Girl In Your Dreams

Dysphoria

by Cherry

Tags: #cw:depression #cw:gender_dysphoria #D/s #dom:female #hypnosis #transgender_characters #urban_fantasy #but_a_weird_sorta_furry #dom:nb #furry #like_mostly_how_real_life_furries_are #sub:female #sub:male #trans_egg

CW: Bad intrusive thoughts, severe Dysphoria, discussion of transphobia and misogyny, accidental self-harm

Jesstrogen: i cannot possibly be the only one who noticed that he kept going all

Jesstrogen: BLURRY

ZeroBird: Oh thank god I had honestly thought it was just me

ktspace87: yeah dunno if its our business but fwiw jessies right dude was hella blurry

Ophidian_Solace: He seemed like a really nice lad but he was, in a quite literal sense, sketchy as hell.

Jesstrogen: his self-image is SO vague

Jesstrogen: daddy you didn't tell us he had dysphoria

HypnospacePsychonaut: Okay maybe he has some mildly slightly extremely serious dysphoria

HypnospacePsychonaut: but it wasn't my place to tell you

Lucas wakes at twelve thirty in the afternoon, and immediately rushes to the bathroom.

Ophidian_Solace: Is that what dysphoria looks like from the outside? You go blurry?

Jesstrogen: i mean now that i think about it i don't think we've ever had someone with serious unresolved dysphoria in the dreamspace before

Jesstrogen: myrrah was three years into transition when i met her, i was a year in, alex and riley were both about two years in by the time we met each of them, we didn't bring katie here until after she started

ktspace87: yeah lucas is the first "cis" guy weve hung out with

ZeroBird: But why blurry? Why does that happen?

Ophidian_Solace: If I had to relate it to my own experiences, it might be that he's dissociating. He doesn't think of "his body," he thinks of himself as "a person who happens to be in a body."

Ophidian_Solace: If the agonising meat shell doesn't bring you joy, why bother thinking about it any more than you need to for the purposes of keeping yourself alive?

ktspace87: agonizing meat shell is my new grindcore band name

Get in the shower, Lucas, get in the shower and take your clothes off so you do not need to look at yourself in the mirror. Do not look at yourself in the mirror.

Ophidian_Solace: Did you notice how the times when the blurriness was the worst were when we used the name "Lucas" and when he looked at us in human form?

Ophidian_Solace: Sort of an unspoken declaration of "oh god, if only."

Try not to think about how you will never look like them. They were beautiful, all of them, in their own way, and you can never be like that.

Jesstrogen: if he's dysphoric to such a serious degree don't we have, like, a responsibility

HypnospacePsychonaut: like a responsibility to do WHAT

Jesstrogen: i dunno, like, help him? with the dysphoria?

HypnospacePsychonaut: like what, am I gonna go into photoshop and use a sharpen filter

Get the shaving cream. Get the shaving cream, and start shaving. No, no, put the electric shaver down. Use the razor first, or we'll be here all day.

KnifeWretch: Ask him if he thinks he's trans

HypnospacePsychonaut: I'm sorry but you were... there for Katie, right? Like you remember Katie

HypnospacePsychonaut: Katie sweetheart I love you but YOU were there for you

ktspace87: like yeah tbh val shes not wrong

ktspace87: hey mr crossdressing mallgoth scenekid who smashes mirrors only plays the girl characters in tekken and hires online tgirl dommes to run fantasies about being forced to suck dick for hormones

ktspace87: do you think u might be trans

ktspace87: nah nah im good everythings good im a cis boy these are perfectly normal cis boy activities

Okay, good, that's all the hair on your face. Keep going. Your legs are positively disgusting.

ktspace87: the preawakening trans girl is a true mystery of creation

ktspace87: densest object known to human science

ktspace87: magical ability to jump to every fuckin conclusion except oh hmmm maybe im not a boy

ktspace87: can keep two obviously connected ideas in her head entirely seperate

ktspace87: banished by daylight and reflective surfaces

ktspace87: singlehandedly keeps thigh high sock companies in business but never seen wearing them

You realise no matter how hard you shave it's all going to grow back, right? It's all going to grow back and it will keep growing back and it will keep... looking like that. Forever. You will look like this, forever.

ktspace87: look val i know u were doin bathtub hrt by the time you were legal to drink and that honestly slaps

ktspace87: but i think its fair to say you never had a particularly strong attachment to gender

ktspace87: largely because you took up the fuck society fuck civilization im a gross rodent bizzo very early in life

ktspace87: (btw gross rodent high five)

KnifeWretch: 🦇🤟🐀

ktspace87: you were like lmfao whats one more slur they can call me

ktspace87: take a number and go to the back of the line bitch

Don't think about how you've tried to shave that revolting grey subdermal shadow on your face away so hard you've cut skin and bled from it. Oh, you're already thinking about it? Well, you were never very good at avoiding poor decisions, were you? You can't get rid of it. That's not something you can shave away. The hairs are under the skin. They will always be under the skin.

ktspace87: lucas otoh seems like a very proper well brought up gentleman

ktspace87: hes polite and charming and a genuinely nice dude but hes part of

ktspace87: like

ktspace87: a structure???

ktspace87: i would say when you are not otherwise bein fucked by society theres kind of like

ktspace87: a sunk cost to your gender???

ktspace87: esp for men who are at least mildly leftist and kinda understand patriarchy

ktspace87: aw shit look at all the privilege id have to give up to become a woman

ktspace87: like idk maybe ill just be dysphoric forever and at least not deal with misogyny

I'm sorry, what? What was that? Could you be like them? Hahaha, no, of course you couldn't, Lucas. They were lucky. They had good faces for it, and they must've started years ago. You're 31. It's way too late. But you knew that already.

ktspace87: and theres like this very specific way a lot of dysphoric men see themselves

ktspace87: which is like absolute failures of manliness but also way way way too manly at the same time

ktspace87: it kinda pushes em to try to be more manly and masculine and big strong boy

ktspace87: but usually they fail cuz their hearts not in it and if they succeed they just feel worse

ktspace87: but their attempts to look more manly make them less confident they could ever look feminine

ktspace87: and then if youre like me and you crossdressed a bunch the crossdressing starts to disgust you

ktspace87: like obviously youre not a woman obviously obviously obviously u could never

ktspace87: so if youre not a woman but youre wearing womans clothes obviously u must be doing this for sexual excitement

ktspace87: and if you do it in public ew gross

ktspace87: it feels more and more like youre nonconsensually involvin ppl in a fetish

ktspace87: or worse like youre blackfacing or some rly offensive shit like that

Oh look, you cut yourself, you stupid shit. You stupid fucking shit. You were pressing the razor too hard against the skin. That's going to leave a bump, you stupid, useless piece of fucking shit.

ktspace87: and then theres like

ktspace87: the lack of exposure most people have to normal trans ppl

ktspace87: u either see phobes posting the worst possible pictures

ktspace87: hollywood just casting regular ass cis dudes in wigs as trans women

ktspace87: or chasers posting unrealistic tgirl pornstars

ktspace87: and youre like oh damn i dont wanna look like the first two and ill never be able to match the third

ktspace87: you dont see enough generally pretty trans women or even regular ass okay trans women

ktspace87: so u have no standard for realistic expectations of what youd look like if you started hrt

You think you'd ever look half as good as them? You think you ever could? Of course not. They were perfect and it was practically an insult that they had to sit next to you. God, did you hear how boring your life was in comparison to theirs? You think you could ever have done anything as cool as wingsuit through a canyon or appear on TV?

ktspace87: but the true horrible curse of trans existence is like

ktspace87: all that shit will drive u to say "nah im not trans" because god you could never

ktspace87: but for anyone else thats not easy to tell from an actual secure cis guy going "nah im not trans"

You're not trans. You're just a loser.

ktspace87: idk that was a whole lot of words to say if you just say "hey lucas fyi do u think u might be trans" hes gonna say "nah im not trans" whether or not thats the case

KnifeWretch: Damn Katie your shitty typing style makes me forget how fucking smart you are sometimes

ktspace87: ascii gave us exactly 95 printable characters and im even more efficient u lil bucktooth bitch <3

ktspace87: like soz everyone i feel like i just said a bunch of shit yall already know

ktspace87: i just had flashbacks to being a stupid piece of dumb garbage who could not into girl

Jesstrogen: but now you're MY stupid piece of dumb garbage girl :3

ktspace87: love youuuuuuu mistress <3

HypnospacePsychonaut: We love you precious batgirl <3

HypnospacePsychonaut: And she's also right

HypnospacePsychonaut: There's kinda no point asking him because almost no matter what he'll say no

You are too tall and weird and ugly to be trans. You have too much beard shadow. You wouldn't make a convincing girl. Everyone would know. You'd look like a freak.

ktspace87: um excuse you

ktspace87: do not paraphrase me u big stinky dogcat

ktspace87: i did NOT say u shouldnt ask him

ktspace87: i said hed always answer no

ktspace87: you still need to ask him

ktspace87: how else is he gonna be confronted with the idea

ktspace87: i fuckin guarantee hes not gonna formulate it on his own

It's probably best if you give up on this idea. At least we know giving up on things is something you're good at.

ktspace87: look i realize youre still raw about accidentally brainvading the poor kid

ktspace87: but youd literally just be asking him a question youre not forcing anything

ktspace87: this aint inception u aint sneaking inside his head to trick him into loving his shitty billionaire dad

CULEBOT: 🚨 THE MOVIE WAS MENTIONED AFTER 18 days 23 hours 38 minutes 27 seconds. CURRENT RECORD: 4 months 8 days 22 hours 58 minutes 16 seconds. 🚨

CULEBOT: @ktspace87 rolls 2d20: 24 (17, 7)

CULEBOT: @ktspace87 GOT PUNISHMENT 24: "The Second Kick" - Dunked Into Freezing Water

Jesstrogen: lmfao

ktspace87: fuckass dick bitch cunt

HypnospacePsychonaut: Fuck I'm so glad we set that up

Stop crying, Lucas. Mum will hear and then she'll ask what's wrong and you'll have to explain and she won't understand and it'll be a waste of both your time.

ktspace87: look just ask him

HypnospacePsychonaut: What lmao

HypnospacePsychonaut: hey lucas just random casual question between friends do you think you're trans?

ktspace87: idfk bitch work out a way to slide it into conversation smoothly

ktspace87: youre good with sliding things in smoothly

HypnospacePsychonaut: I make no promises

I think this was a very productive conversation, Lucas. I think we got a lot of stuff clarified.

ktspace87: look things were fucked up when you met up with him

ktspace87: but you know more about him than any of us

HypnospacePsychonaut: Maybe that's the problem.

HypnospacePsychonaut: I know things about him maybe even he doesn't know, and can't admit even to himself

HypnospacePsychonaut: How is having someone else tell it to him going to help?

Jesstrogen: look we all had those shitty intrusive thoughts that told us we were never gonna be good enough

Jesstrogen: and after meeting him and seeing why you care about him so much i can't bear to think of him going through that

Jesstrogen: and if there's anyone in the world equipped to help him deal with it it's you

Now when you step out of the shower, don't look in the - oh, you stupid shit. You looked in the mirror, didn't you?

HypnospacePsychonaut: I don't want to take responsibility for someone else's life upon myself

HypnospacePsychonaut: What if I fuck up?

KnifeWretch: This just in: you already took responsibility for five peoples' lives and you are 5 for 0 on "made someone's life better" vs "fucked someone's life up"

ZeroRiley: 👆

ktspace87: 👆

Jesstrogen: 👆

Ophidian_Solace: Yes, what Val said.

KnifeWretch: Literally a couple of days ago you said your biggest fear was that he'd hate you and you "wouldn't get the chance to make his life better than it is"

KnifeWretch: Which is the Myrrah that saved me

Nobody's coming to save you from yourself, Lucas. You're just going to have to deal with this nonsense on your own.

KnifeWretch: If I deserved the Myrrah that saved me then he definitely does

I had most of this chapter already written before I finished the previous one, and let me tell you it was a relief to be able to just zoom through this because hoo boy this one's pretty heavy

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