[Week 4.5]

Claire woke up 30 minutes before her alarm, adrenaline flooding her body. She spent a moment trying to figure out why, before she heard the receding footsteps of someone walking past the dorm.

She clenched her sheets and stared at the ceiling.

She’d always had an extremely strong startle response, but to fear footsteps was new for her. A frustrating kind of weakness.

She stared over at Xia, sleeping peacefully on the other bed. All things considered, her roommate had a much more normal set of hobbies and—aside from a bizarre habit of trading beds with Zoey sometimes—a more conventional college experience.

Maybe she could have just joined the Undergraduate Cognitive Science Association, hung out with the other nerdy kids, and had an easier, more relaxing time.

She shook herself. Transformation wasn’t easy. She would prevail. Quitting would be failure.

She’d show Miriam and Kacie and everybody else who doubted… it was actually hard to muster up that anger at her big sisters. Every time she did, images of them holding her while she was on her knees or crying appeared in her head.

She felt almost pitiful at how much gratitude she felt for their support.

One last deep breath. Claire pulled herself up and got out of bed. She wouldn’t fall asleep again, and hiding while footsteps walked past the door would only make the flashes of adrenaline worse.

She joined the morning rush to the bathroom, did her routine, then escaped the dorm as fast as she possible.

Claire found a seat in the cafeteria with her back to the wall and had her breakfast. She missed her hot chocolate. She tried to think of Arie and Miriam and their approval.

Breakfast was quick since the few friends she’d made in her dorm weren’t up yet. Mornings were some of the only unstructured time she had anymore, so she found herself an isolated corner on campus and spent the next twenty minutes scrolling on social media.

Persephone had begun posting increasingly aggressive kinky memes in their pledge class group chat. The upperclassmen had been circumspect about it, but at this point no one disagreed: They were being indictrinated with kink. Persephone and Diana had spent the last two weeks skimming books, and it all matched up.

It had also matched up with a book Becca had read in high school about cults. Persephone’s counter argument was an online videos about sorority rush in Alabama—eventually everyone agreed that it wasn’t that different.

Class was about to begin, so Claire put her phone away and headed to her science lab. She took her usual spot in the back corner.

“Hi Claire!” Sharon? Ivy? One of the students in her class greeted her.

“Hello.” Claire politely waved back, then turned back to her material. For a moment the other girl looked like she was going to say something, and Claire tensed, but then she turned back to her study materials as well.

The lab itself was easy, except for one awkward moment where they were supposed to be partner up with somebody, and Claire was reminded that she didn’t really know anybody.

She made it through the class with a boy whose name she immediately forgot, then headed to lunch.

Perse had a midterm she needed to prepare for tomorrow, so they’d moved their weekly lunch to today. She grabbed a sandwich at the cafe, found Perse seated at one of the tables outside, and joined her on the opposite bench of the rounded picnic-style table.

Perse smiled at her. “How’re things?”

Claire smiled back. It was always the same question. “A little easier? I haven’t been sleeping well, but that’s nothing new.”

Perse nodded. “You said yesterday that it wasn’t something you’d really thought about before?”

“Yeah, it started to be more obvious during college? In high school I just thought I was an early riser. But the noise from the dorms made it much worse. I—”

She hesitated a moment, and Persephone lifted an eyebrow and leaned in.

Claire took up the invitation. “I think it’s actually a fear thing? My new therapist pointed out that ‘I seem very jumpy,’ and I’ve noticed I don’t just wake up, I have this like… adrenaline spike.”

“Like the fight-or-flight kind?” Persephone asked.

She nodded. “I think so?”

Persephone took a bite of her salad. “Maybe that’s why you’re so on edge all the time?”

Claire shook her head. “No, that’s just because the minders are unsafe and trying to control us.”

Persephone looked at her with skepticism. “Claire, the only minder who has yelled at anyone is Arie.”

“No she’s— okay, that’s fair, but she’s fine if you get to know her!” She was surprised at the conviction in her own voice.

Her fellow servant just smiled at her. “See, there’s devotion in you. Somewhere.”

The conversation paused for a moment and they both continued eating.

“So how is the therapy, actually?” Persephone asked. “Miriam said I’ll have to start soon.”

“I’ve only had one session so far,” Claire answered, “but being able to just complain about things is really nice. The fear comment was pretty insightful.”

“I’m a little worried she’ll judge me.”

This time it was Claire’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “You?”

Persephone half smiled. “I’m pretty weird on the inside, ya know? And Delta Sigma has been friendly towards some of that, but therapy seems like… I don’t know, more?”

There was another pause.

“…and they’re already pushing us a lot,” Persephone admitted.

“Yeah.” Claire stirred her tea. It wasn’t the same without sugar. “They told me I could find my own therapist, though they strongly recommended against it.”

They both ate some more.

“Why do you think your fight or flight is so sensitive?” Persephone asked.

The question made Claire bristle, but Persephone spoke it so gently, Claire wanted to respond.

“I only really realized it last week, so I’m not sure. Bullying maybe? I had a loving family.” Claire noticed Persephone staring at her. “What?”

Persephone put down her fork. “Two days ago you joked that the internet basically raised you. Last week you interrupted lunch for a frankly disturbing phone call with your mother. Friday Becca shared how her mom always helped her with her cat fostering and watched YouTube videos with her about her hobby and you said ‘oh, huh, I couldn’t imagine anyone in my family doing that.’”

“So?”

“Parents are supposed to have an interest in their kids. Did you feel safe going to them about the bullying?”

“Well, no, but isn’t that normal?” Claire asked. The thought felt weird.

“Oh,” Claire continued, “there was that one time she made me call one of my bullies using the class directory and ask them why they weren’t nice to me.” She shivered. “That was pretty— what?” Persephone was staring at her again.

Persephone took a very visible breath. “Can I sit next to you?”

Claire nodded, suddenly feeling raw.

Persephone got up, sat down next to her, and pulled Claire into her chest.

“That’s not okay. That shouldn’t have happened to you.”

Claire tensed. She rolled her eyes. “It’s fine. It was just dumb. She’s an immigrant from Italy, she didn’t know better.”

“Okay. Okay.” Persephone didn’t let go. “Can you, for just a moment, let yourself believe ‘that wasn’t okay, and I get to be not okay about it.’ Just repeat it for me three times. Doesn’t have to be aloud, can be in your head.”

Claire decided to humor her, if only to end this awkward situation.

Head still jammed awkwardly into Persephone’s chest, she repeated the phrase.

That wasn’t okay, and I get to be not okay about it.

That wasn’t okay, and I get to be not okay about it.

That wasn’t okay, and I get to be not okay about it.

Somewhere in there, the embrace had gone from awkward to real, and Claire felt herself dripping tears onto Persephone’s halter top.

——

Claire felt a little more like herself by mid afternoon. She didn’t like the idea that therapy was making her weaker, but Persephone had seemed unbothered by it. If anything, she had seen a self-satisfied smile when they finally pulled apart.

When Claire reached the Delta Sigma house that afternoon, the only other person in the living room, besides the ever silent Elya, was Luna.

Claire hadn’t exactly spent a lot of time bonding with Luna, especially given that the trans girl was frankly a doormat for even the tiniest bit of inclusion.

Maybe it was the conversation with Perse, maybe today was just a different day. Maybe it was the dark circles under Luna’s eyes—either way, today she sat next to her.

Luna looked up from her textbook, surprised. Claire just smiled. “You seemed like you could use some company.”

Luna dipped her head just a little bit.

Claire decided not to push, and took out her own homework.

Just like every other time someone sat close to her, Luna sank further into the couch, and wiggled her hips just a fraction. On a different day Claire would have rolled her eyes, but after crying into another servant’s chest Claire figured she couldn’t be so judgmental.

Halfway through her assignment, Claire noticed Luna’s mouth open a few times, and she waited, pretending to be reading, until her fellow servant began stuttering. “Wou— would you like to take a break and grab some coffee?”

“Sure,” Claire said.

They packed up their stuff, signed Elya for permission, then repeated the almost ritualistic walk to Northside Coffee.

Claire couldn’t handle the silence anymore. “So… we haven’t talked so much. How are you doing?”

Luna shrugged in that disaffected way only a trans girl could manage. “It’s fine, ya know?”

Claire turned to face her. “Actually, you seem like you’re usually passenger #1 on the Miriam train, so I don’t know.”

Luna’s cheeks turned two shots of alcohol pinker at that. “Oh, come on, I’m— I'm just going along with things. ’s not like you’d know anything about that…”

Any other day.. but today Claire decided to just smile at it. “Fair.”

“It’s nothing serious, I’ve just been having nightmares.” The words came out in a rush. “It’s gotten bad enough that I’m losing sleep, and… well, it’s weird.”

The way Luna’s words faded away wasn’t lost on Claire. There was something Luna felt scared to talk about.

“What’s been happening?” she pressed.

Luna twisted her hands as they turned the corner of the last block. “Well…”

Claire rolled her eyes. “Look, you’re telling me for a reason, right? “

“It’s stupid, it’s just like… visual hallucinations sometimes? I’m sure it’s just because I’m exhausted. I just… something in my gut tells me it’s related to Delta Sigma.”

“And I’m the least likely person to tell on you?” Claire asked.

“Well… I figured if something was going on, you’d be the best person to get to the bottom of it? You’re very stubborn,” Luna said.

“The only thing weird I’ve noticed about Delta Sigma—besides the obvious—is that the sisters keep going into the basement. It’s almost like they’re keeping something alive down there.”

They stood in line at the coffee shop. Persephone had begun letting Diana order for her, but Luna and Claire still made their own selections—not that there was a minder to order for them today. That’d probably be a rule next week. They wouldn’t be allowed to order food for themselves anymore and Claire would starve to death.

Claire and Luna both got themselves lattes and began the walk back.

“Okay, so you’re exhausted and hallucinating, and Delta Sig is at fault?” Claire asked.

Luna shook her head. “I mean, obviously not? Right? But I can’t shake the feeling that something’s going on.”

“They’re suspicious as hell, of course something’s going on. But I think most of it involves canes and psychological manipulation,” Claire said.

“There’s also the old question of why we don’t pay dues.”

Claire looked at her. “Becca said she’d asked, and it was a grant from an alum. I wouldn’t expect you to doubt the official story.”

“I— I can’t explain it either.” Luna’s whole body clenched, as if the words pained her. “Something just… something just screams that something bad is happening with Delta Sigma, and I don’t know what it is.”

——

“Hey guys,” Diana began, “this evening is about seating arrangements. I’m in charge of seating, but I wanted to get everyone’s input and ask about preferences for families.”

Luna answered first. “My family isn’t coming.” The barely suppressed pain was written all over her face.

Diana looked at her for a moment before understanding the implications. Persephone, meanwhile, got it right away and pulled Luna close.

“Oh. Okay.” Diana caught back up. “Well, we’re you’re family now, and we’re going to be here.”

That elicited a smile.

No one quite wanted to go after that so everyone spent a moment just watching Persephone comfort Luna.

It was Becca who stepped up. “My parents are pretty liberal, Diana or Persephone I think they’d get along with yours? And I’d be happy for them to meet yall’s.”

Diana and Persephone looked at each other and both nodded, that was three taken care of.

Claire decided she didn’t really care who her parents met, so they ended up sitting with Riga’s. Arie’s parents were a problem, so they sat by themselves, surrounded by strangers. Most of the space would go to family and friends of more senior Delta Sigma sisters, or to the sisters themselves. Apparently the “conservative parents” issue wasn’t all that unusual, and a few from other sisters had been flagged on the chart as well.

In the end, they split up again as Diana made the list and Arie continued to drill them in the serving positions. Between Thursday and Friday classes, they didn’t have all that much time left. Homework didn’t stop for weird ritualistic tea parties.

——

On Thursday afternoon, Arie took over their planning meeting.

“We’re adding one final exercise for today and tomorrow: memorization. You’re going to be serving tables of 10, which means between teas and pastries you’ll have to memorize up to 20-25 requests. We’re going to do our best to minimize how often that happens, but it’ll happen, and you all need to reach that bar.”

Arie took them into the yard, then had them all stand in a large circle. They took up the center, a crop in one hand and a clipboard in the other. Samie had rejoined them for this, and Claire half expected her to speak up. 25 items was ridiculous. But the senior servant just looked at peace. She’d given the same “yes, miss” as everyone else and then gone completely quiet.

“Alright, I’m going to list out a pattern—a combination of tea and pastries. You’ll all memorize it. We’ll do the first few with everyone repeating it back out loud. Next I’ll expect you to repeat it quietly to yourself, and I’ll randomly quiz you. Failure will be punished.”

Claire glanced left and right. Luna and Becca both seemed a little bit on edge—not that that was unusual. Perse was masking it well, but Claire had experienced enough of Perse’s skepticism to recognize it in the slight closing of her eyes.

The only one who appeared perfectly relaxed was Samie.

“Alright. Green, black, black, oolong, green. Croissant, scone, muffin, muffin, scone.”

Arie paused for a moment. “Your turn, servants.”

“Green, black, black, green, b—g—l—een.” They started to collectively fall apart. “Croissant, scone, muffin…” Claire glanced at Persephone. The two of them were the only ones left. “Scone?”

Arie sighed. “I’ll forgive it since it’s the first try. Becca, don’t stop talking halfway through. Everyone else missed a second muffin.”

They repeated the exercise. Only Claire and Samie made it all the way to the end.

Four tries later, it was still just the two of them, except the third time, during which Persephone had managed to keep up.

“Alright everyone. Fifteen now,” Arie said.

By 10, it was just Claire and Samie again. Samie stopped at 11, and Claire petered out at 13.

Arie was starting to show their frustration.

“That isn’t really acceptable, everyone. I’m going to switch to picking on individuals to motivate you better. Anything less than 12 will result in strikes.”

They threw out another list, this time just 12 items.

“Becca.”

Becca stared at Arie, wide eyed. “Gr— gr— een. Black. Gre—” She froze.

Arie stared back at her and tapped the crop against their thigh.

“I’m— I’m sorry mx— I can’t.”

They kept their face passive. “Alright, that’s one strike for every word you missed.” They stepped through the circle to Becca.

Becca nodded, suddenly more at peace again, and turned around to present herself. Arie placed nine strikes—almost generous, since Becca hadn’t even managed to complete the third word.

“You’re forgiven,” Arie said, then walked back to their spot without looking back.

Becca took a heaving breath, still reeling, but rejoined the circle.

Arie threw out another combination, this time 13 items, this time aimed at Perse.

Perse made it to nine. “Sorry mx,” she said, and turned around.

She took the four strikes wordlessly, before turning around and looking back on the circle, barely contained frustration on her face. It actually reminded Claire of herself.

They continued like this for another couple of rounds. Claire managed to get 13 out of 14 on her second try, and was pretty proud of herself.

But the group was getting more frustrated, including Arie. Persephone and Luna had both collected a good number of punishments, but Becca had gotten the most—she seemed almost completely paralyzed by Arie’s mere presence, much less by the task of memorization.

Samie calmly sat in the middle of the pack, sometimes reaching close to Claire’s count, but mostly sticking near Perse and Luna.

“I need you all to try harder,” Arie eventually said.

Perse failed to suppress a groan.

“That’s another five with the crop.” Arie stepped over.

Perse wordlessly turned around and took it.

“From here on I’m going to double the punishment.”

Samie lifted her head, which only made it more obvious how still she’d been the whole day. “Mx, I suspect your demands might be unreasonable. This isn’t something we’ll learn in two days.”

Arie put down their clipboard and Claire flinched at the anger in their eyes. Michelle shouldn’t have provoked them–this was the difficult side of Arie.

“Give me,” Arie said, “a tea and pastry sequence.”

Claire expected a ‘what’, or a ‘why’, but the big sister remained as unflappable as she’d been all week.

“Green, black, black, green, oolong,” Samie began, “herbal, green, herbal, black, black, croissant, tart and croissant, creme brûlée, macaroons, macaroons, tart, croissant, tart, tart, creme brûlée, tart, mx.”

“Alright.” Arie spun in a slow circle and gave everyone a disapproving look.

“Green, black, black, green, oolong, herbal, green, herbal, black, black, croissant, tart and croissant, creme brûlée, macaroons, macaroons, tart, croissant, tart, tart, creme brûlée–and that’s 20, but you got the count wrong so here’s the 11th:–tart.”

Claire felt a strange feeling of pride as everyone except Samie gaped at Arie.

Samie didn’t seem upset. If anything there was the subtlest signs of relaxation. “That’s very impressive, mx, though it does not change my assessment that this group is unlikely to become like you in the next 48 hours.”

Arie finally raised their voice. “Well, then everyone should just stop being incompetent!”

“Hey everyone!” Half a dozen heads turned as Miriam walked down from the porch, followed closely by Diana and Allyson. “Arie, you’re getting a phone call from the school, some kind of paperwork thing. Diana was looking at seating charts so I brought her out here to take over.”

There was an awkward silence as Arie, still seething, followed Miriam back into the house.

“How’s this going for everybody?” Diana asked as she picked up Arie’s crop from the lawn.

There was more awkward silence before Samie spoke up. “We were struggling with the exercise miss. The most we’ve gotten to is 14 orders memorized by Claire, though Arie managed a full 20, miss.”

Diana nodded. “Alright, I want to see everyone’s best attempt. We’ve been at this for most of an hour, we’re going to keep going and we’re going to reassess.”

Samie and Allyson bowed their head. “Yes miss.” The unison was spooky. If they both didn’t seem so strong, so well developed, she would think their personalities erased. But they both so clearly demonstrated they knew what was going on, and Claire had to admit she was impressed with the way Samie had both expressed her opinion about the demand for 20 items, and completely avoided putting down Arie.

It wasn’t Arie’s fault she was smarter than everyone, but Claire had to admit the way she took it out on people probably wasn’t helping.

15 minutes later Claire had beaten her record at 15, though Persephone and Luna both got close with 13 and 14. Becca was struggling to catch up at nine.

“Alright,” Diana finally said, “take a short break anyone, get a snack in the kitchen, and I’m going to figure out how we make this something manageable. Actually—” she turned to Samie and Allyson, who had stood quietly at attention while Diana quizzed everyone else. “—I never addressed you two. My bad—I should be taking responsibility for you as well.”

Allyson smiled and nodded, while Samie blinked once, slowly.

“Here, I’ll give you both a challenge. Remember I want you best.” Diana tossed out 12 pastries and 13 drinks, and Allyson and Samie both effortlessly recited them back.

The pledges collectively gaped. Samie finally showed some emotion. She laughed as she spoke. “I did say the difficulty was the 48 hours. What do you think we’ve been doing for the last year?”

“Samie is selling herself short,” Allyson said. “She could probably do a hundred if you pushed her.”

There was a slight raised eyebrow from Samie to Allyson, who flashed the tiniest smile back at her. It disappeared just as fast as it began. Claire couldn’t help but think she’d just witnessed something private.

When they got into the kitchen, little sandwich squares were waiting for them. Claire happily worked her way through a couple before sitting down next to a beaten-down-looking Becca.

“You alight?” She asked.

Becca gave a small nod. “Don’t like disappointing them.”

Claire inhaled. Becca of all people didn’t deserve this. “You did your best.”

Becca shook her head.

Claire put an arm around the smaller servant and pulled her into her side. She struggled for the right words. “Look, I– I still don’t know how to connect to this whole submission thing. But isn’t the whole point that they give us things that are hard but achievable, that they don’t set us up to fail?”

Persephone had joined them on Becca’s other side as Claire spoke. “Yeah, it’s about pushing, not failing us.”

“And yes,” Claire continued, “Arie can do 20. But I doubt you could find many other people at the school who could without months of practice first. And so demanding that from us in less than an hour and getting frustrated is on them.”

Everyone else had already begun filing back out into the yard, so Claire pulled Becca up to give her a hug and then lead them back out.

“Alright,” Diana began, “we’re going to change our approach here: Instead of taking a whole table’s worth of orders you’ll do a half a table at the time–carrying 20 items on a tray is impossible anyway. So we’re going to shoot for 10, ideally 12 in case someone orders multiple things.”

Claire could feel the collective relief. They got back to practicing, and it only took another half an hour before all of them had hit 10 at least once. Diana decided to call it there.

They walked back into the living room, mentally exhausted, physically bruised from the crop, but collectively satisfied.

Claire didn’t really think in her exhaustion, she just sat down next to Becca, and continued the cuddling from earlier. She didn’t even realize how unusual that was until she looked up to see Persephone staring at her.

The defensive walls immediately came back. “What?”

Persephone shook her head. “It was just cute, sorry.”

Claire wanted to get away, but she couldn’t look like she cared what Persephone thought of her, so she kept holding Becca.

Becca, in turn, squirmed and and dug in deeper, giving Claire all the excuse that she needed.