[Week 3.0]

Claire woke up on her third Sunday as a pledge feeling much more comfortable with her place in the world. She hopped out of bed and grabbed the white leather collar from her nightstand. It had grown more supple through use, better molded to her skin. She buckled it back around neck. A quick adjustment, and the clip was centered properly in the back.

She stretched, touched her toes, then ran through the sun salutation her personal trainer had shown her a few times. She almost hated how good she felt doing them—it validated the way Miriam and Delta Sigma were pushing her.

Zoey walked in from her shower just as Claire finished her third sun salutation. Her roommate put her hands on her hips and stared. “They’ve really got you working, huh?”

Claire suppressed a retort. Their friendship had grown strained since they’d joined different sororities, though if she were honest, Delta Sigma stretched that label. She’d tried to explain why she stuck with it once or twice, but the “I don’t have alternatives” answer didn’t really work when she was wearing a collar everywhere, and her own feelings were mixed with so much shame and confusion that a detailed explanation was… hard.

“Look, Claire–I care about you,” Zoey tried again, “I want to make sure you’re okay. It’s the 21st century, yeah we’re supposed to get hazed a little, but this is ridiculous.”

“They’re careful, alright?” Claire hated how defensive she sounded. Some 1950’s housewife, telling her friend that her husband only hit her when she deserved it.

“Alright, it’s just…” Zoey continued, “I asked some of my sisters about Delta Sigma, and there’s a lot of weird things going around about them. Apparently, they hold some really weird parties, and they do creepy witchy shit.”

Claire sighed. “I can definitely see the parties. But they’re not witches, they’re just a little strange. Have a well-developed sense of order about their house, you know?” She felt way too uncertain about things to be an effective advocate here. Sure she was becoming more comfortable now, but if she’d counted how often she’d cried in the first week? How often Miriam or Jacqueline or Kacie or even Arie had to comfort her?

Was this really right?

She fended off further questions by throwing on clothes and running out the door.

She’d rushed so much that she actually got to the house on Northside early. Still, almost everyone was already here. The calendar item had offered no description, besides “Group Meeting.”

Claire sat down on the couch next to Arie, who immediately placed their foot on top of hers. Persephone and Diane cuddled up on the other couch, with Becca on the floor between them. Riga had joined them, but placed herself apart. Luna sat sort of awkwardly between everyone, radiating the same discomfort she always did when confronted with a group physical touch situation.

Miriam walked in shortly after, Cheshire Cat grin on her face. Claire felt her anxiety spike. As much as she’d begun to feel safe and even submissive around Miriam, whenever she had that look she was about to push them and–

Arie’s hand wandered pushed on her thigh, interrupting the rising discomfort. The hand grounded her, and Claire placed her own on top in gratitude.

Miriam walked to the front of the room and effortlessly commanded the room’s attention.

“Alright everyone, you’ve all been adjusting really nicely. Actually, let me be more explicit about this: I’m proud of you all, and the work you’ve done to get here.” Miriam paused, and Claire saw everyone smiling, relaxed. Arie’s hand was keeping her calm, but underneath that her instincts were screaming.

“First, a few small things. Some of you have already been doing this, but from here on out servants are required to address not just their big sisters with respect anymore, but also the non-servants of their class. That means Arie, Diana, and Riga have become mx or miss to the rest of you, unless they request something else.”

Claire took a breath and held it. This was fine! She didn’t listen to their rules on dessert either! She’d just have to… see how far she could push this! And at least addressing Arie as miss sometimes didn’t seem like the worst thing in the world.

“The rule for no dessert will not apply not just to meal times, but at all times. So no more ice cream.”

Well that one was definitely going to be ignored.  It’s not like she’d gotten in trouble for it so far. At worst Diana and sometimes Riga side-eyed her.

“There’s going to be one major rule change this week,” Miriam continued, “from here on out, it won’t be up to me and the other big sisters to handle all the rule enforcement anymore. From here on, we will expect the minders in your class enforce the rules as well.”

Claire’s stomach dropped. Arie’s hand suddenly went from quiet support to a prison holding her down. She felt her head start to buzz.

“This shouldn’t come as a surprise. Who do you think enforces the rules for Neha and Allison and the rest?” Miriam stared down each of the minders in turn. “Riga, Diana, Arie. I know some of you might, for one reason or another, be hesitant to fulfill your duty here. We expect you to meet our expectations. You know the consequences for refusal. ”

Miriam looked around the room again, surveying her kingdom. Her focus dropped back to the three non-oppressed people in their group.

“And I don’t know if I need to be more explicit, but that means no more letting little Claire here get away with her hot chocolates or her breaches of protocol.”

Her stomach dropped. Everyone was going to hate her or crush her. The buzz became overwhelming, and she realized Diana’s hand was softly stroking her back. She needed to get out of here. She needed air. She– she– it wasn’t safe. But she couldn’t move. Moving would draw attention, moving wasn’t safe.

She caught enough of her surroundings to realize everyone was staring at her. “–then are we also responsible for caring for then?” Arie’s voice? Maybe?

Suddenly arms on her shoulders. Diana and Arie around her, picking her up.

Being taken to the yard. Fresh air, big spaces. Less oppressing.

They dragged her to a corner. Diana helped Arie put her down, gave her a long hug. Everything was still miles away. Diana went back inside. Claire was grateful for the space.

Was she?

Arie sat next to Claire in silence for a while, facing away from her. They were good at that, just hanging out and giving Claire the space to pull herself together, to approach. She realized she should probably get used to Mx Arie or something. Another rush of anxiety at that thought.

Her body still felt distant, but she’d come to herself enough to realize tears were running down her cheeks.

Arie spoke first. “So, it’s a lot.”

Claire just nodded and wiped away a tear.

“But did you really think this was going to go any other way?” Arie challenged, “you’ve seen Neha and Isabelle and the rest. That was always your destination.” The words were like a punch in the gut. She started crying in earnest.

She wasn’t sure what she’d expected. This was just… fear.

Arie let her lean against their shoulder. They had the mercy of not offering her pity, it would have made this situation even more unbearable.

They sat there a while, Claire crying while Arie supported her, until soft footsteps on the grass interrupted them.

Claire looked up through her tears to see Kacie approaching them. She wore an oversized sweater on yoga pants, presenting the picture of Sunday brunch comfort. She tapped Arie’s shoulder. “I think it would be best for you to go back inside, miss.”

Arie got up without a word and walked way back to the house. Meanwhile, Kacie sat down behind her and pulled Claire into her lap.

“Hello little fighter. I figured we might need to have another conversation today.”

Claire felt… angry. Kacie was someone who she had turned to, had trusted, had allowed to comfort her on that first full day.

“I know we talked about what to expect for this semester, and I didn’t warn you about this, and you probably feel pretty bad about that right now.” Claire felt to detached from her body to nod, but Kacie was nailing it so far. “I imagine you feel angry, betrayed, like you found some kind of stability with the people around you and that’s being taken away from you right now.”

Kacie’s continued ability to be right was both incredibly infuriating and equally disarming.

“I remember my own new member semester. It was… intense.”

She brushed some of Claire’s hair behind her ear.

“We were a bit worse at communication back then. Nonviolent communication, theories on power exchange–especially the trauma informed ones–are still evolving. A lot of books have come out since then, but my point is this: Miriam has read them. And lived them. So have I. So has everyone around you who is making this happen.”

She wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but Kacie’s voice was calming. Measured, grounded, strong. Certain in ways that Claire couldn’t be right now.

Claire felt herself take a deep breath. Came back into herself. Claire took a deep breath. Squeezed Kacies hand. Kacie hugged her closer, acknowledging her return to the present, and thanking her for it.

“Everyone around you understands this process and, since you so boldly put ‘no trauma’ on you entry form, probably understands why you act the way you do better than you do.”

Claire wrinkled her brow at that. She wasn’t traumatized. Sure a lot of things had been miserable when she was a kid but none of that was traumatic.

Kacie ignored her and continued. “It’s okay for this to be hard, but you’ll come out on the other side. You’ve submitted so beautifully to Miriam and Jacky. Remember how right that felt. I know they have a touch that your classmates don’t…”

The elder servant stroked her head for a moment, letting the words sink in.

“…but Miriam and Jacqueline were both like them at one point. Different too, but the same unmolded clay.”

Claire tried to turn that over in her head, tried to see someone like Riga the same way she saw Miriam. It was hard. Seeing the similarities between someone like Diana and Jacqueline… that was a little bit easier. They both had a sort of strong gentle care about them.

She tried to imagine herself like Neha or Isabelle, constantly deferential, constantly giving parts of herself away. Giving up hot chocolate. Her stomach twisted herself in knots. It was the same confusing feelings, the same fear and anxiety and things she couldn’t name, that she’d felt since her first day walking into the house on Northside.

Claire licked dry lips and spent a moment staring at the fairy lights covering the backyard porch. It took a minute to gather her thoughts.

“Why can’t I just be submissive to you all in those moments? When someone like Miriam or Jacqueline pushes? Why isn’t that enough? Why does it have to be constant?” she asked.

Kacie sighed. “You know the answer to that. We’re teaching you to submit. It wouldn’t be much teaching if all you learned was how to let an expert lead you. And the constancy… our house is structured that way. There’s people in our world who are submissive to different degrees. But what’s holding you back right now is fear, and at Delta Sigma that’s not an acceptable reason.”

She adjusted Claire in her lap. Her arms came around Claire’s upper chest and stomach, but it didn’t feel like a trap. It felt safe, like a heavy blanket.

“So we need to teach you to let go,” Kacie continued, “to find the submission right of you. And as for being pushed—it’s not fair to let your partner do all the work. You need to be able to lean in and dive deep and submit actively, even when the other person isn’t a super experienced dominant like Miriam or Jacqueline who knows how to take even when you’re resisting. Even when it’s someone who still need to learn to provide care, like Arie.”

Claire was about to interrupt and defend Arie—they were one of the most comfortable people in all of Delta Sigma—but Kacie moved the hand she had on Claire’s chest to her head, and expertly interrupted her.

“We could not teach you ballet, and just position you every time. We could not work on etiquette and cues and just prompt you ever time. We could not work on your knowledge of self, and just have a psych student like Jacqueline figure you out every time. But then you wouldn’t be growing, and you wouldn’t be particularly special, and you’d be contributing nothing to this community.”

Claire felt herself chided, but it was mellowed by the way Kacie was nuzzling into the back of her head and playing with her scalp.

“There’s many people out there who fantasize about some kind of perfect dominant space alien abducting them and taking care of them, with no effort on their own required. But D/s is like partner dancing: It only reaches its full potential if two skilled people work together to make magic.”

Claire nodded. She took a deep breath. Tried to open herself to Kacie’s words.

“Incidentally,” Kacie added, “a skilled submissive will elevate an unskilled dominant almost as much as the reverse. None of this is about erasing you.”

“I feel very erased, though.” Claire tilted her head back and tried to look at Kacie’s face.

The older girl twisted her body, and turned Claire’s sideways.

“It’s scary. And that’s okay.”

Claire shifted so she leant more properly into Kacie and wrapped her arms around her as tight as she could.

Kacie kept up the same low tones. “It’s going to be scary. It’s also going to hurt sometimes. They won’t be perfect. But the important thing to remember is that you have dozens of people here who care about you, who will put in as much work as necessary to put you back together. So that if and when you get hurt, it’s growth, not trauma.”

Claire only nodded and clung tighter. Kacie let her, and just continued stroking her hair.

They stayed that way for a while, just listening to the birds and watching the yard.

“I don’t know what to do next,” Claire admitted, “I know I need to go back in there, but I don’t know how.”

“Hmmm.” Kacie looked at the sky. “If I were you, I would go back in there, doing your most perfect walk. Then I would walk up to whichever of the doms I felt the most comfortable around–I’m guessing for you it’s Arie–then go to where they’re sitting, and just kneel in front of them. Don’t do anything else, just kneel–the same way you would in front of Jacqueline or Miriam in your private sessions.”

She pulled Claire up a little, taking them back from laying against the tree to sitting up. Claire clutched a little tighter.

It was such a simple motion but it was so much more.

Kacie let her cling. “It’s going to feel scary at first, the same way it did with Miriam. But just sit with those feelings, notice that nothing horrible is happening, and just get used to it. And I promise whoever you choose will appreciate it.”

Claire nodded into Kacie’s chest. She turned the idea over in her head. She blinked a few times, tried to relax her body.

“You can do it.” There was a finality in Kacie’s words, and Claire caught the gentle dismissal in them.

The future servant pulled herself out of Kacie’s lap and stood up. The other girl rose up with the elegance that Claire herself was only beginning to learn. Kacie gave her a final big hug.

Claire walked back into the house, through the kitchen to the living room. Miriam had stopped speaking, but Isabelle was giving another presentation about some historical or cultural thing.

One or two eyes turned towards her. Becca, concerned. Diana, warm and checking in. Riga… Claire couldn’t figure out what Riga was feeling. And finally Arie, expectant.

Step by step, Claire walked to the far side of the living room, around the back couches. Isabelle thankfully didn’t interrupt her talk, didn’t make any comments, didn’t even look at her.

Around the outside of the couch, around the front. That slight smirk from Arie that touched something deep in her gut–but also brought the fear back. Pushing through. Just two more steps.

Claire reached where Arie was sitting, let her knees sink down, watched her balance so she’d reach the ground softly, and knelt.

The fear expanded, her chest tightened a little, and some of that buzzing seemed to echo in the back of her head.

But she sat with it.

And the world didn’t explode.