We had never met up in person before. Our conversations were long and varied- frequently funny, sometimes serious, often emotional, and slowly becoming more intimate. Our play over Skype was always electric. I was so looking forward to being in the same room with him.
I was so nervous about being touched.
Touch had long been an awkward thing, full of embarrassment and overload and invasion and alienation. It was hard for me to accept it.
But I wanted to try.
I told him that he’d be disappointed. I told him that I might abreact. I told him that actually enjoying his touch might be beyond me, even if I really wanted to.
We negotiated for one finger. Underwear staying on. Safeword very much in place.
My stomach was tight as I stripped down and lay on the bed. It felt vulnerable and exposed. I was so afraid to fail.
At first, he made a joke by waving the finger in front of me like he was casting a magic spell. I laughed and commented on the corniness of our mutually embodied cliche. The obedient part of me, though, was watching. I noticed as his motions slowed down that I was transfixed- focusing my eyes on the tip of his finger while letting everything else fade away. His voice had become lower and more serious, moving into the familiar tone that slowed my thoughts. I felt myself settle deeper into the bed.
I watched his finger.
His words were becoming a pleasant blur, the gentle ocean of sound that lapped away at my consciousness. Calm and quiet as the finger came closer and closer to my forehead. I was still in my anticipation, listening and focusing and falling. Daydreaming about how easy it would be to close my eyes and let go when the finger touched my forehead right...
And I sank.
Voice still flowing all around me, giving praise and instruction. My thoughts were on the finger on my forehead and the finger pushed me down into a trance where the finger was my focus. My only focus. I could stay safely here with that focus there to nudge me always, always deeper. His voice was the pressure of the finger and it felt so good, touching right in the center of my head. At my center. Thoughts just gathered there as I drifted passively along and let everything center on that pressure.
He reminded me that I was safe and cared for. That I was doing so well.
More words about touch and focus and reminding me how just the touch of his words could bring enjoyment and pleasure. Had brought enjoyment and pleasure in the past. Words drawing me in to the pleasure of the now and the relaxation of my whole body as a reminder of how deeply my body naturally obeyed him. How good it could allow itself to feel. How it could enjoy being responsive to his words, just like I had always, always been.
Words slowly changing from describing calm relaxed muscles to bringing awareness to my nerves- how they were connected. How there was a complex web of them under my skin and they were all just beginning to
How even as my mind was focused on the finger, my nerves were focusing on the touch of the air that I could start to feel ghosting my skin. I noticed the way that my remaining clothing just slightly rubbed and teased as I shifted, leading to even more sensations. Sensitized. This noticing of sensations fed back into the electric web of nerves, lighting it up and helping it grow even more responsive. Energized and waiting. Sensitive and reaching out for any touch or sensation that could tease over me. Waiting. Primed.
The finger slowly ran down my forehead to my nose and it felt so. good. to feel so much sensation at once. I wanted. My mind was on the finger and it dropped more as the finger dropped more and the teasing touches just became stronger and brighter in the dark void of my thoughts.
I was told that everything felt good and I repeated that thought over and over. Everything feels good. EVERYTHING feels good.
Finger running lightly over my lips and I could feel them tingling. The mantra became physical as I said it, a manifestation that felt so good because everything felt so good and I could just focus on how good those feelings were as they kept increasing even more with my gasping breaths.
Timelessness as the world became touch and the touch continued over my face and down my limbs and slowly slowly down my body. I squirmed and pushed into sensations until a bondage trigger *snapped* and held me still and helpless. My still-active mantra changed to “I need to be touched” as that command was breathed into my ear- and eventually that morphed into a loop of “touch me please touch me please touch me please” that went on and on as I became nothing more than a vessel for my need.
I was alive. I was electric. I was gone. And I was his.