Circuit Breaker

Every Time I Close My Eyes I Stop Existing (Page Two)

by CyanidePrincess

Tags: #cw:gore #bondage #f/f #pov:bottom #scifi #sub:female #alien_invasion #bisexual_lead #dom:female #drug_play #Human_Domestication_Guide #mind_control #petplay #robots #sadomasochism #slow_burn #trans_egg #transgender_characters
See spoiler tags : #cw:protagonist_death
(Some Content Warning tags are spoilered. Click to show them) #cw:protagonist_death

Some playful flirtyness here and there, and the introduction of one of the main character's many strange quirks. Tws for this are: alcohol and the confrontation of the gray area of forced domestication, as well as the MC having another seizure. 

The sun is blindingly bright outside and the skies are clear. It never ceases to amaze me how clean the air is here now. Ever since the Affini arrived and swept humanity off its feet, they've been making things gradually better. Living in a post scarcity society is a net good for humanity for everyone except the people who were on top before the affini's arrival. 
Though, even with the obviousness of their positive impact on humanity and Terran society, I still feel bittersweet about their presence on the planet.
I mean, I do owe my life to them, I would have died in the cell that was my father's lab if it weren't for one Affini accidently disconnecting some important internals. But, at the same time, I can't help but feel strange over the morality of the world as a whole. It's not forced subjugation, but it's still subjugation. Can this be considered positive oppression? Humanity barely has any rights here, but is that even a bad thing?
The apertures within my eyes finally contract and make less light flow into my optics, tuning down the intensity of the sun. 
I must still be tired, that really took a while to adjust to.
Dragging my feet across the ground as i'm walking provides some nice stimulation for the fake receptors in my feet. Gives me something for my brain to focus on that isn't the constant drive to fight something.
Oh yeah, did I mention the fact that I'm constantly swamped with the feeling, the need and desire to vent my energy by fighting something. Pushing my mostly mechanical body to the bitter edge in the heat of battle? Well, it should be obvious. I was designed to be a war droid. A super soldier or something....
But, I have to choke down that undying need 24/7 or else I risk forced domestication.... I do not allow myself to figure out whether or not I want that.
So, my plan, my flawless genius plan is to somehow convince the Affini Compact that I'm both not a danger to myself or others, and also fine to duel....  A few months ago I submitted an application for domestication with the help of a legal expert to make sure it's known that I will accept domestication, but only under one condition.
I lose a fight to an Affini. They claim their ownership over me by claiming me in battle. 
How could I possibly win these fights? Well, that's for later. But a big part of it comes from the fact that I'm a genetically modified, technologically edited sophont. Not a human, not a terran. A sophont. And a male sophont at that, even though my mental connection to that designation is a little fuzzy.
Sadly, I can't even let myself think about that, I mean I'm not able to. If I try to look into anything about my identity, along with a few other things, I'm just completely locked out of the data readout. Meaning I just.... Can't. But it's fine anyway. It's not like non-male sophonts are allowed to be fighters. That's a male thing, through and through. So I accept it without a second thought.
Anything that happened to be in my head or memory banks at any time leading up to... That day. Is totally locked from me. Though now I can add or subtract any new additional codes if I wish. Just not anything that could possibly interfere with what's locked from me.
Another help from the Affini. A very tech savvy Affini was able to get me to this state a few years back, though no one's been able to break through my mental barriers without running the extreme risk of accidentally re initiating the dormant kill switch hiding somewhere within and immediately wiping my existence from consciousness, unstoppably killing myself outright.
My thoughts are clouding up my RAM at the moment, when a tap on my shoulder wakes me from my thoughtful daze.
"Jalen? What are you doing here? You've been standing here for at least the last ten minutes just staring at the door to this hab unit. Are you okay?" A red tinted bush person asks me. She's several feet taller than I am. Oh hey, I happen to know this one. Lillina Nera, Third Bloom (She/Her). 
"Huh? Uh oh yeah, I'm good Lillina. Just got a little lost in thought for a minute there. Don't worry about it" I run a small smile command and quickly check my logs, I find that I've been standing here staring for the last thirty minutes. Thank God she didn't see me standing here for longer. 
"I suppose it's to be expected. Your father is in there." She's right, he is. He's in there, silent and totally brain melted by a slew of Xenodrugs, constantly assaulted with ecstasy by his Affini owner. They're called Florets. Pets, that is. Sophonts that have given up all their rights including their right to personhood in some cases, to be owned and played with by an Affini for the rest of their lives. Or, in the case of my father, forcibly made into a floret after being deemed a danger. 
It's a strange dynamic. One that fascinates me, but not something I'm interested in learning too much more about. Not my style. I'm independent, I'm safe. Definitely. Years of safety work have ensured that. 
"He is, isn't he." I say, turning around and walking away. I don't feel like looking at his forever joyous face today.
"Aww petal, you came all this way just to walk away?" Affini like to use condescending pet names for sophonts constantly. Not that I entirely mind the nicknames. I have no humanity I'm trying to cling onto anyway. 
"I did. But now I'm leaving, I'm thinking about heading to a club or a bar or something.... Care to join me?" I give her a convincing smile even though I'm not totally feeling it today. Must be a depressive day today. A quick scan of myself indicates that.
"Sure Jalen, I don't happen to have other plans. Just don't drink too much. You went a little overboard last time, cutie." She says with an 'eye roll' and a 'wink.' That's another thing the Affini love to do. Flirt. Though it doesn't affect me, I know I'm not actually cute, so the phrase just passes through me, nonchalantly. 
"You got it, Lillina. I'll stick to just one martini tonight. My tolerance is pretty low lately anyway." I say. Most Affini don't actually know I'm mostly synthetic. Alcohol does nothing to me besides what I've coded it to do. 
I intend to keep the knowledge of my being a robot kinda a secret as much as I can. Although my connection with being considered human is a debate of thelonius' spacecraft. How much of me can be replaced before I'm something else entirely, I still care about what people think, and I don't want people going around thinking I'm some dumb toaster brained digitalized sophont or something. 
Maybe that's just silly. I run a giggle executable for a moment in order to convince the Affini in front of me that I am in fact okay. She brightens up a bit and starts walking down the sidewalk presumably towards the nearest bar or something.

A thought occurs to me. "Hey, Lillina... Do you think if I did actually drink too much, it'd effect my chances at being accepted at the committee meeting tonight?" I ask as we continue walking. Well I walk, and the Affini next to me does what Affini do instead of normal walking. 
"I can't say that I know that for sure, but better to play it safe right? Although... Is it really that bad if your treaty isn't accepted?" She looks at me with a tilted smile like she knows what she's saying.
"Yes, actually. It is that bad. I've spent the last several years working on the means to have this treaty reasonably acceptable." I tell her, looking her in the eyes. There's something that Affini eyes do to sophonts. Well, normal sophonts. People say it's hypnotic. I wouldn't know. My eyes are made of glass and metal.
"I'll never understand your Terran desire for violence." She says with a floaty laugh. It's easy on the ears. Her laugh is pretty, I like it.

"Not the first time I've heard that this week, actually. But hey. I'm not hurting anymore, am I?" I ask her jokingly. She suddenly looks serious and bends down slightly to meet my gaze. 
"Are you, little Terran?" She asks me directly. I feel uncomfortable with the amount of eye contact going on here.
"I'm..." My breath hitches strangely. "I'm not, Lillina. I and my supervisors have made sure of that."
"I believe you." She relaxes and gives me a full cheeked happy smile that Affini are known for. A vine of hers extends past me to a door which she opens for me.
That's funny. It's funny that she opened the door for me. "Thank you, Lils." 
"Anytime cuteness." She says with an audible wink. It's funny that she opened the door for me. I can lift weights excess of several times the amount she probably thinks I can. But Affini being Affini, she's gotta be as 'helpful' as she can be. 
I don't hate the Affini. Some days I love them, really. But other days.... They get on my nerves a little bit. My... Circuits, I should say.
Lillina leads me to a seat. The chairs are far too tall for normal sophonts to climb up into. Time to show off I guess. I grab a hold of the ledge on the top of the chair and effortlessly pull myself up and on top of it. 
She's seen me do it before, but she always looks surprised and honestly a little sad that she couldn't help me into the chair like normal.
It's my little piece of self centered rebellion in a world so completely dominated by the Affini. Whether or not that's a good thing is... Not something I concern myself with. 
Sarcasm. My greatest weapon. Time for the big guns. 
I lean forward towards Lillina's side of the table and casually rest my chin on my hands. "So, you come here often?" She giggles her signature giggle before snaking a vine my way and ruffling my hair a bit. Diagnostics says my core body temperature raises by about 2 degrees. Affini sure like their... Touching. Not a fan of it myself.
"Would you like me to come here more often?" She asks me with a smile. My body temperature rises again.
"Uh... I mean... If you like it here. I was uh... Joking." What a flop. Computational power my ass.
"Oh! I get it " she smiles happily again.
Holy shit if I was an actual Terran, I think I'd fail at this so hard. I am not built for socialization.
Thank the stars. The waiter comes over and takes our order. A very pretty yet androgynous looking Floret with a happy and dazed stare. 
"Hello! My name is Liza! I will be your server for today" they giggle a few times. I watch in silence as Lillina reaches over and pets their cheek for a moment. The server nearly tumbles over from the affectionate contact. It's normal procedure around here, trust me. 
"I'll just have a nutrient water for myself, and the little flower here will have whatever the house special is for the night." Lillina smiles, and the waiter turns to happily walk away. 
"I can order for myself, you know." I mutter quietly. 
The waiter turns back around to face me. "Oh! Would you like something else?"
Dirt. They weren't supposed to hear me.
"N-no. I'll take that. I just... I can order for myself next time." I say. Stars, I really can't keep this up. Why did I come out here today? 
"Oh and throw in a martini as well please. Thank you" I mention as they finally turn and leave.
The urge to immediately put my head several inches into the ground from sheer embarrassment is intense but manageable.
"So." Lillina happily breaks the silence. "Want to tell me all about your little meeting today?" 
"Uh... Okay sure I guess." I shrug. "So this should be the last of like... Almost twenty meetings so far with safety councils and overseers to finally have my permission to duel, treaty clause passed. I've been waiting for this day..." A stray jolt from my electric heart causes my right hand to spasm uncontrollably for a moment. Thankfully Lillina doesn't catch it. 
"For probably the last four or five years." It takes a minute for my servos to reset my generators energy levels to normal.
"You have a strange relationship with domestication there, cutie. From what I've read of your treaty application..." She read my treaty application? Why. "It seems that some parts of you do wish to be domesticated."
Her shimmering red and gold eyes bore holes through my head. I'm so glad I can't be hypnotized. "Why not just put your fighting spirit down and agree to be domesticated without all the hassle?" I squirm in my seat uncomfortably. Energy and heat levels rising again without my consent.
"It's... It's not about that... I have just. A very strong urge to fight. Okay? But since the Affini and their endless amounts of love and care say I can't ‘without being a danger’, I've set up my  treaty this way." I add with a certain inflection, choosing not to mention the fact that at any given point my body is genuinely begging me to be killed in battle. Something about the concept of Valhalla just screams at my internals. 
"Plus" I say "if you want me as your pet. You'll have to fight me for it." I tilt my head down and give her the ol challenger eyes.
She just smiles and stares back at me. "It would be awfully fun breaking down your will now, wouldn't it? I'll consider it. We'll see. I'm not much of the fighter type anyway."
We both relax into our seats a bit. There's something tense in the air. My war tech body is urging me to pick some kind of violent procedure. I resist. I'm happy to be here, please do not ruin it for me. Damned programming. Sometimes I wish Xenodrugs had any kind of effect on me. 
"Anyways, flower. You're always so fond of your tools. Why don't you tell me about what you plan to unveil tonight at the meeting?" She asks me as the waiter returns with our food.
I give the waiter a happy little normal smile. They smile back for longer.
"Sure." I say as I start to sink a fork into the food on my plate. Looks like pasta cake. Or... Whatever is called. My memory banks fail to give me the word for layered pasta.
One enthusiastic and overly detailed explanation of my toolset later, Lillina summons over the floret waiter again to return our plates. I polish off the last bit of my martini before straightening myself out again. 
"You got any plans after this? Lils?" A nickname I've chosen for her. It’s only fair for the amount of times she calls me 'flower.' Can't she see I'm a cool and sophisticated sophont?
"Nothing interesting. Though I am thinking about stopping by a particular domestication clinic on my way home to pick up some paperwork." She looks at me.
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Terrible question. I already know the answer. She looks at me with a coy smile. If I was Terran, I would blush. Instead I just lock myself from facial movements for a moment.
"Oh well. Just because, petal. I'll be seeing you later now won't I?" She says happily. Sweeping me up into a vine hold and setting me down before I have a moment to protest. Ugh, I hate it when she does that without asking!
I choose not to mention it.
"Yeah um... See you later lils." I wave to her as we part ways.
A quick check of my internal clock app tells me I still have a few hours until the scheduled meeting time.
I guess I'll go walk around a park and look at the scenery for a little while before heading home and packing up.
Parks. This world is full to the brim with parks. Since day one when the Affini arrived a few years ago, like number one thing they've done is make more hospitable public spaces. And they love their parks.
I can't deny. There is at least some beauty in the nature of it all. All until I watch some blissed out puppy dog of a Terran running around on all fours with a toy in its mouth and a leash around their neck.
Immediately I'm reminded that it's exactly what my father looks like right now. Fucked up and practically braindead on extacy.
Air is drawn into my body through a mechanical vacuum. Just to be stored for a minute in my reserves before being drawn out again in a long, exasperated sigh.
A feeling invades me. A feeling I know very well by this point. Seeping in through every crack in my armor like inky black motor oil.
It's best to turn around and head home now before I end up out of my own head.
Turning on my heels, I almost walk directly into someone standing behind me.
I'd have been startled if I wasn't technologically indifferent to the jump scare of a random Terran half a foot from my face out of the blue. 
"Uh. Hello?" I ask them.
They're not wearing a collar. Their eyes seem focused. Unlikely they have an owner.
"Hello!" They smile and wave to me.
My eyes distort for a moment, the apertures jittering for a moment. I swear I can see something off about this Terran.
They just stand there and smile at me before I decide to just walk around past them and go on my merry way.
I quickly turn my head after a few steps to look if they're still there. They've turned around now and are staring at me.
WTF. Creepy.
I keep walking like I didn't just encounter some kind of NPC.
Hilarious comparison coming from a literal robot. I know.
After I've left the park and gotten about half way back to my hab unit, I decide to just sit down for a moment and relax.
Strangely, I can feel an extra weight laying down on me. It's like the gravity has suddenly gotten stronger.
I need to get home soon. But for some reason.... I can't get the image of that Terran in the park out of my head. Something is just particularly unnerving about those big brown eyes of theirs. Seems familiar in some way.
I can feel the motorized joints and pulleys in my spine start to relax for a moment into the bench I've sat down on.
My mind starts to wander. Distantly a stray memory from my damaged banks plays just behind my focus.
It gives me feelings in my distant state. Something looking into me for a very very long time. Something saving me.
I don't even notice when my generator overloads again and starts venting energy into my right leg until it slaps into the ground a few times with enough force to wake me.
"ah... Ah!" I grab ahold of my rebellious leg and lock it in place with my arms. It flails against me for a moment before I cut its power cycler for a moment and vent the rest of the energy through my normal means. Chattering my teeth.
Some random floret and Affini pair wander over to me and ask me if I'm fine. I play an automated message through my voice recorder beneath my tongue to let them know I'm fine, just a bit jittery today. The Affini offers me something to calm my nerves. I respectfully decline.
I need to get home soon anyway.
The pair leave and I'm back up on my feet, trodding the rest of the way back to my hab unit. I get there and stand at the door for a moment. Charging up a minor static charge to send through the door to allow me to enter without saying please. So demeaning. 
The door opens. There's someone standing at the other side of the room, staring at me with big brown eyes. My lenses close for just a moment, reopening to see nothing's there.
But I can't help it now. It dredged up those horrible feelings again. Violence rages in my chest, thrashing against my will. My generator peaks again but this time much harder.
My brain is filled with the memory of a phrase. "Killswitch"
The door closes behind me just in time for me to hit the ground, useless against the sea of random motor failures. My entire body shakes and spasms as my voltage upcharges and discharges randomly throughout every mechanical muscle and metal joint in my body.
It doesn't hurt, but I can't control it. My higher functioning fades away for a minute while I flail around on the floor like an electric fish out of water.

(End Of Page Two)

Chapter title comes from a lyric in the song "Obedient" by Ecco2k and Bladee. Drain gang for life!

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