Narrator: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Juniper Gladiolus (She/Her/Your Gladiolus). The cases are real! The florets are cute! The rulings are subject to any further evidence that may come to light at a later date, as any fair courtroom should be! This, is Judge Juni!
Today we have a pet so utterly adorably entranced with plushies that they have made their hab a veritable mountain of soft! Their owner is struggling to stay on top of things and understandably reluctant to even think of asking to remove any of the beloved soft toys but doesn’t know what to do! Perhaps a solution can be found today on Juuuuuudge Juni!
Judge Juni: Alright, who do we have here today then?
Asplenium Buxus: Asplenium Buxus, 3rd bloom, She/her
Avis Buxus: Avis Buxus, First Floret, They/Them
A very small terran who has little soft feathery wings all over them and a big set at the back is nested in their affini’s vines with a rather large amount of plushies surrounding them.
Judge Juni: Absolutely lovely, and I understand a little bird is having trouble with their nest?
Avis Buxus: I have lots and lots of plushie friends! And Mistress is very kind in letting me have so many. But she almost tripped over a pile of them the other day and I’m worried that she’ll hurt herself.
Asplenium Buxus: I was fine petal, it’s you I’m concerned for. You could so easily hurt yourself unless we figure something out. You are so very small after all~
Judge Juni: We have lots of sophonts who enjoy a big pile of little cuddle friends but usually they’re able to be kept together in specific spots when they’re not being actively cuddled in order to avoid this issue. So, how did it become this much of a problem?
Asplenium Buxus: Well, Avis never got to have plushies once they reached ten. Their mother threw them all away...
Sad violin music starts, a mixture of outrage and utter sorrow flows through the courtroom
Asplenium Buxus: Even when they saved up and bought a plushie themselves she still used to scold them and try to get rid of them.
Avis Buxus: Sad squeak
Stephy Gladiolus: Extremely Indignant noises, immediately dives into the courtroom plushie box
Narrator: Oh, such a sad tale! A life without soft friends to cuddle, never again shall such a thing occur now the compact is here. This narrator assures you all of this fact, and would also like to add that any discarded plushies found by the compact, that being all of them – Yes Every Single Plushie!, will be thoroughly investigated and returned to their owners when they are found and patched up with the best plushie technology the compact has to offer.
Asplenium Buxus: Oh my little flower, it’s alright, we made sure she got domesticated and will never be able to throw them away ever again, remember?
Avis Buxus: Still sad but more reassured squeak
Judge Juni: I have heard many sad tales and pleas to end a sophont’s plight in this courtroom but this is the saddest, most wiltingly awful tale I have ever heard. Stephy my little buttercup, we must rectify this immediately and with all due haste!
Asplenium Buxus: Well we have gone and purchased many, many plushies since then, that’s kind of led to the problem though…
Stephy pops up out of the box
Judge Juni: By the power invested in me by this courtroom, the compact and decency towards adorable cuties itself! I am proud to present Avis Buxus, first floret with this official Plushie Of The Courtroom so that this gross oversight, this miscarriage of justice, this veritable crime against the mission of the compact itself, may be rectified immediately!! Stephy my darling assistant, go forth and do your duty!
Narrator: Stephy Gladiolus, Twelfth Floret, She/Ze: Non-Judgemental Judging Assistant, Plushie Distributor, Phonecall Maker Extraordinaire, and firm friend to office beeples proudly walks forward and presents Avis with a rainbow bird plushie made from the finest of snuggle fabrics designed to simulate being hugged in return. Such a high honour indeed and well deserved by such a sweet, wonderful little cutie as the one sat in the courtroom here today!
The courtroom breaks out into cheers, the happy squishing of florets and several happy tears. Another instance of “Oh, my core, so cute, I can’t take it!” has Judge Juni giving a stern look to the offending overdramatic affini who pretends not to see.
Judge Juni: Well done Stephy my darling, justice has been served for this most heinous of crimes!
Asplenium Buxus: I don’t disagree but unfortunately it does make our current issue a little more difficult to deal with
Avis Buxus: Extremely adorable happy squeaking noises as they are dramatically presented the plushie, cuddling it tightly to their chest before also pulling Stephy in for a thank you hug, leading to even more awwing and cooing from the affini in the audience.
Asplenium Buxus: Oh roots, you little sweetpea, my tiny little cutie bird. I can’t possibly be upset when you’re this adorable. Oh rooting dirting Everblooms.
Narrator: Chaos has, once again, broken out into the courtroom! The sheer psychic presence of such adorableness would leave even the most hard-cored affini in tears. Can Judge Juni regain control? Because I certainly can’t, Oh! Sobbing Narrator noises
Judge Juni: Alright everyfini, order. Order I say! Control yourselves. As much as I would like to continue the celebrations there is still the matter of space for the plushies that must be solved here today!
Narrator: Gasp, such a stern, authoritative voice that only a judge of such peerless reputation as Judge Juni could have. The courtroom has hushed down!
Judge Juni: And so should the narrator!
Embarrassed narrator noises
Judge Juni: So, space is the issue. I assume that there are already boxes and cubby holes galore to store plushies in your hab?
Avis Buxus: Lots! And hammocks and our nest….
Judge Juni: I see
Avis Buxus: And the cupboards and the plushies that hold other plushies
Judge Juni: Thorough indeed, well we could perhaps...
Avis Buxus: and the backpack for adventures outside, and
Asplenium Buxus: Alright my little feathered delight, I think Judge Juni understands the situation
Avis Buxus: Oh… sorry, I rambled too much there. Sorry….
Judge Juni: Now now my tiny avian cutie, no need to be sad. It’s rare that a pet is so very detailed in their explanations for me. Stephy, please draw up a certificate of thoroughness for Avis so that everyone knows just how well prepared they were when they came to the courtroom today.
Stephy Gladiolus: I’m on it Mistress!!!
Narrator: Stephy once again is a whirlwind of coloured pencils and stickers, just look at zer go!!
Judge Juni: Now then, clearly the use of the space is not the issue. How big is your hab?
Asplenium Buxus: One of the bigger ones that one affini and a pet can have. I don’t think the Xenoarcheobureaucracy will be able to let us have an even bigger one, especially without an end to the amount of plushies in sight.
Avis Buxus: They’ll all burst out of the hab and onto the street and then we won’t fit into our own hab!
Asplenium Buxus: Please Judge Juni, what do we do? As you have seen I cannot say no to them, such a crime would never be conscionable!
Judge Juni: Fear not! I have requested two of the finest and most experienced builders/carpenter duos in the whole compact. Please bring in Woodius Goodius and Pinecone Barkyhome, twentieth blooms, He/They!
Two affini in ridiculously ostentatious rainbow flower overalls skip down the centre isle to several whoops and a lot of clapping, but not too loud so as to make sure the more noise sensitive florets remain comfortable. A jingle plays: Hab Design with Wood and Pine, they can make anything with love and vines!
Judge Juni: Welcome back onto the program again my framework fabricating friends. If anyone can help us solve this most woolly of worries it’s you two. So, can we make Avis and Asplenium’s hab into a safe environment for Affini, pet and plushie alike?
Woodius Goodius: Weeeellllll
Pinecone Barkyhome: In short, no
Musical jingle cuts out with a record scratch
Judge Juni: … I beg your pardon?
Narrator: Can it be? Have the illustrious Woodius Goodius and Pinecone Barkyhome finally met a task that they cannot build their way out of? Oh say it isn’t so!
Woodius Goodius: Fear not gentle narrator, beloved affini and dear pets
Pinecone Barkyhome: We may not be able to make the hab big enough
Both: So we’ll build something else instead!
Woodius Goodius: We’re not sure what yet
Pinecone Barkyhome: But that’s what we’ll figure out today!
Judge Juni: Well, if the hab isn’t able to be made big enough then we’ll need to build a separate building. But that isn’t a permanent solution as eventually that too will build up and become full.
Avis Buxus: And they wouldn’t get cuddled! That wouldn’t be right. All the plushies in the hab get cuddled…
Judge Juni puts her face in her hand and taps the side of her head with a vine
Narrator: Judge Juni has put her head in her hand and started tapping the side of her head, something she is only ever known to do when presented with the most tumultuously taxing of problems to solve! My goodness gracious. While Judge Juni thinks this conundrum through here’s some information for any brave sophonts looking to learn a new language!
Outro theme plays. Camera jerkily turns around, staggers again with “Oh Rooting Dirtflowers!” heard from the operator before it finally centres on an affini and her florets, a terran and a rinian. All three look as if they practically grew up in a library, each of them wearing glasses, despite possibly not even needing them, and ridiculously bright coloured cardigans.
Verbum Papyra: Hello everyone at home! My mame is Verbum Papyra, 5th Bloom, He/Him and these are my delightful florets, Terry and Mili. Together we have made it our mission to help you all learn how to speak a new language. Whether you’re a little cutie wanting to learn how to write affini, or an affini new to the system who wants to learn how to chitter just right like a rinian, or make the most delightful terran puns then we are your sophonts!
Terry: Come and visit us at Petalsoft Library
Mili: Or on overnet!
All 3, slightly out of sync but in a still understandable and adorkable manner: And we’ll speak to your heart or core’s desire!
Lots of petting happens as well as much praise from Verbum who is looking overjoyed at just how cutely his florets presented themselves. The camera slowly turns back round to the courtroom front
Narrator: We return now to Judge Juni, where she appears to have come to some sort of idea on how to proceed!
Judge Juni: Hmmmmm, so! It seems to me that the plushies will need to be redistributed. As you said little Avis, if any of them aren’t getting cuddled then that’s just not right. So! How about this: We make some sort of system where any plushies you think someone would benefit from the love of can be gifted to them. That way you can make sure that they go to a most loving home aaaaaand you can check up on them should you ever wish to. No plushie will get abandoned. Can you be extra brave Avis, and help other sophonts find new soft friends to take home with them?
Avis Buxus: I-I-I could maybe try to Judge Juni. I suppose that could work. But there’s already lots of plushie shops on board the ship
Asplenium Buxus: And you and I would most certainly know that more than most. What exactly could we offer that couldn’t be gotten elsewhere?
Judge Juni: Very simple – Love and time. What is something that lots of pets need help with?
Asplenium Buxus: Well, I know some struggle with...
Avis Buxus: Deadpan The Vet.
Judge Juni: The Vet?
Avis Buxus: Vets are scary…..
Asplenium Buxus: I know you don’t like going to the vet sweetie but it’s very necessary that we make sure you get all the check-ups you need to stay healthy. And it was the Vets who gave you all your lovely soft wings as well.
Avis Buxus: But it’s full of scary machines and even though it almost never hurts now it used to back when it was doctors in the Accord so it reminds me of that and it’s all just…. Meeeeehhhhh!
Judge Juni: Would getting a plushie every time you visited help?
Avis Buxus: We already do that and yes it does help.
Judge Juni: Well then! How about you start a little vets of your own where everyone gets a plushie for being brave and managing to handle the scary vet, hand picked by you?
Narrator: Little Avis thinks very hard to themselves. Can they allow their plushie friends to go and help other people. Can they be very brave and save pets everywhere from the scariest vets in the compact!
Avis Buxus: I… think I can do that. So long as they promise to always love and care for them and never abandon them!
Judge Juni: We will work it into the paperwork so that along with their care each floret will get a special new friend! Both they and their friend will promise to take good care of each other always!
Avis Buxus: Ok… ok I think can do that!
Lots of petting and reassurance about how brave Avis is being and how proud Asplenium should be comes from the audience. Vines once again enquire with their owner before petting Avis silly.
Asplenium Buxus: Oh, but Judge Juni, I just remembered, I’m not a vet, I’m a nutrition expert! I can’t possibly learn everything I would need to before the plushies fluff us out of hab and home!
Judge Juni: Which is why you should open the compacts very first Vet Cafe! For all pets who need that extra little bit of help.
Asplenium Buxus: Wait, so I run a cafe that also has a Vet and their equipment in it as well?
Judge Juni: Precisely! I’m sure there would be plenty of Vets who would happily volunteer their services on some days to help you out.
Asplenium Buxus: Well, I was already considering something food based in terms of work to help all the lovely little pets of this part of the galaxy out. Very well, that sounds like an eminently sensible solution Judge Juni.
Judge Juni: And what say you Woodius and Pinecone? Can you build it?
Woodius Goodius: Physically, yes.
Pinecone Barkyhome: The question is whether it will meet compact sanitary standards for both food and healthcare. Not exactly the easiest thing to achieve.
Woodius Goodius: Yes, we would need some help and guidance on the health and safety aspects.
Stephy Gladiolus: Oh Oh Oh Oh! I know who we can call! My Beeple friend works in the Xenoarcheobureaucracy’s health and safety department for buildings!
Judge Juni: Is this the same beeple you spoke to last time?
Stephy Gladiolus: Yeah! Zee’s really good!! I promise!
Little coos from the audience at how excited Stephy is to help
Judge Juni: Such a helpful little daffodil, always so very clever and thoughtful. Alright my dear, would you ring your friend for us?
Stephy Gladiolus: Yes Mistress! Little salute
Narrator: The atmosphere is hushed as Stephy makes the call!
Judge Juni: Shhhh!
Phone rings for a bit before a little buzzy voice answers
hivvvvey Erythronium: Hello! I’m hivvvvey. Can I help you with building safety?
Stephy Gladiolus: Hey, it’s Stephy!
hivvvvey Erythronium: Zzztephy!!!!!
Stephy Gladiolus: hivvvvey!!!!
hivvvvey Erythronium: Does Judge Juni need a hand again, or
is this about our cuddle date tomorrow?!
Stephy Gladiolus: We’ve got a really big case today! We need to know aaaaalllll the safety regulations that would need to be followed so we can have both a vet and a cafe in the same area!
hivvvvey Erythronium: Bzzzzz quite a difficult one indddddeed! I’ll ask my owner if she can help! Mistress! Can we make a vvvvet restaurant combo buzzilding?
Hedera Erythronium: (In the background). Maybe? I’ll get the relevant paperwork.
hivvvvey Erythronium: We’re on our way zzztephy!!! Hug you in a minute!
Stephy Gladiolus: Okaaaay!!!!
Stephy Gladiolus: hivvvvey and zzzee’s Mistress are on their way!
Asplenium Buxus: That was very well handled little one
Avis Buxus: Yeah! I can’t handle phones without crying at all. They’re really scary...
Asplenium Buxus: You’ve trained her exceptionally well I must say
Judge Juni: She’s such a good pet, so very obedient and talented. But I must ask, what’s this about a date tomorrow hmmmmm?
Stephy Gladiolus: I hadn’t booked it yet I promise! I just put it in the calendar provisionally and was gonna talk to you about it later. hivvvvey is checking with zee’s Mistress too…
Judge Juni: Oh, and what were you planning to do on this date? Go on, tell the court darling~
Narrator: We’ll be back shortly after this quick request from the cutest little musician I ever did see!
Outro theme plays, camera whirls around and fixes on a very small terran holding a violin.
Thelina Chrid: Um… hi everyone.
Thelina wiggles her hands a bit in front of her nervously, her clutch on the violin a bit tight
Thelina Chrid: So, I really want to find some affini who would like to play in a string quartet with me. Specifically I wanted to do lots of Bach because I just find him really fun...um… oh! You can message me at Not_Stringing_You_Along… um, if that’s OK of course. T-Thank you for listening to my… silly little request. Um…
Thelina’s tablet suddenly starts making several message noises in a row and she quickly moves to silence it, gasping at just how many affini have already answered her request.
The camera moves around again to an extremely stuttery Stephy talking about cuddled and maybe, just maaaaaaybe a little kiss on hivvvvey’s neck fluff because it is just SO FLUFFFFFFFFYYYYY
hivvvvey Erythronium: We’re hereeee Judge Juni!!!!
Judge Juni: Saved by the beeple there my dear, although I want to hear all about it later. Good to see you again Hedera!
Hedera Erythronium: Good to see you too Judge Juni! Now then, who wanted to open this bold new vet/cafe venture?
Judge Juni: Asplenium Buxus and little Avis Buxus here. We need a method to distribute plushies to wonderful loving homes before they pile up and force them out of their hab altogether.
Asplenium Buxus: Well as I see it we’re going to need to be able to serve some sort of refreshments while also allowing vets to be able to see the little ones that visit in a sanitary manner. So nothing too heavy in terms of food as that would be a little too distracting I fear. Probably baked goods, some drinks...
Avis Buxus: Sandwiches!
Asplenium Buxus: Sand witches? I thought you told me witches lived in swamps
Judge Juni: I thought it was stone towers?
Hedera Erythronium: No that’s wizards you’re thinking of. Witches lived in big castles or tiny cottages depending on their mood. That’s why they were called witches, because they can’t ever decide which to pick!
Avis and Stephy trying desperately not to chortle
Hedera Erythronium: I don’t think a witch would be a good choice for food little one. How about some nice bread buns instead with light fillings?
Asplenium Buxus: Yes, that seems more advisable
Hedera Erythronium: Alright then. Well the main thoughts I have are keeping whatever equipment the vet would need sterile while in a food environment. To that end you’ll probably need to split the tables into two halves, one for food and one for vet gear with the floret sat between the two so they can focus on their owner and refreshment while the vet gets to work. Also they’d have to be easy to clean to the point of self-sterilization in some cases. Can you two whip something up like that?
Woodius and Pinecone: We sure can!
Woodius Goodius: We could make little resizeable chairs for the plushies to sit in?
Pinecone Barkyhome: And little plushie care stations on the table as well! Brushes and the like.
Hedera Erythronium: All very well and good then. hivvvvey, make sure that we get some little cleaner bots manufactured for the cafe as well. Trying to keep everything clean to both a vetinary and cooking standard will be too much of a job for one affini and a floret.
hivvvvey Erythronium: Yezz mistreszz!
Woodius Goodius: That settles it then. We could have that built in ooooooo
Pinecone Barkyhome: Saaayyyyyy
Woodius and Pinecone: A day or two!
Woodius Goodius: Oh it’ll be so much fun! I’m going to love seeing you grow all those cute little beams to make it cosy and nice Pinecone my dearest
Pinecone Barkyhome: But surely the star of the project will be you with all those wonderful tables you’ll be making! Such intricate details to be carved, such excessively wonderful functionality! Oh Woodius my precious bloom, you’ll be a marvel to watch!
Woodius Goodius: Let us not forget the walls though. What will you do to combine the looks of both cafe and vet in a welcoming manner for our more nervous little sophonts I wonder. Ooooooo I can’t wait Pinecone, I just cant!
Both Woodius and Pinecone start flapping their vines and giggling to each other as they jump up and down excitedly, ending up with them intertwining themselves together until there is just one big mass of very overexcited, giggly vines. The audience are also getting extremely flappy/jumpy/giggly/all round stimmy as the pair of them are infectiously cute together
Judge Juni: (Giggles) Now now you two, lets not get too excited. Although that does seem to have solved our little issue for the day I think. Hedera and hivvvvey, does this match up well enough to our most rigorous safety standards?
Hedera looks up from doting on hivvvvey and Stephy snuggling together and making little soft noises as they nuzzle
Hedera Erythronium: Wha? Oh yes, I’m happy that it will be fine, and I’ll come check the work once Woodius and Pinecone are finished.
Judge Juni: Perfect. Asplenium and Avis, are you satified with the outcome?
Asplenium and Avis: Yes Judge Juni! We thought of a name too.
Judge Juni: Oh, and what might that be?
Asplenium Buxus: Snugs,
Avis Buxus: Pets,
Asplenium and Avis: and the Gentlest of Vets!
Judge Juni: Marvelous! A wonderful name indeed and soon to be known far and wide as the most relaxing cafe and vets for light years around I am sure. Now, Stephy my dear, is the certificate ready?
Stephy emerges, blurry eyed and slightly scruffled from all the petting
Stephy Gladiolus: Wha? Oh yes! It’s finished Mistress!
Stephy gets brought down to Avis
Stephy Gladiolus: By the power invested in me by the court of Judge Juni I present to you, Avis Buxus, this certificate confirming that you were indeed extremely thoroughly prepared for today's session, meaning you are a very helpful little pet. Go forth with pride in the knowledge that you are an extremely good, assistive cutie!
Much applause and supportive, but not overwhelmingly noisy, affirmations come from the audience. A few more pets for Avis are sneaked in from few affini and one brave terran in the audience who giggles before returning to their seat.
Judge Juni: Well everybody, I believe that is it for this episode…
At this precise point, the emergency evidence submission line rings!
“Oh my word, how absurd, yet more evidence as yet unheard. Listen hard, listen well, to what our new friend has to tell”
Narrator: What’s this! An unprecedented development (except for the last 11 times it happened!). Judge Juni’s emergency evidence submission line is ringing! Who could it be? Someone to gift yet more stuffies to Avis? The Back office beeple Bureaucracy buzzing their way into building more blooms on the balcony? The Crumpet Chompers Community of Chums and Camaraderie coming to chew the choicest of cuisine from Asplenium and Avis’s Cafe???!!! :O
Judge Juni: Sigh, I’m never going to stop those emoji’s am I. Now pipe down while I answer this
Judge Juni picks up the phone
Judge Juni: You’re on Judge Juni! What new evidence do you have for us today cutie?
Mysterious Caller: For a courtroom there sure isn’t any justice in seeing all these people turned into pets. I think it’s extremely bad for terrans to be treated this way. You should stop immediately.
There is a scuffling as the terran is taken away from the phone and a “Hey, get off of me, I’m allowed to express my opinion” as well as a “Come along petal, there are better places to chat about this than on the evidence submission line”
Judge Juni: Well, that was unexpected. Still, I now know what my next case is going to be. Stephy my darling?
Stephy Gladiolus: Yes Mistress?
Judge Juni: Fetch me.... The Seed Tickler!!!
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN NOISE!!!!!
Narrator: Well we have solved our piles of plushie issue for today with the extreme flourish Woodius Goodius and Pinecone Barkyhome are renowned for and made sure it’s up to the best compact standards of cleanliness! But tune back in shortly for our next episode where we show a naughty little seed what it’s like to be on the end of…. THE SEED TICKLER!!!
Key change up 1 semitone for an even more dramatic DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!!!!
An Affini in the audience calls out “NO! NOT… THE SEED TICKLER!!!!!
Key change up 1 semitone for an even MORE dramatic DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!!!!
Narrator: Yes dear viewers…..THE SEED TICKLER!!!!!
Key change up 1 semitone for an EVEN MORE DRAMATIC DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!
Judge Juni: Alright, that’s quite enough of that. Lets get ready everyone. Hugs, pets and kind words at the ready. We’ve got a seed to domesticate!