I hate pinball right now.

It's my favorite thing in this world, and I hate it right now because I'm losing at it. And yeah, I'm a little toasty. My head sways with a wave of alcohol-induced vertigo.

More than a little toasty.

Whatever. I'm allowed to be drunk playing pinball.

I deserve it.

I deserve to get to be able to yell all the ball for not bouncing exactly the way I need it to, because how the fuck does it not hit the triple point score? How does it glide exactly past the add-a-ball and the multi-combo kickout hole?

Why does it drop between the flippers and end the game?

"Kam..." Rax's voice filters in over the far-too-fucking-jaunty "game over" jingle.

"Don't wanna talk right now, Rax. 'm locked in," I say, fumbling in my pocket for some more quarters. My manual dexterity's not the best, though, and they spill from my pocket onto the sticky bar floor.

I sigh, and slump my face against the glass. "Yeah?" I mumble, staring through the whiskey-laden fog my breath's created at the triple point score. I can't look at him right now.

I know I look pathetic.

I am pathetic.

I'm at Lisette's, drunk off my ass at 2 in the afternoon, skipping work.

I thought I'd broken things before this, but no... This hurts so much worse.

I can't even summon the energy to get myself out of bed most days since I broke up with her.

"You gotta stop skipping work," Rax says. "I talked to Freddy, and he's sympathetic but—"

I shrug limply. "What's the point?"

"Well, for one thing... You can afford a lot more games of pinball when you're gainfully employed."

"Hate pinball," I say petulantly, even though the thought of being able to play more pinball makes me grasp the cabinet tighter.

Rax peels me off the glass, and pulls me upright. "Nah, you don't."

He rests his hands on my shoulders to steady me. "You just hate losing. C'mon, let's get you home and get you showered."

I'm too sad and drunk to protest, though he helps me grab the few dollars in quarters off the floor before we go.

"Maybe we'll give these a rinse, too," he says.

The headache hits me after I'm nice and clean — and somewhat damp from the poor job toweling myself off that I did. I loll my head back on the couch, arms spreading out wide.

"Rax, why am I such a fuck-up?"

"You're not, Kam. You're really not."

"Then why's it feel this way?"

"Because it's a shitty situation. But I'm proud of you. I've not been prouder of you ever."

"Not even when I came out?"

"Kam, I've knew you were a girl since we were kids."

"Yeah, but five-year-old you was all—" I pantomime a shocked face. Rax doesn't say anything for a moment.

"I already knew."

"Bullshit!"

"You just gave off a distinctly feminine energy! That face was me wondering if my psychic powers had started coming in!"

"Ass," I swat at his arm with my tail, but there's no anger behind the words.

"Thanks," I say.

"For?"

"For being the best friend a girl could have."

There's a knock at the door. I start to get up, but Rax tells me to sit. "You stay there, I'll get it."

He wanders away and I doze off. In my dream, I'm back on my home world. I dream of my partner. We've got more than we'd ever need, and all our friends have rooms in our home.

Tiana's there, too.

I see her staring at me, stalking me from room to room as the dream continues. She shouldn't be here. She's not a friend.

It's enough to get me to wake up. Rax is there. So is— "Lis?" I mumble, blinking.

"Yeah," comes Lisette's gruff voice, shrugging.

"It's now Virgin Drink Night," Rax says.

"You don't have to keep me company," I grouse. "Feels like pity." My mind's still back on the dream. Still back on the way she looked at me: dangerous, controlling. Everything in the dream's fading already except for that.

"Yeah, this has very little to do with you," Lis says, downing her drink.

Lis points to Rax. "Another?"

Rax looks at his. "Nah, I'm still nursing mine, but get Kam here one."

Lis gives a quick salute with just her middle and pointer finger and heads off to the kitchen.

"Virgin Drink Night is a 'no-skip' event for her and I," Rax says when I shoot him a quizzical look.

I spend the rest of my night marveling at how decent everything Lis has either sourced or mixed tastes without the alcohol.

We play games.

When Lisette finally calls it a night, I'm feeling so much better. I barely feel the looming specter of Tiana from my dream, watching over me like she's here.

Rax hangs around for a while after, until it's late. Only then does he bring it up: the thing we've both not wanted to talk about since my break-up with Tiana.

"Do you think she'll still speak against Desdemona getting released?" I'm glad he asks it, even if he looks pained to have brought it up.

"I dunno. This whole time, I thought I knew her, but..." I shake my head, and then shrug. I'm not sure what the hell the end of that sentence would've been anyway.

"Yeah." Thankfully, it's Rax — so he gets it. Layered in all the guilt and feeling like I failed Tiana is just... confusion at it all.

"Anyway, get some sleep," Rax says, standing. "Freddy's expecting you tomorrow."

I nod. It's the best I can do. Rax heads for the door, but sees me unable to get myself off the couch. He sighs.

"Y'know what? It's late. Can I crash on your couch?"

Bastard. He knows it'll get me up. I agree.

I sleep better knowing he's there. My apartment isn't massive, but I feel less alone. It's good to have him around, and he helps defray whatever knot of tension was still left by that dream.

It only takes a half hour worried I'm seeing shapes flitting in the dark before I finally get some rest.