to ask. Harry knows what I need. He knows what to do to me, and I’ll let him do it all. Anything.

God I wish he would have taken me. I'm so fucking wet still.

Day 120:

Hey future Anna. Session starts in a bit, but I have time for a quick update beforehand: I decided to quit college. My scholarship is running out anyway, and there’s no way I’ll pass the finals with how little time I've spent in class. It’s for the best. I know what I want. I’m sure about that now. Harry has been texting me a lot, and I’ve been doing exactly like he asked, and I’m pretty sure that he knows how I feel about him. And truth be told, I think he’s been feeling the same way for a long time. I’m not stupid. He’s been changing me into a shameless slut, and his manipulations have become less and less sneaky and more and more overt. Does he think I don’t see what he’s doing? I might not be an expert, but it doesn’t take an expert to see that. He wants me. He wants to have me and fuck me. He was hard when I mastubated for him. I saw it!

I wish he would just come out and take me. Why is he being coy? Does he want me to see it for myself without being told? Why? It’s obvious that I’m his to use. I love him. I owe my life to him. Without him, I’d be a mess, neurotic and anxious and unhappy all the time. If he doesn’t fuck me today, I’ll bloody make him.

–

Post-session update: It finally happened, and it was so good! He fucked me! He finally fucked me!

And I was right. He told me: He needed to wait until I was ready to want it by myself. Such a respectful thing to say. He’s so good for me, and I can’t believe it took me so long to see that. Four months before I let him have me, when I should have spread my legs for him from the very start. Damn, I just reread my journal again. What a fucking journey. I was such a stupid stuck-up bitch. No wonder Harry needed to change me. He saw what I truly needed from the beginning.

I can’t write too much. Harry’s going to be here in a bit and pick me up. I’ve already packed my bags. I’m going to stay at his place for the foreseeable future, and he’s promised to hypnotize me a lot. I can’t really put into words how excited and grateful I am. Harry knows so much about me. He knows better than anyone what’s best for me. And now he’s going to take me in and always tell me what to do. It’s all going to be so much easier now. I don’t need to worry about anything anymore. Never again.

–

Hey, future me. It’s late at night and I’m tired from being hypnotized so much but I wanted to write this down because it’s important. Harry’s got a really nice home. I should have suspected that considering his office. But that’s not the important thing. The important thing is that I finally understand everything, and I want to put it into words to make it real.

It’s simple, really: I’ll never be happy thinking for myself. I’m best off just doing what I’m told. I owe everything to Harry. My entire life. All my happiness. That makes me his. I’m entirely his. I feel so lucky to have someone like that. Someone that I can give myself to. Someone to belong to. Someone to be owned by. Because that’s what I want to be, isn’t it? To be owned. No responsibilities, no worries. Harry explained it best: All I need to do is obey, and happiness will follow. Obedience is pleasure. 

He taught me how to make sure. It’s something I already know. I know how to condition myself. And all I need to do now is to think about how submissive I want to be while I fuck myself. I’ll become more and more happy and more and more submissive and obedient, and the more obedient I am the less thinking I will have to do and the happier I will be.

I already started. I made myself cum before I wrote this. And tomorrow, Harry will help me with it, and hypnotize me again, and make sure that I won’t ever doubt what’s best for me ever again.

I love him so much.

Day 365:

Hey look at that. No off-by-one error this time. Master isn’t in today, and I’m done cleaning and self-conditioning. Obviously, I haven’t written anything here in a while, but the anniversary of my first meeting with him seems like a nice opportunity for a final journal entry. Master Harry has let me keep this journal since it’s a nice reminder for me on how far I’ve come in accepting the truth. It’s always shocking to read the first entries and cringe at how deluded I once was. I’m so glad that I left that life behind me. I was unwell, and Master fixed me.

So yeah, it’s been quite the year. My life’s changed completely of course. I work part-time at a coffee shop now (for cover. Master can't just make me disappear), and I’m no longer sleeping around. My body belongs exclusively to Master and his friends, and part of me feels ashamed that I ever spoiled it with other men’s cocks. But it was necessary I guess, so I could understand the joy of letting myself get used. Master couldn’t have done that himself. I would have overreacted.

I obviously had a long and painful talk with my parents. They didn’t understand of course, and offered me that I could move back in with them anytime I wanted. But I told them that I liked the city, and that I had friends that I didn’t want to leave behind, which wasn’t even a lie. I’m still in contact with my old crowd, also to avoid suspicion. They’re not a huge fan of me dating an older guy, but they certainly prefer it to me whoring myself at every other frat party. Mel tried to convince me to appeal my suspension because she thinks I could do so much better, and it’s a little bit annoying – but I know she means well even if she’s completely deluded. I exist to be used. I need to be told what to do. Thinking about going back to college and trying to succeed makes me cringe. It’s not who I am. But I guess It’s not her fault that she’s too stupid to see that it’s so much easier and more fun to just have a man like Master Harry take care of them.

Other than that, there’s not much happening, thank God. Master keeps my days simple and easy to manage. No complex tasks, no big responsibilities. All I need to do is keep the house in order and offer my body. That’s easy. I’ve been well-conditioned, and doing my tasks now gives me a warm feeling of accomplishment as well as a wonderful sense of arousal. I’m pretty much always horny. It’s so good. I’m so happy. I still remember how it felt to be that stuck-up little idiot. This is so much better. All I have to do is to serve and obey my Master.

Oh right, yeah. I didn’t call him that last time I wrote an entry. But of course that’s who he is. He offered to let me call him that a couple of months ago, and it’s still kinky and exciting and it just feels correct. That’s what I always needed. A master to obey. A master to tell me what to do. A master to be used by. Someone I trust. Someone that knows best. And you know what? Every day, I feel like I understand better how little I ever mattered and how little I know. The only thing that matters is how well I serve. I owe him everything. Without him, I am nothing. It feels good to know that I will do anything to obey him and serve him. It's so easy, and it makes me happier than any other life every could. Without him, I would never have understood how happy this makes me.

I'm happy to be owned. I'm his. I'm his property. And I'm happy to let myself be used. I'm happy to be his slave.

Yes. A slave. That's the final thing that I realized about myself. It took me a long time to finally connect the dots, but I understand it now: Everything I do is done only with Master Harry's permission or by his command. I only leave the house when he tells me. He feeds me and houses me and clothes me. My paychecks go straight to Him. I am His to use in any way he pleases and I must obey everything he says. I have no agency. I have no possessions. I have no responsibility but to serve – and I am not allowed anything else.

And that's just perfect, isn't it? It's so good!

Who am I kidding, future me? I already know that you agree.