The day passes unremarkably to the next. I’m not productive. I don’t sleep at all. I’m waiting for that knock on my door. The one that tells me the rest of my life is going to be okay because we’re together. I don’t hear it Tuesday morning either. I sneak away on my lunch to call my mom. The one person who I’d usually confide in is… I need to give him space to work things out. He said he’d be back. He said he loved me. I just need to actually believe. Wholeheartedly. 

“Mom?” I begin the call, “Can we talk?” I can’t help sounding choked up. It’s just been a hard day. 

*“Of course honey! What’s wrong? Work giving you trouble?” Oh I wish. 

“I um– It’s related to Jamie? James.”

*“I know who he is dear. Hell I’ve only known him for freaking 9 years!”

“10 years Mom. But, well– So I haven’t told you this but I am-

*“Completely in love with him right?” Eh? 

“Mom?!” Was I really that obvious?

*“C’mon Amanda! You practically floated whenever he was in the room! A mother knows these things.” I guess I was that obvious. I sigh. It really has been 10 years. 10 years of wanting but never having. Now I had him and pushed him away. 

“Yeah.” I finally concede breathlessly. I pinch my eyes trying not to cry. I am fairly visible in the parking lot at where I work. 

*“Did he finally propose to that broad?” My stomach pitfalls. Oh Jesus what if thats what they did? I was just fixing Jamie’s problem, giving him a sex-filled send-off from bachelor-dom. He wouldn’t use me like that. He wouldn’t. 

“I don’t know.” It feels like a rock went down my throat. “I don’t think so.”

*“Tell me hon.” So I do. Everything. Well… not everything. I leave out the graphic details. I just say the truth. 

“It was everything I ever dreamed of. I’ve only ever dreamed of him Mom.” The tears begin to flow, no matter the soothes of my mom. I just feel so helpless. “I don’t know what to do Mommy. I don’t think I can bear losing him.” 

*“Honey, this boy told you he loves you. Now unless he’s pulling it out of his ass, he really means it. And he’s got to know how much torment you’re in. So he’ll be back soon. If he’s not, he just ain’t worth it!” I nod, even though she can’t hear it. That call gives me the strength to get through the rest of my day, but when I arrive home to an empty driveway, I crumble. I don’t cry, because I don’t have the energy to cry. My head falls against my steering wheel for a couple minutes. I drift back to the weekend, where everything was okay and we spent every minute together. Maybe thats all I get, just a weekend. Just a blip.

*TAP TAP TAP TAP*

I snap my head up to see a dark outline outside my car window. Yes! I open up the door and spring out of my seat. Finally he’s here and we–

It’s Grace. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 

“Hi Amanda. Can we talk?” Her hands are folded together. Maybe she’s doing her best not to smack me. She is at my house! I’m fucked! 

“Uh, what about?” How does one sound stupid? I think I’m well across that line. 

“James broke up with me last night.” My heart which was about to split gets instantly mended. Still not out of the woods yet, she still might kill me, but hey, I’ll die happy. Knowing he loves me. Shit, my mouth is still hanging open. Say something!

“Oh no.” Jesus Christ could I sound more fake? 

“Listen, did he say something when he came over last weekend? I know we fought, but I thought it was just a little rough patch.” She doesn’t sound overly broken up about all this, in a way that makes me pinch my brow together. 

“Uh-” I struggle to find words. What can I say? Do I lie? “He didn’t say a lot.” Technically true, his face was occupied. “He was upset that he disappointed you.” Good job Mandy. Thats a solid, truthful answer.

“Well does he know that I don’t care about that? I’m okay with his problem– oh god. I can’t even say it.” Grace turns, walking towards my steps. I think she’s about to head inside before she spins again and plops down on the third step. Her face ends up in her hands. I pad over to her hesitantly, worried she might break into tears. Definitely not equipped to handle that. I slide into a spot next to her, unsure of what to say. “I don’t know why I can’t deal with it. You know what his issue is right?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “I know.” Too much. 

“I just wanted more. I mean I still want more, if he wanted to try again. But I just need more intimacy. Do I sound like a bad person?” Oh Grace. Maybe you’re not so bad after all. 

“You’re not bad person.” I cover her hand with mine. “Everyone deserves the love they need. Sometimes, the needs and capabilities of our partners doesn’t mesh. It doesn’t mean he didn’t care about you, or that you didn’t care about him. If something is missing you have to decide if you want to sacrifice that for the sake of the relationship.” Grace sniffles a little, before peering up at me.

“You should be a therapist Amanda. That was really good.” 

“Thanks.” We both stand. “So whats the deal with the apartment then?”

“He moved out yesterday. Bought me a breakup dinner. Told me it’s mine. Sounded like he had made up his mind fully.” We are silent for a minute. I have to pick what I want to say. 

I go with, “I hope things work out for you Grace.” I follow it with a weak smile. She does the same.

“You too.” Grace turns and shuffles away, her arms crossing awkwardly. I see her get in her car parked down the street. As she drives off, I sigh to myself, unsure of my moral standing. She wouldn’t understand if I told her the truth, she’d just be hurt by it. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m a terrible person. 

My steps creek as I stand. As I turn the key in the lock on my door, I realize I didn’t hear a click. I never leave my door unlocked. An aroma greets me as I enter. Candles. Two lines of them, lit. I have carpet, meaning this is a major fire hazard. But as tears fill my eyes, I don’t care. The candles go up my steps, so I follow. With each step my heart beats faster. He’s here, he hasn’t left me, but do I even deserve him? I finally reach my door, which is cracked ajar. It creaks as I slowly open it. Jamie was sitting, probably waiting for a while, but he stands as I enter, his eyes lighting up. 

“Hi Mandy.” He greets gently. I can’t meet his eyes.

“This is a fire hazard.” My voice breaks before I can finish. Jamie wraps me in a hug before the first sob gets out. After that, I can’t hold it in anymore. My knees are weak, he lowers me to the floor. His hand keeps my wreck of a face against his chest, softly petting my hair. 

“I’m sorry I took so long Mandy. It hurt like hell, but I had to sort some stuff out.”

“It’s not,” I sniffle, “It’s not that.” Jamie’s back tightens. I pull my face away from his body, looking up at him through blurry eyes. “Are we terrible people?” Jamie scans my face, his own twisting in a expression of inward pain. 

“No- God no baby. Don’t think that.” He clutches me to his chest again. I turn my head, pressing my cheek into his heat. 

“Grace was here. She was upset, hurt. If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be together. I did steal you.” I can barely hear my excuse for a voice. I feel so small, even in Jamie’s embrace. 

“Baby, look at me.” I swallow, finding the courage to look at the man I love. He clutches my face with both of his hands. “You did steal my heart. The night before our first Calculus midterm, studying in the library. Your laugh, your tired eyes and terrible attention span stole all of me that night. No one else stood a chance. We are not, and you especially are not, a bad person for not wanting to spend another minute lying to ourselves. Grace will be fine. We will finally be happy.” His thumbs wipe away the last of my tears. I can’t help but stare back at his beautiful hazel eyes with wonder. How did I get so lucky to meet him? My best friend, who loves me and holds me and says the perfect thing to make me feel better? 

“I love you.” I finally squeak. Jamie smiles his unreal smile, the one that makes me feel gooey inside, and pulls me into a kiss. I crawl into his lap as it deepens, my tongue exploring every part of his mouth. I want to have the whole thing memorized. Jamie pulls back, making me whimper, but the smile on his face eases my desperation. It fixes a lot of problems, that damned smile. 

“You didn’t even see the bed!” He stands me up, spinning me in his arms so I can see it. On the comforter there lies a message in rose petals. It’s not very readable, Jamie has terrible handwriting, but it looks like it says, “Be my girlfriena + Everything after?”

“Girlfriena?”

“I might’ve ran out of rose petals. Had to steal the top of the d. I actually had spread them on the stairs, but then I was writing the message and was like, ‘Holy shit this takes a lot of petals,’ So I had to go back and pick all of them up-”

“It’s perfect” I interrupt him by pulling him down for another messy kiss. “But-”

“What?” He asks nervously. 

“What’s everything after Jamie?” My voice has a mischievous tone. I have a feeling his awkwardness is going to be amusing. My silly Jamie. 

“Well you know…” Red fills his face.

“No, I don’t. Do tell.”

“Fiance, after a normal amount of time.” I drop my head and look up at him, giving my best sad disappointed puppy eyes look. I even pout my lip. “Fine. After an expedited amount of time,” He waits for my agreement, which I give enthusiastically with a nod, “Then Wife. Love of my life. Mother of my children. The hen in our empty nest. Fellow senior citizen. By my side for whatever is after that. Not a lot right?”

“Jamie,” I gasp. My amusal turns to overwhelming joy. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks once again, now for a completely different reason. Jamie takes my face in his hands, wiping my cheeks with his thumbs the same way. He leans down to kiss below each of my eyes, drying them instantly. 

“This is it for me Mandy. You’re it.” 

“Jamie?”

“Yeah?”

“If you don’t blow out all those candles and pin me down on this bed soon, I’m going to fucking explode.” He smiles. 

“On it.” As he runs out of the bedroom, I slowly peel off my clothes. Jamie returns, out of breath, to find me on my back, laying on the bed of petals. “It takes a lot of air to blow out that many cand-” I spread my legs, baring myself to him. “-les.” Jamie drops to his knees, crawling to the edge of the bed where my wetness waits for him. He doesn’t have anytime to catch his breath before his tongue and lips are on me. I let my head fall back, relaxing into him. His hands pin my thighs against his head, trapping him in. His enthusiasm makes me think he might never want to leave. My eyes roll back into my head. Soon, I am convulsing around him, moaning his name even if he can’t hear it. Unbridled joy follows the wave of ecstasy. He is here, with me. Forever. I’ve never felt like this, so loved. I didn’t make my best friend fall in love with me.

He already was.