hi hi, ms. speaker, mx. vice president, members of congress, my fellow americans. it’s president chyme 💕!

i stepped into the role of president just under a year ago. now, having had the privilege of serving this great country’s highest office, i’m super-duper excited to announce that the state of the uwunion is strong.

when i took office last january, i promised nationalized healthcare (including gender-affirming surgery), investment in renewable energy and public transportation, and ✨making anime real✨. and since then, we’ve made great strides.

our nationwide medical transition to medicare for all has provided five million people health insurance this year who couldn’t afford it last year. hardworking people like you and me, deprived of the insurance benefits that i believe are the right of everyone in this great [already used “great,” find a different word] nation. a right that’s unalienable: the right to life-saving medicine, the liberty to [note to self: come up with something clever here], and the pursuit of happiness with one’s own body. [isn’t that three rights? make the numbers consistent]

a few weeks ago, i was speaking at boston college, and i spoke to a young man named sayid. he told me he was laid off from his job at ceilingmart [don’t name the company, we don’t need to make any more corporate enemies], the job he pursued specifically for its insurance benefits. two years ago, his HRT treatment would’ve been lost along with that job. but not anymore.

now, i know what some of my critics have said. they’ve decried by focus on public vaccination. they’ve spread rumors that we’re putting sex-altering hormones into the vaccines. and let me be clear: we’re working on making that option available for those who want it. but the technology isn’t there yet. [cut this part, it’s just going to cause more fearmongering]

meanwhile, our investment in renewable energy has been a roaring rawring success. our economy has become stronger as new jobs are created in the construction and maintenance of wind turbines. millions of homeowners have taken advantage of our tax incentives for installing solar panels. and negotiations with our fishfolk neighbors [make sure a fishfolk is in the audience for the camera to cut to] have proceeded swimmingly [ha!] as we determine optimal locations for new hydroelectric dams.

our roads have never been clearer. when i was in boston a few weeks ago, it was so quiet downtown! i crossed the crosswalks without fear and watched fleets of bicycles fly down the streets. i talked to one woman, kathy, on her pink hewwo doggie racing bike; she told me that every single person in her office had bought a bicycle in response to congestion pricing. and it’s not just boston – fifteen other metropolitan areas from sea to shining sea have reduced traffic and made downtowns safe for pedestrians. buses no longer get caught in traffic jams. meanwhile, cities like seattle have moved their light rail timelines forward, with connections originally planned for 2041 now on track to finish by 2035.

but i know you’ve all been wanting to know: is anime real? and my fellow americans… it is.

city buses from LA to NYC have been repainted to look like the catbus from my roommate potato. the first time i saw one, i was grinning ear to ear just like the catbus itself.

in silicon valley, early trials in nanotechnology indicate that lokéballs are well on their way, which will facilitate pet care. trips to the vet will be easier. trips to the dog park will be done by bus, and you won’t even have to smell a bus full of wet dogs on the way back. [try this on some test audiences first to see if the joke lands]

but there’s one thing i’m more excited about showing you than anything else. mx. vice president, if you’ll please pull aside the curtain…

you may recognize the vehicle behind me. in the past, it’s been known as air force one. but when i press this button on my watch…

that’s right: courtesy of our strong political, economic, and social ties with japan, i am proud to announce that air force one is now ✨AF-1✨, a fully functional transforming giant robot.

anime is real. ✨AF-1✨ is real, he’s strong, and he’s my friend.

thank you, and goddess bless america.