I wondered if I should go to the ER for a rape kit. It had been 18 hours, but it would still be good. Angela thought that was a bad idea. Why would she be against this?
Then Angela suggested I lay back down and try to relax. I was visibly upset. She was rubbing my temples and telling me how beautiful I was. She was not particularly pretty. Average really, but she had a cute figure and a kind of innocent girl next door look. I imagined she was probably just as lonely as me for the touch of another human being. I closed my eyes and then awoke with a start. I was in the throes of an orgasm. Angela was between my legs and licking up a storm. It was too intense. I had to ride out the orgasm. I was still lifting my hips to her mouth for several seconds after I became aware. I decided to pretend I was still in trance. Angela came up for air. I could tell by the taste in my mouth that I had already pleasured her. What is wrong with this picture? She's not a medical person, but she was working with my therapist. Taking sexual liberties with me, unbeknownst to me, was a problem. A big problem.
"Lydia, you did so well. I am going to awaken you in a moment. You will have no recollection that we just had sex. We will both get dressed and you will think nothing of it… nothing is out of the ordinary. You will just know that I relaxed you and you feel wonderful. You will find that you can't stop thinking of me. You are attracted to me and you love being hypnotized by me. As for Dr. Allen, you will not contact the authorities. He assaulted you, but you forgive him. You will stop seeing him. You will simply call his office and tell them you will not be seeing him again. If he contacts you, you will not bring up the subject of the sex therapy session. There is no reason to bother the ER with getting a rape kit done. They do not need to be distracted with this when there are so many COVID and other patients that need care. This all makes perfect sense to you. Do you understand?"
"Yes. I understand."
My mind was going a mile a minute. Did she implant a false memory? It seems so real. But what other explanation for her not wanting me to contact the authorities or confront Dr. Allen? I am so sick of being taken advantage of.
Actually, I really am. That is why I’m leaving the hypnokink community and the assorted predators that cruise these sites.
Angela then proceeded to 'wake me up.' I'm already awake you stupid bitch.
"On the count of three you will awaken feeling great. One, coming around, two waking up, three, eyes open, fully awake."
I blinked a few times and looked around like I was orienting myself.
"You dozed off for a few minutes. Why don't you get dressed and we will talk again later when Blakley gets on the Zoom call tomorrow morning.
"Sounds good." I said, probably without enough conviction in my voice. Now to go home and figure out what I should do.
I decided that I am the one with the problem. I attract predators like flies to shit. I have this crazy fetish about hypnotic control. I get off on controlling others and I get off on being controlled. I’m what the kink community calls a switch. I thought, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ The very same nonconsensual hypnotic control that I use to coerce sex with my subjects. How can I justify being upset when it happens to me? Am I in denial?
How can I fault Dr. Allen? I'm not sure he even did anything wrong. But the memories are so perfectly clear. She couldn't have implanted anything so detailed. But then again, I have a world class imagination. I can't tell what is real and what is fantasy anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
How could I know what really happened? Maybe look for evidence? I sifted through my trash compactor and found a box labeled Plan B One-step, emergency contraceptive. So Dr. Allen did fuck me. That piece of shit.
Or did he? If I was Angela I would implant a false memory of him telling me to buy Plan B, then have me toss the box in the trash and have me decide to look for it - as evidence. One thing was certain. Angela and I did have sex. She was too new of a hypnotist to realize that people sometimes come out of trance - even deep trance, when they orgasm.
Angela is obviously taking advantage of my ability to be easily hypnotized. I need to tell Rachel this so she'll understand when I cut Angela loose. But… do I really want to cut her loose. I’m attracted to her. I’m definitely attracted to her. Fuck me.
What about Dr. Allen? He probably did do some funny business. After all, he had me masturbate in front of him. Well, not really... technically. He had me read an erotic story to bring subLydia out of hiding. I just happened to put on a show for him...
WWJD. What would Jesus do? Ruin this man? Perhaps I could pray for him... pray with him? Hypnotic control makes me crazy aroused. It causes my alter to come out. What if we did have sex? Maybe this really was some derivation of surrogate partner therapy. If so, and it got subLydia to play nice and helped us better mesh/merge together, then it was perfectly reasonable and justified. I’ve heard of stranger things. If I am destined to live with subLydia as some sort of mental Siamese twin, then I need to reconcile her sexual proclivities around submissiveness and arousal.
The ketamine is a huge benefit… and bonus. That is not something I can afford without Dr. Allen’s generous beneficence. If the ketamine can eliminate the PTSD that I live with every day, I would trade sex for it. I would. Besides, I love sex. If I’m to be honest, I love ketamine as well.
How can I be angry at Dr. Allen for simply responding to a biologic imperative programmed into our DNA. We are sexual creatures. Suppressing our desire to enjoy sex is not physiologic. Therefore suppressing these desires is not normal. I need to embrace what happened to me and disregard prudish societal notions of what constitutes right and wrong…
I guess I need to know if he really had sex with me. Why would Angela make up such an outlandish story? If she didn't want me to see him again she could just suggest it under hypnosis. Everything is so confusing.
I need advice. Do my arguments hold water? Am I rationalizing something that does not deserve to be rationalized? Please be honest and let me know what you think. Leave a comment to me. I would like to know if my thinking is messed up.
If you want to know which way I’m leaning… either I blow this off or go to the police… or continue with the sex therapy, I will tell you AFTER you leave your opinion in the comment section.
Hint. I am going to the ER for a rape collection kit. If there is evidence, I need it collected soon, before it is too late.