Kam leads up me up the stairwell, and my eyes fall to the way the paint on the walls is just about to peel. I pass by the telltale swell of bubbles, and cracks that spider outward.

I told her that we don't need to do this, but Kam thinks it's necessary. She wants honesty, and honesty includes Lis.

I don't know that I have the stomach for it. I've only really met the woman once, and the circumstances were less than ideal. What do you say to the girl who your then-former hookup hooked up with after getting speed-ejected from your then-former hookup's tail and splattered with said girl's cum?

I guess I'm about to find out. Kam can surely sense my nervousness because she tenses her tail — wrapped around my throat — to give me a reassuring squeeze. In the past few days, we've learned a bit more about how to manage the me that exists like this. The improvised collar and leash helps.

It's not as good as being inside her. Nothing compares to that, but... this helps quiet things. It doesn't turn off everything the way getting violated where nobody can hear me does. Instead, the volume lowers dramatically. The bad thoughts whisper, instead of shouting, and it's close to peace.

Peace-adjacent is as close as I get.

Kam knocks on the door, and I cast a glance back at the soon-to-be cracked and peeling paint of the wall. It's a dingy gray, and I notice now that there's smudges of oil from where someone's hand had pressed against it.

"Just a sec!" Lis says from within.

The door swings open to reveal a woman with midnight black fur and feline features. I'd not noticed before — Kam holding a singular sort of sway — but looking at her? She's beautiful. Genuinely, utterly gorgeous. I see now why the two of them fucked.

Kam could have anyone she wanted.

So why me?

"C'mon in!" Lis waves us into her apartment. Her eyes didn't even linger on my neck as she did her once-over of me, and I consider how different that is to every single person in my life that I'd count a friend. None of them would get it, but Lis acts like it's all okay. Like this is all... normal.

"Your walls are about to peel," I interject as we're taking our seats. I almost offer to help, but instead I settle on "Just wanted you to know." It comes out wrong, with an edge I didn't intend, and Lis arches an eyebrow. "Sorry," I supply sheepishly.

"Tiana, meet Lis," Kam offers. "Lis, Tiana."

Lis gives a polite wave. "Hey. It's nice to see you again." She says it without any hint of malice, like it genuinely is nice — despite how we last met and how much of an awful person I was just then. It makes me wanna leave, but then I remember Kam's tail as she squeezes again.

It's a soft squeeze, not hard enough or prolonged enough to physiologically cause the calming fuzziness that overtakes my mind. Just knowing that she's there, and can feel when I start to spiral, helps. It grounds me in the present moment. This is something Lis does notice.

"I see..." she says, leaning forward. "Tell me more about that." She gestures to my 'collar'. I withdraw a bit, and spare a glance to Kam even as I feel her offering up sympathetic reassurance that this is fine. Kam nods. So I trust her.

"I, um... I don't know how much Kam told you..."

Lis lets out a little chuckle. "You mean she didn't tell you about the phone call? 'Oh my god, Tiana's got my Decay in her and we can feel each other'?"

"No, I just..." I shift a little next to Kam. "She mentioned there was a phone call, but she didn't mention how in depth you two went."

Lis nods, taking in my words before she replies. "I know a lot of the basics, but... The particulars? Not exactly something I'm familiar with."

I reach up and stroke along where Kam's tail coils around my throat. "It calms me. It's not as good as being in her, but it helps."

"Helps with what?"

"I um..." I look to Kam again, and my mind goes back to the paint on the walls outside, and there's an itch to teleport away and spend money on a few buckets. I almost ask if she has a preference in color. I almost do it.

And then I feel bad. Shame compounds on shame. Kam gives me another squeeze.

Whatever's going on with me calms just a bit. Not enough to make the pain of it go away, but it's not so insistent. I'm not quite the embarrassment that I'm sure I'm being right now for Kam.

I know she doesn't feel that way. I know it, but I feel it anyway for the both of us.

"It's okay, you can tell Lis. She's... well, she's as close to a therapist as a lot of us are able to get," Kam says.

I regard Lis, who shrugs. "I've got more training on psychology than most people with practices and literally have magical powers, but that's not enough in this world."

"Is that why you run a bar?" I ask.

"Nah," Lis says. "Won the deed in a bar fight."

"Oh..."

Lis breaks out into a wide smile. "I'm fucking with you. Yeah, I started the bar because we needed a space and nobody would much mind us drinking ourselves to death. Plus, y'know... good with the advice."

"That must be a lot. People always wanting things, needing things from you. I know for me it's... tiring."

Lis' smile doesn't falter. "It's a calling, for sure, but it means that I have a community. It's selfish in some ways, too. People without community are the ones that struggle the most."

She doesn't mean for the words to hurt. I know this. I know she's not talking about me, but hearing her say it reminds me how isolated I am. How I don't have anyone to talk to about this in my life.

I must not be doing a good enough job of hiding my emotions because Lis asks if I'm okay.

I wince. I hate this. I hate how awkward I am. I hate that I'm here. I hate that every moment I'm around people I am poisoning them with how awful I am at being pleasant and nice and—

"Sorry, Lis. Gimme a sec," Kam says. I barely register it, except she's slipping her tail free from my neck.

My panic lasts only a moment before she envelops me. I feel tendrils slip up into my nostrils, and then slide into my windpipe. We've been working on this, too. Another half-measure to Kam taking me all the way.

From Lis' perspective, Kam's tail's taken me up to the waist.

It's not everything, but it's better than the collar. I feel good in here. Warm and safe. I don't even have to breathe. Kam and Lis are continuing to talk. I can't hear what they're saying. I don't need to when I'm like this, though.

I'm just... better like this. Better when I can turn off.

I feel myself relax and surrender to it. I don't know how long I'm in there, but eventually the warmth goes away. I'm back in the world. I blink, and my eyes have to adjust to how bright it is even in this apartment.

I'm calmer, though, and that's good. Kam coils her tail around my neck again.

I give it a gentle rub. "Thanks."

"Feeling better?" Kam asks.

"Yeah." I turn to Lis. "Sorry, I know that must seem... a lot."

"I've seen weirder," Lis says with a placating wave. "But Kam and I were talking, and... I think I know what's going on."

My heart beats faster. "You do?"

Lis nods her head. "Yeah. Kam told me a bit about what it feels like. What you're feeling, I mean, and... I'm surer about this than I have been about most things."

"So you can fix it? The Decay, I mean?"

Lis shakes her head. "No. The Decay isn't what's causing you distress."

"Then, what...?"

Lis sucks in a deep breath, then sighs. "Do you know what Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is?"