[Selections from the Miss Emily's Etiquette Advice column, November 17th, 2017]

"Dear Miss Emily,

I'm a woman in my forties who's recently attracted the attentions of a much younger man who lives in my apartment building. While I'm flattered by his interest, I can't seem to get him to understand that it wouldn't be appropriate for anything to happen between us, and he's even resorted to playing hypnosis files on his phone whenever we're together in an attempt to get me 'in the mood'. Naturally they don't work, but it is a sign of just how strong his affections for me have become that he'd even consider such a thing. Don't get me wrong, he's a handsome boy, very winsome and charming, but I can't help feeling like I'd be taking advantage of his youth by starting any kind of a relationship with him. My question is, how many hours of these files do I need to listen to in order to be a good host when he visits, and how many times do I need to entertain him before I can politely remind him that it's not exactly reasonable to simply 'drop in' on your neighbor? Sincerely, Worn Out in Washington"

Dear Worn,

As someone who's received more than a few hypnosis files from admirers over the years, I think the most important question to ask is: Did he make them himself? Any young man can simply download something off the Internet in the hopes of wooing the girl of their dreams, but very few of them are willing to go to the time and effort it takes to craft the kind of personalized message it takes to truly melt a woman's heart. Since you told me you keep letting him in, even though your better judgment keeps telling you it can only be encouraging him to think he has a chance to win your affections, I'm guessing these files may be working better than you imagine. My advice is to ask him for a copy, spend a night or two listening to them, and by the end of it all I think you'll know whether or not you want to welcome this young Romeo into your bed. Good luck!

"Dear Emily,

I'm a mostly happily married woman, and up until a few months ago I thought the spark might have gone out of my marriage for good. But recently my libido seems to have discovered its second wind, as it were, and now I'm the one begging my husband to stay up late and watch dirty movies while we have a roll in the hay... or three, or four. I know it sounds like I don't have a care in the world, but recently I discovered that he joined some kind of Internet forum for men who like to use covert hypnosis to increase a woman's sex drive! I wouldn't be upset if I found out that was what he was doing (between you and me, I think I'd be kind of turned on by the idea) but I'd at least like to know if he had his grubby little fingerprints all over my one and only brain. What's a polite way to bring up the question of whether I've been brainwashed into obedience, and what should I do if he says yes? Yours truly, Concerned in Chicago"

Dear Concerned,

Obviously a subject like this can be a very thorny one to broach, even for a couple that's been together for many years and has a high degree of trust built up already. The most important part is to ensure that the topic is discussed in an atmosphere of comfort and intimacy that doesn't make your husband feel like you might withdraw your affections if you don't like the answers he's giving. I would recommend waiting until you're already being intimate with him, and present yourself in a submissive manner to make it very clear that you still see him as the 'man of the house'--obviously the best way to make him feel like a king in his castle would be with some oral attention, but unless you're secretly a ventriloquist that might be somewhat difficult. So wrap your mammaries around his member, practice your best breathy giggle, and say, 'Have you ever thought about hypnotizing me? Because that would be sooooo hot.' Either he'll confess, or he'll start learning how to swing a pocket watch.

"Dear Miss Emily,

I'm a college student out on her own and away from home for the very first time, and I managed to luck into an apartment just off-campus so I don't have to stay at the dorms. My landlord's an older man, and at first I was worried that he might be renting to young women like me to 'take advantage' of us--there are six apartments in my building, and every one of them is occupied by a busty blonde with a... shall we say robust backside? But as it turns out, he's been nothing but respectful, and honestly the only time I even notice he's there at all is when he plays loud music from his room in the basement. (It's got to be pretty loud, because the girls above me say they can hear it too!) The point is, I'm feeling very guilty about all those uncharitable thoughts I had, and I was thinking about finding some way of making it up to him. Do you think that showing up in his bedroom as a surprise would be an acceptable way of apologizing for thinking he was some kind of lech who planned to secretly hypnotize me into wanting him, and if so is there any kind of special etiquette for this kind of unexpected visit? Thanks so much, Guilty Girl With the Junky Trunk"

Dear Guilty,

First, let me reassure you that you don't have anything to feel ashamed over. These days, it's rare for a young woman to reach the age of twenty-five without getting hypnotized at least once, and honestly your expectations for your first time out on your own were anything but unreasonable even if your landlord sounds like the same kind of perfect gentleman I deal with at my own apartment complex. (In fact, I wonder if we might not be living in the same building!) That said, it's never a bad idea to let a man like that know how much you appreciate him, and certainly I have to imagine that he'd welcome a surprise visit from a beautiful young college student who doesn't mind his musical tastes. Wear something loose and comfortable, put on something lacy and frilly underneath it, and let him know how much you like the way he's been treating you. If he's anything like my landlord, he might give you a break on the rent!

"Dear Emily,

It seems like I've been noticing a concerning trend in my interactions with the opposite sex of late. I don't know what it is, but every man I talk to has developed a habit of trying to hypnotize me, almost before I can even get a word in edgewise let alone tell them I'd prefer not to have my mind messed with! I know they're saying there've been new developments in the so-called 'science of hypnosis' that make it easier to put people into irresistible trances, but I don't see why that should mean that men everywhere have the right to AirDrop hypnosis videos to my phone or start every conversation with 'Look into my eyes'. Surely you of all people can't think it's acceptable to implant all these triggers and suggestions and turn perfectly sweet girls like me into blank-eyed, forgetful sluts. Weigh in, please, before men everywhere get the idea that our brains are nothing but toys for their amusement! Signed, Frustrated"

Dear Frustrated,

I fear that this is the problem with spending so much time on the Internet these days--everyone starts seeing conspiracy theories everywhere they turn. Don't get me wrong, I've encountered quite a few hypnotists myself in my daily interactions, and I'll admit that a little bit of trance is becoming inextricably intertwined with the regular fabric of social engagement. But to stretch this out into the notion that every man is a would-be lothario with sinister intentions behind their patter, and they're all secretly implanting suggestions to make women unquestioningly obedient without even realizing it, sounds like the kind of conspiracy that belongs in a 70s thriller and not your everyday life. I myself have had dozens of encounters with men who've developed exactly the kind of talents you find so nefarious, and I think if they were doing anything to my brain to render me more vulnerable to their wiles I would have noticed by now. I suggest you relax, strike up a few conversations with these men you're so petrified of, and before you know it all those fears of yours will seem so foolish you'll forget you ever had them. The best etiquette for dealing with hypnotists is to listen carefully.

"Dear Miss Emily,

I don't want to think of myself as a prude, but I can't help feeling like I'm a little bit out of touch with the atmosphere of sexual permissiveness that seems to have pervaded our society of late. It seems like everywhere I turn, licentious language and behaviour that would once have made my grandmother blush is now so readily accepted that even the arbiters of politesse don't bat an eyelash at recommending all sorts of uninhibited bedroom antics. You've been publishing your column for a long time--do you think there's been a change in society's attitudes towards sex over the years? Has this trend for hypnosis in the everyday led to higher libidos and lower inhibitions? Am I right in believing that men are much quicker to expect their every interaction to end up in the bedroom, and women are encouraged to smile and nod and treat this new debauchery as commonplace? Signed, Positively Remembering Undersexed Days Everywhere"

Dear PRUDE,

First, I don't want you to think I'm some old lady just because I've been writing this column for a long time! I started answering etiquette questions as Miss Emily when I was still a fresh-faced young intern with a burning passion for polite behavior, and even though I'm closer to fifty now than forty, rest assured I can still turn plenty of heads. Which brings me to something of an admission--yes, I have noticed that the standards of society have loosened up a bit in recent years, particularly when it comes to using hypnosis as a social lubricant rather than booze. (A trend that frankly couldn't be more welcome, given the dangers of overindulging in alcohol--few are the women who've wound up driving while under the influence of a swinging pendant!) But unlike you, PRUDE, I've come to welcome this relaxed state of affairs. I've found that when men are more open and honest about their desires, it encourages a certain amount of comfortable honesty... and being around men who are themselves lets me admit what I really want too. If anything, I hope that we get even freer with our so-called morals--it can only make for better days ahead!

[The Miss Emily column would run for another three weeks after this installment, ending abruptly on December 8th 2017 when Gisella Krasinski--the woman known to America as Miss Emily--announced that she was stepping down to focus on her impending nuptials. She retired from public life entirely, although she and her husband became well-known locally for their extravagant parties, and to this day no one has filled the vacancy she left behind. The trend she commented on here, and in several other columns in the two to three months preceding this one, appears to have been short-lived, and there's been almost no discussion of supposedly 'irresistible' hypnosis in the years since. Like the vast majority of Internet phenomena, it made a brief and memorable splash before disappearing virtually overnight.]

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