I was no stranger to secure magical vaults. Rory had a Class III built into their home, after all. It'd taken lots of permitting work, and normally wouldn't have even been permitted were it not for his many years of active service and his cohabitation with me... not that he knew I'd vouched for him.

Class IVs were the domain of nation state intelligence services — and even their locations were guarded with such secrecy that most criminals sought fissile material before trying to break into one.

And then there was a Class V. Only one in the world.

"The Guild's Vault," Desdemona prompts.

I thrash against the small corner of my mind over which I still have sway. It wouldn't stop what she'd done to me, but I could still influence her actions. "How do you know about the Vault, Mistress?"

The honorific is poison on my tongue, yet she says it without as much as a thought.

"Inquisitive, aren't we?" Desdemona muses.

Strange that Desdemona doesn't realize she's having this conversation with herself — that she truly believes her magic actually left a person there to speak with, instead of a empty shell using my memories and voice.

I am an ant riddled with a pathogen.

Magisorcerer Tiana is not me right now. I see through her eyes as Desdemona gently strokes my cheek, but she is not me. She feels the caress, and I wish to shudder. Tiana refuses. She melts into it.

"Sometimes those who 'join the light' then find their way to the darkness, sweet child."

"You were... one of us?" Magisorcerer Tiana asks, without my even having to urge it.

Desdemona's face darkens. "That organization... what they do to us all... It sickens me."

"Then you plan to destroy them, Mistress?"

Desdemona gives Tiana a bemused look. "Oh, heavens no. They're too useful."

Tiana's lips curl into a vicious grin. "Spectacular." I remember this version of me, too — a pale imitation of when I forced myself to not feel. When I tasted how good it would be to have Kam inside me all the time. A lie. And one Desdemona believes.

It'd be pathetic if she didn't have control.

"Speaking of... the Vault. You have access, no?"

"Yes, Mistress. They'll a reason to access it, however."

Desdemona produces a small orb and holds it out. "Taken from Trimarichus Petrochem while that useless man distracted you and Kammie."

Another flare of impotent rage boils through me.

Everything that happened to Rax, and all because she needed a distraction. If I didn't hate her before, I do now.

"You're so brilliant," Magisorcerer Tiana says.

I want to tear the Decay from my veins. Instead, Magisorcerer Tiana teleports us to the Guild. Nobody inside knows anything is amiss.

Why would they? Desdemona is in jail, and only she knows how to manipulate Decay to control people. Any safeguards related to even detecting what's going on with me are a decade out of date.

Magisorcerer Tiana makes pleasantries with everyone as she draws closer to her goal.

Carol, the vault guard, even remarks on it as she's opening the vault. "Y'know, you seem lighter today. I dunno what it is."

They like me better stripped down to the facade. Empty. Smiling. Not a care in the world.

There is no space for the real woman underneath it all. Just the mirage of joy.

Maybe I should just give in. Why bother fighting what the world seems to want of you, when all its asking is for you to be the easiest, least offensive, most digestible version of yourself?

Cut off your jagged edges.

Sever the real, beating hurt and become the ultimate illusion: someone happy.

Carol goes down easy once I'm inside. Just a single blow and she's rendered unconscious. Thankfully, Desdemona didn't specify, and my desire to not see her dead won out. Or so I'd like to think.

An unconscious body doesn't bleed, and blood is difficult to hide.

Magisorcerer Tiana waltzes, waltzes, towards her target and I wonder how much of that is Desdemona pulling the strings. Would I really be this light? This carefree? Maybe I had it right before: have the Decay freeze out all of the feelings that made me so... limited.

I ponder this as my body juggles the nullifier orb Desdemona gave her between her hands. She's toying with an artifact that could rip a hole through this entire building if touched wrong, and she doesn't even care.

It's a freedom I remember, faintly, from when I was a new Magisorcerer.

I'm jealous. Seething with it. Of everything, I didn't expect that. How lucky she is to not have to care about destroying my life, or the lives so many others. I'm not mad that she's chasing it. I wanted it myself. I'm mad she has it. I want it for myself.

I want to not care so much.

I know now why I can't turn it off, but knowing it does even less now that I'm just the single glimmer of my real self — the self that doesn't love that Desdemona did this to her. Whose every "thought", if you can call it that, floods with how wonderful her Mistress is.

If I have a Mistress at all, it's Kam.

She's so much more than that, though. I love her. Even without feeling her, I love her. It crushes me that I can't be with her, and even more so that I know Desdemona won't let her be.

I watch myself use the nullifier orb to cut through the detection magic.

She slices through it so effortlessly, without a thought as to the repercussions. Lucky. She's lucky. God, I hate her so much.

Why can't I be her and still be... me? I want to get better. I want to be better. It's all I've ever wanted ever since I realized I was broken inside.

A fresh pang of guilt stabs me as her hand closes around Desdemona's prize. My wishes mean nothing, and I'm worse than scum for thinking about myself when Desdemona's looting that from here. If she really was one of us, then giving her access to The First Resonator means the apocalypse.

It's a wellspring of power. Undiluted. Uncontrolled. Tapping right into the aether that underpins the world. In the wrong hands, for the wrong purposes, there's no end to the horrible things she could do.

Tiana's legs clench at the betrayal, and she stifles a moan.

Is that me? Do I want that, secretly, and that's why I went to visit Desdemona? Or is this more of Desdemona's will pushing itself into my body?

God, is that really why I pushed to make Kam famous? Not out of spite, but because — if I was honest — betraying her would get me off?

I can't shake how unsettling it is, feeling sickened and aroused and wanting desperately to do anything but be here. Be present.

Maybe I should give in.

I could stop thinking.

I could never come back up for air.

The world would lose me, but I wouldn't hurt.

Oblivion. It'd be so—

"Tiana?"

Essa calls out to Tiana, and I panic. We're almost out. Almost clear. But then I calm myself. Essa won't notice. Nobody else noticed that there was anything wrong.

"Hey, Essa! What's up?" Tiana chirps.

Essa draws closer, her brow furrowing. "Are you okay?"

Tiana shakes her head. "Yeah! Why?"

"You just seem..." Essa dismisses the thought. "Anyway, I'm glad you're here and I caught you. I know you're busy, but your physical's coming up."

"Oh! Yeah, sure! Can we schedule something for next week?"

Essa's gaze stays fixed on Tiana. "Why not now? I'm free and it'll only a few minutes."

Her voice is light and airy, except despite being phrased as a suggestion Essa's words are anything but. They're a command.

I'm happy she's not letting it go. Of everyone, Essa is the one person who seemed to care. But Essa isn't powerful when it comes to combat. She's a healer at heart.

So she doesn't fight against Tiana, even as as I feel Tiana's body tense and ready for conflict. She heals. It's not the expulsion incantation, but it's effect is similar. A cleansing spell against outside influence.

I'm back in my body. Back in control. Back to the surface.

"Essa..." I pant, feeling Desdemona's corruption squirming under my skin. It doesn't want to let me go. And I won't have much time. "I've been compromised. You have to... to warn them all. It's... D... D..."

I can't form her name. I can feel it, shape it in my mind, but it won't go further.

Then I'm hit with a rush of feelings that push everything else aside. A lifeline to the one person who might be able to stop me from what Desdemona will have me do to Essa for this. I can feel it happening. I can't stop it.

Not too long from now, Magisorcerer Tiana will kill Essa.

It won't be quick and it won't be painless because Mistress wouldn't want that. She wouldn't have me go easy. And I'll enjoy it. I'll get off on every moment of it. I don't know that I'd ever be able to come back from it.

It'd kill me surer than a bullet to do this.

Any moment, I'm going to die.

So I beg. I open my heart to Kam and beg for her to stop me.