Holding on wasn’t easy, especially when boredom was my worst enemy. Just convincing myself that something would happen, especially when Alaina came home—I would look at the door with a few hopes in my body, certain that someone else would appear. Of course, I wasn’t sure what my feelings exactly were, but those were always complicated against my… best friend. But Alaina was always the one who came home, and the first thing she did was always coming to me, before she then would gently hold me against her body and saying she was home with a soft voice.

If I had my body still, I was certain I would be fully relaxed, just leaning against Alaina whenever she did that. The only thing I could do was just letting myself be immersed within the warmth enveloping me, all from Alaina’s touch. Reminding and telling me that she was the only one that allowed me to feel, that I wasn’t merely a toy.

It was scary to be alone too, my mind somehow slowing as time passed me by without my knowledge. Just sitting there on the plank, and as ennui blanketed me like an old friend—time would pass. Before I knew it, Alaina was opening the door, her smile making me happier despite without heart to beat faster. Slowly, I found myself always looking forward to when Alaina would be there.

She brightened the room. The sun of the past few days, the one who left me feeling comfortable whenever she was there—whether it was because of her touch, or because she was wonderful, I had no idea. But the more time passed, the easier it was to just look forward to her being there.

After all, she was still the same, still supporting me even if I was a doll and no longer human. She merely cared for me differently, like taking a brush to gently pass through the parts of mine that could be called hair. Not like they could be tangled much, considering she combed through them everyday, but it was the thought that counted.

Today was another of those days, with Alaina having finished her shower and bath. The ends of her long hair were still a little wet in my eyes, but she was lying on the bed right now, comfortable and full of grins. I wasn’t held against her body, but she was gently grooming my hair again. The comb’s teeth were digging on my scalp, and I found myself just enjoying the feeling.

I was tired. There weren’t much time I could just let myself go, relax and not think or wonder what was happening outside the four walls I found myself stuck in. Brushing time was the few times I could, just letting my mind stop again, but this time with the soothing feeling of Alaina against me.

Because, even if I found myself barely realizing how much time passed when Alaina’s asleep and letting me stay alone on the shelf, or whenever she left me here—the burden was somehow still there. A ton of iron, just pressing down on me from my head. Whispers of how I needed to find a way to be free, to just not let myself relax in the hold of Alaina… They were constant.

But Alaina shut those words up, and I craved it. I didn’t want to constantly worry and thinking of a way. In some ways, that was worse than when I was in my work, after all. But while there were always a way there, with Alaina there were nothing.

I was unable to move, after all. Despite my attempts, the constant try so I wouldn’t end up with my mind telling me how useless and how quick to give up I was—not a single twitch happened. Not unless I counted the one on my mouth, but I never managed to scream. The loudest I could go was merely as loud as a person talking, and I didn’t think anyone could hear that.

“Elys.” Alaina’s voice wasn’t sudden, but I still jerked slightly in surprise—not literally, but metaphorically. “I had some ideas on what you’re thinking, you know? Have you even given my offer a thought, instead of holding onto a misplaced hope?”

Of course, Alaina’s words and tones were gentle, always sounding so reasonable and making so much sense. Always, even if I didn’t wish her to be.

“Can anyone even think of hope as something rational?” I couldn’t help but be sharp, a bit of anger coloring my own remarks. “Maybe you are doing this for my happiness, but…”

If I let the words out, then I would be making it even more real. I was still trying and hoping that everything wasn’t real, that perhaps I would one day open my eyes and finding my familiar ceiling in front of my eyes. The crisscross of wood painted white on top, with air bubbles still trapped underneath if I looked closer. But this never happened, and I knew I was being unreasonable in this point.

Alaina had been terribly patient with me, listening and just gently taking care of me. But now it seemed I had reached the end line, and I found worry nipping in the back of my head. Not as horrible as when I was within my flesh body, but the simulated feelings formed from my own mind were enough anxiety.

“Sssh, sssh. It’s okay. I know my methods aren’t the best in a few people’s eyes… but any other way, and you’ll find a way to drive yourself deeper into a rut.” She squeezed me, and despite the fact that the action would probably crack a few bones when I was normal—In my current form, all I felt was a reassuring hold. As if she was telling me that she was there, keeping me secure. “This way, you had no other choice but to relax, and let your worries go. After all, there’s nothing you can do for now.”

But my anxiety still surrounded me, filling my mind every hour of the day. I wanted to retort her so badly—and yet, there weren’t much I could say here, because the latter part was true. I couldn’t do anything, except wait and tell Alaina my answer to her question from before. Those were the extent I could affect things, and… wasn’t that relieving?

I didn’t want to really form the thought in my mind, but I knew some part of me was happy that there wasn’t any responsibilities I had to handle anymore. Nothing about those documents or reports I had to give to my higher ups, telling the trainees about what they needed to do next—or, if I wasn’t pondering about my job’s responsibilities, I also didn’t have to think about taxes or bills to pay.

Everything in exchange for Alaina—and wasn’t that a worthy exchange? After all, she did all of these for my own happiness as well, and that was the crux of everything. I just needed to care and worry about her, and that was something I had already done without these anyway. This just turned her into my priority, the biggest of all. Everything else could be put to the wayside, and that would be fine.

We were silent for a few moments, just me still seeking for all the warmth and soothing that always came from Alaina, and her continuing her grooming of me. Surely my fake hair would already be in a much better condition now, but she still continued.

“It will be unfair of me to keep this news, but…” Alaina trailed off, worry leaking into her words, even as a few hopes started to enter mine. “Your workplace has, surprisingly, placed a missing person report for you. Of course, now whether the police can find anything about me is a good question.”

She certainly smiled here, not her smug ones, but more of her certainty of her superiority. Because… what could they tie to her? I didn’t think they could even land on the conclusion that I had been turned into a doll and now living in her own space. They could rummage through the whole house and found nothing—because that was how it was with me as well. I had come to her place a few times, not often enough since she always preferred coming to my place. But there was never anything nefarious when I looked around.

In fact, the way she nearly left the place bare of any sort of decoration could be swung in either’s favor. That she was about to run off and escape, or that she was just too busy to even consider that. And with how good Alaina was at talking… well, she would find it easy to turn it to the latter.

A part of me, of course, couldn’t help but worry about the possibility of Alaina being caught—and I wasn’t sure if it was because then I wouldn’t have a way to become human again, or that Alaina would suffer for a while. Because I was sure that she could find her way out of jail, but she would still find her name be dragged through the mud, and that wasn’t something I would ever wish for her.

My mouth opened for a moment, the worry about to spill out—before I slammed my mouth shut again, not wanting to show my care was still there. Maybe in the future. Just… not now, when I was still reeling over everything she had done.

“Okay.” Was the only word I could say, the hope all strangled out of it. I wouldn’t let Alaina knew that I was hoping for it, even if it seemed like she understood me well enough that she stopped her combing gently, turning it toward a petting. Her fingers were much better, despite the fact a comb should have handled my new hair better.

Didn’t matter. I let my mind relax against her ministrations, certain that the chance of me being rescued one way or another was still possible.

If the police wasn’t a possible avenue, maybe Alaina would become bored. I wasn’t being a great conversationalist here. A little hard to be when there weren’t many things happening, or I could even do.

I ignored the fact that Alaina was almost never bored when it came to me. Just staying in front of our own essays and homework, doing our own thing, not a word coming from the two of us to tell the other—that was enough.

Because I was finding myself wanting Alaina to be there too, that life was worse when she wasn’t there—and this had to be the fault of being a doll, right?

Convincing myself wasn’t easy, not really.

After that one time, Alaina told me about the possible investigation, there were merely a few attempts done to find me, apparently. Alaina gave me the information the moment she knew about it, sighing softly at their attempts, as if she had judged them bad for being unable to find me.

“I don’t know what you are waiting for, still trying to wait instead of giving me a yes, you know?” She grumbled, even if she still put me on the table so I could look a little closer at the search results about my name. I had demanded that she had given me the primary source, because that way I could believe it easier. No way that they had dropped the case without even waiting a week, right?

And yet Alaina had said the truth, what with the whole search result barely even mentioning me.

“Local Woman Found Missing After Going to Boozy Oasis”

And so on, and so forth. There weren’t much, and there were barely any information on them. Nothing was happening in the social media side as well, and I knew that if I still had my body… I would feel the churn in my stomach, the certainty that there were no one else who cared for me other than Alaina.

Okay, perhaps she didn’t help the police or trying to spread the news about me within her own community—but she was the culprit here, so there was no wonder she didn’t do that. It just showed how little effect I had on everyone, that there was no one who cared enough about me, beyond one person.

I wished I could sob and cry, but this cotton body refused. I couldn’t even shudder and feel tear welling up in my eyes, the way my sight would turn blurry, my body shuddering as I tried my best to not let out a single sound.

“Ssh, ssh, it’s okay, Elys.”

Without even a single word, Alaina had picked me up again, squeezing me against her chest. She had walked back to the bed before I knew it, my eyes and face completely angled away from the computer to look at the white and clean wall on the side.

“I… I… this felt so bad.” I whimpered out, the words clear despite the fact they should be choked out, heavy from all of my sobbing. But I couldn’t, and it was because I was in this doll body, only able to feel and take comfort from Alaina.

“Hush… It’s okay, Elys, you are just unused to it.” She whispered, her tone reassuring despite her choice of words. Before I could have said anything, whether denial or acceptance, I still couldn’t be so sure, but Alaina continued her words. “You are already handling being a doll great, you know?”

I didn’t know, but those words didn’t want to come out of my throat. All I could do was merely listening as Alaina soothed me the best she could, and I could see how effective it was. The fact she was next to me, the way she continued to support me, the way her fingers touched me—those all combined to make my mind relax, not even thinking of a way to stop her. Because I should be cutting her off, instead of listening to her making these sentences that sounded so reasonable.

“Maybe the feeling’s all a bit off, but you can still be soothed… and you aren’t as beholden to your body, to your hormones and nerves in how you react.” Her words should be making me panic or worry at the very minimum—and yet, she was right. “All of it was how you think you should be acting, and isn’t that better? You just need to get used to it.”

Maybe she was right? Being a human still felt like it was the better option, and I miss the way my heart would beat, or my lungs filling in with the air I inhaled. Just the feeling of my skin, instead of nothingness beyond Alaina… My insides ached with how much I was missing, how little I could have now—and yet, it was so much easier to stay calm and think. My thoughts didn’t cloud over when I panicked, nor did I get especially bored despite being left alone for hours at a time.

Were those worth being a doll, though? All those advantages…

Just a moment of thought was enough to let me know that I didn’t want them. I missed my normal feelings, and to just be a person instead of a thing.

“Please just turn me back.” I whispered, unable to think of another way. “I’ll obey you, just—just let me be normal again.”

To feel my body, my flesh, my skin. The fact I couldn’t even move my body left me feeling so trapped, stuffed into something smaller than I should be in. I was getting used to it, of course. And yet, I couldn’t help but want to get what I had before back again—and that was why I clung so tightly to what Alaina gave me. Her touches were the little highlight of my day, the only respite in the constant dull feeling of being a doll.

“You truly will?” I didn’t expect Alaina’s excitement, her eyes wide as she lifted me up, away from the warmth that I missed already, despite the fact only mere seconds had passed. “This will have to be limited, but…”

Twinkles had entered her eyes once more, her eyes not completely looking at me but toward the ceiling—no, she was looking toward the sky, knowing that was the very limit of what she could do, as far as I knew.

“Yes please—just… I need it.” I whispered, the begging tone could be heard despite my best effort to curtail it. But that was the only thing I could say, especially after days upon days of nothing else. Maybe the boredom wouldn’t kill me, but I felt dulled, emptier than I was before being transformed into a doll—and all I could hope was that turning back would allow me to regain them back, whatever I had lost.

Was it memories? Some other feelings? I had no idea.

“Alright, I’ll start the preparation tomorrow. But for tonight… let’s sleep together, shall we?”

I shouldn’t feel this relieved, this happy with that offer. But all I ended up saying was telling her of my gratitude as she prepared to sleep—and when she finally did, she hugged me close against her body, enveloping me completely with her soothing warmth.

That night, we slept together, and I couldn’t help but feel happiness blanketing me all over. As if I was finally doing what I needed to do, a sense of safety and contentment filling me inside.

It was so wonderful, I didn’t try to dig deeper on the reason.