...i lean my bike up against the barn wall and the lights are all dark in the farmhouse and i have no one and i am no one, not anymore. tears sweat and milk run down my face as i unleash those little clinking glass bottles into me. my steps wind irregular 'round the barn as i'm sobbing and chugging, sobbing and chugging, sobbing and chugging. i'm drunk on the tragedy. whatever's causing these blackouts needs to kick itself into high gear because i want to be obliterated. the cows raise their head to look at me, Tess and Bess and two calves, are you my family? can i belong to you? i wrap my arms around Tess and she sniffs at me, blinking thoughtfully, licks at my face. for the first time in years i don't hold back my sobs, and i keep sobbing, like sobbing is supposed to earn me something from the heavens, like since a dam broke in me the rescue squad must be coming. no one's coming. i feel hot all over and at some point i'm naked save for the farmer's jacket as i stumble around Tess to Bess begging for comfort and getting slowwww thoughtful blinks, just sloww and thoughtful and calm and peaceful and docile and i'm rolling in the hay now laughing and drinking from the bottles, hot red pinpricks across my skin like my inner self was burgeoning out of my outer skin, i think Bess might be mad at me, she's looking away, no look at me please, look at this pathetic creature who needs your care, i must not be your family after all, i realize her attention was taken by one of the calves, i skirt around to look and i see the calf drinking from her mother's udder and i Stop. Short.

The laughing and sobbing stop, and momentary clarity eats through me. Am I done with my tantrum now? Get the blanket, you filthy animal, cover yourself up. Look at that love, between these two cows. Look what you can't have. Where was the blanket I'd lain on? My momentary composure can't stop me from still stumbling naked around the barn, losing sight of the cows. Where... was it? Where had Ma'am, the farmer, moved them? There's no way she could hear me, there's no way she could know I was here, early to bed and early to rise for people who live productive lives, whose bodies and promises and deepest desires hadn't failed and betrayed them leaving them roaming in circles naked around a barn in the middle of the ni-

I saw the blanket by the milking machine.

The silvery rig had been tucked in a corner against a stack of hay bales. The cart's wheels had gathered the barn dirt, but the implement itself was spotless. In the curve of the vacuum tank I caught a dim reflection of some strange beast stalking the moonlight. The whole thing glowed with the farmer's love and attention. Neatly coiled hoses, freshly oiled compressor, and the...

...the, um...

... she had shown me once before. I approached the machine and tried to remember. At hose's end lay the, um, "milking cluster", where the inflation liner connects to, ah... the milk claw (i shivered), connected to the milk tubes (I groaned) and the pulse tubes i felt my body lurch forward toward the machine, rubbing up against the cool metal i'd watched her wield so many times with her beloved animals. here was an arrangement that worked for all parties. a marriage of feeling and necessity, and here was the ring. here was the crux through which belonging bloomed, and i began to desecrate it in in the night air. i was gasping, hot and prickly all over, low moans escaping the back of my throat. i grabbed a long, hard metal shell, where the udder would go, and i kissed it and licked it and rubbed my pussy on it like i was fucking crazy. i had spent so long pretending i could be a real person. that i could be the equal to another person in a marriage. or friendship. or lovemaking but no. i had no one and i was no one, and the call of oblivion was so fucking hot, and i let every sick thing in me spill through those kisses on the ends of those milking shells connected to the milk claw connected to thhhhh--

...half-dead, half-drugged, and half-dragged i placed the cold hard shells on my teats and flipped on the machine.

white light, everywhere. i hit the floor hard and my fattened body rippled and danced to the rhythm of the vacuum pump. the sharp pleasure blew me away from my body for a bit, a bit of me watched something new being born on the floor of the barn, wet and flailing, making sounds no human could make. she was so pretty like this. i wondered where i'd met her before. when i remembered she was me the it collapsed and orgasm after orgasm rocked my swollen teats. i gasped for more air and more air and let it out of my lungs as lowing, newborn cries. every sense a body can feel was firing at the maximum: there was pure white thick light instead of thoughts, pure creamy dense light instead of smells, pure flowing rich white instead of taste, pure unfiltered maximum stimulation spreading from my udd-... breasts to the rest of my body. i gave up control completely and at the bottom of my despair was the ocean of static, unfiltered pleasure. the rhythm of the pump crashed on me life waves. my toes arched and spasmed uncontrollably. my limbs couldn't bear weight or stabilize me, they writhed and grabbed and lost grip in uncontrolled ecstasy, the fat dancing around every twitch. i was beached. immobile. a pure battery of lust. my tits heaved and sang into the machine and the drool sprayed from my lowing open mouth, my eyes crossed and closed and opened and dilated, seeing nothing. the machine's compressor kicked on and the pleasure possessed my rocking hips and jiggling belly and told me that i was good, that i had a purpose, that i belonged to this. i lay there completely helpless and shaking and overrun by a pleasure greater than any self i'd ever tried to construct, any responsibility i'd tried to take on. it ate at me like it knew me, like it'd been waiting for me to give up to come save me and make me whole and perfect, rebirth me. i rocked and gasped and cooed and screamed and failed to stifle screams and i let something greater than me take control, building like pressure at my gasping lips, my drenched cunt, my ballooning gut, my perfect breasts, tits, teats, udders, udders, udders, mmmmmooooo --

...

...suddenly, a little lucid, a little strength and sight returned, enough for me to raise my head to look past these two mounds of soft flesh that i just called my udders. i gazed over at the sea of fat that surrounded my body like a glowing aura, i saw my useless little legs kicking at the air, i saw the cavernous rise and fall of my labored breaths, i even felt like i could see my cheeks flapping around when i exhaled. but most of all i saw fresh milk.leaving my teats. winding up the vacuum tube. first as small spurts then as a steady stream. the impossible weight on my spirit was leaving my body through my titties and the afterglow was warm. my muscles twitched lazily in complete ease, and i let my head loll back. my weakness no longer threatened me, because my body had made something special. i didn't have to be afraid anymore. i felt good, it was good, i was... good. i was a good little...

..,the lights to the barn flipped on.

"Hello?"

It was the farmer.

"Jess? Are you there?"