August 30th

Dear Diary,

The days stretch long and drift into even longer nights. I have found I no longer have patience for my life as it once was. It bores me. The same speeches every few days. The same blank stares looking back at me as if there was nothing in their heads at all. It would drive lesser people insane to put up with. It ignites in me a rage.

During my final lecture earlier, the silence, the resounding silence when I asked if there were any questions, it broke something in me. I snapped, screaming that all of those young minds were wasted potential. That they held no feasible comprehension of what I was saying and how they would toil their lives in triviality. Wasted in absolute eternity. Never to be anything more than animals clawing at the doors of their masters.

Only after my tirade did I finally notice their attention, fixated on me. I felt powerful and could feel the electricity building in my hands. My anger and rage had set my magic aflame just waiting to break free. Still though, I held their attention. I held their minds in the palm of my hand. And yet all I did was pack up my belongings and leave without a word.

Only upon reaching home did I breathe calmly. The energy within me electrifying the room. I could suddenly feel everything, every inch, every molecule of every object in the room. It was as if I could sense them, manipulate them even. And yet as I try to reach out and touch them, I received no return of reaction. Still the magic confounds and resists my grip on the world around me.

I have booked a train ticket. Tomorrow morning I will begin my journey out of my home country and to another. I have bags to pack, many to pack as I suspect I will not be returning home for some time. I am grateful I own my residence and have spoken to a neighbor about maintaining my plants in my stead. Some part of me fears I will return to them already dead, or not return to them at all.

The risks of this journey I set out on are great. I have done my fair share of research and the country, while small, is known to be a location of great magical significance. There are stories and rumors of fantastical creatures, strange happenstance, and dark occult murders happening. I suspect that is why I must go, to learn more, discern the truth from the myth. Still, I find myself standing on the edge of the gateway to hell and choosing to walk through it.

A deep part of my mind can rationalize my obsession and fears what has become of me and what yet will befall me. I know it exists and yet I choose to repress it because of what else there is to learn. I have always been more preoccupied with my need to learn and evolve. In the end, truly nothing else matters beyond that goal. Even should it result in my downfall.

Still I must finish my preparations for my journey. To that end I will leave my final words on the matter here. I’ll be leaving behind my studies for my travel to see if I can clear my mind before my arrival. I find that perhaps the obsession I find myself in currently needs a respite before it consumes me entirely in the coming months.

Forever Yours,

Eleanor Ducal

September 4th

Dear Diary,

I have not reached for the forces that call to me from the beyond for four days now. I feel them call to me in all waking hours, which has become all hours as sleep has now become entirely elusive to me.

On the first day of my journey, I checked into my cabin aboard my train bound for new lands. The other passengers seemed pleasant enough, even going so far as to ask my opinion or advice while in one of the common cars. One couple, an elderly pair, they seemed so happy together, engulfed in their own love, still had time to tell me of how they were going on a trip around the world. There were so many magnificent places. They seemed so full of life, always talking about their adventurous exploits and each new land they went to. They were quite entertaining, for a while.

That evening, upon returning to my cabin, full of food, drink, and stories, I bathed and set myself to prepare for bed when I felt it. It was as if all of my nerves were suddenly numbed. All sensations slowed, time began to warp my distortion of reality as if everything was suddenly dulled from the fine tip it had been. I tried to reach out for energy, power, but it wasn’t there. There was nothing, just a soft fuzzy emptiness. 

Fear set into me, but as I lay there in my bed, waiting, slowly sensations returned as I drifted into a hollow slumber. There I lay, just on the edge of full sleep but never folding into it. By morning, I felt no more rested than I had the night before.

The strange sensations continued into the next day. I found that randomly, multiple times while eating, my hands would suddenly shake and twitch causing me to make a mess of myself. I found that I was losing time, small gaps in my memory that would slip away into darkness. Only mere seconds, but during that time I would lose all concept of myself.

I resigned myself to my cabin, opting for food deliveries instead three times daily. I would not allow whatever had possessed me to consume me in front of the other elites on board this train. I would remain myself no matter what trials faced me.

By the morning of the third day, I could no longer bear the reflection of myself in the mirror. Without sleep, my eyes had become puffy and sunken in. My hair had become a tangled mess of curls, skin, dry and cracked. I looked as if I was a prisoner for years and perhaps I was. The magic was holding me hostage. It wanted me to reach out and touch it. Some unseen force punishing me for refusing to use it.

I’ve often wondered what it must be like to indulge in the various drugs of pleasure and then remove them from your system. I had studied individuals with such issues and wondered perhaps what it felt like. I can only assume that this was as bad if not worse a sensation and that only a strong willed individual could use magic and step away from it.

I have considered returning home. Forgetting all of my foolish whims and returning back to my life. It is obvious to me that the effects and dangers of magic are far beyond worth the risk and yet still, I understand and can not resist my impulses. Perhaps had the greatest explorers in history merely given up, we would not have the world we have today. I see myself as equal to one of them. Hubris, I am aware, should be my downfall. 

Still, I can not end my quest. Even now as my body fails me, sleep plagues me like a monster haunting a child in the dark, and the symbols and pulls of magic chase me down, I can not give up. I can no longer stomach food or drink. Instead I can feel my body feeding on itself as nourishment. I have covered all the mirrors and sent all the attendants away. None shall see me. I shall no longer exist to the world until I have done and learned all that I can.

Of this I vow.

Forever,

Eleanor Ducal

September 5th

Dear Diary,

I arrived at the mansion earlier today looking far worse than I must have felt. Yet still, Tarn Sistro did not comment on my poor state of appearance or how I had changed since our last meeting just under a month ago. In fact, the ever consummate gentleman, he immediately offered to take my bags and belongings, or rather, his servants to take my bags and belongings away up to my room. He must have known I would be arriving, even without a prior notice. I have come to wonder how and if he knew I would be arriving on this date and time.

This country of his, was far different from mine. While it seemed to me as if we were in the countryside and far from the major cities, the small village his castle overlooked was modest. All the townsfolk were so polite and revered his lordship in the utmost sincerity. It was clear that he had done much for this town overtime, how long that time had been I was still unsure.

The town was small and housed only five hundred citizens within. In the surrounding countryside there were more but mostly farmers and herders tending to themselves and only coming into town to sell wares. Everyone seemed so friendly even going as far as to offer me rides up to the castle, of which I politely declined. I do not need to become so ingrained into this town’s culture. I am here for a singular purpose.

Upon arriving at the castle, I was surprised to see it was smaller than what I was anticipating. Some part of me was imagining perhaps a towering monolith of darkness with rich spires that climbed high into the sky. Instead I was met with a simple brick and wood fortress, likely no larger than ten bedrooms inside of it. A few servants were out tending to the various needs. I noticed two, one tending to the three mares that sat in their stables, fine, tall and broad shouldered beasts. The other servant seemed to be patching a hole in the wall. Both gave a polite tip of their hats as I walked past. I wondered how many more there could be.

But back to Tarn Sistro, or Lord Sistro as the servants called him. He greeted me in his pajamas, a long red robe made of silk hung open around a simple pair of black garments. I was surprised to see him so informal past the hour of noon. When I had last seen him, he was wearing a very fine suit and now he seemed nearly as humbled as the common man.

He invited me in to the great hall, adorned with tapestries hanging from the walls depicting all sorts of mythical and magical creatures. Large broad windows in the rooms stretching beyond it cast in an abundance of natural light, as deep crimson curtains hung pulled back from them. He explained that it had been many years since anyone other than him had lived in the castle since his family had died. Rather than lavish in parties and guests from all over, he preferred to use his wealth and standing to support the town.

He led me to a smaller dining room, the more casual one, where he had set out a small spread of tea and pastries. He explained that I needed to eat as I was slowly killing myself. Even after explaining that I found I could no longer eat or sleep, he still pushed the issue further. To my surprise I found I couldn’t help myself, hunger overwhelming me I began to stuff my face. All manners and polite etiquette aside I devoured nearly a dozen pastries, muffins and small cakes within a moments notice.

Tarn Sistro explained that it was a consequence of my stray from magic. He further explained that upon entering the castle’s grounds that I suddenly became enveloped in the grip of magic once more. Every stone laid, every fabric stitch, every candle was enchanted with magic. The castle was as much tapped into the magical circuits as I had been. He cautioned against doing such things again as there are forces that would seek to prey upon my weakness, culling it into their favor.

Suddenly overcome with exhaustion, he suggested perhaps I retire, and rest. There would be plenty more time to explore the many rooms and discuss the intricacies of magic, but to do so in a weakened state would be irresponsible and dangerous. I found even though I wished to argue and disagree, I could not fault his logic, and after all, he was my host. There would always be more time. 

While escorting me to my room, he asked how long I intended to stay. I politely told him that I had no interest in leaving until I had learned all I could and felt satisfied. He smiled and told me what is his, is mine, but to please be patient and allow all things to build in their natural state. I have never been one for patience, but for his gracious hospitality I must oblige.

On the east wing of the castle, in one of the towers sat my room. The large single wooden door opened to a small sitting room where my luggage sat. He explained that beyond one of the doors would sit the bathroom, while the castle may seem old, I have found that the latest advancements in plumbing have made their way into it, and in the other adjoining room was a large bedroom complete with four post bed, desk, and dresser. He mentioned he had some gowns and sleepwear prepared for me, roughly estimating a variety of sizes just in case.

If desired, he would be able to provide a handmaiden to assist me in anything I needed or even just an attendant to help out. I politely declined. I was a self made woman and did not need someone waiting on my every whim. Much as I fantasized about the idea of truly enjoying my stay, I did not want to seem presumptuous. He explained that should I need anything, I merely needed to write so on the pad affixed to the wall. Anything I wrote would appear for the staff downstairs and would be brought up to me. That was just the tip of the magical iceberg as he so put it.

With that he bid me a polite leave allowing me to explore the room on my own. After a brief unpacking, I found myself with the overwhelming desire to use the large brass bathtub and freshen up. A long warm soak complete with a series of unmarked oils left me looking and feeling like a goddess. My skin shimmered, revitalized. Looking in the mirror, I still appeared weaker than I had before, but I looked naturally younger as if I had become a decade younger suddenly. Gone were the creases of worry adulthood had placed upon me. Perhaps it was my own imagination but I seemed to almost glow in the light.

The bedroom, to where I retire to now, was stunning. The large window sat covered by curtains, but peaking through the crack I could just see the sun beginning to set over the hills that surrounded the border of the town. I closed my door, locking it to be safe and settled in to write my thoughts. Soon I shall retire to the bed, made of the richest brown wood I have ever seen, carved by a master craftsman, and furnished with more pillows than one person could possibly ever need. I expect I will sleep better than I have ever slept in my life.

It all seems too much to me in some regards. I have never been one for the finer things and now here I was, surrounded by the very best. Perhaps the town would call me Lady Ducal by the time I left here, if I ever did leave. Why one would ever want to leaves me with some degree of worry. But perhaps, I can leave one day, if I ever find myself suddenly satisfied with my learning. For now I must retire to the good graces of rest.

Forever,

Eleanor Ducal