Girl In Your Dreams

Meditative Exercise

by Cherry

Tags: #cw:depression #cw:gender_dysphoria #D/s #dom:female #hypnosis #transgender_characters #urban_fantasy #but_a_weird_sorta_furry #dom:nb #furry #like_mostly_how_real_life_furries_are #sub:female #sub:male #trans_egg

HypnospacePsychonaut: Okay let's say

HypnospacePsychonaut: hypothetically

HypnospacePsychonaut: that I had changed my mind about something

HypnospacePsychonaut: something which i had previously been very insistent about

HypnospacePsychonaut: (to the point of getting kinda pressed about it with y'all)

HypnospacePsychonaut: and I wanted to avoid hearing "lmao told you so" an infinite number of times

KnifeWretch: I'm sorry have you met us

ZeroBird: Have to say the prognosis is unlikely

ktspace87: ehhhhh no can do boss

Jesstrogen: things that aren't happening: 1. that

Ophidian_Solace: "Unethical and Shocking: she was forced to endure the consequences of the actions that she took."

HypnospacePsychonaut: I stg you are all insufferable

Close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose. Hold the breath for the count of 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.

Purse your lips and exhale through your mouth.

HypnospacePsychonaut: So

HypnospacePsychonaut: I had not planned to mix these two aspects of my life very much

HypnospacePsychonaut: because I didn't really see a need to

HypnospacePsychonaut: but plans make fools of us all

KnifeWretch: Damn it is so painfully transparent when you're stalling for time

HypnospacePsychonaut: But I've talked about you guys a bunch to Lucas

HypnospacePsychonaut: And he seems interested in meeting other dreamwalkers

HypnospacePsychonaut: So who would like to meet Lucas

Jesstrogen: lmao told you so

ktspace87: lmao told you so

ZeroBird: lmao told you so

Ophidian_Solace: "lmao told you so"

HypnospacePsychonaut: Val? Wanna complete the set?

KnifeWretch: Nah you can just assume mine was implied

Breathe in through your nose. Hold the breath for the count of 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.

Purse your lips and exhale through your mouth.

Let your breathing fall into this rhythm. In through your nose, holding for the count of 5, out through your pursed lips.

Jesstrogen: so when are we holding the polycule induction ceremony?

HypnospacePsychonaut: I must stress, once again, we are not expanding the cule

HypnospacePsychonaut: dealing with five of you is tough enough

HypnospacePsychonaut: I simply think it would be good for Lucas to meet you

ktspace87: okay but why specifically us though

ktspace87: youve taught people outside the cule to dreamwalk and lucid dream and we didnt meet them

HypnospacePsychonaut: Yes but he has context for you guys because I've talked about you

ktspace87: are you worried that well get jealous

ktspace87: like its okay for you to have people outside the cule

ktspace87: you know im fuckin like six people none of you have ever met and im dating two of them right

Jesstrogen: wait only two?

ktspace87: yeah gabby and me are no longer a thing cuz i said marx offered no solutions for lgbtq liberation

ktspace87: and she called me a petty burgewaz neolib counter revolutionary sabotur or someth

ktspace87: like i guess i could kinda see me and her maybe werent gonna vibe long-term

ktspace87: i just wish i hadnt said it before shed finished suckin me

I'm going to ask you to picture something in your mind now. Continuing your breathing, picture them one at a time.

In through your nose, and hold. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through your mouth.

I want you to imagine a boat, floating on a perfectly calm, blue sea under a clear blue sky. The boat can look however you want it to look. It can be big like a cruise liner, or small like a canoe. It can be old like a sailing ship, or new like a yacht. It can even be an odd shape like a catamaran, if that's what you find easiest to picture.

The ocean is perfectly calm. There are no clouds in the sky, and no wind to disturb the surface of the water. The water is so still and calm that you can see a perfect reflection of the boat in the water, like it was floating on a mirror.

Continue your breathing. In through your nose, and hold. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through your mouth.

Now, I want you to gently tilt the boat, so that it leans to one side in a smooth motion that does not disturb the water. You might not be able to move the boat without disturbing the water on the first try, and that's okay. I'm going to give you a minute to practice tilting the boat without disturbing the water.

In through your nose, and hold. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through your mouth.

Now, I want you to shift your perspective until you're floating high above the boat, looking down on it as it floats serenely on the mirror-smooth sea. You should be able to see the whole boat from above.

Very gently, turn the boat so that it spins clockwise. It will disturb the water, but that's alright this time. Watch the perfect spiral of the wave expand as it passes outwards across the mirror-smooth sea.

HypnospacePsychonaut: I am not dating or fucking Lucas

HypnospacePsychonaut: And I don't see that changing

HypnospacePsychonaut: we never even met in person

HypnospacePsychonaut: I told y'all I just met him while free-associating

HypnospacePsychonaut: he had some shit going on

HypnospacePsychonaut: and I felt like giving him some pointers on lucid dreaming would help with it

KnifeWretch: Okay but you were out cold an entire day

KnifeWretch: Which I'm not gonna lie was one of THE scariest moments of my life

KnifeWretch: And it's been three weeks and we just have not talked about it

KnifeWretch: If you're keeping stuff in confidence for someone that's your call

KnifeWretch: But forgive me for getting tough here

KnifeWretch: We have a right to know why you were COMATOSE

KnifeWretch: And why immediately afterwards you're spending a ton of time with this dude

Now we're going to imagine something just a little more concerning, so I want you to keep breathing. In through your nose, and hold. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through your mouth.

Moving your view of the boat back down to the side, I want you to imagine the sky full of clouds, and the ocean choppy, grey and full of waves. The boat will be tossed on the waves, riding each one up and down. There might be white foam and spray as the waves fall back down to the surface of the ocean. This might be a little bit scary, but just keep breathing. In through your nose, and hold. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through your mouth.

Keep your boat upright, always riding the sea up and down no matter how tall the crests of its waves are. This might take a little practice, but you're safe here. In through your nose, and hold. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through your mouth.

ktspace87: yeah vals right

Jesstrogen: we were freaking out, val didn't know whether to call an ambulance

ZeroBird: thirded

Ophidian_Solace: Fourthed. It was pretty awful.

You are the boat, and the ocean is your surroundings.

HypnospacePsychonaut: Okay fine

HypnospacePsychonaut: Don't make me regret this

HypnospacePsychonaut: I free-associated into his dreams, which without going into detail were Not Happy Dreams

HypnospacePsychonaut: Accidentally woke him up

HypnospacePsychonaut: But I didn't fall into The Void like usual

HypnospacePsychonaut: Instead I got stuck in his waking consciousness

KnifeWretch: What the fuck

HypnospacePsychonaut: THAT'S why you couldn't wake me up, because there was no consciousness available to inhabit my body

HypnospacePsychonaut: It was trapped in his, and I couldn't leave

When you are calm, it is because the sea is calm beneath your boat and there are no clouds in the sky.

HypnospacePsychonaut: I tried to persuade him go to sleep, but I was freaking out and just made the situation worse

HypnospacePsychonaut: He thought I was an intrusive thought trying to make him have bad dreams again, and froze me out of his consciousness

HypnospacePsychonaut: Then mainlined energy drinks and coffee the whole day to try and stay awake

HypnospacePsychonaut: I only managed to talk to him on better terms after he got hella tired

HypnospacePsychonaut: Which was nighttime in England

When you are tense, when you are stressed, it is because the sea is choppy and the sky has filled with stormclouds.

Jesstrogen: wait so you got trapped in this dude's mind and you KEEP GOING BACK

Jesstrogen: myrrah what the fuck

HypnospacePsychonaut: It wasn't his fault

Jesstrogen: gfdi myrrah i don't care whose FAULT it is, i want to know WHY

Jesstrogen: and like how do you know? how do you know it wasn't his fault? what if he did it on purpose

HypnospacePsychonaut: Bruh he's a rando dude from London he's not some kind of evil mastermind brain kidnapper

Ophidian_Solace: Excuse me, but just for the sake of argument, how would you know that? There's still an infinite number of things we don't know about dreamwalking.

Ophidian_Solace: You can't be the only one who's ever had this ability, and if you can teach others to do it, then who says other people haven't learnt?

Ophidian_Solace: We have no idea what sort of things are possible, or who's out there with what sort of capabilities.

Ophidian_Solace: It feels like you're taking an absolutely huge risk associating with this guy.

HypnospacePsychonaut: He's not like that.

KnifeWretch: How would you know?

HypnospacePsychonaut: BECAUSE I LIVED THROUGH HIS WORST MEMORIES

It's very important to keep breathing. In through your nose, and hold. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Out through your mouth.

HypnospacePsychonaut: After he froze me out I couldn't see what he was doing in the real world anymore

HypnospacePsychonaut: He cut me off from his sensorium

HypnospacePsychonaut: And I was trapped watching what he was obsessing over

HypnospacePsychonaut: I spent nearly fifteen hours watching this poor boy's life

HypnospacePsychonaut: All the worst bits, because that's what he was fixated on

HypnospacePsychonaut: I felt like an intruder, watching all his lowest moments without his knowledge

HypnospacePsychonaut: I feel like I violated him

HypnospacePsychonaut: I was a party to his misery he never had a chance to consent to

HypnospacePsychonaut: I haven't had the courage to tell him, because I'm worried he'll hate me

HypnospacePsychonaut: And I won't have the chance to make his life better than it is

Unlike in the image we've created in our minds, we can't control the waves on the sea or the stormclouds in the sky.

ZeroBird: Shit, Myrrah

ktspace87: holy fuck

Jesstrogen: christ that's... a lot

HypnospacePsychonaut: He's not evil, he's not plotting something, he's just HURT!

HypnospacePsychonaut: And gods, fuck, I wish I didn't know that for sure!

HypnospacePsychonaut: I don't DESERVE to know that for sure!

HypnospacePsychonaut: Because the way I know it is so... WRONG!

But in just the same way that you can keep your boat upright no matter how tall the waves get, you can control how you react to your surroundings.

HypnospacePsychonaut: I should not have held out on you about this

HypnospacePsychonaut: That's my bad, you all deserved to know what happened to me and why

HypnospacePsychonaut: My duties to you should come before anything else

HypnospacePsychonaut: I just didn't want you to hate him for what happened

HypnospacePsychonaut: Or for his confidence to be violated more than it already has

HypnospacePsychonaut: But that's not an excuse

HypnospacePsychonaut: I shouldn't have kept that from you, and I am truly sorry

Jesstrogen: i forgive you

ktspace87: cant say in a similar situation i wouldnt have done something similar tbh

Ophidian_Solace: Apology accepted. I know you'll do better next time.

KnifeWretch: I just

KnifeWretch: Babe

KnifeWretch: Fuck

KnifeWretch: You just don't give up on people, do you

Whenever you feel stressed by the things that are happening around you, whenever you feel tense or uncertain, I want you to remember this phrase.

HypnospacePsychonaut: Maybe you guys are right, maybe it's a bad idea to introduce him to y'all

Ophidian_Solace: Excuse me, but I don't think any of us ever actually said that.

Ophidian_Solace: In fact I think it might be more important than ever that we DO meet him.

HypnospacePsychonaut: I don't want you to pre-judge him! Or make him feel like we know more about him than he thinks

HypnospacePsychonaut: Or for him to feel ganged-up on

HypnospacePsychonaut: He deserves better than to be inspected like some insect under glass

KnifeWretch: Oooh new scene idea

HypnospacePsychonaut: VAL

KnifeWretch: Shutting up now

"I am the captain of my ship." Take a breath, in through your nose, hold for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and say it out loud.

"I am the captain of my ship," Myrrah declared, trying to project a confidence she didn't feel.

You can't control the waves, but you can keep your ship upright in your mind.

"I am the captain of my ship." Take another breath, in through your nose, hold for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and say it out loud.

"I am the captain of my ship," Myrrah repeated, a sharp tang of irritation creeping in.

"I am the captain of my ship." Take another breath, in through your nose, hold for-

"Fuck's sake," Myrrah growled, tearing off her headphones. She crawled over to the other side of the bed and grabbed her laptop. She pulled up Lucas' profile on Telemet, and began typing a message.

ktspace87: you have to tell him

HypnospacePsychonaut: I don't know how he'd take it

ktspace87: look you once told me i couldnt just do nice things to make up for something bad

ktspace87: i had to take responsibility for what i actually did

HypnospacePsychonaut: He was so fragile when I found him, I'm worried I'd send him spiralling again

HypnospacePsychonaut: And don't dare tell me that wouldn't be on me

Ophidian_Solace: If it had been me, I'd want to know.

Ophidian_Solace: If you didn't have a right to see what you saw because it was a violation of his personal sovereignty, you definitely don't have a right to keep the knowledge that it happened from him.

Ophidian_Solace: One of the truly fucked up things about the society we live in is that bad things can just happen, and there's no meaningful accountability or responsibility to let people know what actual damage was done.

Ophidian_Solace: Because the gobshites with the power are too proud and cowardly to admit they could ever make mistakes or cause harm, even unintentionally and by accident.

Ophidian_Solace: We have to be better.

HypnospacePsychonaut: ... you're right

Ophidian_Solace: Message him right now. He should still be awake, right?

HypnospacePsychonaut: Yeah but I think I need some time to prepare first

HypnospacePsychonaut: so that about sums it up

HypnospacePsychonaut: i cannot possibly apologise to you in a way that feels meaningful and genuine enough

HypnospacePsychonaut: but nonetheless i am truly sorry

HypnospacePsychonaut: when i said i had no right to see what i saw, i meant it in a deeper way than i made clear at the time

HypnospacePsychonaut: i can understand if you don't want me to have any more contact with you

HypnospacePsychonaut: but no matter what i promise that i will never speak of what i saw to anyone

AlternianDidact: No please, please don't go.

AlternianDidact: God, I'm so sorry. You must hate me so much.

HypnospacePsychonaut: ... i'm sorry what

They say "write what you know," so Myrrah has just about as much patience for mindfulness exercises as I do.

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