she was just supposed to be reading a biology textbook. could she really not even do that? her heart pounded, waves of nausea shot through her body, and even when she tried to take deep breaths, it felt like she couldn't get enough air. her hands were numb and tingly.

but even as the panic set in, she tried to stay completely still, to continue staring at the page, to pretend she was still reading it. her friend was across the table. there were other people in the room. the last thing she wanted to do was make a scene or get everyone's attention. she would have to just ride it out like she always did. no matter how much she felt like she was dying. no matter how tight her chest was. no matter how strong and sudden the vertigo was. she probably was alright. she probably wasn't dying. probably.

her friend looked up at her, and her eyes went right back down to the book. why were they looking? did they notice? of course they didn't notice. now she had to worry about their gaze, too. she could hide lots of things from people who didn't pay attention or care. but they were always studying people. especially her.

"what are you reading?" they asked in a low voice, fairly monotone.

she couldn't even answer. the words wouldn't come out. even if they did, she was sure that her voice would shake or she would start crying, which would feel even worse than just sitting there silently like an idiot.

they just stared for a moment, before reaching across the table and sliding the textbook away from her, turning it around to read it themself.

"...what are you doing?" she asked, her voice barely coming out. "i was studying..."

"heart stuff, huh." they flipped through a few pages. "i get it."

"i have a biology quiz coming up."

"now really isn't the time to be reading this."

"what do you mean?"

"you were already having a bad day."

"i need to study..."

"no, come on. i know how you are. you read about heart disease and now you feel like you're having a heart attack, don't you?"

"that doesn't mean i can just--"

"you're not going to learn anything if you can't calm down. it's alright. i'm not gonna make you do that breathing exercise you hate or anything. i'm just gonna talk." they closed the book. "come on. look at me. you can just stare."

"what?"

"just for a minute. if you hate it you can stop. don't worry about the eye contact being weird. i don't care. you don't have to think about it. just look. i'm telling you to."

it was so bizarre that she couldn't help but listen. her body was still tense, but the sense of urgency she had was starting to deflate.

"good. just listen to me, alright?" their voice still sounded natural and casual.

she nodded. she thought she didn't want to be comforted, but whatever they were doing didn't feel like the robotic scripted responses she got from helplines, or the awkward uncomfortable responses she used to get from her other friends, or even the attempts her relatives had made to comfort her, which she never felt like she could trust.

"it really felt like it was happening when you read it, didn't it? and i bet you feel like there's no way to know if it's just anxiety or not. but i think i know what's happening with you." they leaned in a bit closer and smirked. "it might be scary in its own way, though. you sure you want to know?"

they were messing with her. why did that actually make her feel better? somehow, her lips were almost curling into a smile, even despite her anxiety and exhaustion. "what is it? what do you mean it's scary?"

"well, you felt the stuff you were reading, didn't you? i mean, your actual physical body responded just because of some words on a page. that's happened to you before, too, hasn't it?"

"i guess so... with other health stuff."

"from what i know, you're pretty healthy. you should be a little more worried about your suggestibility."

"...what?"

"you think that suggestibility only applies to stuff that gives you health anxiety?"

"what else would it apply to? it happens because i get anxious."

"you sure sound confident about that. that's interesting. i thought you thought you were dying."

"i still feel like i am, i just- i mean- this happens to me a lot, so i just..."

"so you feel it even when you know it isn't happening. even when you know it's ridiculous."

"of course i do... you already know that..."

"i'm not making fun of you. that's just natural. in fact, it's a good thing. or, it could be."

"what are you even talking about?!"

"see, everyone's been going about all of this the wrong way, haven't they? no one understands how impossible it is to control. and they think pretending like you can just control it will make you really believe it. but of course it won't. it is impossible."

she almost laughed. "are you even trying to help? you're- like- isn't that bad?"

"it doesn't mean you can't feel better or calm down or anything. i'm not saying your anxiety is unstoppable. just that you don't have control over it, and you're not going to."

"then what are you saying the answer is? you're not just going to fix this, you're... i mean you're not a therapist or anything. should you really be messing with this?"

"maybe i shouldn't. what do you think of that? you really want to talk with me about this right now, while you're vulnerable and suggestible? you might just listen to anything i say, even if you don't really believe it. and you might not be able to get it out of your head. that's pretty dangerous, isn't it? you wouldn't have any control over it."

"what would you even try to make me believe? you're always joking with me and trying to trick me anyway."

their smile widened. "you know what? don't worry about it. it really isn't a big deal, is it? of course i couldn't do something like that. i just think, maybe next time when you're reading about some symptoms of some disease or whatever, you might end up really focusing on how deeply convinced you can be of something that obviously isn't happening. especially when you're scared or embarrassed."

"i already notice that..."

"good. that's right. and you'd probably feel anything i said to you if i made it scary or embarrassing enough, too."

"you're always embarrassing..."

"if i told you right now that you feel heavy and tired, that it's getting harder and harder to move, do you think anyone glancing over at us would be able to tell?"

"what?"

"you've really been staring a lot this whole time, too. i bet anyone who saw was thinking it's weird how intense our eye contact is here. is it getting hard to look away?"

she hadn't even thought about it before. why did she just keep looking, just because they told her to? it hadn't felt like anything before, but now their gaze burned into her eyes, and she was a little worried about whether anyone saw.

for some reason, she kept looking. "i guess, like... when i feel awkward i don't know where i'm supposed to look... and with eye contact, i don't know how long i'm supposed to look... but i just... got used to it... maybe that's weirder than looking around everywhere, though, but..."

"but you can't look away."

why did it really feel like she couldn't? "i- i'm pretty sure i could, i'm just... when i get awkward, i just..."

"come on. think about how you want to look at anything else. how it's weird that you've been staring. how you usually want to hide your face, but you've been looking straight at me, letting me look right at you. your eyes won't move."

it did make her feel kind of exposed. not just the eye contact, but the way they were describing all of this. it was like how when she couldn't talk, she would just keep thinking and thinking about how she should say something, and it just wouldn't come out, even though she knew she was being weird and rude and making people worry.

it was that easy? these were things that just happened to her randomly, but her friend could make them happen?

"see? you can't look away. that's right. you're so susceptible to stuff like this. it's embarrassing, isn't it?"

a shiver ran down her spine. what was this situation? it was weird, because it was so similar to things she genuinely hated, to her embarrassment and fear, but it wasn't really the same. it was... exciting?

"i bet this kind of control is stronger than your anxiety. i mean, your anxiety just happens. you're just reading symptoms. it's not directed at you or meant to make you feel them. i'm doing it on purpose. i know you. you think there's any way you can resist that?"

when did these ridiculous things they were saying become so believable? how was she even supposed to respond to any of it?

"especially when you're so tired. so sleepy. so confused. so weak. isn't it easier to just do what i say right now? you don't have to think about anything. you can just relax."

she could feel her own stare becoming blank, some of her tension leaving her body all on its own. sleepy? were they hypnotizing her?

"deep breaths, in and out. good. that's right. good girl."

good girl???????

normally she would have said something, she would have reacted, she would have asked them why they said that, what they were doing. but she just sat there, breathing slowly, looking into their eyes.

"just remember this. remember how easy this was. remember how real it felt. your anxiety is out of your control. but this is out of your control, too. and it's stronger. that tiredness. that blankness. the embarrassment over how deep you can sink. maybe you'll wish you could just keep being anxious, keep panicking, keep hiding. maybe you just want to wallow in it. but you can't. you have to talk to me about it. or if you can't do that, you have to just stare ahead at something for a while, feeling that weird sensation in your head, feeling that blankness and relaxation run through your body all on its own. it'll only get stronger every time. you'll only get more open, more vulnerable. nod for me if you understand."

her head moved without her really trying.

"you know that i'm just making it sound scarier and more intense to appeal to you, too."

she nodded again.

"good. very good. i'll have to do a few real sessions with you sometime. you can wake up now."

she blinked. "what do you mean, wake up? and sessions of what?"

"hypnosis."

her eyes flicked down to the table. "you're crazy."

"you're right. now you know what you should really be worried about, don't you?"

"i should be worried about you."

"i'm scarier than this textbook, right?"

"well, you're not scarier than dying of a heart attack, but..."

"but i'm inevitable, and that isn't."

she laughed, still avoiding eye contact. she wondered if she should just find another book to read.

her friend was... really nice. she had never felt so comforted when she was panicking before, even though none of the things they said were things she'd ever think would be appropriate for that kind of situation.

"...thank you."

"thanking me for mind controlling you and humiliating you?"

"you really helped me."

"well, it wasn't hard. i'll figure out more stuff you can do on your own or ask other people to do."

"thank you..."

she looked back up.

"but you called me 'good girl' earlier."

"i did."

"...why?"

"i thought it'd be embarrassing. was it too much?"

"...i guess not."

"then why are you bringing it up? you like it?"

there was nothing to do except hide behind her hands. "let's not talk about this right now..."