“Melissa Charmer?” Lizzy sat up straight. She took a deep breath, then smoothed her skirt and rose to her feet. An elderly syngnathi regarded her coolly from the doorway. “I'm Professor Hill. It's great to meet you.”

Lizzy hurried over, following her advisor into a small office packed with books. Professor Hill took a seat behind her desk and motioned to the other chair. “Sorry I had to make you wait.”

“It's fine!” Lizzy said quickly, smiling. Professor Hill's perpetually wet graying blonde hair was done back in a loose bun, accentuating the syngnathi's fish-like neck frills and horselike ears. “I needed a minute to, like, collect my thoughts, anyways.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Professor Hill's eyes were on the computer screen. “Though actually, it looks to me like you made me wait first. We're a third of the way through the semester, and you and I haven't had a meeting yet.”

“Right.” Lizzy's smile faltered. She smoothed the creases in her skirt. “Sorry, I've been...”

“Putting it off? You did with your advisor last year, too.”

Lizzy swallowed. “Just been busy with classes.”

“Your grades look good so far. Maybe some slippage in Math.”

“Oh, yeah! That's always been my worst subject.” Lizzy managed a giggle. “My... my dad always says I was the only larvelet who couldn't count past three.”

Professor Hill laughed politely. “Well, you'll want to work on that. I always tell my students, even if your GPA can survive a hit or two, you’ve got to treat every class like you’re on thin ice. It sets a rhythm.”

“Yeah! Totally. I definitely... I'm gonna take on some extra credit, I think, I've been talking to..” She trailed off.

“Theology grade's looking good. That's great. Oh, you're in Ensemble!” Her advisor flashed her a smile. “How's that going?”

“Great!” Lizzy felt the wind return to her wings. “I—I play piano. We're actually doing a concert tomorrow night!”

“Oh, good luck with that! That sounds fun.” Professor Hill gazed at the computer screen for a moment longer. Then she turned back to Lizzy, flicked a bit of water from her hair that was about to drip onto the keyboard, let her smile fade. “Melissa, I'm gonna be honest, normally this is where I'd talk about a student's future, but...”

Lizzy held her breath.

“... I actually feel pretty good about your degree plans. I think they're realistic, and it's great to have someone who knows what she wants and plans it out so thoroughly. Hope's Hill offers a great Musicology program. The real challenge is going to be timing the later courses, since some of these upper-levels are only taught once a term and can get very competitive, but...” She glanced at her computer screen. “... well, your grades are good, and it looks like your last advisor got that bug with your AP courses ironed out, so they’re transferring fine. I'm actually not worried about your academics.”

Lizzy let the breath out.

“I'm a bit more concerned about your extracurricular activities.”

That breath choked on the way out of her. Lizzy struggled to keep holding Professor Hill's gaze. “Mm?”

Professor Hill took a deep breath, and when her words came out, they were a weary sigh. “Melissa, we don't pry into our student's hearts and souls. Your personal, internal relationship with God isn't something we can control.” Hill's lips formed a thin line. “But from what I heard from your father and your pastor, you've had a... difficult time of things, haven't you? And it wasn’t all internal.”

Melissa smiled guiltily. “Yeah, I was... going through a bad patch in high school, I guess. In high school.”

“That happens. I get it. Everything changes for you in high school. It can be confusing.” Professor Hill chuckled. “And it sounds like the people in you life intervened before anything could get too out of hand.”

Daphne's parents showing up at the school. Daphne going home early.

The pastor's gentle smile as he set the Bible on the desk in front of Lizzy. Telling her to read it again. And again.

Lizzy's father cornering Ms. Wicker, shouting at her, beetred, enraged that he'd been the last to know. 'Failure to disclose'.

“Yeah. I was really lucky to have a safety net.” Lizzy shook her head ruefully. “Honestly, it's really embarrassing now. I think I was just... looking for something to fill my time, you know? People around me really helped me a lot. Really. And, to be clear, that was… that was two years ago.”

“I'm glad.” Professor Hill glanced back at her computer. “And you know, like I said, your personal, internal journey is none of our business. We trust you to walk your own path with God. But that's the problem, isn't it?” She placed a hand on the Bible on her desk. “It's not just your path. You didn't walk it alone.”

Lizzy's mouth was dry. “I know. I really...”

“You pulled others with you. And that's what really concerns me.”

Daphne getting sent away to the boarding school in her senior year. Watching Daphne crying at the bus stop. Not allowed to go near her.

The substitute teacher showing up the next week, taking up the eraser, and wiping Ms. Wicker's equations off the board.

“I know.”

“It's an all-girls' school. Honestly, I feel like a lot of parents think that our school's gonna straighten the kids out, but it's...” Professor Hill shook her head ruefully. “It tends to backfire. It's like sending an immunocompromised patient into a sickhouse, you know?”

Lizzy managed to giggle. “Yeah, I haven't really...”

“Or sending a leper into a children's hospital!” Professor Hill laughed. “Not that I think we're talking about lepers, here.”

Lizzy's giggle weakened. She finally could bear eye contact no longer and stared resolutely at the desk.

“I don't mean it as a bad thing, to be clear, Melissa. You know that He took care of them, too, with compassion and with strength. That’s how we approach things like this: Compassion and strength. What I'm saying is, normally, when parents send their kids here for that, I wish they'd wise up. It's just putting other souls at risk of temptation. But that's not your fault.” Professor Hill's head tipped down to capture Lizzy's gaze again. “And I think you have your head on your shoulders, don't you? You're using that safety net?”

“Yes, ma—yes, Professor Hill.” Lizzy nodded quickly. “My father calls every week, and I've been attending the campus service as often as I have time for, with all my classes.”

Professor Hill regarded her with a curious expression. “Are you living on campus?” Lizzy nodded. “Roommate?”

Lizzy felt like she was falling into deep water. “Yes, we—because we have to live on-campus for the first two years.”

“Right, right.”

“And all the singles were taken, so… I mean, my—my last roommate switched to off-campus, but my new roommate… honestly, she's been... a big help.”

“Oh, yeah? She's keeping you honest?”

“Well, she's... she's a really good role model.” Lizzy licked her lips. “She's really devout. Her parents homeschooled her, and she's always in her books. It's making me competitive, honestly.” She laughed, lifting her head again. “I don't think she can stand me, though.”

A smile played across Professor Hill’s lips. “Maybe that's for the best, all things considered. Well, that's really good to hear. And it’s not like you had any incidents last year. Keep attending service. Keep up these grades. Do that extra credit.” She rose to her feet, and so did Lizzy, maybe a hair too quickly. They shook hands. “It was really nice meeting you, Melissa.”

“You too!” Lizzy smiled broadly. She turned to leave, tasting bitterness on her tongue. “Thanks so much. I'll try to schedule the next meeting on time.”

“That's what I like to hear. And Melissa, don't forget.”

Lizzy turned.

Professor Hill smiled. Her tone was as light and unassuming as a scalpel. “A sinking ship pulls everything else down with it. It's not just you on the line.”

~ ~ ~ ~

Lizzy's head was buzzing, her tummy full of moths, when she made it to the dining hall. Mary, Denise and Summer were all sitting together, and Mary looked like she was struggling to make conversation. Nobody could envy the mothgirl—Denise had a bad habit of accidental needling, and Summer… Summer could be like a police interrogation lamp when she smelled gossip. It was a glowwormgirl thing.

Before Lizzy could look away, she caught Mary's eye. She watched Mary hesitate, then wave a hand.

Lizzy swallowed. Act normal. Normal, Lizzy. She took her card back and brought her tray over to their table.

It was a booth, of course. Denise and Summer were on one side—it sounded like they were talking politics—and Mary was sitting along on the other. Mary gave her a weak, expectant smile that made Lizzy want to die.

Lizzy turned and retrieved a nearby chair, sitting down at the head of the table.

Denise and Summer went quiet. Summer blinked at Lizzy, her glowing eyes flickering with clear desire to pry. Her gaze flicked between Lizzy and the conspicuously rejected Mary. Mary, seated across from Summer, shrank back into her seat.

Denise cleared her throat. “So, Mary, what do you think about it?”

Mary gave a start. She turned to the aranea. “About—about the election?”

“Yeah.” Those eight compound blue eyes glinted. “I mean, my pastor keeps saying this is the most important one of our lifetimes, but I just don't know if I can vote for someone who talks that way about living beings. I mean, the way everyone talks about it, it feels like I’m going...”

Lizzy had never seen political debate deployed as a reprieve from awkwardness. Today, it worked. Mary's focus shifted, and she and Denise entered a slightly halting conversation, with Summer occasionally cutting in to argue a point.

Lizzy didn't take part. She just quietly ate her meal, trying to control the feelings of shame roiling in her gut. She could feel everyone's eyes on her, could sense Mary's furtive, guilty glances, Summer's unspoken questions, Denise's unreadable stare.

She finished her meal and rose to her feet. “I should go,” she said, as steadily as she could. “I've got class in twenty.”

“I'll—can I walk with you?” Mary asked. I want to talk to you, her eyes said. Please let me talk to you.

“Nah, I need the exercise.” Lizzy kept her voice and expression cool. “But thanks. Take... take care.”

Mary bit her lip.

Lizzy wanted so desperately to grab her in her arms, to squish her adorable cheeks, to tell her that it was all okay and that she was sorry. She wanted to kiss Mary so, so badly.

She swallowed and turned away.

She could feel Denise's gaze burning a hole in her back.

~ ~ ~ ~

Mary went back to the dorms after lunch. She only had the one class on Fridays. Denise had walked her back and now was Mary's only company in the common room. Mary couldn't handle her dorm room right now.

Denise was reading a book—at least, with her two primary eyes. The focus of the other six was impossible to discern.

Mary, for her part, had been rereading the same line of her theology text for the past five minutes.

She felt untethered. Everything had gone from so wonderful to so awful in the blink of an eye, and it was all her fault. She’d thought she’d already crossed every line that mattered, and then she'd crossed Lizzy’s line, a line she hadn't even realized was there. She'd wanted so badly to make Lizzy happy, she'd... forgotten that Lizzy wasn't like her.

Lizzy had just been trying to help her.

Only that didn't make any sense! Her grip tightened on the book. Lizzy had said she liked doing those... things. And she hadn't said for Mary to stop, had she?

Mary felt like she was lost in an ocean. She'd felt that way before, so far from home, surrounded by different people with different ideas, but... but before there had been Lizzy. And before Lizzy, the Book had given her some comfort. Lately, it had started to feel less than friendly.

“Hey, Mary?”

Mary looked up. Her grip on the book in her lap tightened. “Yes, Denise?”

Denise's lips tightened, causing her spider-like fangs to poke out just a little from under her dark cupid's bow. “Are you doing alright? Lately, I mean.”

“Oh. I'm fine.” Mary smiled, then went back to her book. She'd lost her place.

“Are things okay with you and Lizzy? Things seemed tense at lunch.”

Mary hesitated. “I think she's just... getting tired of me. Like you said, I've been kind of clingy.” She turned the page back. She'd just have to start over. “She probably hit her limit.”

She couldn't see Denise's face, but the long silence made her really want to peek.

“That doesn't sound like Lizzy. She's the one who always... I mean, she's always tried to make sure you're included.”

“She's really nice.” The smile slipped across Mary's face and slid away just as fast. “I guess I latched onto the first person to feel bad for me.” Oh, no. That was too much to say out loud. Worse, she could feel her voice starting to shake. “It's fine. Just a little embarrassing.”

There was another pregnant pause.

“Hey, Mary, um...” Denise took a breath. “Are… are you and Lizzy, um...”

She went silent. A moment later, Mary understood why, as the voice of Sylvia chirped from behind her, “What was that about Lizzy?”

“Oh, I was just wondering how Lizzy's doing,” Denise said quickly, smiling up at the RA. “She's been looking pretty tired lately.” A pause. “And she was kind of rude to Mary earlier.”

Mary felt like she'd been stung. “She wasn't—she wasn't rude. She's just tired.”

Denise’s smile tightened. But she didn’t say anything.

Mary felt herself shrinking back as Sylvia and Denise started talking about something else. It was Mary’s fault that Denise was angry with Lizzy. Mary had asked to begin with, had put Lizzy on the spot. She’d known Lizzy didn’t want anything to do with her. Deep down, she’d always known. The things she wanted were… were wrong. So wrong. And she’d forgotten that Lizzy wasn’t like that. She’d wanted so badly for Lizzy to be like that.

“I-I didn't know you'd get all…”

All what? All clingy? All desperate? All obsessed? All perverted? Mary felt pathetic. She wished she could shrivel back into a cocoon.

“Hey, Sylvia?” she said suddenly, then flushed as she realized she’d interrupted what they were saying. “Sorry, um—”

“No, go on, Mary.” Sylvia smiled, playing with the little cross around her neck. “What is it?”

“Um… Ksenia’s roommate dropped out last week, right?” She had finally learned the culicin’s name.

“That’s right. We usually lose one or two people at the start of the term, it’s no big deal.”

“What’s no big deal?” a new voice chirped. Everyone turned to see Lizzy standing in the hallway, who gave a half-hearted smile at Denise. “No class today, turns out.” Her antennae twitched towards one another, not-quite-tapping. “Teacher’s sick.”

Denise rolled her eyes. “Bull. I have the same class before lunch.”

“Denise, swear jar.”

“‘Bull’ isn’t a swear, Sylvia! And besides, who still carries coins on them in 20—”

Mary took out a quarter and fluttered over to drop it into the jar. Denise shut her mouth. She could feel Lizzy’s eyes on her and had a feeling Lizzy hadn’t noticed her in the room before.

“Anyways…” Sylvia cleared her throat and gestured towards Mary. “Mary was just asking what happened to Dana.”

“Well, what I was—” Mary stared at her knees. “What I was really wondering was, there’s a vacancy there, now, right?”

There was a pause. “Well, yes, I guess.”

Mary cleared her throat. “So, I was…”

“That’s actually great.” Lizzy’s voice cut through Sylvia’s like hot metal. “I was thinking about asking for a room transfer.”

Silence took over the common room and smothered it. Mary still felt like she was in an ocean, but now she felt like she was one of those styrofoam cups they sent into the bathyal zone to teach kids what water pressure could do to you. “No, I mean—I was—”

“I’ve been waking Mary up a lot lately. Getting up early in the morning, ruining her sleep. But Ksenia’s a morning bird like me, so… could you maybe ask her about it?”

“... yeah, totally.” Sylvia sounded thoughtful. “But are you two—”

“Hey, Sylvia,” Denise said, “I just remembered, I think Nessa and Natalie were throwing throw pillows out in the corner room earlier. Is that allowed?”

“No, it is not allowed!” Mary heard Sylvia stand and spring into the air, buzzing down the hall. “I keep telling those two!”

Even as Sylvia was leaving, Mary was standing up and mumbling some jumbled mess of an excuse to retreat to her bedroom. She could feel tears threatening to spill out at any moment.

She’d wanted to be the one to do it. She’d wanted to at least have that. Now she was forcing Lizzy out of her own room, the room Lizzy had lived in for a whole year before she’d shown up.

Lizzy really did hate her.

~ ~ ~ ~

Lizzy felt Denise’s stare intensifying with every step Mary took. There was nowhere to run, so she just stood there and waited.

Mary opened the door to the dorm room and stepped inside.

The door closed.

“Lizzy, what’s your problem?” Denise snapped. “Since when do you act this way? Is this why Theresa went off-campus?”

“Theresa went off-campus because her aunt bought her a f… a freaking house, Denise.”

That threw Denise for a moment, just long enough for Lizzy to set her bag down and take a seat. Then the aranea rallied. “Look, I get that Mary can be a bit—but she’s a freshman. And she’s homeschooled.” Behind her, the door to the showers opened, and Alexis came out in a towel, wasp wings still buzzing away water droplets. She paused, observing the conversation. “This is already gonna be really hard on her, and maybe I’m wrong, but it doesn’t look like you’ve talked it out with her at all.”

Lizzy’s gaze flicked between Denise and her vespinne roommate. The last thing she wanted was for this to turn into gossip. “Look, I just—you heard her. She’s the one who wants to move out.” Her voice felt weak and useless. She sounded smaller than Mary on a quiet day.

“So, what, you’re beating her to it?” Alexis raised an eyebrow. “What is up with you two lately?”

Lizzy felt her cheeks burning. This was how it always started. All it would take was one ‘bad breakup’ joke to get everyone’s minds buzzing. “I—it’s just roommate drama. I don’t wanna get into it, okay? I’m just. Not the easiest person to live with. Apparently.”

Denise and Alexis stared at her. She couldn’t meet their gazes.

“Well, you should still talk to her about it.” Alexis let out a sigh. “Seriously, Lizzy, she’s a freshman.”

“That’s what I said!”

Alexis ignored Denise. “She’s brand-new, she’s a total introvert, and she probably doesn’t know how to read you when you get like this.” She had a seat, her red hair dripping-wet and quickly soaking the armchair.

“I don’t think talking’s gonna help.” Lizzy bit her lip. “Last time I tried, it just made things… way worse.”

She heard the front doors open. Sylvia was coming back. The other two girls seemed to notice, too.

“Hey! How come everyone went quiet?” Sylvia giggled, leaning casually against the wall. “What’re we talking about? Hey, was Mary okay? Should I maybe go talk to her?”

“No,” Lizzy and Alexis said at once.

“Fuck no,” Denise said at the same time.

“Swear jar!”

Rolling her eyes, Alexis went over and dropped in a nickel.

~ ~ ~ ~

Lizzy spent the rest of the day finding excuses not to return to the dorm room. She was waiting for Mary to leave—Mary had been coming out here to study a few nights lately, and as bad as it would look for Lizzy to leave as soon as Mary showed up, she couldn’t handle facing Mary right now. Her head felt like a mess, a tumbled jumble of unspoken accusations and forbidden thoughts. She hadn’t slept well last night, for some unimaginable reason, and it was catching up with her.

But Mary didn’t come out. The group went to get dinner, then came back to eat it in the common room. Alexis knocked on Mary’s door and made a transfer of chicken tenders and curly fries. Denise left for her evening class.

At ten o’clock, Nessa and Alexis came out for their nightly study session. They looked quizzically at Lizzy. Lizzy often stayed out to socialize, but never past nine. Usually this would be when Mary emerged and Lizzy disappeared.

Or when Lizzy and Mary would both ‘go to bed’.

Instead, Lizzy smiled broadly and took out her laptop. “I was thinking about doing some last-minute cramming before the concert. You know, for… my other classes. I’ve been slipping in math lately.”

Nessa just opened her own laptop and got straight to work. Thank God for Nessa, she wasn’t a gossip. Alexis, though, looked at her long and hard. “Any word from…?”

A door opened. Mary stepped out. Alexis went silent as the mothgirl walked over and primly sat down in her preferred corner seat, withdrawing her laptop and starting to type. Her expression was like cold steel. For once, Lizzy couldn’t read it.

Every now and then, Lizzy stole a glance at the mothgirl. Mary sat in perfect posture. The shirt and pleated skirt of her school uniform was wrinkled, as if she’d slept in it. The uniform was technically mandatory, but Mary and Lizzy were the only ones in the dorm who’d really been consistently wearing it outside of classes—Mary because she was a stickler for the rules, Lizzy because she felt like she needed to compensate with propriety.

Lizzy was pretty sure the uniform was becoming a bit of a fixation for her, though, because she couldn’t stop thinking about how Mary might look if that skirt slid up just a few inches.

Her cheeks burned. She was awful. She was such a perv. Mary wasn’t like that, Mary was confused, and Lizzy needed to not think about Mary’s lips on hers, Mary’s cute little muffled moans, Mary’s beautifully-patterned wings shimmering in front of her, flutter, flutter, kiss, grind—

Stop. Stop stop stop. Lizzy buried her gaze in the laptop, stared hard at equations she hadn’t been properly examining the entire time she’d been out here.

But Mary was right there. Lizzy wanted to grab Mary by the hand and beg for forgiveness, Lizzy wanted to drag the mothgirl into their bedroom and ravish that girl, fill the air with buzzing until the fucking earthquake sirens went off. She wanted to hear those sweet moans, to see that adorable breaking point in Mary’s eyes.

Stop.

Lizzy tried to stay as long as she could. She didn’t want to leave the second Mary arrived and make things even worse. But her mind was swimming with the wrong thoughts.

There was only so much she could withstand. After fifteen minutes, she beat a hasty retreat to the dorm room.

~ ~ ~ ~

“Oh, mornin’, Mary!” Mary jumped. She’d been so caught up in her thoughts, she hadn’t registered who was at the library’s front desk. Lucy gave a sleepy smile. “You’re up early.”

“Yeah. Hi, Lucy.” Mary smiled back at her lampyra dormmate. “Yeah, I forgot you worked here. I-I mean, I haven’t been sleeping so great.” Lizzy had still been asleep when she’d left. Lizzy normally never slept in—not even on weekends—but Mary hadn’t had the courage to wake her.

“Well, I don’t usually work mornings. ‘Specially not Saturday mornings.” Lucy sighed, reaching behind herself to crack her back. Her whole body flickered as Mary heard several satisfying cracks, making Mary think of a glowstick. “But I ain’t been getting enough hours. Y’know how it is.”

“Yeah, my work study kicked my butt last year.”

“Ooh, what’d you do?”

“Dining hall.”

The green glow in Lucy’s eyes blanched yellow. “Almost had to take that this year, but I held out for the library. I love workin’ evenings here. People who show up in early mornings an’ late evenings both always got something stressin’ them out, but the evening crew are nice and sleepy, just how I like ‘em.” She tilted her head. “The morning crew, they’ve got papers to print.”

“Right.” Mary smiled. “So, um, have you heard about…”

“Yeah! Elizabeth’s lookin’ to switch rooms.” Lucy grimaced. “Honest to gosh, I was lookin’ forward to having some peace an’ quiet. But I guess someone’s gotta deal with her, y’know?”

Mary blinked.

“Oh, I—I guess that sounds bad, right?” Lucy’s cheeks glowed, and she held up both hands defensively. “I meant that to sound more, uh, playful. I just mean, she’s awfully much, y’know? I figure you had your hands full.” Her voice lowered. “Not to mention how Sylvia told me she’s got a history. I like her just fine, but roomin’ with her sounds intense.”

“A history?”

“Uh-huh, yeah, she—” Lucy’s eyes widened. “Oh, uh, I ain’t tryin’ to gossip! Sorry, that runs in the family. They say lampyrae dunno how to talk to folks if it ain’t sharin’ information. All flash, nothin’ to say. Actually, my folks call me the quiet one.”

“I-It’s fine!” Mary said quickly. “I’m sure that that’s just a generalization about lampyrae, and I don’t think you’re a gossip.”

“Oh, good.” Lucy’s shoulders slumped, and her smile returned. “All I mean t’say is, Elizabeth had some trouble just before she graduated high school. At least, as Sylvia tells it. An’ I don’t… I mean, I’m sure it’s just rumors, or somethin’. An’ I like her! Just, y’know… she’s awfully much.” She let out a sigh. “Feel bad havin’ to miss tonight, though. I guess it’d be a crowd, though.”

Mary’s head tilted to the side. “What do you mean?”

Lucy frowned. “Well, when I told her I couldn’t make the concert, she said she’d have plenty of people goin’ anyways. Like that big family of hers.” She shook her head ruefully. “Five sisters! I can barely put up with the twin.”

Mary felt her wings fluttering. Her mind was racing. “I should probably, um…” She didn’t know how to exit a conversation gracefully, so she just pointed at the corner she’d been planning to use to finish up her assignment.

“Oh, right! Sorry, I’m keepin’ you. Just nice to see a friend at seven in the mornin’.”

Mary returned Lucy’s easy smile and made her escape. The word friend had her reeling, but she couldn’t shake a thought that had struck her as Lucy had rambled, a thought that had finally pierced through thick curtains of anxiety and shame.

Lizzy was a good liar.

She usually lied to keep other people safe.