Creatures of the Compact
Arguers
by NewTrickyNuisance
Tw for so much vocabulary
Carried forth on the torrential winds of fate to Tamerengi Valehirsh,
You are wrong. And forever will continue to be wrong. Proof of this enduring, unchangeable fact can be seen in addendum 52-B of my previously mentioned monographs — written on the truly complex layers of exact incorrectness which sincerely must be amended.
I implore that you learn to stop being so constantly wrong or, alternately, shut up for the rest of your incredibly long existence.
With horror at your impropriety and revulsion at your general existence, Buwauu of the Pachrpiin
Falling like leaves on an errant breeze to the Floret-In-Progress Buwauu Bakbak,
If you reference footnote 15 of subsection 33 in the secondary paper I sent you — Reasons to Opt Into Domestication: A Dissertation on Deadly Cuteness and Dastardly Precious Sophonts Everywhere, A Summary — then you will surely find yourself either calmed or reassured.
I am aware that creatures of your adorable stature oftentimes struggle with the fact that they are, indeed, in need of care and love. You are no feralist, my teetering little egg, though you’re nearly as petulant as one.
I suggest a long and hard walk over to the nearest domestication center. I hope, in my deepest most vital roots, to see you domesticated with such extreme affection that the world trembles in terror of it.
With abundant fondness and equally abundant exasperation, Tamarengi of the Affini
Risen from the powdery shores like a washed up ball of seaweed to Tamarengi Valehirsh,
I did the appropriate research needed to understand that this threat of yours was indeed genuine and in fact one of the gravest possible aggressions your people can make against a ‘lesser’ lifeform. One must wonder how effective a threat it is — do you truly believe that I am so leperous as to fear affection? What new lows we have dropped to, truly.
I hope the air falters in your lungs. I hope the fates dash your keel against the cliffs of regret and disappointment.
Face me like a real scholar. We fight at dawn.
With only the most severe and potent spite, Buwauu of the Pachrpiin
Carried on the winds of fate to Buwauu Bakbak,
No.
With grave disappointment, Tamarengi of the Affini
Greetings Buwauu,
This is just a quick reminder that physically threatening other sophonts can and has been used in the Committee as reason for domestication.
You seemed to have made this out of frustration rather than real intent to harm but it is still quite concerning to hear that you’ve done this! I hope that you can both learn to calm yourselves before it reaches this point again.
Trust me when I say Tamarengi is getting a stern talking to from me as soon as I return but you aren’t off the hook either.
This is, to be honest, very confusing to me. But I am sure we can all come to a quick, lovely agreement.
Genuinely, Sara of the Humans
Crawling over defeatedly and yet angrily to Tamarengi,
It has come to my attention that you and your people have decided that I am ‘volatile’ and ‘full of anger’ because I ‘bite people’ and ‘frequently threaten to bite more people’ and ‘don’t feel bad about the biting.’ I have disagreed with this and filed the requisite paperwork.
I refuse to be involuntarily domesticated. You, of all people, will know that I find involuntary domestication to be a barbarous practice which reflects poorly on all of you. An ultimate in violent debate where there can be no further discussion, not when half the participants are not in fully working condition.
The Ways of the Great Arguers must be listened to as we philosophize. I still believe this.
Wardship, however, is beautifully composed. It should be how all domestication is laid out, with clear rules and more than clear intent. Most end in domestication but that is the sophont’s decision, turning this violence into a wonderful reshaping of both body and mind until they are worthy vessels for the soul living within.
That is not why we are here, though.
I am not here to ask for wardship. I am here to demand voluntary domestication from you, my most furious of rivals. I will lose against you on the most equal of fields and then you will be required by law to cuddle me.
Several dissertations on why this must happen will arrive in due time.
With great expectations, Buwauu of the Pachrpiin
[Formalized Term of Endearment] Buwauu,
What? What is happening? Please explain. The pachrpiinaam clerks are all laughing behind my back. Nobody will explain.
You were just fighting them?
Genuinely, Sara of the Humans
Whispered condescendingly through river reeds to Sahrah of the Humans,
It’s called foreplay,
With amusement, Buwauu of the Pachrpiin
The classic pachrpiinaam courting styles are as follows:
- Fight them until they fuck you
- Debate them until they fuck you
- Send them a strongly worded letter on the benefits of fucking you
The standard ‘marriage ceremony’ is actually just a three day long negotiation of boundaries and then a two day long period of doing whatever they find the most fun and finally, finally a one day period spent entirely silent. The Devotion Vigil is the first thing most birds refuse to do, if they’re willing to against the tradition of it.
It really sucks to not argue even though you just got yourself A Whole New Fun debate partner/girlfriend to argue with.