I've been going to Silver Mountain Ministries ever since I was a girl. My family went there for a while before I was born. It's one of the biggest megachurches in the country, been around since the 90s. It's located near an intersection of Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas and Oklahoma. The place gets a congregation from four different states. Fully packed, that's thirty-five thousand people.

For as long as I've lived, I never went anywhere that could truly make me feel like I was part of the crowd like the Easter or Christmas Day service. I even went to Dallas with my ex-boyfriend once to see a Cowboys game and it didn't quite match. Even though I've just started going to college, I can still attend. I like the feeling of community it has. A lot of my friends go and we usually have lunch with my parents afterward.

Then there's him. Pastor Clive Malcolm. I heard a bit about him before he took over as head pastor after Dillon Nash passed away. I'd heard some of her sermons before he got the big chair. The guy's only twenty-eight but it's like he was born to be a preacher. He's so dynamic, so spirited, so well spoken. He's not afraid of criticizing people who claim to be Christian but act nothing like it.

Brave too, he didn't hesitate to defend himself when when his credentials were called into question by some people from a baptist university. Not only that, but he didn't flinch when one of those foaming at the mouth weirdos from Oxbrook came by and pointed a pistol at him, screaming he was a false shepherd. He's everything a pastor should be.

And right there's the problem. I've been having some very...'not safe for work' thoughts about him for  a while. He's not just on fire for the Lord. He's...hot. I'm talking surfing magazine cover model hot. Slick brown hair, clean shaven, sharp green eyes and the perfect combination of sleek and muscular. Well dressed too. Add his energy to the mix and I've almost been overwhelmed during some of his sermons. My heart pounds, I feel like I've got a fever going, and I just sort of lose myself. That's really the best way to describe it.

I'm honestly stunned that he's not married, and I'm a little bit happy to hear that as well. Not that I'm planning on getting into a relationship with him! I wouldn't have much of a problem if he was interested in me though...

I really can't to that many people about this but there is one thing going for me. I'm not the only girl in the congregation who feels 'swept away' by Pastor Malcolm. Some of my friends think he's attractive too. My friend Shelly said that Christ chose well when he chose Malcolm to spread His word. When I told her I agreed, Gretchen just laughed. 

"He could be an Incubus in disguise and it wouldn't bother me one bit." The rest of the girls and I looked at her in shock. Gretchen rolled her eyes.

"Oh come on. You know you'd do quite a bit if meant having a shot with him!" 

The thing was though, Gretchen was right. I couldn't tell anyone this but what I feel for Pastor Malcolm isn't just admiration and love. It's this need to serve him, to do as he instructs me. The fundies always go one about how women are supposed to submit to men and to be honest, the idea of submitting to him just drives me crazy. Some part of me wants to show submission to him. I've dreamt of sucking his cock from under the pulpit while he preached to thousands. 

I can't tell my friends about this. I can't even tell Pastor Malcolm this. How am I supposed to get my pastor's advice on overcoming temptation when he is the temptation? It's so confusing.

I can find the strength to keep it together though. He's holding a special 'women only' service this Sunday. He wants to talk about a lot of the misconceptions Christian women are led to believe. The place is gonna be packed to the rafters from what I hear. My weird feelings for him aside, this should be interesting.