Chapter 6 

Eleanor moved slowly, gliding from corner to corner. Funny she should try to hide. One such as her would be immediately noticeable to anyone paying attention. She knew Deidre however, and she knew Deidre did not always do such things. It tended not to matter. Eleanor had been there to be watchful for them. Let Deidre delight in the now while she would look towards the future Eleanor thought. She went into the cafeteria and found a seat near the hallway. 

Waiting there for long moments she observed the students coming in and out of the cafeteria wrapped up in talks of study and hobbies and relationships. So much talk of relationships. Who was dating who, who was doing who, who not to do. It made Eleanor slightly nauseous. The complication around it all she never understood. It was simple for her. She had loved Deidre and Deidre had loved her, together they would spread that love. It fell apart when the complications entered their domain.  

Her eyes never lost sight of that hallway. The pull was immense, but she would stay seated and wait until.... Her love came around the corner. Ever graceful. Ever gorgeous. Untouched by time yet carrying its weight. That smile that lit up a room, in a more literal way than most would believe. It was there. Eleanor saw it. But it was directed not towards her but back into that hallway from where a wonderful woman emerged. One of Deidre's Eleanor assumed. Tall and handsome, with a stride in her step that showed confidence. It was Deidre's type trough and trough. Eleanor knew since she had seen many such girls come around when they were together. Eleanor saw Deidre reach an arm out towards the woman. The woman accepted and Deidre placed her hand on her lower back, gently pushing her forward towards the cafeteria. Not long now and Deidre would see her, Eleanor thought. Deidre halted however, another arm was reached out towards the hallway. A young man emerged from around the corner. Shaggy blond hair and clean shaven, he looked like a nice kid. Shorter than Deidre, he seemed shy to accept the arm but accept he did, and Deidre led her two companions slowly towards the cafeteria. Eleanor felt her stomach drop. The words she had thrown at Deidre's face were back in her memory. When Deidre admitted to her, she wanted to do things differently. How she wanted to expand their circle of love. Eleanor could not accept it back then. They had hurt her in the past, why should she grant them access?! She had argued the point to Deidre into exhaustion, even throwing in some insults. Deidre never budged. It was who she was, she had said. Why did Deidre have to complicate everything so much? Why did she ruin what they had? Eleanor had come here to take it back. To apologise and see where they could go from there..... But she couldn’t. The same hatred, the same discomfort. It all came back to her and as much as Eleanor craved Deidre.... she couldn't. Eleanor stood up and made her way towards the exit not looking back. She would not look back. But she knew her resolve wouldn't last. At the last minute she turned around again and saw that smile turn from delight to hope at seeing Eleanor's face and then slowly the smile faded. The unaware students looked around and wondered why the lights had suddenly dimmed while Eleanor left.  

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‘So?? who was your movie awakening?’ Anne asked. 

‘Same movie. Just everybody, not only Kiera’ Aisling responded nonchalantly. ‘I always wished they would all get together in a happy throuple.’ 

‘You liked Joe?’ Anne said incredulously. 

‘I mean yeah, the actor was an early teenage crush for me. Handsome eyes and kind of lanky. It's still a bit of a type.’ 

‘I just can't believe anyone saw bend it like Becham and had eyes for anyone but the girls!’ 

Erin and Shane listened to Anne and Aisling talk as they walked home to Shane’s place. Anne and Aisling had been going at it for a while now, and the longer the conversation went on the less Erin felt like saying anything. Not like she couldn't say anything. She’d seen the movie a few times. It wasn’t that great, but it was fun and Aisling and Anne where right to point out that all the actors in it are super attractive. Conventionally speaking. But them talking about how much it awakened their sexuality.... How hot the women are.... Apparently bend it like Becham was a huge point of awakening for plenty of young queer girls, according to Anne and Aisling at least, and it made Erin wonder about her many viewings of the film. She had been wondering about so many things recently. She couldn't forget the kiss she shared with Anne. She had avoided her for a short time but today they had spent it together again and the gravitational pull she felt towards Anne was still very much present. They were laughing like old friends within five minutes of seeing each other. Erin could not stop looking at Anne's lips either, nor could she stop her eyes from looking at other parts. Last night Erin couldn't sleep and had tried masturbating to her standard fantasies. All muscly guys sweeping her of her feet and into the bed. Usually, she would feel safe and warm, how Shanye used to make her feel, and that would be enough to get in the mood. But it just. Wasn't. Working! For a little bit she pictured Shayne, it helped a bit. But the image of Shanye changed from his big and though body he had when graduating to his softer look he had now. It made Anne feel strange on multiple levels. Some good, some bad. Overall, it didn't help the confusion, so she tried to change the mental picture again. But as hard as she tried, she could not return to any image of sexy men, and she was starting to get frustrated. Then a thought popped into her head without consent. Anne’s lips. She tried to resist the thought, but her body already responded. Her nipples stiffened and she could not keep her hands from running over them and pinching. Her confusion rose, but with it her desire did too. She thought of more than Anne's lips while she moved her hands downwards. She saw Anne’s whole body and slowly tried to picture taking her clothes of while she reached her vagina. Her breath was getting shorter and shallower as she imagined Anne in just her underwear. She was on Erin’s bed in the fantasy. Her fingers moved faster through her wet slit. Anne's areola was almost peeking out of the bra. Her clit was so sensitive as she touched it for the first time. Anne was naked and Erin reached for her. Out of nowhere Erin came. It was so sudden and powerful she moaned out loud. She had never done that while masturbating. The orgasm moved from her toes to her head and back again, her nipples felt like they would explode. Erin pinched them hard whilst she rode the waves. It was incredible. She had never felt like that before. Slowly the convulsions stopped and she caught her breath. She started to feel conflicted but before she could question herself sleep filled with strange dreams took her. 

In the morning, she tried to ignore last night, and for the most part she managed. Being around Anne was hard. Erin couldn't resist checking her out sometimes. Mostly however, she had fun. The shopping trip to give Shane's room a make-over was going well. The four of them had met up at a café near the university and just chatted for a while. Erin discovered that Aisling was a very gentle person behind her cocky exterior, and she and Erin had a lot of interests in common. Shane was more animated than he had been previously. Erin wondered if he was finally coming out of his shell again. Maybe it was being around Shane that took Erin's mind of Anne. Whenever he laughed or smiled in that light way he had made his somewhere in the time between now and high school a bundle of emotions appeared in Erin. Butterflies battled ravens. She could see the old Shane in the new one. The new one was so different however that it almost felt like talking to a sibling of his. Erin felt the friendship they had mix with the excitement of meeting a new friend. In the back loomed pain and fear. Maybe it wasn't what it looked like and maybe the friend she once had was gone forever.  

Furniture shopping was mainly an excuse to tease Shane as much as they possibly could without him feeling too down on himself. Although they did pick out a small desk, lots of plants and a big couch. Erin was also pushing Shane to buy paint, some posters or a picture frame. Something to decorate the walls of his place. Shane looked at the floor and Erin was about to drop it when Shane looked deep into Erin's eyes. ‘I really appreciate this. I just have to pace myself a bit.’ Erin saw Shane's eyes dampening, before he diverted his gaze again. ‘Besides, I need to own nice pictures to hang up first.’ Maybe they had been teasing Shane a bit too much, Erin thought. She didn't suggest any more purchases and enjoyed the rest of the day. 

strolling towards Shayne’s apartment they looked like walking shrubbery. Everyone was holding at least one plant, and they indulged in the ridiculousness of it. The mood had been so wonderful that Erin at first didn't mind the queer movie discussion that the conversation had been gently steered too. She assumed it would quickly be steered somewhere else. Five minutes turned into fifteen however, and Anne and Aisling showed no signs of being done. Neither one noticed that it had started to become a conversation between the two of them. Erin only realised just now that Shane hadn't said a word in a while either. He was completely lost in thought, Erin wished she could be. Although, if she were lost in thought her mind would have probably gone to the same exact place she was in now. Her only refuge was that if Shayne was right, his apartment was around the corner.  

‘I lóóóóved But I'm a cheerleader,’ Anne continued. ‘Possibly because I was one myself’ she giggled. Erin's head was truly in the gutter now. Why did Anne have to sound so damn cute saying that. 

‘It never did that much for me,’ Aisling responded. ‘I just couldn't relate to much. I mean conversion therapy isn't really a thing here.’  

‘Oh, I would look into that a bit more if I where you. don't you know what those nuns did to those young girls.’ Anne's expression turned more serious. 

‘I mean yeah everybody knows about that but that wasn't about-’ 

‘hmmm’ Was Anne's only response. 

‘But it was much bigger than just-’ 

‘hmmm’ 

‘No way! It was much more about punishing deviant behaviour that didn't fit Christian-’ 

‘HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!’ 

Aisling was suddenly quiet. Erin could see her mind racing to process all this new information. The only thing Erin was thinking was how happy it made her that the whole nun thing didn't trigger a new set of fantasies. Wait-. Wasn't that just as much an admission that she was increasingly having lesbian desires. Oh Fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. 

‘Let me put it this way,' Anne started ‘As with everything Americans are just a lot less subtle and a lot more stupid in their approach. But we, and honestly the whole of Europe, has known how to keep gays, lesbians and bi's in the closet for centuries. The amount of people who have had that comphet shit forced on them...’ Anne let the words sit for a moment, ‘I mean that was the best-case scenario for the church, but they would settle for closeting by persuasion or force, consequences be damned. Hell, it's probably only because we didn't really have a good understanding and language for gender deviance. Otherwise, it would be easy to find hundreds of pseudonyms for repressing trans people as well.’ 

At some point they had stopped walking. Erin noticed that Shanye was listening in on the conversation as well. A question popped into her brain. ‘What's comphet?’ She had never heard of that word before. Anne's opened her mouth to speak, but Shanye spoke first. ‘It's women feeling compelled to have a heterosexual relationship because that's what our society pressures them into believing they want.’ Erin couldn't believe Shane knew that. After all the years knowing him, he seemed like such a straight guy, and if she was taking the years they hadn't been friends into consideration, not very sensitive to problems outside his own. But to Erin's surprise both Anne and Aisling did not seem shocked at all. They even nodded along at almost the same time said, ‘Right!’ they looked at each other and knowingly smiled. Erin was even more confused now. What did they know that she didn't? She decided the best way to find out was to ask. 

‘How did you know that?’ 

‘I uhh,’ Shane blushed and looked down. Why was everybody behaving so strangely?! And why did it leave Erin feeling like the creep who was out of the loop, and most of all the one who's body couldn't behave normally. Shane looked, so, damn, cute. Could everybody please stop confusing her, Erin thought. ‘I just... I’ve read a lot of books, and it came up in one, so I researched it a little bit.’ Shane said. There was a silence. Erin stewed in her own emotions. Aisling and Anne were silent too, Erin didn't know why. ‘Anyways, we’re here.’ 

They looked up at the big, old building. It was built with brown bricks and had tall but narrow windows. It didn't look very insulated, and the cold feeling was worsened by the black fence surrounding the steps to the main door. ‘I'm on the fourth floor.’ 

‘Alright let's go,’ Aisling said. Shane made no move and fiddled a little with his keys. ‘I can do it myself, you guys already helped enough.’ 

‘Please,’ Anne said teasingly, ‘Nothing in there is gonna scare us, let's go.’ 

‘I don't want to impose. It's a lot of steps and you guys have done enough.’ Shane's eyes were darting everywhere. Erin kept quiet and studied him. ‘So we are supposed to let you carry all this up those steps by yourself? C'mon Shane it will only take a little bit of effort if we do it together.’ Aisling said. ‘The furniture store is going to deliver the rest soon enough. Are you carrying the couch up by yourself?’ Shane's discomfort grew. Erin started to realise just how ashamed Shane was of his place. She thought back to when they were friends. He had been so scared to let her into his room then as well.  

‘I can ask them to carry it up for me, maybe they will even help with the plants.’ he tried to look upbeat and failed. Anne started to voice a counterargument. ‘But why not-’ 

‘Alright Shane, promise you get those guys to carry the couch up.’ Erin said. She and Shane had a short moment of eye contact, and in it they conveyed years of understanding. ‘I promise’ he said. Aisling looked befuddled between the two of them. Erin just casually motioned for them to leave Shane alone. ‘See you soon’ she said to Shane with a sincere smile that she hoped conveyed her worry for him, as well as her genuine joy. Aisling stepped up to her angrily, blocking Shane from view. ‘You can't be serious.’ She whispered aggressively. Erin stayed calm, ‘it's just a sensitive thing for him, it always has been. We have been pushing him so much today, I don't want to go to far.’ 

‘Yeah yeah, sensitive soul. He's going to break his back, being so stubborn!’ Aisling said and Erin had to admit that it was a bit stupid not even helping to get the plants up to Shane's floor. ‘And what if those delivery guys don't help? You know they sometimes just leave the stuff at the front door, right?’ Erin hadn't really thought about it. It would be a shame of the new couch. She also knew in her heart that pushing Shane at this point in rekindling their friendship would lose him forever. ‘...Alright, you stay. Just.... be gentle.’ Aisling calmed and gave a nod. Anne did the rest for them. She enthusiastically grabbed Erin by the arm and loudly announced, ‘Oh you were going to take me to try-outs anyways! C'mon we can't be late!’ She started tugging on Erin's arm. ‘Bye Shane, I had a great time getting to know you a little better!’ She waved and Shane smiled back. Erin was being moved away and just said, ‘take care.’ 

‘I will’ came the response. The last thing Erin overheard was Shane trying to protest to Aisling one last time, and her responding with a simple ‘don't be silly’ before her and Anne turned the corner and were alone. In hindsight, maybe she should have suggested Anne stay with Shane. They walked without saying anything for a while. Erin became aware of Anne's hands still holding on to her arm. She let it go for now. They walked into a small park in the middle of the city. The sounds of cars becoming background to the birds chirping their last songs before winter fully set in. There was a small drizzle, but Erin didn't mind it. It made the smell of grass come up. It mixed with another, sweeter smell. 

‘you've been avoiding me.’ Anne stated matter-of-factly. Erin was so drained from last night and today that the surprise she felt at Anne's bluntness was muted enough for her not to react. She just stared ahead while they slowly walked. ‘Why?’ Erin kept walking. She felt the anxiety building. 

‘You kissed me.’ 

‘I wanted to kiss you.' 

‘Why?’ 

‘Because you are incredibly hot and are a joy to be around’ Anne stopped walking. Erin didn't notice at first, but Anne was still holding on to her. She was jolted back. Trying to balance herself she turned to face Anne. They were so close now. It was Anne's smell that mixed with the grass, but Erin knew that already.  

‘Why have you been avoiding me?’ This time Anne said it more forcefully. There was no escape from her eyes, her voice. ‘Because.... I don't know how to feel about it’ it was as honest as Erin could summarise her mind. All the churning basically came down to that. 

‘Then... how did it feel?’ 

‘It confused me. I have never kissed a woman before, and I don't know if I actually-’ Anne very gently lifted a finger to Erin's lips. Erin's breath caught. ‘That's not how it felt. That's how it made you feel,’ Anne was holding Erin’s eyes hostage. ‘I'm asking how it felt.’ 

Anne moved her face closer. Her finger moved away and Erin knew how easy it was to close the space between the two of them. On instinct she tried but was pushed back by Anne's hands on her hips, holding her in place. Erin started to heat up from embarrassment. ‘How did it feel?’ Anne wasn't going to allow Erin to escape the question. 

‘It felt soft,’ Erin started. She was scared. ‘gentle’ She started to picture it again. That chilly night, alone with Anne. ‘Surprising.’ Erin tried to read anything in Anne's reaction. She stayed quiet for a few beats. ‘Continue’ was all Anne said, smirking. ‘Wet... In a good way. Just naturally so, not sloppy. It made me feel so warm. My belly tingled all over.’ Anne was grinning now. That stupid, cute grin of hers that made Erin feel drawn to her. Right now, she wanted to wipe it from Anne's face in one way only. ‘It felt like more... It made me want more.' 

‘Why avoid it then?’ Anne's warm hands left Erin's body. ‘Why not go for it...’ 

Erin was free to take it, she felt the pull forward. She wanted too, but now she was stuck by another force. ‘I don't know how... it's new to... I have never...' Anne just stood in front of Erin and let her sputter through her words. She never stopped smiling. ‘You are a strange woman,’ she said, ‘so confident and sexy, but then one innocent little kiss and you lose all sense of self.’ a short beat. ‘I'll help you this time.’ Anne moved forward and Erin closed her eyes. Soft, wet, warm, and much, much more. It wasn't like the first kiss. Short, sweet and confusing. Erin sort of knew what to expect. This kiss lasted much longer than the first, Anne's lips lingering on Erin's until Erin kissed back. And back. And back. The whole world disappeared as her body took over her mind. She lost herself. A sense of rightness washed over Erin as she responded to Anne's movement. Moving her lips to match with Anne's again and again and again. Erin's head was swimming, her belly was boiling, and her whole being was turned on. Anne's lips moved back and Erin almost stumbled forwards. Shame washed over her. Taking a step back, Erin folded her hands in front of her chest. 

‘How was that?’ Anne asked. Erin did not look at her and let the question hang for a while. 

‘I don't know how to act when I'm with you!’ It was the truth. Erin had been off-balance ever since the first kiss. The way she voiced it though, it sounded accusing. Erin winced. 

‘Then... how do you want to act?’ Anne asked in a soft voice. The sound was so close. Erin looked up and saw Anne's concerned face. She expected anger or annoyance after her outburst, not this. 

‘What?’ 

‘You don't know how to act when you are with me. So how do you want to act?’ it off-balanced Erin. She expected a fight and all that came were gentle, prodding questions? Why could nothing she said get to Anne? 

‘It’s not about that. It’s about never having been in this-’ 

‘I know what it's about Erin.’ Anne cut Erin off. ‘I went through it too.' No escape. ‘It's unsettling and disorienting and you want to run from it... But you are still here...’ Anne took a step closer and very slowly grabbed Erin's hands and moved her arms away from her chest. ‘Let me help you, Erin. You are not a different person because you discovered something new about yourself. All that you are to deal with this is already in there.’ Anne gently tapped Erin's midriff. ‘Now please tell me, how do you want to act?’ 

It was some primal force in Erin that said fuck it too all her survival instinct screaming to flee. She knew what she wanted and let go of those damned feelings telling her not to. She grabbed Anne by the hips and moved her close with force and kissed her so hard their teeth clinked against each other. It wasn't how she had hoped it would go. However, the relief of finally doing it washed over her. She saw Anne look at her amused and she started to laugh. Anne laughed along with her. It only stopped when Anne buried her face in Erin's shoulder. ‘You know before that kiss, you grabbing my hips like that was pretty hot.’ Erin flashed back to a moment from last night when she pictured being on top of Anne and her face flushed. ‘Why don't we figure out more of how you want to act somewhere private?’ 

It took Erin some time to realise what was being asked of her. Her Heart was beating so loudly that Anne had to be able to hear it too. 

‘You are not at all how expected you to be when we first met’ Erin said. 

‘You are exactly who I expected you would be’ Anne responded.