Her favorite color was red. She was sure of it.
Well, as sure as she could be of anything now.
The thought felt steady and certain as she mentally poked at it. It was something she didn’t need to doubt. Something unquestionable.
So unquestionable that it made her suspicious.
There were some things about herself that she knew were the same as they had been pre-Janine. She had worked in the same job for 5 years- she had the emails to prove that. She knew what university she had graduated from- the diploma was framed and sitting in her office. She was pretty sure she had always been close with her family- she had the pictures and Facebook messages and phone calls and, besides, Janine probably wouldn’t mess with something like that.
She was also definitely allowed to remember that some things about her had changed. There was a little gesture she made whenever she introduced herself to a new person now- a circle with her fingers. She usually subtly made it with her left hand while she shook the new person’s hand with her right. The ring gesture took the place of a collar for her when she couldn’t wear a real one. It reminded her that she was owned.
She was allowed to remember that she had not always had such a strong reaction to the word “please”. There was a time long ago when “please” was not nearly as evocative to her- when it didn’t bring up thoughts about the importance of needing and the importance of being pleasing. When they didn't cement her certainty of how necessary it was for her to please. Often when someone said “please” she got vivid mental flashes of being on her knees and pleasing Janine’s cunt over and over again.
Janine had allowed her to clearly remember some of the hypnosis sessions and brainwashing that made these reactions feel normal and instinctual now. She remembered what it had felt like to gradually succumb to her programming. She still thought of it when she touched herself sometimes.
She wasn’t sure if that last part was a hidden command or not. (Which, of course, made the touching feel even hotter.)
It wasn’t the kind of sexy mind control you read about in stories- ones where someone is convinced they had always been a bimbo or a pet or a slave. Instead, Janine liked to change little things about her. For example, she occasionally changed her favorite band. Janine had made her like spicier food. She found herself easily enjoying all the TV shows Janine liked. She knew all of these preferences were the result of Janine's deliberate programming.
She knew, though, that these changes were also just the tip of the iceberg- a small revealed part indicating the existence of a large and submerged whole. Janine had been hypnotizing and programming her for years at this point. She had absolutely no recollection about most of what had happened to her during their sessions. Even the obvious behavioral conditioning that she knew must have occurred to lead to some changes just…slipped away from her. When Janine said something was normal she knew it was normal and when Janine told her not to notice something she didn’t even notice that she couldn’t notice it. Occasionally Janine would give her moments when she could remember different aspects of her programming (because, let’s face it, the reveal was really sexy for both of them) but afterwards she could remember there was a reveal and how it felt but absolutely no details. She could never even be sure if the memories of having a reveal were real or just suggested.
She suspected Janine was also behind her habit of mentally turning over aspects of herself and asking- did I always believe this? Did I always think this way? Was this always who I was?
Maybe Janine wanted her uncertain.
It was impossible to know.
It was kind of like being a Jenga set- feeling pieces taken and replaced and being restructured while still staying essentially the same.
Or maybe it was being the ship of Theseus- Janine seeing how many little pieces of her she could replace until she fundamentally just...wasn’t the same person anymore.
She felt like, long ago, she and Janine had discussed and agreed upon some kind of end goal for her brainwashing. Even so, she couldn’t really remember that discussion or what exactly they had decided. She knew for sure, though, that she deeply enjoyed being so extremely brainwashed now. It was sexy and hot and also tender- a knowledge that someone wanted her enough to possess and control her in this way. She knew she wanted it. She knew that she needed it. She knew she craved more and more of it.
She knew all of this innately. The exact same way she knew that her favorite color was definitely red.