“Alright… get a tissue or blood sample from hypnos lamiatus. How hard could it be? Maybe it’s into biting? It couldn’t be too hard to ask. God… I can’t believe the commander saw me get hypnotized and shagged by it. And I have to do it again! This is so embarass- who’s there!?”

(sound of brush being stepped on)

“Oh little exploooorer…”

“(gasp) Okay, it’s her. Just gotta… get ready to… wait… what…”

“No no, little one, eyes on me. You can ignore my friend.”

“What… is that…”

“A friend of mine. You don’t need to worry. Just go to sleep.”

“Go… to…”

(small wet sounds)

“See? They’re really quite easy.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re the one with the hypnotic powers. I have to spin webs to catch my prey. Ugh… hypnos lamiatus. It’s so lame. You think if they knew about me they’d come up with something similarly trite?”

“Ahaha, I can read it now! Arachne houdinicus!”

“Tch. Whatever. She is pretty… where did you say her erogenous zones were?”

“You’re done already? There’s barely any web?”

“Oh, you’re all about coiling up your prey as much as possible. It’s so maximalist. I only need just a few strands, and the spell is cast. Isn’t that right, my little toy?”

“Mmm… toy…”

“Hm hm. We should work together more like this sometime. Your words and my webs are such a treat when used together. Let’s show her.”

“Oh yes. Let’s.”

~

“This is fascinating! I don’t remember telling you to record the encounter again, but it clearly paid dividends.”

“Force of habit, I guess…”

“Arachne houdinicus… that’s not already taken, is it? It’s good.”

“Is it?”

“Kinky little things… you think they knew they were being recorded? Think they’d mind?”

“Commander!”

“Oh, relax. You’re not in trouble. You get to have all the fun. Now go back and get that tissue sample like you said you would. And see if you can’t tease one out of the spider, can’t you?”