***********

I hate toast so much. It’s the perfect meal for me.

But it’s not that I have anything against whole grains.

I still feel like I’m dreaming sometimes, with how much life has improved since the Affini arrived. It doesn’t feel real. Or like I deserve it, or a myriad of other self deprecating thoughts. Eating toast helps center me so I can remember that being alive is a punishment for me, and I’ll turn to salt when I turn around and gaze at the honey-whole wheat monolith behind me.

It’s been a few months since the Affini arrived on my planet. The idea of independence always seemed relatively interesting to me, so when the domestication began, I made sure to act prim and proper to avoid it. I don’t know if it was a good choice. If anything, I think it gave my life an official expiration date. It’s only a matter of time before an Affini doctor happens across my psychiatric evaluations and realizes that me being by myself is not going to end well. That, or something unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on my mood) will happen to me.

Thankfully, against the odds, I’ve managed to stay afloat, even making an Affini friend along the way. I’m sure my cereal grain-flavored similies really entranced her.

Lilith became my best friend pretty quick. I’m still not sure why, but I’m not about to look a gift.. plant? in the mouth.

She’s floated the idea of domesticating me a few times. I still can’t imagine why she’d want me as a floret, I think she just doesn’t know me that well yet. Another excited expiration date to look forward to. She also keeps calling me ‘good girl’ and ‘darling’, which I’m not about to complain about, but it doesn’t feel genuine. Everywhere I go, all Affini call their florets or companions that.

I know the Affini don’t lie, but maybe she’s the exception. Or maybe I’m the exception, for misleading her.

************

Class As are pretty much the only thing keeping me afloat right now. I don’t know what I would do without them.

And, evidently, the stars hear me.

Just as I go to take another hit off of the inhaler, nothing comes out.

Empty.

That itself nearly drives me over the edge. Thankfully, I only live a couple blocks form an Affini doctor, and a walk would probably do me good anyways. Being cooped up inside all day with no drugs and all thoughts sounds like a very effective way of turning myself into a pillar of salt.

I throw on a top and a skirt. I’ve been up for a few hours now, just wasting away and eating toast and doing drugs, but I didn’t get dressed. Or take a shower. Or brush my teeth.

I’m doing great.

I take a look around my hab unit, which doesn’t seem that bad at a first glance. It looks nice and clean and new, barely used.

I feel like a ghost inside it.

I don’t have any posters, or any real interests other than eating toast and laying on the floor (and don’t forget about the drugs). It doesn’t feel like I can leave a mark anywhere. Looking at the walls makes me feel so.. hollow. If I just dropped off the face of the planet today, nothing would be different. Lilith might worry, but I know she would eventually forget about me.

As I open my door to leave, I hear a ding, followed by the automated voice saying “Take care, cutie!~”. I feel my heart freak out, just for a second. I know it’s automated, but hearing that makes me feel happy and angry and hurt all at the same time. I know it’s not real; the door wouldn’t say that if it were sentient, because it would know who it was talking to. But hearing someone (something?) call me a cutie makes me simultaneously happy and hurt. I love hearing it, but other than Lilith, it’s the only way I ever hear it. I don’t go outside enough for passing Affini to compliment me. If they did compliment me, I think I would lose it then and there.

All I hope is that I don’t run into Lilith. I know she’s already concerned about my stability, but seeing me like this might be the push she needs to take me in. To claim me, and make me hers.

I shake my head. There’s no point being horny for something that could never happen. Even if it did, Lilith would get bored. Someone can only play with a broken toy for so long.

The stars, in their infinite wisdom, hear me again.

Just as I’m about to cross the threshold into the Affini doctor’s workplace, I hear someone call out my name. I flinch. It’s not my birth name, but hearing me be referred to still makes my blood run cold.

It’s Lilith. I know before I turn around. I know her voice too well.

I steel myself. I love Lilith, I really do. One could even say I had a crush on her, which could possibly also be correct. But if this interaction goes poorly, I know it will lead me down a path of me eventually losing my only friend.

I feel my muscles shiver up from my core. It’s time to start the show! I feel my fake smile claw its way across my lips, and I know I’m ready. I turn around.

“Stars, Lilith! I didn’t expect to see you here!” Oh, I’m good.

“I could say the same for you, darling. I was just out and about today, but what about you?”

The ‘darling’ almost makes my words catch in my throat. “Oh, I was just headed to get some more Class As! I don’t have a doctor’s appointment, but--”

Before I finish, I feel a vine hold itself up to my lips to quiet me. “Do you mean that you don’t have an appointment with the vet, sweetheart?”

I feel the vine leave my lips, and I have to do everything in my power to keep myself from following it as it retracts. The words take a second to catch up to my ears, and when they do, I can feel myself begin to overheat. I know that Lilith is generous with her compliments and pet names, and I should be more used to it, but I never am. Lilith can evidently see me start to overheat, and her vines begin to rustle gently. She’s laughing at me. I can’t help but blush at her. The feeling only lasts a second though, as I remember that this isn’t truly real. If Lilith knew who I really was, she wouldn’t be this nice to me.

I regain my composure and respond. “Um. Yeah. The vet. Appointment. That I don’t have. For Class As.”

Smooth.

I don’t even have time to blink before Lilith is standing next to me.

She’s so close. If I wanted to, I could reach out and hold one of her vines. But she wouldn’t like that. I take another breath in and my head starts swimming. I can tell that Lilith isn’t even excreting any xenodrugs, she just smells that good. I have to snap myself out of my haze to hear her speak.

“Well, if you’re alright with it, I would love to come with you! I love spending time with you. It’s almost like the stars are guiding me to you..” She rustles again. I can feel myself start to overheat again.

We both head towards the door. It’s okay. If I play my role well, I’ll get out of of here with more drugs as well as the frail illusion of being worth the attention of my best friend.

No pressure.

Thankfully, it seems like the doctor vet isn’t too busy today. Eyes on the prize. Drugs and friend. Simple.

The Affini vet ushers Lilith and me into their office. I go to sit down, and I can feel my hands starting to sweat already. Me being at the vet is like being in the belly of the beast. I don’t know why the stars graced (??) me to be independent, but I know it’s just one wrong click through my profile before they see how broken I am.

Thankfully, everything goes smoothly. The vet assumes that I’m Lilith’s floret, which makes me blush. Lilith says something like “hopefully soon!”, but my blood is pumping through my ears too hard to hear her.

The vet brandishes another inhaler for the Class As. I can feel it, I can taste it. I made it again. Then they start speaking.

“By the way, I noticed that you were missing some medical files. I don’t know how I didn’t catch that before, my apologies. I went ahead and put in a request for them.”

My blood runs cold.

This is it. I’m out of time. I ran hard and I tried to escape it, but the whole wheat monster will never let me forget that I exist to be the stars’ masochistic idol. I can feel the blood drain from my face. This is definitely not a normal response to those words, but I can’t muster enough processing power to care. I feel my vision start to swim. This is it. This is it. This is

I don’t feel myself hit the ground.

************

I feel my head spin as I come to. What the hell happened?

I open my eyes. I’m on the couch in my hab unit, and Lilith is here, standing at the previously unused stove. Whatever she’s cooking smells divine. I probably shouldn’t let myself eat it. I haven’t earned it.

My thoughts catch up with me. I remember what the vet said. I can feel my blood run cold again, and I can’t help but curl up into a ball. The Affini’s bureaucracy is sleek and efficient. I won’t even have a day left before everyone realizes that I’m broken.

Lilith seems to sense I’m awake. She turns around and starts speaking, “Hey there sweetheart, you took a spill at the vet’s, so I decided to make you--” she cuts herself off when she realizes something’s wrong. “Sweetie, what’s the matter?” Just like that, she’s with me, holding me on the couch. I can’t bring myself to look at her.

It’s still showtime! A weak grin plays across my face. It feels poisonous. “I’m just fine! I think I might have eaten something bad earlier.”

I mentally curse. What a bad excuse, the only thing I’ve been fabricating is toast, and as far as I know, fabricators’ technology never makes an error. I feel my salt pillar timer start to run down quicker.

Lilith gives me a long gaze. “Darling, you know you can tell me anything. I will never judge you, I will never leave you. I just want you to be honest, with both me and yourself.”

It’s not enough to make me feel better, but it’s enough to give me the strength to tell her. I take a couple deep breaths.

And I accept my death with grace and dignity.

“Lilith, my medical history… doesn’t look good.”

Lilith frowns, but she doesn’t speak. I take it as a sign to keep going.

“I’ve had a few psychiatric evaluations before. They all were from different psychiatrists and stuff, but they generally agreed on the same thing: I’m fucked.” Lilith looks slightly taken aback by my language, but I can’t stop. It feels good, in a terrible way, to see her begin to hate me in real time. Even if it’s about something that hurts this bad, it still feels good to know that I’m right. “I’ve tried to kill myself a lot. Being alive just isn’t worth the pain. All I do is eat toast and lay on the fucking floor. You’re my only friend, Lilith. You’re the only one I talk to, and I now I know by the time this conversation is over, you’ll leave me too. Hell, I would leave me. I have nothing to give you. I’m a black hole. I will suck up all your attention and joy and I’ll just hate myself worse for it. I love you, Lilith. You are so kind and caring, but I don’t deserve it. You don’t really know me. Everything in my life, everything I do, every thought I have, is based around the fact that I am going to end it. I don’t deserve to live. I just take and take and take, until you have nothing left to give. You calling me darling and sweetheart and good girl makes me feel good, but it also hurts so bad to know that I lied to you. I tricked you into thinking I’m a good person. But hey, I’m being honest with both you and myself now. I have an infinite void in my heart, and you’ll get bored of me before you can even begin to fill it. I have no personality traits. I am simply a few major trauma responses in a perishable, mobile suit. I’ve gone through my life completely fucking alone, and in a weird way, it feels perfect. I deserve nothing and no one, and I’m so sorry I became friends with you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t control myself, and let you know right away that I’m fucking awful. I’m so sorry, Lilith. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. I’m just so sorry.”

I can feel my eyes start to sting.

“I’m sorry. I love you so much and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

I can’t help but sink into her vines. I can barely get the words out now. All I can feel are the sobs wracking my body.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Lilith. I’m s--”

A vine covers my lips, but it wasn’t like before, outside the vet’s. This time it feels more.. stern. More important. Lilith starts talking.

“My love… I’m so sorry I didn’t notice. However, this is the one thing you must never say. Sweetie, you do not get to decide how I feel towards you. And. as it happens, I adore you, flower.”

I feel sparks play across my mind. Lilith continues.

“Seeing you hurt this intensely makes me hurt for you. But I will never abandon you. You saying this has not altered my opinion of your character in the slightest. It is not your fault you were born with a neurological disease that breaks down your memory and self-image. However, it is my responsibility as your.. friend to help you with this. You are not a black hole, sweetheart. You never were. You have just simply been hurt, with no way to heal. You have a wound inside you, and I will help you mend it if you want me to. However, there is one condition for me to help you, flower. You have to promise that you know and accept that my love for you is boundless and limitless, and that you will never ‘tire me out’.”

I can’t tell if I’m laughing or crying now. What the fuck is happening? Why does she care so much about me? Didn’t she hear me say--

Lilith cuts my thoughts off.

“Promise me.”

I’ve never heard Lilith sound like this before. Her voice is dripping with something that sounds like a mix of the most potent love, and the most gentle absolute force. My mouth takes a brief leave of absence from my brain.

“I promise.”

Why the fuck did I say that? I can’t promise that. This isn’t how this is supposed to go. Lilith was supposed to hate me, and then as I’m laying in my hab unit alone, I kill myself. I’ll end it, and everything will be okay for everyone. Including me. This is going to make it so much worse. How did I not convince her? How am I still fooling her--

I feel a soft prick in my neck.

I can barely feel my mouth drop open as my tongue lolls out of it. I’m floating. I feel detached from anything, not in the usual way. I can barely hear Lilith’s voice. It sounds like it’s being run through water; shimmery and ethereal.

“Sweetheart, you’re having another breakdown again. I gave you some Class Es, but you should still be able to hear me. Blink if you can hear me, my love.”

I blink.

Lilith coos. “Good girl!!~ You’re so perfect and obedient. I love you.”

If I weren’t blissed right out of my ego, I would be overheating right now. Lilith continues.

“My love, I will never leave you. Why do you think I keep proposing domestication to you? I want you to be mine. I never want to let you go. You’re so precious and funny, and you’re so cute. I want to dote on you and make you know that you’re loved, and that you’re worth it.”

I want to tell Lilith that I’m already hers. I want to tell her that I’ve fantasized about it since I met her, even if I don’t want to admit it to myself. I want to tell her that I want her to hold me forever. I want to tell her that I fucking need her. I need her to live. I can’t go on without her anymore. I didn’t want to seem too needy. I wanted to prove to her that I can still be functional, and I’m not just a fucked up mess. But I don’t really care about that anymore. The floodgates opened. I turned into a pillar of salt, and I came out the other side alive. I need her to be with me. I need her.

I still can’t move my tongue, so I settle for silently crying and smiling into her vines.

Fuck toast.

*************