Verdant Blue: Chapter 2

'don't ever touch me again!'

Shane heard the words again. That night when he ended the best friendship he had ever had he yelled that at her. At Erin. Someone he thought he would never meet again after leaving high school. But there she was, sitting in the same lecture as him and she was looking right at him. Shane was back in his own memories. All the good ones, the ones before that night. Starting from the first day of the new school year. He was sitting in the back too afraid to make friends, afraid of being bullied again. 'what's that you're reading?' someone said next to him. He looked up to see a tall blond girl looking curiously at the open pages of his book.

'The hunger games' Shane replied quietly. He wasn't sure about this girl.

'oohh! I love the hunger games, I think it only gets better in part two and three, where are you at?' the girl sat down next to Shane, bubbling with excitement. 'I really only just started, I didn't even know there was a second book.'

'don’t mind me then. I won’t spoil anything. Unless you can't stand surprises!' the girl said.

'Thanks… I like being surprised' Shane responded slowly. The girl was grinning at him. 'Cool! I will keep that in mind… boo!' Shane shot up startled but he could see the giggling. He had been so afraid of being bullied but this didn’t feel like that, the girl was being too nice for that. 'good one' Shane said putting on an unamused tone. 'But you should know better tha… oh my god what is that!' Shane pointed behind the girl, who turned around in shock. Now it was her turn to see Shane giggling. Shane saw her slowly smiling back. Maybe this school  year wouldn't be so scary after all.

'well if there are no further questions we will continue this course next week, I dearly hope to see every one of you there' professor Byrne's voice announced, breaking Shane's spell and his reminiscing. 'please don't forget to write your name on the sheet for the group projects before leaving.'

Shane didn't quite realise what was going on yet when everybody got up and made their way to the front of the lecture hall. He was still thinking about that first day of school back when he was twelve and met Erin. Funny how he felt almost the same then as now. awkward, afraid. Then and now he really would rather not be noticed by anyone. But then, by force or by choice, Erin had brought him out of his shell. And he had…… He hadn't treated her very well. Maybe this was a chance for him to actually say something to her again. What? he had no idea. But there was such a strong pull to get up and walk over to the space where Erin sat and just say… Shane was standing in front of the empty desk feeling stupid. Erin had already got up and left. He turned to the front of the class, standing on his tip-toes to see if he could catch a glimpse of her but to no success. She must have gotten up as quickly as possible. A deep sadness started to engulf Shane. Unfortunately one he was familiar with. He had been feeling this way ever since prom night.

In the last few years of high school Shane had started to embrace his surprising popularity. Guys thought he was funny and cool and girls where interested in him so why not try to play into what they seemed to like. Shane had always been a bit of a shaggy kid, but he started dressing better taking better care of his (facial) hair. He attempted to join the rugby team and got in as a full-back. It really wasn't his sport but it made him more popular, so why not? He had a large group of friends, many of whom he considered very close friends. But the feeling that all he was. All the neat facial hair and the short, gelled up cut. All the polo's and sunglasses. All the partying and making jokes at other people's expense, was that really him? He didn’t actually feel all that sad in those years, just empty. There was something missing. Some person shaped hole that was being filled up with alcohol and weed vapour. The early years of his teens weren't great either. But he had felt less empty. He wore the clothes that felt sort of comfortable, he hung out with the people he felt a draw towards and his jokes were actually funny, not just mean. Back when he hung out more with Erin he felt like he was actually able to let go more. But in those later years of high school he had let that ship sail. He did not want to think about why. Thinking about it hurt… He felt hurt. By her? he didn't know he just knew that all the memories of those years hurt. But the hole in himself wasn't going away and at prom night all of it came to a head. He had drank way too much at the after party near the old factory and had thrown up all over himself. He was feeling horrible and desperately needed someone to help him but all of his friends where just laughing, calling him a pussy for not holding his alcohol.

That night kind of broke Shane. The next morning and the day after that he did nothing but stare at the ceiling. He didn’t cry, he didn’t really respond to anything at all. All that happened in those two days is that he started realising how empty he truly felt. His supposed friends had laughed at him the way he had laughed at others. The girls that said that he was attractive before called him disgusting and he almost felt a sort of relief from hearing that. At least now how he viewed himself wasn't so different form how others viewed him. He realised how horrendous all his drug use made him feel. What a horrible person he was when he was drunk. But worst of all is that nobody seemed to care. His 'friends' wanted to go drinking again, texting him that 'pukey' was the life of the party, he had to come. Shane tried to say he did not want to be called that and got called a pussy again. He turned off his phone and just started at the ceiling for a few more weeks.

Shane returned to being the shaggy, unkempt mess of a person he was at twelve. Just a couple of friends short in the process, but at least this felt more him than that other him had felt like. Not saying much. Shane was empty. He barely got out of the bed for anything and his years after high school were spend working a shit retail job where he didn’t talk and afterwards he went home to read. He found his only escape in those books in which he could endlessly live as something or someone else. After two years of this even Shane had enough, and thought that he could at least try and look for something a bit higher up than retail. He signed up for university.

And what did university bring? Seeing Erin again and realising she snuck out before he could react, probably to avoid him trying to talk to her. Just the most painful reminder that he really had no one to blame but himself. At least now he felt something. A deep stinging pain. He walked down to the front of the quickly emptying lecture hall. He would write his name down on one of the random group projects, but by the time the project actually started maybe he would have already given up on the idea of a literature degree and the delusion that he was worth anything. He had to be fast because he could feel his eyes prickling with the tears that wanted to come up. At least his body still functioned. He hadn't felt any noteworthy emotion come up in a long time.

'Shane was it? My dear you don’t look so good, is everything alright?' In his haze Shane had made his way to the front of the class and almost bumped into professor Byrne. The tears prickling in his eyes stopped the moment he realised he wasn't alone. A voice inside of him screamed don't cry! They don't like it when you cry! Blue eyes met green and Shane felt that same pull he had felt before the lecture started when Byrne had asked him why he was interested in her course. he had just wanted to give a dismissive response and slink into one of the corners of the room. Instead he had talked at length how he always loved to read. From European comics as a young child to children's and young adult novels around the age of 10. All this wasn't a secret. Even in his 'popular' phase he admitted to reading. But why he had elaborated so much on such an easy question felt strange. All the while Byrne's eyes just kept piercing him. her long dark eyelashes making it feel even more intense. And was that purple he saw? Then he said something he had never admitted to anyone. 'I love reading romance books' saying that almost broke the spell entirely. Why would he divulge that to a stranger? His speech stalled and just when Byrne was about to take over for him her eyes darted away from his, releasing him from her stare.

'let's finish this conversation later, I need to start preparing this class.' Shane turned around and saw that most of the seats were already taken. So much for slinking away into the back he thought. It was why in the end he did not take a seat in the corner but somewhere in the centre of the classroom, in view for Erin to spot him and for him to spot Erin. At the moment he didn't know if it was a gift or a curse.

'It's nothing, I just got something stuck in my eye. I was just going to write my name down..' Shane had made the mistake of looking into those eyes again. those deep green eyes and he couldn’t help himself

'I just met someone I hurt a long time ago.' He said, realizing he finally admitted out loud that he was the one that hurt her. 'I wish I got to talk to her… but she left as soon as the lecture was over… I mean, it's not like I deserve to be allowed to say sorry. She is right to hate me….. I just.. I just want to explain things to her, but I don’t even know what to explain.'

Shane was again stuck in a loop of cutting the conversation short and picking it up again because he could not get rid of the feeling he was meant to continue. Byrne's eyes would not allow his lips to stop moving. He had finally found a stop in his words and he dearly hoped that would be the end of it. if he said anything more the tears would return.

'What is it you cannot explain?' Byrne asked expectantly. To Shane there was no question. Professor Byrne's eyes did not convey a question. This was a command veiled by intonation.

'I don’t know…' there was a long silence. Byrne just kept staring. Shane felt no harshness in the look. Shane wasn't being chided for keeping a secret, he was being allowed the time to process. 'I can't explain it… I hurt her and I don't know why.. She was always just the best friend I could imagine but it didn't make me feel any better, and then…. I just thought other stuff… other people maybe could.. But I only felt worse... and now I feel like shit and I don't even know how to make it up to her.' Shane started to feel the prickle in his eyes again. His legs felt weak. Byrne must have noticed because he guided him to the desk and into a chair. She barely broke the eye contact, making sure Shane felt that grip on him. It almost started to feel comforting.

'Why do you feel so bad dear?' There was a touch on Shane's hand. He looked down and saw Byrne's long and slender fingers touch the back of his palm. He couldn't remember being touched in forever. Not since.. since… 'your skin is actually pretty soft' a voice from a memory said to him. the dam burst. 'I- I- don't know..' a tiny voice came out of Shane's mouth. He could feel wetness on his cheeks. His voice was strained as he tried to express himself, a desire that felt like his. 'I don’t remember not feeling bad. I am just a waste of space. I don’t know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don’t know why I am even trying I can’t picture any future for myself anyways……..' He left that last bit hanging in the air. Mostly because he didn't realise he felt that way himself before he said it. It was true though. It had always been true. Ever since he was a kid he had no answer for 'what do you want to be when you grow up?'

'Oh dear, this sounds more serious than I was expecting.' Byrne said. 'I want to make sure my students are doing well in my classes both academically and personally. But rarely am I confronted with this much right from the start.'

'I'm sorry, I don't know where this is coming from, let me just get out of your hair' Shane made an attempt to stand up, but the soft fingers of Professor Byrne suddenly grasped Shane's wrist tightly. 'Don’t apologise my dear. And don’t assume that you are being bothersome. I have listened thus far. What makes you think I will stop listening now?'

'I… My old friends didn’t seem interested..' Shane's voice was weak again, feeling his throat contract with a new wave of sadness. 'I am not an old friend.' Byrne's tone went lower than before. 'And I am not interested in their opinions. Seeing from your qualification of them as 'former' neither should you.' Shane was stunned by the intensity of the words. Professor Byrne had let him do most of the talking up to that point. It was her eyes that captured him. but now… Shane could hear the emotion. She almost felt angry for him. something he hadn't even bothered to be. Why would he when he always considered it his own fault anyways.

'Shane… My dear.. I sensed a great sadness in you when I first saw you. I had hoped I was wrong but I fear I might have even underestimated the depth of it. Like I said before, I take great pride in my students professional and personal wellbeing and I cannot stand to see someone in my class suffer like this. Unfortunately I do not believe what is bothering you can be fixed within the period between classes. I am anticipating another interruption of our conversation any minute now. So I would like to offer you this. You are welcome to come visit me at 16:00 every work day in my office so we have more time to talk. Now, you are free to honour that agreement or not, to visit one day or all five, but know that I will be there if you say yes.'

Shane was slightly shocked. Professor Byrne would go through that much effort just to help him out? She had only known him for two hours now? Could she really be that involved in her students?

'I can see doubt creeping its way on to your face darling.' Byrne said, reading Shane perfectly. 'So I will be forward and tell you what I will be gaining from this exchange. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to see people at peace. I sense great conflict within you, conflict I would like to resolve. It would not be a wholly charitable act on my part, but neither would it be selfish. If I can grant you the peace you are looking for you will grant me pleasure. Would you agree to this.'

'I-' Shane's throat dried up. The silence stretched…………………… peace? Peace for pleasure? He wasn't even sure what it meant. He wasn't sure what peace felt like. 'How can you possibly help me?' Shane didn't mean to be accusatory but he genuinely wondered how. Nothing he could remember had truly made him feel better.

'my dear. Tell me, what are you feeling now' Byrne said. That intense gaze was back, forcing Shane to truly consider how he felt. He tried to look within and he felt empty as always. But it was not as gaping. Some of it had been filled in. He could feel all those things he had given voice to in his conversation with professor Byrne nestle inside of him. What had always seemed to be an all-consuming void suddenly felt less enormous. All the sadness being released took its rightful place as part of him. Now that the hole wasn't insurmountable he could even sense those precious memories of his early teens, when he and Erin where still friends, cling on to dear life inside of the hole. Shane felt calm. He felt like he could maybe actually do something about his aching.

'I feel calm' he repeated his thoughts. He must have looked surprised because Professor Byrne's mouth curled up into a smile. 'Peace for pleasure' she repeated. 'Do we have a deal?'

Shane stared at Professor Byrne and for the first time in a long time a spark of hope lit up inside his dark cavern. 'We have a deal.'

'wonderful' Byrne said and then there was purple.