Narrator: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Juniper Gladiolus, Fifty Sixth Bloom (She/Her/Your Gladiolus). The cases are real! The florets are cute! The rulings are subject to any further evidence that may come to light at a later date, as any fair courtroom should be! This, is Judge Juni!
Today two Affini bring forward their pets. Each of them claims that their floret is the cutest. Oh! It seems a seemingly impossible task to weigh in on for any normal judge has landed upon us today, but let's see what the magnanimously judicious Judge Juni can achieve for our Quartet of Quintessentially Qualified Que-ties!
Judge Juni: Alright, so you're Magnolis Birch, 3rd Bloom, He/They, and your pet is?
Magnolis Birch: Ignus Birch, 2nd Floret, He/They
Ignis waves from within the mass of vines holding him gently but firmly on Magnolis’ lap
Judge Juni: Awww, aren't they so polite and eager, all wrapped up there. Hello sweetie, are you going to behave for us her today and be just your cutest self?
Ignis Birch: Of course I will Judge Juni, I promise!
Some awwwing and tittering fills the room from the observing courtroom
Judge Juni: Utterly precious, alright then. So Magnolis, you're having trouble because you and your live in friend can't decide if your pet is cuter than their pet, is that correct?
Magnolis Birch: Correct your Gladiolus
Narrator: For the florets at home, a Gladiolus flower is a symbol of honour in old flower language! Thus meaning that your Gladiolus means your honour (according to our resident expert in the matter anyway, who I am assured is very well educated on the matter! Ask your owner for some head-pats if you remembered that from last episode! If not, ask anyway and you might get lucky cuties! Why only yesterday I got a raisin from them and they said it was because, according to old 1800’s traditions you don’t need a reason to give a raisin apparently!
Judge Juni: *ahem* Ok, so every owner obviously thinks their pet is the cutest and with good reason, but we must remember to take everyfini’s opinions and feelings on the matter into consideration. So we’ll go over everyone’s thoughts on their floret being the cutest and take it from there to start. Does that sound agreeable to everyone?
Nodding from everyone
Judge Juni: Good, I expect you both to tell us all just how much you love them! Speaking of which, have you met my little bundle of delight? She can do such a cute trick with her nose!
Narrator: Little Stephy Gladioulus, Twelfth Floret, She/Ze: Non-Judgemental Judging Assistant and Plushie Distributor has been given a spoon. What daring feats will our favourite little helper perform for us today! Will it be enough to earn her another of Judge Juni’s prestigious Golden Star Awards!?
A wooden, flowery toblerone with Stephy’s full name, title and position as Non-Judgemental Judging Assistant and Plushie Distributor sits proudly on her little desk next to Judge Juni’s There are a ridiculous amount of gold stars stuck on it that are starting to spill onto the desk as well. Judge Juni gives her floret a spoon and ze promptly makes it stick to zir nose
Judge Juni: Squee! Adorable! Nobody would ever think otherwise!
Judge Juni gives Stephy several little excited scritches on her head, making her squeak happily but somehow she keeps the spoon on her nose. Considerable agreeable murmuring from the courtroom
Magnolis Birch: Ze is indeed adorable and doing such a good job!
One blushy, squeaky floret hiding behind a plushie shaped like a big shark-like sophont and more murmuring
Judge Juni: Alright then Magnolis, tell us all about your floret.
Magnolis Birch: Well Your Gladious, my floret simply must be the cutest because he wakes me up each morning with a hundred tiny kisses. I had to get a special vine grafted to make sure he doesn't hurt his precious little lips. Its extra soft and slowly gives him his morning dose of class As each time he kisses it so when he's done he's so blissed out he's usually mewling but still he keeps going unless I intervene and stop him. Oh I can hardly stand to leave him to make him breakfast some days!
Magnolis starts nuzzling the lad who has utterly melted into his arms at this point
Ignis: Some days you don't, you take me with you while you make it so I can keep going! And I can't not kiss you that much, it would be a crime against the compact to do any less! I love you too much Master~
Considerable awwwing bordering on unruliness is taking over the courtroom with 'So cute!' and 'Oh roots/dirt, too adorable! My core!' being the most prevalent outbursts. Also a few vines from the closest Affini audience members are now, with Magnolis’ permission, petting the very flustered but also very happy lad
Judge Juni: Alright everyone, settle down, order, order. Strong evidence indeed presented in this courtroom today! Pet, please draw up some documentation so that it can be acknowledged that Ignus Birch, 2nd Floret, He/They, has been legally recognized in this court as being incredibly adorable and almost unreasonably cute in both word and deed! Due to the potential cognito-hazardous nature of his cuteness on these court proceedings however, I must ask that you keep him under control with some more gentle cuddles Magnolis.
Magnolis Birch: Acknowledged your Gladiolus
Stephy Gladiolus: Can I use all the special stickers and stamps as well Mistress? Please Please Please?!
Judge Juni: Oh my dear, of course you can, I have no doubt you'll make such a pretty little pile of documents. Now, we can indeed acknowledge that Ignis Birch is extremely cute. However! We should we hear the other side as well before any decision is made, as is only fair.… but maybe in a bit once the documents are done. So while we wait, have you seen how many plushies my little Stephy can hug at once! She makes the most adorable squeeing noises as well when she does, even more so when I squeeze her at the same time!
Narrator: Uuuuuh we will be right back after these domestication information videos!
Awkward cut to scene transition motif but the camera is wheeled oddly around to a separate part of the courtroom with a very pretty rainbow flowered affini bending down to get in the camera’s view in a way that makes it look like she’s looming over the viewer. Judge Juni is still wittering on in the background and bringing up pictures of Stephy trying to make paperwork and hug plushies at the same time while Stephy herself is while blushing and stammering and generally very embarrassed
Rosa Amare: (Very slowly and gently) Hello petals, my name is Rosa Amare, and while Judge Juni gets herself and the courtroom back under control I’d like to talk to you all for a short while about domestication.
Now we know that some of you are still struggling a lot with all the changes we’ve had over the last couple of years. I know it’s been a lot to cope with and we don’t want that to make you think you need to struggle any of you in any way at all. So for the next week I and my helpers will be sat in Rosey Posey Park each day for a domestication picnic! There we will be able to answer any worries you might have about asking for help. There will be lots of blankets, tasty treats and of course as many cuddles as you could want. We love you all very dearly and would love to help you with whatever might still be anxious about concerning domestication.
And for those of you who have already found your loving owner, maybe you know someone you could bring along who needs a little helping vine? If so why not bring them along so we can show them just how lovely it can be to always know how well loved you are, with all the pets and nuzzles and…. well…. just love that comes with it!
Remember to keep drinking your water and taking your meds cuties, and now, back to the show <3
Scene transition motif is played and camera moves again
Narrator: We return now to the courtroom of Judge Juni!
Judge Juni: Alright everyone you've been very patient, settle down now, order.
Narrator: Judge Juni appears to be totally oblivious to the fact that she has monopolized much of the precious time available by showing all seven hundred of her florets photos from her best artistic projects for the archaeobureaucracy's extra-curricular floret achievement certificate department. Can she recover order amongst the aww-ing Affini and continue onto the actual case? Or will floret adorableness continue to strike chaos in the courtroom!
Judge Juni: Let's have our other side in this most prestigious of cases. Dafodilia Dracaena, 5th bloom, she/her and Snuggles Dracaena, first floret, Snug/Snugself.
Narrator: Dafodilia's floret is making extremely content noises while absolutely clinging to their owner with the most blissful smile that has ever been seen. A more docile and happy sophont would be very difficult to find!
Judge Juni: Well... I think it should be self evident from this adoooorrrable little display but for the sake of the record Dafodilia, please state why you think your floret is cuter than little Ignus over here
Dafodilia Dracaena: Well your Gladiolus, my little Snuggles simply cannot help but snuggle quite literally everything in sight. If I'm not cuddling snug then snug'll cuddle all of snugs plushies together or in allotted time slots so they all get a turn
Affini cooing in the audience
Dafodilia Dracaena: That’s assuming of course they aren’t in a giant pile of all the plushies at once that day. Or snug'll be cuddling Ignus or snugs other friends. Or or or! Snug will find something else to hug. Snug once started hugging the countertops in our hab because, and I quote, “I realised that habby hasn’t had any cuddles since I got here and that made me very sad as habby does such a good job for us and deserves praise just as much as anyone else. So I’m changing that from today”
Lots of rustling and various coo-ing noises as the affini get very overexcited. Several vines are sneaking their way towards Snuggles, tapping Dafodilia to ask for permission to pet him.
Narrator: The aww-ing is reaching critical mass again, Judge Juni needs to get things under control sharpish!
One Affini is on the verge of sappy tears with how cute snug is
Judge Juni: Well well, extremely exceptionally enthrallingly cute indeed, at that rate your hab just might gain sentience and hug Snuggles back. Pet, add that to the record to check. The AI researchers will want to know if sophont’s emotional states expressed via physical displays of affection can affect emergent AI growth.
Furious floret scribbling with crayons from Stephy with a determined nod
Dafodilia Dracaena: Trying to pry snug out of a cuddle is practically impossible sometimes, at least not without snug whimpering in such a manner as to convince me otherwise. The last time Ignis had a vet appointment we had to take Snuggles with him because snug just didn’t want to let go of them at all. Luckily I had taken the day off anyway so we made a little group trip of it.
Magnolis Birch: That was the same day we all visited Little Softies J-class cafe as well wasn’t it?
Dafodilia Dracaena: Yes! Oh that was such a lovely time. Snug cuddling Ignis all day and Ignis kissing snug countless times, at least when he wasn’t kissing you anyway.
Magnolis Birch: I had to intervene eventually to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.
Dafodilia Dracaena: You were really worried; I had to calm you down as well.
Magnolis Birch: You did have to, and I appreciate just how gentle you were about it as well.
Dafodilia Dracaena: Well it’s not as if you didn’t also help me pry snug off and placate snug for a bit at the vets so we could get a proper weighing for Ignis. Snug was so grumpy bless snug
Magnolis Birch: It was my pleasure and delight Dafodilia, after all it didn’t take much to convince Snuggles to cuddle right into me. A bit of fussing was well worth such a cute sight.
Judge Juni: Oh I really don’t want to interrupt this adorable little exchange but I think that is enough evidence to go on my dears. Now, as is tradition we need you, the cuties in the audience here and at home to help us decide which is cuter! Get your owners to help you decide if you’re unsure. Just say your answer and your hab will send it through to us here in the courtroom! You all have ten minutes! While we wait let’s see what Stephy has managed to make for us.
Stephy Gladiolus: Here we are!!! One certificate complete with supplementary documentation from evidence submitted both here in the courtroom today and also from some video footage sent in by Filming_Cuties_4_Cute_Reasonz of Ignis smooching Magnolis in the park and making all sorts of squeaky noises, Stamped in triplicate. The video footage playback is available by tapping on this part of the certificate’s frame and I gave them 2 flame stickers, and a little fox one too because of their cute ears! Oh and and and and I picked out this fox plushie as a congratulations!
Judge Juni: Absolutely sterling effort darling, I am so very proud of you. Off you go and present it.
Narrator: Little Stephy Gladioulus, Twelfth Floret, She/Ze: Non-Judgemental Judging Assistant and Plushie Distributor is brought down to Ignis. The atmosphere is hushed!
A few affini are still making loud awwing noises and trying to pet the pair of florets in their owners vines.
Narrator: *AHEM* I said, the atmosphere is hushed!
Embarrassed wooden bark noises
Stephy Gladiolus: Ignus Birch, 2nd Floret, on behalf of this courtroom I proudly present you with this certificate, certifying that you are in fact, very adorable! May this plushie always remind you that you have the backing of Judge Juni and myself in all your cute endeavours.
Lots of clapping, but at a sensible volume so no floret is overwhelmed, a few quiet but enthusiastic cheers. Stephy is moved back to her desk and absolutely ridiculous nonsense words and doting noises come from Judge Juni as Stephy squirms and blushes and squeaks while she is petted and gently tickled.
A noise interrupts, a jingle with the words “Oh my word, how absurd, yet more evidence as yet unheard. Listen hard, listen well, to what our new friend has to tell”
Narrator: What’s this! An unprecedented development (except for the last 10 times it happened!). Judge Juni’s emergency evidence submission line is ringing! Who could it be? Someone to attest to Snuggles cuddling prowess? Another contender? THE CUTIE CATCHERS! Ready to take our adorable florets away for the crime of pandemonium inducing adorableness???
Judge Juni: Hush up now you, I’m sure it’s fine
Embarrassed narrator noises
Judge Juni: You are live on Judge Juni! State your name and intent cutie!
Newcomer: Hello! My name is Carnationa Trelis, Twelfth Bloom, She/Her. My reasons for calling are twofold. Firstly I would like to say thank you to your floret for such hard work and congratulations to yourself for doing such a good job in training her. I’ve not had such lovely paperwork delivered to me in quite some time!
Judge Juni: Thank you, I’m very proud of her, she’s come such a long way from her first steps into paperwork prettifying. What do you say pet?
Stephy Gladiolus: THANK YOU MISS TRELIS!!! I’M REALLY GLAD YOU LIKED IT!!!!
Carnationa Trelis: Dawwwwww, so charmingly enthusiastic about her job. Extra pets for you when I see you next cutie~
More happy flustered squeaky floret noises
Carnationa Trelis: Reason two for calling was your request regarding Hab AI and emerging sentience. I’ve just been to little Snuggles hab you see and I can’t quite believe these readings. I had to double check and then triple check them but it seems that somehow the Hab has developed a low level sentience! It’s not as developed as we would normally see but the beginnings of it are certainly there.
Judge Juni: Strange indeed, but are you sure it’s from Snuggles’ actions?
Carnationa Trelis: That’s just it, the first thing it asked me was if it could have a hug because it missed Snuggles! Now there seems to have been a little bit of modification to the hab’s AI by Dafodilia in order to make it possible but the catalyst to actually start it developing that sentience seems to be Snuggles interactions with it.
Dafodilia Dracaena: I mean, I just wanted to see if I could get some more complicated responses from the hab AI. It does sometimes go in circles in regards to sophonts requests when they don’t have the right level of access when they should so I just wanted to see if I could get it to understand when it should upgrade the access of it’s own accord.
Carnationa Trelis: Well it appears to have made a new level of access known as snuggle buddy. Snuggles is literally so cute snug induces consciousness into AI. There’s going to be so many ramifications to this, the legal rights of Habby, any further restrictions on making more habs conscious that may need to be implemented, whether Habby can be an independent or is now considered another AI floret. There’s going to be so much paperwoooooooork~
Affini audience cheering
Judge Juni: Well Snug, congratulations are in order. There’s nothing we love more than paperwork, except our florets making us need to do more paperwork for good reasons! Thank you for calling Carnationa! You can be assured that your evidence will be taken into account in this most historically auspicious of cases!
Carnationa Trelis: Thank you Judge Juni, take care! Click
Judge Juni: Pet, I need you to draw up another certificate….
Stephy Gladiolus: I’M ON IT MISTRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Narrator: Little Stephy Gladiolus Twelfth Floret, She/Ze: Non-Judgemental Judging Assistant and Plushie Distributor once again leaps into action. While we wait for her to finish, here’s buzzic Florania who wants to tell us all about their new project!
Again there is an awkward cut to the scene transition motif and the camera is wheeled oddly around to the separate part of the courtroom with a nervous looking beeple being gentle pet by their owner
buzzic Florania: Um… Hi everyone. I um… I know there’s a lot of terrans that are still a bit um, nervous around beeple. And I know I’m still a bit nervous as well. I mean I’m always a bit nervous but… Anyway! I’m starting a new project called beeple buddies! We’re going to help people who want to meet up with a beeple and make their dream come true. So, you contact us by looking up beeple buddies on the overnet and then, um… we ask you some nice easy questions and then we match you with a beeple that likes the sorts of things you do. Oh! And we also help you with a first meeting as well. So we’ll give you a place or the things you need to do for your favourite activity and then you can have fun together! So um… give beeple buddies a go everyone! Thank you for listening.
buzzic is then pet and cuddled close to their owner and we can hear them telling buzzic just how wonderfully brave they were and how much they are going to be doted on extra hard tonight. The transition motif and the camera are played/wheeled around again.
Narrator: Judge Juni where little Stephy seems to have finished her certificates!
Stephy is lowered down to Snuggles by Judge Juni
Stephy Gladiolus: Snuggles Dracaena, first floret, on behalf of this courtroom I proudly present you with this certificate, certifying that you are so adorable that you have caused even more new and exciting types of paperwork for the compact! May this hab shaped plushie always remind you that you have the backing of Judge Juni and myself in all your most wonderful AI-inducing endeavours!
Lots of sensible clapping and vine waving and cooing once again
Judge Juni: Well done my wonderful little Stephy. Thank you once again and congratulation to Snuggles! And with that the results of the polls are in. Pet, hand me the printout please.
Rustling as a sealed envelope is handed over
Narrator: The audience is hushed as Judge Juni opens the results of the poll, the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife, not that you cuties at home should be doing that without an owner to help you. Remember It’s always ok to ask for help! <3
Judge Juni stops for a second
Judge Juni: How did you get a heart emoji into your speech?
Narrator: Narrator’s magic privileges!
Judge Juni raises a barky eyebrow with a disapproving look before continuing to open the envelope and dramatically unfold the paper inside
Judge Juni: The poll reads as such. The cutest floret is…..
Pets are chewing their owners vines or otherwise stimming on them with nervousness, the rustling of various bushy creatures reaches a deafening crescendo, vines are waving everywhere. One pet squeaks slightly too loudly and earns a stern but not too unkindly stare from Judge Juni, hiding in their owners vines
Judge Juni: Both of you! An absolute tie!
Magnolis Birch and Dafodilia Dracaena: Shocked How???!!
Judge Juni: Everyone voted twice, once for each floret, thus proving what I think all of us in here knew already. That no floret is truly cuter than the other, for cuteness is in the eye of the pet holder! And in all honesty, if you both take a good look at each others florets, can you not say that they are most adorable, squee-worthy and dawwww-inducing? That not only is your own floret the cutest pet you ever laid eyes on but that your friend’s floret is also so very wonderful that you just want to pet them forever and ever? On top of that can you possibly deny that they are even cuter together and that such a wonderful relationship as they share brings so much joy that they should never be parted?!!
Narrator: It seems that the vote has dumbfounded our defendants, poked our Plant-iffs perceptions of their pleasantly pleasing cuties. Wait, what’s this? A double affini-floret cuddle pile has spontaneously broken out. Both of our affini have taken their florets and decided to join forces as it were. The noises coming from both cuties has set the courtroom alight with adorable-awwwing! Suculent Squeeing Squishes Sally forth!
Judge Juni: Congratulations to both our affini and their florets. They’ve both done very well to figure this conundrum out with us all here today. AND THAT’S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR TODAY EVERYONE! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE SCINTILLATING CASES ON… JUDGE JUNI!
Stephy Gladiolus: Byebye everyone!!!!! *Waving shark plushies fins to say goodbye*
End credits music outro, affini awwing noises having reached a ridiculous height with pets across the courtroom being doted on in a completely over the top manner. Utterly decadent, ludicrous to any outsider looking in.
Precisely nobody is complaining.