[Week 3.7]

Two and a half weeks, and Claire’s life was completely upside-down. Even a week ago she’d told Zoey that everything was fine. Today, she struggled to make eye contact with her at all.

The upperclassmen of Delta Sigma were oppressing her, crushing her beneath rules and taking away her humanity. She missed boba and hot chocolate and sticky rice with mango.

Today was an easy day. She had to visit the gym in the morning, but without Delta Sigma’s hellish personal trainer. She had a lecture, and could avoid attention from minders or upperclassmen until lunchtime. Then she had another lecture in the afternoon before she had to make it to the Delta Sigma house.

She was even ahead on her assignments, admittedly in part thanks to Neha’s ruthless scheduling.

She heard Zoey go to the bathroom and quickly rolled out of bed. Her morning routine only took a few minutes, doubly since she skipped anything past minimal makeup. Laptop, backpack, gym clothes, and she was out the door.

When she got to the gym she followed her routine like a ‘good girl’ because even she had to admit it was doing great things for her fitness. At the very least one good thing could come from this whole miserable experience.

She showered after the gym, reapplied her makeup, then headed past a cafe to grab breakfast. She didn’t know how Delta Sigma was tracking her at all hours of the day, but by now she was certain they were.

Worse, the new, changing rules were creating friction between her and Arie. Maybe it was in her head? But she didn’t feel as comfortable, and Arie felt more distant. She sighed as she grabbed a sandwich and no dessert.

She didn’t want to lose the one really good thing she was getting from this experience.

Her food in hand, Claire walked on to the patio and swept her eyes over the assorted tables, before identifying splay of magenta amidst the crowd.

“Hey Perse!” she waved as she walked over. They had a matching schedule on Thursdays, so they had made this lunch spot a regular thing.

At least with only a fellow servant there, there was no one to ask for permission from, so Claire could sit down when she arrived.

“Hey Claire, how are you?” Persephone had already started her chicken salad. She’d gotten herself a sugar free tea with it.

“I’m okay.” Claire frowned. “The sweets thing is hard, really hard.”

“Yeah, you definitely used to ea–”

Claire’s phone rang, from the only number that still had the ring tone activated.

She grimaced. “Sorry, I need to take this.”

Persephone’s expression was unreadable. Claire picked up the phone.

“Hi mom. What do you need?”

“Oh can’t I just want to check in on my little girl?” Her mom used that almost-sing-song tone that meant she was pretending not to be hurt. “You didn’t call me on Sunday, and I thought you might be dead.”

Claire scrunched her brows. “Sorry, it was a stressful day a–“

“It’s important for children to call their mothers, especially if they’re having a stressful day. I’ve been telling you for years that you need to work on your gratitude.”

“Mom, I–“

“It’s not right, I’ve said for years you just don’t try enough, that’s why you struggle to make friends so much, I told you that a sorority wasn’t the right thing.”

“Mom, I’m not struggling to make friends.” Except here she was, after most of a week of hiding from everyone as much as she was allowed to, isolated. “I’m fine.”

“Yes, fine, you don’t have to listen to my decades of life experience, you’re a child you know better.”

“Please.”

Persephone looked worried from across the table. It made Claire angry. She’d been weak. She pulled herself together.

“Look. I’m doing great in college. Everything’s fine. I’m just busy, I’ll call you when I have time, and I’ll see you at parents weekend in a week and a half.” She hung up.

Persephone looked at Claire like she was a puzzle. “Do you…”

“No, I don’t want to talk about it,” Claire said.

Persephone tried to make conversation a few more times, but all Claire could think about was how much she needed to get away, how overwhelmed she felt, so they finished their breakfast in awkward silence.

Claire got a moment of rest during her lecture. Everyone facing forwards, her sitting in the back, no humans to watch her, no stress about commands or people. Plus the lecture was on introductory cognitive science, which she genuinely enjoyed.

She spent some time in her lab section, until, all too soon, lunch came again.

Claire followed the same routine she had since Sunday and sat down at a table on the far side of the cafeteria. They had been assigned lunch at the same time, but nothing in the rules said that she had to eat lunch with the rest of the group, or that any of the non-servants could make her eat with them.

Still, she hadn’t grabbed any hot chocolate or dessert–she didn’t want to risk further negative attention.

She’d gotten one bite into her grilled cheese sandwich when Persephone slid in across from her.

“Why are you here?” Claire asked. Then she made a panicked sweep of the cafeteria–she’d deliberately chosen a table out of sight from their usual spot, were other people coming?

“It’s just me,” Persephone cut off her searching, “and I’m here because you shouldn’t be eating alone.”

Persephone picked up her own sandwich, then put it down again. She placed both palms on the table.

“Actually,” she started, “I’m also here because Diana sent me. I deferred to her perspective, and she doesn’t think her presence would be helpful.”

“So no one else is coming?” Claire asked, hesitant.

“No one else is coming,” Persephone confirmed.

They ate for a bit. Claire was no more excited to talk than she had been earlier.

“Why do you think you can’t do it?” Persephone asked eventually.

Claire tensed.

“Why can you do it?” She asked. “I feel like my reaction is eminently reasonable.”

Persephone pushed food around her plate. “To be honest I maybe haven’t thought about that enough.”

Claire pounced. “Then how can you ask me that sort of question?”

“Mmmm, that doesn’t mean there isn’t an answer.” Persephone stared in the direction of the others. “I think in some way it just feels really natural to me. Power is like a language, and I guess I just speak it.”

“Fine, but you seemed just as upset as me when you first got the collar.”

“That’s… fair. I thought leading would be fun. It definitely seemed less scary. But…” Persephone’s eyes unfocused for a moment. “Following feels so right too? It’s made me feel so close to almost everyone in the class. And I guess that’s part of the frustration–it hasn’t made me feel close to you.”

Claire had to keep herself from crossing her arms, she couldn’t let herself look defensive.

“How exactly does this oppression make you feel close to anyone?” She asked.

Persephone showed visible restraint in not rolling her eyes, despite so clearly wanting to. “Okay, so for example, when I kneel at Diana’s feet, I feel really connected to her. Or when Neha schedules me for something I don’t want to do but should, like exercising, I feel really taken care of. When I’m cuddled up with Becca, I know we share that experience of vulnerability to the dominants, and so I feel close to her as well. Does that make sense?”

Claire twirled her spoon through her sugar free tea—it wasn’t the same. “I guess? I usually just feel anxiety or fear.”

“Really? Always?” Persephone asked.

“Well, no. Miriam and Jacqueline both somehow know how to get around that,” Claire admitted. This conversation was starting to feel very uncomfortable. “I don’t want to face Arie right now, but generally it feels good to be around them.”

“So, why do you feel safe to do this with them, but not with everyone else?” Persephone asked.

“I… I couldn’t tell you.”

Persephone stared out the window for a moment. “Do you feel better at dinner, or just weirder avoiding them?”

“The second one.” Claire took a deep breath, shook a little bit. “To be honest, I think— I’m just as scared of falling behind and being excluded as I am of being crushed. It, uhh, it doesn’t fit together well.”

Perse reached out a hand and held on to Claire’s for a moment.

“That sounds really difficult.”

Claire laughed. “I shouldn’t be so weak. I should just pick one. I don’t know why I’m like this.”

That earned her a skeptical stare. “Have you considered your family?”

“No,” Claire said, head shaking. “We had a pretty good upbringing. We always had food on the table, and we never got beaten. I always felt like I was raised by the internet, but that was my choice.”

“Claire.” Persephone looked at her like she’d just said something totally crazy. “That was not a normal phone call.”

“What does my mom have to do with any of this?” Claire felt the anxiety congeal into anger.

“It—.” Persephone took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay. We can talk about this more some other time.

Claire let the silence sit for a while.

Persephone tried again. “I just want you to find the same peace as the rest of us. I don’t want you to be struggling so much. Do you believe that from me?”

Claire sighed. “Yes, yes I do. And I’m sorry for being snappy.”

They finished up the rest of their meal, then split up for their afternoon lectures.

Arie cornered Claire during study hour at the house on Northside. Claire had tried to go to the kitchen to fetch herself some more tea–possibly also to just bring out more tea. If she did it herself no one could order her to do it and that felt somehow better than being crushed under the boot of her peers.

But Arie followed her, and there was a moment of silence.

“Hi,” Claire began.

“Hi.” Arie looked at the tea. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

Claire wasn’t in a mood to dance around things, and she was hit by a sudden impulse to needle her friend. “Did Miriam put you up to this.”

“Shut up,” was all Arie said.

“Yes mx.” Claire let the sarcasm drip.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Yes mx.” Now she was having fun. She let Arie see the shit-eating grin, just to needle her more.

“I want to–“ Arie took a breath. “Look this doesn’t just go away, so we should just talk about it.”

“You hate these sorts of conversations.”

“Yes, but Miriam is right. You need to work through this.”

“Did she attack your pride about that?” Claire asked. “That Kacie understood and you didn’t?”

“Stop turning this on me.” The frustration in Arie’s tone shocked Claire back to sanity.

Claire let silence rest, until Arie made to move.

The minder led the way, and they left the house for some privacy. Claire was technically supposed to be studying, but she figured if Arie was the one keeping her away from her chores, then great.

They sat next to each other on a bench down the street, and Claire gave it more distance than she usually did. Normally she appreciated Arie’s causal touch, but today… Today not so much.

Arie accepted the distance without comment, then belatedly put her right hand on Claire’s left thigh. It felt grounding, but also scary. For a moment she wondered if Miriam put them up to it.

“So.” Claire was the first to lose her battle with the silence around them.

“So.” Arie picked it up. “How long do you plan to avoid everyone?”

“I…” Claire felt herself tense. It was just Arie. She needed to relax. “I honestly don’t know.”

She fiddled with her jeans.

“Until something changes I guess?”

Arie stared at the leave above them. The area around the Delta Sigma house was, objectively, beautiful. Tall oak trees shaded the entire street, while colorful Victorians gave every corner its own unique character. The shade kept things from getting too hot, while the temperate climate kept them from ever getting too cool.

It was strange sometimes, being in the outside world while discussing something so alien. The only thing weirder would have been if the rumors about Delta Sigma being a magical cult were true.

Well, the magic part. Claire hadn’t looked up the definition of a ‘cult’ lately, but whatever it was Delta Sigma probably counted.

“You know that it won’t?” Arie asked.

Claire said nothing.

“I think you’re scared of what you are.” Arie kept pressing. “Because you’ve built this self image of yourself as someone who is strong and doesn’t rely on people, and on the inside you’re just this hurt little girl.

Claire felt anger rise up somewhere deep inside her. “That’s bullshit.”

Arie’s face hardened. “Mx.”

Like a gate slamming shut Claire went into lockdown. Mile high walls kept the feelings in and the influence of Arie out.

“Look, this is stupid. Mx or I swear to god I will drag you across my lap in the cafetria.”

She was stuck. No, she couldn’t. It wasn’t safe. But getting spanked would be worse and she knew Arie and Arie wouldn’t back down. So it was lose the friendship and quit Delta Sigma, or say the words.

She couldn’t. She cou–

“Mx. That’s bullshit, mx.” Claire started weeping. Frustration mixed with something else.

Arie pulled her into a hug. “Good girl.”

The hug helped a little but Claire still felt cold inside. Everything was so far away. She’d said the words, and now she was hurting, and it was Arie’s fault and Arie didn’t understand.

Arie kept holding her, but she felt the minder’s awkwardness. When Claire didn’t respond, the minder pushed her halfway out of their lap and glared at her.

Why would they even think that a hug would help?

She eventually got her emotions under control and disentangled herself further from Arie. They let her go, giving her a look that she couldn’t decipher. Holding herself together was taking all her focus.

She stayed with that feeling of distance through the next lecture. It wasn’t going away, but at least it wasn’t getting any worse. She was fine. She was strong and she would manage.

She made her way back to the house. Her head was filled with a muted mix of dread, anger at Arie and exhaustion. She briefly considered a variety of infeasible revenge fantasies. Why was she at Delta Sigma again? Maybe her mom was right…

She walked in the door and ran face first into Kacie.

“Hi!” For half a second, the senior servant smiled, then her face shifted to concern. She tilted her head, then scanned Claire’s entire body.

She smiled. “No need for politenesses with me, you can address me how you want for today. Want to go upstairs for a moment?”

Before she could answer, Kacie dragged her along.

They made it to the sunroom and Kacie pushed the door closed with a foot. She dragged Claire to the window nook.

The big sister pulled the Claire into her chest and encased her in her arms. “Want to tell me about today and the last few days?”

Before she knew what was happening, Claire broke down sobbing.

She couldn’t get any words out. All she could do was pitifully claw at Kacie’s chest. Kacie, somehow, understood, and just held her.

Eventually she managed to get piecemeal words out.

“No— not f— fair.” Another sob. “Not— not safe.”

Kacie gave her a few firmer strokes, and Claire felt the approval sooth something deep inside her.

The thing in her core, curled up to keep her safe—it unfurled a little.

“That sounds really scary,” Kacie said. The gentle strokes continued. “That sounds like so many heavy things going through your head.”

Claire nodded. It felt right.

“You’re trying, aren’t you, Claire?” Kacie asked.

Claire shook her head. “Not hard enough. I’m bad at this somehow and everyone is judg–“

“Claire why are you in this room?

“Because Arie made me call them Mx.” Claire felt just a hint of vindication enter her tone. It was Arie’s fault.

“Because Arie demanded your submission, and you, despite reservations, gave it to them.”

“Yes.” Exactly.

“And Arie tried to help you give it by being forceful, but you struggled with that, and weren’t able to accept their care after, and now you’re in distress.”

That sounded.. fair? Close? Claire couldn’t really disagree with it. She snuggled in closer to Kacie’s chest instead.

Kacie kept talking while petting her. “Now, why do you think it didn’t work?”

“Dunno.” Some of the fear was coming back, but Claire escaped it by clutching even tighter. Kacie was her island of safety. Kacie understood her. “She wasn’t being fair?”

Kacie tilted her head. “Mmmm, she was enforcing the bare minimum of the rules. Do you think the rules are unfair?”

“Yes.” Claire nodded into Kacie’s chest.

“Do you think they’re unfair to me?”

Claire looked up just slightly. Not enough to actually look at Kacie’s face, but enough to communicate the gesture. “What do you mean?”

“I live under rules too. I ‘miss’ everyone wearing a black cuff just like you. I’m the Vice President of this organization, and yet I asked for permission to sit on furniture with you. Today I wasn’t allowed to chose my own outfit–Jacqueline chose this one. And yes, I am dating her, but I’m pretty sure there’s a groupchat where a bunch of the other sisters give input.”

Kacie shook her head, smiling. “Do you know how humiliating it is to spend the day walking around in a skimpy bikini because a bunch of sisters collectively decided they wanted to stare at your ass?”

“Why?” Claire stilled. “Why do it then?”

“Because going through that reminds me I belong to them. That they’ll push me through difficult things. That they’ll think about me and care about me. That they’ll take care of me.” She gave Claire a tight squeeze. Her voice became more wistful. “That even as I help steer this organization they’ll remind me that I’m small and safe and not alone.”

Claire sat still and tried to digest that.

“I still don’t…” Claire ran out of steam and shivered as she cuddled in closer.

Kacie gently scratched her scalp. “Let me try again. I feel safe, knowing I’m not alone. I feel loved, knowing they’re paying attention to me. I feel whole, knowing I belong to them.”

Claire turned the words over in her head. Something about them felt important.

“That sounds… lovely.” But for some reason that feeling of loveliness didn’t translate correctly somehow. She tried to find the words. “And yet…” she lost steam again.

“And yet.” Kacie repeated, and Claire could hear her smile.

There was a moment of silence before Kacie spoke again.

“We’re going to do something we should have done two weeks ago–as of Monday you’re seeing a therapist. Twice a week initially, then once a week when they say it’s appropriate.”

“I don’t…” Claire tried.

“Claire, you panicked at calling someone you like ‘mx,’” Kacie gently admonished, “someone who is trying to give you exactly what I just called lovely. There’s more there.”

Kacie waited for her to respond, but she felt too emotionally exhausted to put up further resistance. What else could she say?

“We nudge all of our members to get therapy,” Kacie finally continued, “we’re just rushing you along a little.”

They sat in silence after that, Claire clinging a little less strongly, Kacie holding a little less intensely.

“So you have one too?” Claire asked.

Kacie softly nodded into Claire’s scalp. “What I do isn’t easy. What we all do isn’t easy.”