It feels achingly familiar, and long ago. I'm running through the fields. My brothers next to me. We made up a game, the last one to get up the tree at the other end does all the tasks mother needs help with. I'm never last. I’m up the tree laughing at our oldest brother. He is faster but I tripped him. 

Home. Dad stands with his back turned to us. The room is darker than normal. He says mom is sick. He doesn't know when she will be better. I'm to help more with the chores. Why me? He doesn't say. 

Mom is dead. I'm inside. I tried going outside. There is a spot in the woods I used to go to when I wanted to be alone. I need to be alone. I miss mom, but no one talks about it. Dad caught me trying to leave. His breath stinks and his words are slurred. He hits me and throws me into the kitchen. My brothers laugh. 

I Managed to escape. It's in the middle of the night, and my brothers and dad are asleep. I search for the spot in the woods but get lost in the darkness. I start to panic until suddenly blue lights appear. I'm scared but I decided to follow. Soon I find my spot but I'm not alone. There's a girl from the village. I remember her from my time playing outside with my brothers, She and her siblings were sometimes there as well. She is pretty. 

I go into the woods a lot. Always the same time, always the same place. My spot, our spot now. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore. I don't worry about getting lost, the blue lights appear like they always do. We talk, and talk, and talk. We do more than talk this time.  

I'm running through the woods. Away from my spot and away from the blue lights. I don't know how they found us, but they did. My brothers followed me, they must have. They found us and told us we are disgusting. They hit me, pulled her hair, then they left to get dad and the other men. I grabbed her hand and ran. I hope they don't follow us, I hope they don't find us. 

I don't know what happened to her. I was sent away. It must be the same as what they did to me, or worse. My dad dragged me to the nuns. I wasn't his daughter anymore, he said. Nothing but an abomination. No worth even if the nuns could save me. The nuns also beat me, but only when I do something wrong according to them. They always find something I'm doing wrong. I don't know if right even exists according to them. 

There is another girl. There are loads of girls, but she is different. I can feel something about her. Something tells me she is different like I am different. She feels it too. We lock eyes during lessons, during chores, even during punishments. I feel myself being pulled towards her. 

The blue lights are back. I can see them through the windows. They lead into the woods, on the other side of the wall next to the courtyard. During the day, when I work in the laundry room I can see over the wall, but the lights aren't there. At night I can see the faint glow, but only just. I want to sneak out and see them from the laundry room. But if the nuns catch me I.... I can't be caught. 

I dared go. I snuck out of bed after keeping myself awake for a long time, after all the sounds died down. I stayed in the shadows and walked on my tiptoes. I opened the door and almost screamed. She was there. She saw the lights too. We whispered for a few minutes, we didn't dare make too much noise. Her name is Deidre. 

There is a nice groundskeeper staying here. He is gentle and kind. He gave me some of his food after the nuns gave me nothing a few days in a row. I had spoken without permission. Maybe he could help me, could help Deidre. I think the lights want to guide me. I will ask the groundskeeper if he could let me out. I will tell him I lost something in the woods, that I will be back before anyone finds out. I can explore and find out if it's safe, and then maybe one night soon, me and Deidre can escape. 

She kissed me! She kissed me when I told her that we can escape. I'm sure of it now. The groundskeeper helped me get into the woods. I was only gone for a short while, but I knew me and Deidre could escape. The lights showed themselves as soon as the sun hid behind the foliage. They led me deeper into the woods until I reached a small clearing. The lights led deeper but a voice started to whisper in my ear. She told me she would help. She told me there was a future for me and Deidre. She said me and Deidre are different. What I felt was true. It was the nuns that where wrong, my dad and my brothers that where wrong, not me. When I got back, I met Deidre in the Laundry room at night and told her everything. She leaned forward and kissed me! I want to get out of here, to escape so we can be free to do that forever. 

It took a long time before I felt safe to leave. It had to be safe. If I was caught again, if WE were caught again, I don't know what I would do. I had to be sure our path was safe. That I was confident the lights would guide us. That the groundskeeper could be trusted. While I was figuring everything out me and Deidre met at night as many times as we could. I would tell her all about the plan, she would paint me pictures of everything after. We would hug, we would do a little more than hug. But we had to control ourselves. I told her we could not be caught before trying to escape. It would change everything and I wouldn't know if it was safe to escape afterwards. 

The groundskeeper is going to help us. He told me he had a daughter our age. He couldn't stand to think of her in our place. I like him. It is night again. Me and Deidre are snuck out and met him in his room. He is making sure the way is safe. He will lead us to the gate and let us out, the rest is up to us. I am thinking of everything that can still go wrong. Deirdre is so happy. She is giggling and twirling. I tell her to calm down, we aren't out yet. I try to stop her moving so much, she embraces me and kisses me. I close my eyes and get lost in it. When I open them, I see the groundskeeper in de doorway. 

He looks shocked. He turns and runs. We only have a few moments. I know what will happen now. I grab Deidre's hand and run. The main gate will be closed. Or the groundskeeper would run to it first to keep us from escaping. I run to the courtyard. To the wall behind which the lights wait for us. Maybe we can climb. I pull Deidre behind me. I tell her we need to get over the wall. She has tears in her eyes. At the wall I try to get her up. She is panicking, her fingers are shaking. She can't get a grip. I tell her to get me up, I will pull her over when I'm on top of the wall. I can feel her trying to lift me up but suddenly her hands are gone. I turn around. One of the nuns has grabbed Deidre and is pulling her back. I scream. I see the groundskeeper at the end of the courtyard. He is pointing at us. More nuns come to get me and Deidre. I try to get Deirdre back. Get the nun to let go, but another nun is already here and is pulling Deirdre away from me. I start to tear up. I keep screaming. This can't be happening to me. To Deidre. So close just to be betrayed. Just like my brothers betrayed me. Just like my dad betrayed me. Just like her father betrayed her. And her, and her, and her. I can't see anything but red. I hear myself screaming over and over again. Suddenly Deidre's voice is in my ear. She says my name. I hear other sounds. Other screams. My eyes dry up and I see flames. The laundry room has turned into an inferno. I hope none of the other girls used that place as a nightly escape. I don't care about the nuns. Deidre yells at me to go. Everybody is distracted as we escape. We follow the blue lights. I ask her what happened. She looks scared and asks me to never do that again. I promise I won't. I promise all I want to do now is make a paradise for us.  

The lights are not guiding me anymore. My blue glow is all around this city. I have made the paradise I promised her. However, she is not part of my paradise. I have been contemplating my history all night long. This has not occurred ever since the wound was fresh. I need some distraction from my turmoil.