The world is always over, so I’m spending my time remembering when I was in heaven. It’s such a blurry memory, but it’s clear to me how enraptured I was in everything. There was bliss everywhere and no real aim or purpose to my actions. Everything I did was embarrassing and didn’t make much sense, but I guess that’s spirituality for you. It ended with a bright white light, and then I was back in my bed. I felt super groggy for a week afterwards and I couldn’t make much sense of where I was or where I had been,
until. . .
I remember, I remember. . .
I was in a forest with no intent to figure out how I got there. The sky bled while setting, and all the leaves had a faint glow and iridescence around them. I followed birds around, I looked under rocks, I peeked around trees. Every touch with the world felt romantic. I was in love with this forest and wished I’d never find my way out of it. A leaf fell from a tree into my hands—a gift. I held it close to my heart and said,
“I love you.”
She had an ad posted up online. It was a banner ad that stretched across the top of a forum website I frequently visited. For some reason, I had my ad blocker disabled that day, and I was feeling somewhat lost. The ad promised a cheap spiritual experience—visions and astral projections. I clicked on it without much care for scammers and malware, and it brought me to her page. It was styled like websites in the early days of the internet—random gifs and elaborate fonts and simple black text over an overly busy background pattern. She was in my area, and sessions were only twenty bucks, so I scheduled one.
I hadn’t been scammed yet. She hosted sessions in her house, and I found myself parked in her driveway somewhere in the suburbs. She had a well-kept garden that nearly stretched to the street. I stopped in front of it before I went to knock on the door. There were ornamental grasses that shimmered and blew in the wind. I hesitated before I finally held my breath and knocked on the door. It felt stupid, but I felt it could almost be real.
I remember, I remember. . .
I was on a mountain with the wind in my hair. I was lying on the ground looking at the stars. I thought that I could feel every star’s warmth on my skin. I took my finger and touched each and every one of them. I looked down at my freckles and thought of the similarities. I traced constellations on my freckles. With every connecting line I felt a surge of energy rush up my spine. I felt that I could make myself happy. I looked at the sky and back to my skin—tracing and tracing.
After I felt satisfied with my tracings, I got up and started walking around—the smile from the stars and my freckles still on my face. I started to run as far up the mountain as I could. I was running with trees skirting past me. The mountain at that elevation only had sparse vegetation, so while running towards the peak I could see the stars in the sky behind it. In truth, that was my goal, and I would’ve been running towards it no matter the direction. Everywhere I looked, the sky was in the background.
A tall woman with black hair that went down to her hips opened the door. She smiled and asked for my name. I answered and she let me in—I had already paid for the session beforehand.
“Was it easy to find my place sweetie?”
“Yea, GPS systems are a godsend.”
“Yes, a godsend. Why don’t you lay on this bed while I get you some water, hm?”
Her bedroom was painted a warm white, and her bed sheets were dark black and soft. The room was faintly lit by the sun through a tall window, and the walls were covered with paintings and various décor. A few hanging house plants kept me company.
She came back with two cans of sparkling water and handed one to me and sat the other on a stand next to the bed. She watched intently as I opened it and took a sip.
“I love your necklace, it fits your style perfectly, cute and put together.”
“Thank you, maybe not cute but definitely put together.”
“What do you mean? You look so cute and tasty.”
With acquiescence, I accepted the compliment.
“So, what are you looking for today?”
I didn’t really know. Truly, I had absolutely no reason to be here. Truly, I had no intention of finding myself or higher powers or anything. It was just a cheap experience to lull the boredom away.
“I don’t know, just something intense maybe. Something that’ll rebirth me, reconstruct me, impact me. I don’t know. Just do your best.”
That should do.
“Okay, lie your head down and close your eyes then.”
With my eyes closed, I felt her finger trace up my stomach all the way to my forehead. I pulled my stomach in and turned my face away. She continued to trace her finger back down my neck and into my hand. I opened my eyes and sat back up.
“Can we do this without you touching me?”
“No, it’s essential to the experience.”
I decided to say nothing.
“Just trust me and lie back down sweetie.”
I remember, I remember. . .
There was—for the first time—a feeling of doubt. The sun was rising, and I tried grabbing anything around me to stop myself. I didn’t want the sun to rise just yet—I wanted to go back to looking at the stars. I didn’t know what the sun was capable of, and it scared me. I imagined fire and blindness. I grasped and I grasped and.
I was falling off it. I was surrounded by sights of mountains, and the ground was avoiding me. I was falling and falling into something else, but my face was pointed to the sky so I couldn’t see what. I reached upwards for the sky, and its crystals were shining with violets and deep reds that warmed my skin. I felt as if my individual cells were furrowing roots into my skin and just about to sprout. Through the sky’s crystals, I looked at the sun and I didn’t go blind—it made me feel welcome, and nourished, and ready, and I was still falling. I closed my eyes and gave a sigh of relief.
It didn’t take too long again until I pulled away from her again. This time she ran her hand under my back, around my arm and shoulder, and stopped on my left breast. I opened my eyes and pushed her hand away lightly.
“Trust me. You’ll be somewhere else soon.”
“No, I don’t want this.”
“You paid for it. Just trust me, you'll be stripped down and reconstructed like you asked.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
She sighed and sat back up, brought a finger up to her lip, and thought for a second.
“This is a first. I'll just skip straight to my little toy then,” she giggled.
“I don’t want a toy.”
“You will sweetie, you will.”
She got up and started looking through a drawer on her desk.
“Pretty soon you’ll be drooling for me sweetie. You’ll be begging to touch yourself and will completely forget your little spiritual troubles. I’ll send your pathetic little brain everywhere, and you’ll think you’ve found God.”
“I’m not that easy.”
“Well, whatever higher powers exist won’t care.”
As I turned towards the door, she slipped a crystal necklace over me, and she snapped her fingers. The walls started to glow, and the world started to spin. I was falling, falling, until I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I was looking at her.
Her eyes glowed and there was a daisy in her hair. Every breath she took smelled like fresh flowers and sent euphoria straight into my chest. My hands started shaking because the world and everything else was buzzing. I felt something wet fall out of my mouth, and it sent pleasure all the way down as it slipped past my chest.
“So, are you ready to get started now?”
She flipped me over onto my chest and laid on top of me—bit my ear as she laced her fingers into mine. Her weight pushed me into the bed, and I squirmed between the sheets and her skin. I felt her right hand leave mine and push in between my stomach and the bed, and then down into me—I held my breath.
“I want you to drool everything,” she said as she started to rub me—with her weight pressing my flower into her fingers.
So, I did. Every movement from her sent pleasure up my spine and pooled spit in my mouth. I made sure not to swallow, and I let it roll off my lips and into her other hand. She let me drool myself silly and all over that hand until it was fully coated. Then she ran it over my cheeks and slipped it up and into my hair. It was bliss and I wanted more to coat me. She stopped rubbing me with the other hand, but left it under me. I started grinding even though my bliss had already coated that hand too.
I remember, I remember. . .
There was a pool of water maybe. I remember contorting in the sand, so maybe it was the beach. I remember a dark sky and lights in the distance. The sand looked smooth because of how when it’s dark, your vision starts to blur but you never really notice it. It was definitely the beach—I remember how the waves felt against my face. They wet my hair and everything below.
I remember going to drink the sea water occasionally and then returning to my sandy contortions. I returned to the same spot in the sand, so it slowly accumulated more and more sea water. Every trip I made to the ocean, I was soaked repeatedly as the waves splashed into my face, and I deposited myself on the sand. It was slippery, but gritty, and I flung myself around in it until I came.
“You won’t remember any of this,” she giggled.
She snapped her fingers, and a bright white light engulfed me.