How did it all even begin?
Before I knew it, I’d been dragged into whatever spiraling descent I found myself in now, but how had it started in the first place?
Michelle… I think she brought home some edibles, once. Suspicious ones too, she said she’d gotten them from someone we BOTH knew was sketchy at best. But what was the harm in trying? she had asked, a curious glint in her eyes and giggles bubbling out of her. At worst, nothing happened, and at best…
God, that first night was amazing. All of my stress had just melted away. I was in the middle of three different projects and for one evening, I couldn’t tell you anything about them. I still remember the pure bliss of relaxation that night.
And then, again, to celebrate all of those projects ending around the same time. There’d been a dinner event for work, and instead of just passing out when we got back to the hotel room, she pulled out a baggie of ‘desserts’, she called them. I already knew what they were, but didn’t care enough to stop her from feeding me. We’d gone to bed after that, but sure as hell didn’t sleep.
It was the best sex I’d ever had.
After that, it became a semi-regular occurrence. Why make something so good only for big celebrations? Wasn’t life itself a celebration? Michelle was so good at convincing me, and a part of me wanted to be convinced. We’d take them, and we’d get high, and we’d fuck, and we’d go back to regular life for a little while until our next little mental vacation.
I didn’t know how she had such an appetite for it. Every time I took them it’d be amazing, sure, but I’d always feel so groggy afterwards, even during it sometimes. Being a certain level of helpless always made me nervous, but she’d never get it as bad as I did for some reason. It’d always wind up falling on her to help me to bed, to talk and whisper to me gently as I dozed off in her arms, not quite asleep but not quite awake, my mind reeling from the dizziness and her words floating around in my head the only thing centering me to reality.
I think…we got into a fight. We fought, as any couple did. The last few fights she’d murmur sweet apologies into my ear and start slipping her hands under my clothes, and I’d be too exhausted from the mental energy of arguing that I never stopped her. Not when she said it was her way of apologizing.
“You have to use your words to communicate - if you don’t, how will I know where you are?”
“...Huh…?” I blinked, my surroundings entirely too bright and too dark at the same time.
“Where did you go, just now?” I felt my nipples stiffen as gentle fingers ran along my sides, cupping my breasts softly from behind as she whispered into my ear.
“But, where am I now?” I brought a hand up to my head and shut my eyes tightly in thought. Last thing I remembered, we were… flirting? No, arguing? Why were we arguing again?
“Oh my god,” Michelle laughed, her voice now a normal volume. “You can’t even recognize your own room? Maybe you took too much.”
I pouted. “We both took the same, right… Wait, I thought…” The memories were frustratingly out of reach. “Were we…yelling, I think?”
“That was like, hours ago,” she muttered softly. “We’ve been having fun since! Don’t you remember?”
I shrugged her embrace off slowly and tried to turn to face her, only for a wave of dizziness to pull my head backwards, back into her arms.
“I want to stop now…” I slurred. I cringed inwardly at how ridiculous I sounded.
“Baby…” Michelle sounded hurt, which sank my stomach. “I don’t mind, but you like, just told me you wanted this, and I thought…”
“Sorry, I…did I?” I gasped as her fingers found their way back towards my nipples. “I don’t– ah!– remember, but-”
“I know how you get when you’re like this, let’s just try a little longer, okay? You trust me, right?”
I did. I nodded.
“You love me right? You know I care about you? You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you?”
I nodded, my head feeling heavier with each second passing by. A fog of confusion started to blot out my thoughts before I could think, and it was all I could do to hang onto Michelle’s words as she was saying them. Where would I have been without her, I wonder.
“You can trust me to take care of this.”
“And since you’re not doing a good job of communicating, I’ll do it for you, okay?”
Something about that felt off, but I couldn’t tell why.
“You want this. Repeat after me - you want this.”
“I, I want this.” I whispered.
“I want this.” I think.
“Look at you, using your words.” She kissed me on the cheek, my favorite, and brought her fingers to the corners of my mouth.
“If you don’t smile, how will I know you’re enjoying it?”
So I did. Strangely, the act of smiling made me feel warmer, happier.
“Good girl,” she cooed into my ear. “and goodbye.”
“Goooodbye,” she sang as her fingers covered my eyes.
As my consciousness began to fade, all that remained were Michelle’s whispered affirmations, her praises, telling me how much she loved me, how much I loved her, how of course I knew that I could trust her. I felt those words echo and etch themselves into my soul. Of course she knew best. I trusted her. I trusted her. I trusted her so much I couldn’t trust myself. And that was okay because she could do all the communicating for me from now on. She could agree for me. She could do anything to me right now, and I’d cum because it meant she was doing what was best for me. I’d cum because she told me I was supposed to. I’d cum because all I was ever made to do was listen to her and cum. I’d cum because-
“Because…” my voice faltered. “I don’t…I don’t know.” I didn’t. What had I even just been saying? Even the lack of knowledge in me faded into nothing, and I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
“Baby, are you trying to think on your own?” She laughed.
“I…” Don’t know.
“Of course you don’t,” she hummed as if reading my mind. “I’m doing the communication for you, remember?”
The fogginess in my head no longer felt chemical or artificial. Before, I had been completely unable to form any thoughts or memories because of the drug, and now-
“Yes, yes,” it was her voice now, yes, the one that clouded my brain.
“Good girl! A reward.” Her hand wrapped around my nose and mouth, a bitter sour taste blossoming in my mouth. I swallowed it obediently but still found myself running out of air.
“Mmmph…” I protested wordlessly, my hands half-heartedly on hers trying to move them away.
“What, do you think you get to breathe just for taking drugs? That’s literally all you’ve been doing. Do you think that’s an accomplishment?”
My head started spinning, feeling faint until my scalp started burning, and I felt the disembodied sensation of my neck being jerked upwards towards her.
She whispered, her breath hot in my ear.
“That’s all you’re fucking good for.”
She released my hair as I gasped for breath and I sprawled back onto the bed, my sense of balance lost once more.
I felt her jump on top of me as the mattress sunk and her fingers clawed their way into my throat, digging in until I gagged and she relented. The taste was even more bitter than before.
“Too, too… too much…” I managed to slur, my fingers rubbing my tender neck.
“Too much?” I nodded, hoping she’d understand that I needed a break.
“Who says it’s too much? You?” She laughed derisively. “You can’t even speak straight. You think you know what’s good for you?” She gripped my chin and shook my head.
“No,” I murmured.
“That’s right! Good girl!” She started nodding my head emphatically. “Do you know who does?”
I struggled to remember anything, never mind an answer to a question from what already felt like hours ago. “Um…”
“That’s right!” She started caressing my pussy through the drenched fabric of my panties, which had long betrayed my sense of self. “Me! You know me, right? You LOVE me.”
“I love you…” My body sank into the bed as my eyes rolled back and my arms fell to the side, useless to do anything but lie helplessly in a sea of sensations, in a sea of emotions that made me feel happy and sad and still and overwhelmed, all at the same time all at once, all inside my empty, empty head–
“Why are you crying?” Michelle asked, softly. Because she loved me. Right?
I blinked. Was I crying? My tears dried faster than my mouth, lip still softly quivering for an unknown reason, already forgotten. “I don’t know.”
“It wasn’t this, was it?” “Was…it…?”
She shook my head gently. “No, no…not this.”
“You like this, right?” It feels good, doesn’t it?” My head lolled in her hands as she nodded it for me.
“You love me,” she repeated, each time echoed by my own distant voice. We said it for what felt like forever. I said it for what must have been forever.
I must have always loved her like this, since forever ago.
Her voice faded back into my reality. “...It’s important that we remember this okay? Because you don’t remember a lot when you’re like this,” she whined in a fake pout. “So as a shortcut, whenever I’m touching your pussy like this,” she mused as she fondled me underneath the fabric, “it’ll just remind you of me and how much you love and trust me. Okay?”
I gasped for air, every guttural groan of mine short circuiting my brain.
The sensations stopped. “I said,” her forearm pressed against my throat as her other hand came down against my cheek. “Okay?”
I yelped in pain against the sting of my face. “Okay, okay, okay, yes yes yes!!” I begged. “Okay, yes, love, trust…” My thoughts began to jumble and fall apart once more, my vision blurring with tears.
“God, you’re so fucking useless right now, you know that? Can’t respond to anything.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I stuttered absent-mindedly. My eyes widened and my vision went white as I felt her fingers inside me. “I love you!” I panted, almost entirely against my will.
“GOOD girl!” She sounded excited as her fingers began thrusting faster and faster. “What else?”
“Else…? I, I…” My eyes felt glued to the back of my skull as my body twitched and jerked to her motions like a puppet. “Nothing else…”
“Mm, nothing else? There’s nothing there? You’re just… gone?”
I gasped for breath. While her words were seductive and slow, her movements were only growing faster and more frantic, thrusting deeper inside of me. “I, nothing, I’m nothing, I love you I love YOU I LOVE-“ and my voice was taken away from me as she brushed against me inside.
“Oh? Did I find your off button?”
I stared at the ceiling, blind to everything. My vision wouldn’t focus, didn’t want to focus, and the faint sound of me panting through an open mouth was the only indication I had that I was alive.
“You’ve gotten so quiet… Was that the spot?”
I gasped for air again, my eyes blinking rapidly and trying to adjust. “What’s—“
I coughed, my throat parched, my eyes struggling to focus. “Where—“
Full. I felt so full. I looked down, only to see her smile—
“…why I told you you’d like this,” I heard words as my hearing faded back in.
“Hhh…” I could barely muster the words. “Huhh?”
“Oh, you’re so fucking gone.” She tilted my chin up to face her. “That’s great. Makes this so fun.”
“This feels good, doesn’t it?”
I focused on my physical sensations and felt a buzz echoing throughout my body, so, so full that—
Again, my hearing was the first to return. I heard deep, guttural grunts. Was it me? Were they mine?
“It feels gooood, doesn’t it?”
A high whine escaped my throat as my body, suddenly alight and burning with pleasure thrashed underneath her body.
“Use your words baby-“
“Love you! I love you!! I trust, love, trust you, love you love you…” The words continued to spill out of my mouth without any will or rationale.
“I know you do. It feels so good, you like this, right?”
“Love you, love this,” the empty husk of a girl muttered, only the whites of her eyes to indicate any human had ever resided there.
“So yes, we’ve agreed that I know what’s best for you.”
“Best, trust,” the voicebox croaked.
“Thank me for this.”
“Thank you, thaannnkkhhu…”
“Thank me for raping you.” She thrust deeper than before, her knuckles disappearing into the puppet’s hole.
Its eyes grew wide, unseeing as the light from its eyes faded, a vapid, empty smile being puppeted on its face.
“…Thank you for raping me…” The monotone voice whispered. “I love…y…”
And then it came, desperately clenching around her hand, the pleasure drowning its consciousness in darkness, and the world ground to a halt.