You had this conversation with Sarah, I tell myself as I sit down at our table in the VU, and it went fine.  It will go okay with Gabi, too.  Sarah said it would.  I trust Sarah.  It doesn’t help.  My heart is still pounding in my ears when I spot Gabi enter the building and head for the lunch trays.

She’s a reasonable and kindhearted person.  She’ll understand.  Nope, try again.

The worst thing she can do is break up with you.

Why would you even say that?!

Gabi sits down, startling me back to the present.  “Hey, Babes.  What’s up?”

I force myself to meet her eyes.  “I need to talk about yesterday morning.”

“I thought we already did,” she says, confusion written on her face.  “We each learned something.  I say we move on.”  She gives me an encouraging smile.

“I did it on purpose,” I blurt out.  Perfect opening.  Ugh.

“Excuse me?”  She looks taken aback, as well she should.

“Not on purpose on purpose, but….  Bloody hell!  I had this conversation all planned out and now I’m making a mess of it.”

“Trix.”  She grabs my hand.  “Take a deep breath.”  I do so.  “I’m gonna trust there’s more to it than that.  Take your time.  Say what you mean.  I’ll be patient and wait ’til you’re finished, okay?”

“Okay.  Thank you.”  I take another deep breath.  “Okay, so Saturday night when you asked if I could help with the thing with Sarah, I said yes, because making her forget a conversation is totally fine with me.  But then you said the thing about tying her up, and, well, I wanted you two to have fun, so I agreed, but I shouldn’t have.  I was jealous.  I wanted to tie her up first since I’m her domme, and she and I have never done ropes before.  It seemed like a rite of passage that I was giving up.

“Then yesterday morning, I was upset with myself, but hadn’t really figured out why yet.  Subconsciously, I think I was angry at you, and while, consciously, I just wanted to play with you, I think part of me was also trying to punish you for real.  It was wrong, and I am so, so sorry, Gabi.”

She stares at me for a few seconds, expression unreadable.  “I’m done,” I say.

“I… see.”  Heh, that’s what Sarah said.  “I think I need a little time to process that.”  Shit.  The blood drains from my face, and a pit lodges itself firmly in my stomach.  “Can we just sit here for a few minutes?”  Shit shit shit.

“Yes.  Of course.”  It takes all of my willpower to sit still and silent, just mechanically chewing my food I can’t taste.  Hours pass, maybe even days.  I spend that time cross-examining what I had just said.  It was a jumbled mess, bordering on incoherence.  Did she understand what I meant?  Should I clarify?  No.  She said she needed time to process.  Breathe.  Just breathe.

“Okay,” she says at last.  “It hurts, but we can get past this.  You look on the verge of panic, and there’s no need for that.  Thank you for telling me.  That must have been hard.  And, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I asked you to do something you were uncomfortable with.  I didn’t mean to steal anything from you and Sarah.”

I nod.  “She and I talked, and I feel better about it, but I still owe you this apology.”

“Apology accepted.  However,” she says, her expression becoming less confident, “I think for the time being I’m going to ask that you not use your ability on me unless I request it or explicitly consent to it.  I know that puts a damper on experimenting, and I’m sorry for that.”

My face falls.  “I deserve that.”

“Oh, hon, don’t take it that way.  It’s not a punishment.  Look, you and Sarah are something special.  You trust each other implicitly and apparently have since your very first conversation.  That’s wonderful, but it’s not us.  You and I are just starting to get to know each other, and being in a throuple—having me involved in your and Sarah’s kinky fantasies—it complicated things.  Those games spilled into our relationship, and I should have said something earlier.  I didn’t, and now we’re here.

“Despite appearances, I’m really not that into BDSM.  I enjoy a taste here and there, and I’m developing an appreciation, but I prefer to be more vanilla.  I hope that’s not a dealbreaker for you.”  I shake my head violently.  “Good.  I’d hate to lose you, ’cause I’m crazy about you, Trixy.  Let’s just take some time to build that trust.”

“I’d like that,” I say, finding I can smile again.  “I’m crazy about you, too, Gabs.”

“Wanna make everyone around us jealous?”

“Absolutely.”  She leans in for a kiss, our lips lock, and everything is right in the world.

Except patriarchy.  Fuck patriarchy.