Girl In Your Dreams
Dysphoria
by Cherry
Tags:
#cw:depression
#cw:gender_dysphoria
#D/s
#dom:female
#hypnosis
#transgender_characters
#urban_fantasy
#but_a_weird_sorta_furry
#dom:nb
#furry
#like_mostly_how_real_life_furries_are
#sub:female
#sub:male
#trans_egg
CW: Bad intrusive thoughts, severe Dysphoria, discussion of transphobia and misogyny, accidental self-harm
Jesstrogen: i cannot possibly be the only one who noticed that he kept going allJesstrogen: BLURRYZeroBird: Oh thank god I had honestly thought it was just mektspace87: yeah dunno if its our business but fwiw jessies right dude was hella blurryOphidian_Solace: He seemed like a really nice lad but he was, in a quite literal sense, sketchy as hell.Jesstrogen: his self-image is SO vagueJesstrogen: daddy you didn't tell us he had dysphoriaHypnospacePsychonaut: Okay maybe he has some mildly slightly extremely serious dysphoriaHypnospacePsychonaut: but it wasn't my place to tell you
Lucas wakes at twelve thirty in the afternoon, and immediately rushes to the bathroom.
Ophidian_Solace: Is that what dysphoria looks like from the outside? You go blurry?Jesstrogen: i mean now that i think about it i don't think we've ever had someone with serious unresolved dysphoria in the dreamspace beforeJesstrogen: myrrah was three years into transition when i met her, i was a year in, alex and riley were both about two years in by the time we met each of them, we didn't bring katie here until after she startedktspace87: yeah lucas is the first "cis" guy weve hung out withZeroBird: But why blurry? Why does that happen?Ophidian_Solace: If I had to relate it to my own experiences, it might be that he's dissociating. He doesn't think of "his body," he thinks of himself as "a person who happens to be in a body."Ophidian_Solace: If the agonising meat shell doesn't bring you joy, why bother thinking about it any more than you need to for the purposes of keeping yourself alive?ktspace87: agonizing meat shell is my new grindcore band name
Get in the shower, Lucas, get in the shower and take your clothes off so you do not need to look at yourself in the mirror. Do not look at yourself in the mirror.
Ophidian_Solace: Did you notice how the times when the blurriness was the worst were when we used the name "Lucas" and when he looked at us in human form?Ophidian_Solace: Sort of an unspoken declaration of "oh god, if only."
Try not to think about how you will never look like them. They were beautiful, all of them, in their own way, and you can never be like that.
Jesstrogen: if he's dysphoric to such a serious degree don't we have, like, a responsibilityHypnospacePsychonaut: like a responsibility to do WHATJesstrogen: i dunno, like, help him? with the dysphoria?HypnospacePsychonaut: like what, am I gonna go into photoshop and use a sharpen filter
Get the shaving cream. Get the shaving cream, and start shaving. No, no, put the electric shaver down. Use the razor first, or we'll be here all day.
KnifeWretch: Ask him if he thinks he's transHypnospacePsychonaut: I'm sorry but you were... there for Katie, right? Like you remember KatieHypnospacePsychonaut: Katie sweetheart I love you but YOU were there for youktspace87: like yeah tbh val shes not wrongktspace87: hey mr crossdressing mallgoth scenekid who smashes mirrors only plays the girl characters in tekken and hires online tgirl dommes to run fantasies about being forced to suck dick for hormonesktspace87: do you think u might be transktspace87: nah nah im good everythings good im a cis boy these are perfectly normal cis boy activities
Okay, good, that's all the hair on your face. Keep going. Your legs are positively disgusting.
ktspace87: the preawakening trans girl is a true mystery of creationktspace87: densest object known to human sciencektspace87: magical ability to jump to every fuckin conclusion except oh hmmm maybe im not a boyktspace87: can keep two obviously connected ideas in her head entirely seperatektspace87: banished by daylight and reflective surfacesktspace87: singlehandedly keeps thigh high sock companies in business but never seen wearing them
You realise no matter how hard you shave it's all going to grow back, right? It's all going to grow back and it will keep growing back and it will keep... looking like that. Forever. You will look like this, forever.
ktspace87: look val i know u were doin bathtub hrt by the time you were legal to drink and that honestly slapsktspace87: but i think its fair to say you never had a particularly strong attachment to genderktspace87: largely because you took up the fuck society fuck civilization im a gross rodent bizzo very early in lifektspace87: (btw gross rodent high five)KnifeWretch: 🦇🤟🐀ktspace87: you were like lmfao whats one more slur they can call mektspace87: take a number and go to the back of the line bitch
Don't think about how you've tried to shave that revolting grey subdermal shadow on your face away so hard you've cut skin and bled from it. Oh, you're already thinking about it? Well, you were never very good at avoiding poor decisions, were you? You can't get rid of it. That's not something you can shave away. The hairs are under the skin. They will always be under the skin.
ktspace87: lucas otoh seems like a very proper well brought up gentlemanktspace87: hes polite and charming and a genuinely nice dude but hes part ofktspace87: likektspace87: a structure???ktspace87: i would say when you are not otherwise bein fucked by society theres kind of likektspace87: a sunk cost to your gender???ktspace87: esp for men who are at least mildly leftist and kinda understand patriarchyktspace87: aw shit look at all the privilege id have to give up to become a womanktspace87: like idk maybe ill just be dysphoric forever and at least not deal with misogyny
I'm sorry, what? What was that? Could you be like them? Hahaha, no, of course you couldn't, Lucas. They were lucky. They had good faces for it, and they must've started years ago. You're 31. It's way too late. But you knew that already.
ktspace87: and theres like this very specific way a lot of dysphoric men see themselvesktspace87: which is like absolute failures of manliness but also way way way too manly at the same timektspace87: it kinda pushes em to try to be more manly and masculine and big strong boyktspace87: but usually they fail cuz their hearts not in it and if they succeed they just feel worsektspace87: but their attempts to look more manly make them less confident they could ever look femininektspace87: and then if youre like me and you crossdressed a bunch the crossdressing starts to disgust youktspace87: like obviously youre not a woman obviously obviously obviously u could neverktspace87: so if youre not a woman but youre wearing womans clothes obviously u must be doing this for sexual excitementktspace87: and if you do it in public ew grossktspace87: it feels more and more like youre nonconsensually involvin ppl in a fetishktspace87: or worse like youre blackfacing or some rly offensive shit like that
Oh look, you cut yourself, you stupid shit. You stupid fucking shit. You were pressing the razor too hard against the skin. That's going to leave a bump, you stupid, useless piece of fucking shit.
ktspace87: and then theres likektspace87: the lack of exposure most people have to normal trans pplktspace87: u either see phobes posting the worst possible picturesktspace87: hollywood just casting regular ass cis dudes in wigs as trans womenktspace87: or chasers posting unrealistic tgirl pornstarsktspace87: and youre like oh damn i dont wanna look like the first two and ill never be able to match the thirdktspace87: you dont see enough generally pretty trans women or even regular ass okay trans womenktspace87: so u have no standard for realistic expectations of what youd look like if you started hrt
You think you'd ever look half as good as them? You think you ever could? Of course not. They were perfect and it was practically an insult that they had to sit next to you. God, did you hear how boring your life was in comparison to theirs? You think you could ever have done anything as cool as wingsuit through a canyon or appear on TV?
ktspace87: but the true horrible curse of trans existence is likektspace87: all that shit will drive u to say "nah im not trans" because god you could neverktspace87: but for anyone else thats not easy to tell from an actual secure cis guy going "nah im not trans"
You're not trans. You're just a loser.
ktspace87: idk that was a whole lot of words to say if you just say "hey lucas fyi do u think u might be trans" hes gonna say "nah im not trans" whether or not thats the caseKnifeWretch: Damn Katie your shitty typing style makes me forget how fucking smart you are sometimesktspace87: ascii gave us exactly 95 printable characters and im even more efficient u lil bucktooth bitch <3ktspace87: like soz everyone i feel like i just said a bunch of shit yall already knowktspace87: i just had flashbacks to being a stupid piece of dumb garbage who could not into girlJesstrogen: but now you're MY stupid piece of dumb garbage girl :3ktspace87: love youuuuuuu mistress <3HypnospacePsychonaut: We love you precious batgirl <3HypnospacePsychonaut: And she's also rightHypnospacePsychonaut: There's kinda no point asking him because almost no matter what he'll say no
You are too tall and weird and ugly to be trans. You have too much beard shadow. You wouldn't make a convincing girl. Everyone would know. You'd look like a freak.
ktspace87: um excuse youktspace87: do not paraphrase me u big stinky dogcatktspace87: i did NOT say u shouldnt ask himktspace87: i said hed always answer noktspace87: you still need to ask himktspace87: how else is he gonna be confronted with the ideaktspace87: i fuckin guarantee hes not gonna formulate it on his own
It's probably best if you give up on this idea. At least we know giving up on things is something you're good at.
ktspace87: look i realize youre still raw about accidentally brainvading the poor kidktspace87: but youd literally just be asking him a question youre not forcing anythingktspace87: this aint inception u aint sneaking inside his head to trick him into loving his shitty billionaire dadCULEBOT: 🚨 THE MOVIE WAS MENTIONED AFTER 18 days 23 hours 38 minutes 27 seconds. CURRENT RECORD: 4 months 8 days 22 hours 58 minutes 16 seconds. 🚨CULEBOT: @ktspace87 rolls 2d20: 24 (17, 7)CULEBOT: @ktspace87 GOT PUNISHMENT 24: "The Second Kick" - Dunked Into Freezing WaterJesstrogen: lmfaoktspace87: fuckass dick bitch cuntHypnospacePsychonaut: Fuck I'm so glad we set that up
Stop crying, Lucas. Mum will hear and then she'll ask what's wrong and you'll have to explain and she won't understand and it'll be a waste of both your time.
ktspace87: look just ask himHypnospacePsychonaut: What lmaoHypnospacePsychonaut: hey lucas just random casual question between friends do you think you're trans?ktspace87: idfk bitch work out a way to slide it into conversation smoothlyktspace87: youre good with sliding things in smoothlyHypnospacePsychonaut: I make no promises
I think this was a very productive conversation, Lucas. I think we got a lot of stuff clarified.
ktspace87: look things were fucked up when you met up with himktspace87: but you know more about him than any of usHypnospacePsychonaut: Maybe that's the problem.HypnospacePsychonaut: I know things about him maybe even he doesn't know, and can't admit even to himselfHypnospacePsychonaut: How is having someone else tell it to him going to help?Jesstrogen: look we all had those shitty intrusive thoughts that told us we were never gonna be good enoughJesstrogen: and after meeting him and seeing why you care about him so much i can't bear to think of him going through thatJesstrogen: and if there's anyone in the world equipped to help him deal with it it's you
Now when you step out of the shower, don't look in the - oh, you stupid shit. You looked in the mirror, didn't you?
HypnospacePsychonaut: I don't want to take responsibility for someone else's life upon myselfHypnospacePsychonaut: What if I fuck up?KnifeWretch: This just in: you already took responsibility for five peoples' lives and you are 5 for 0 on "made someone's life better" vs "fucked someone's life up"ZeroRiley: 👆ktspace87: 👆Jesstrogen: 👆Ophidian_Solace: Yes, what Val said.KnifeWretch: Literally a couple of days ago you said your biggest fear was that he'd hate you and you "wouldn't get the chance to make his life better than it is"KnifeWretch: Which is the Myrrah that saved me
Nobody's coming to save you from yourself, Lucas. You're just going to have to deal with this nonsense on your own.
KnifeWretch: If I deserved the Myrrah that saved me then he definitely does
I had most of this chapter already written before I finished the previous one, and let me tell you it was a relief to be able to just zoom through this because hoo boy this one's pretty heavy
I…holy crap. This hits all my nails. Right on the head. This is so cathartic to read and it hurts so good. I… I don’t know for sure what I am yet, but I know Katie’s comments in this chapter are gonna help me figure it out. Thank you, Cherry. You’re an awesome person, and I can’t wait to read more of this story.