My first session with Angela was about to start. She was young. But supposedly a decent hypnotist. She was quiet, reserved. Even demure. She asked me to take a deep breath, close my eyes and relax. That was original. I had my doubts whether she could really hypnotize anyone.
I asked her, “Can you speak a little louder.” Mousy voices don’t do it for me. She was droning on. Boring me to sleep. This wasn’t working.
I opened my eyes. “This isn’t working.”
She smiled at me, ”We’re done.”
“What? Was I… you hypnotized me… already?”
“Yes, for the last 30 minutes. I took you really deep.”
”Wow. You’re full of surprises.”
She looked at me coyly. My heart skipped a beat. I felt like kissing her for some reason. “Thank you for being there for me during this crisis I’m going through.”
She was looking at me, not saying anything. Then she leaned over and gave me a hug and sweet kiss on the lips. Innocent or something more? She was not ‘hot’ in the traditional sense, but she was fresh and wholesome and with that cute figure, pony tail and sweet smile, I realized I was strangely attracted to her.
”I took you very deep. Your doctor did not implant any triggers or post hypnotic suggestions. I do think he used poor judgement to hypnotize you against your will.”
”Thank you Angela.”
Should I ask? “Why the hug and kiss?”
”You looked like you could use it. We all can use a hug and a kiss some times.”
”Thank you. I needed that.” Angela was warm and genuine... and gifted. She seemed unnaturally good at hypnosis for being so young. Everything that Dr. Allen made me forget, she resurrected with ease.
I thought back to my visit with Dr. Allen. Angela had recovered those memories. I remembered most of the details leading up to my angry outburst. To the best of my recollection, Dr. Allen informed me that he was going to hypnotize me to forget all about my hypnokink and it was for my own good. I was not in agreement and I told him so. That should have been the end of it, but then he threatened me with involuntary commitment if I refused treatment. I told him to go fuck himself. I shot off an email to Rachel telling her what this fucker wanted to do. The doctor and his stooges were standing there trying to figure out what to do next when I told them I was leaving. I got up, but an orderly was blocking the door.
I screamed, "Get out of my way you piece of shit!" As I tried to leave and was restrained, I lost control and I bit the orderly. That was probably a mistake as it gave them medical 'cause' to sedate me. After that I fired off one last email before I started to feel very heavy.
Here is where my memory is a little scattered. I recall feeling very calm and peaceful when I left Dr. Allen’s office. I had signed a consent for him to hypnotize me to forget about my hypnosis fetish, but it was after the fact. After I had been hypnotized. It was not a valid consent. But could I prove it? Probably not.
My fetish is clearly unhealthy. I know that. I just need subLydia and any other lingerers to realize it. I returned home and got a call from my friend Rachel who asked if I was alright. I was better than alright. I was great and it was all due to Dr. Allen. She told me she was going to send me some emails I had sent her; emails that I did not remember sending her. When I read them I had to agree with her. He had exceeded his authority by hypnotizing me against my will. Actually, against my express wishes NOT to hypnotize me. Time to find another therapist. Which was too bad as I really liked him. That was when I was introduced to the new hypnotist named Angela.
I got an email from Dr. Allen about a week later. I’d missed my follow-up appointment with him. Good, this would give me an opportunity to tell him why I was switching therapists and let him down softly. To tell him I had decided to see another therapist.
I began to read his email.
I am so sorry for what I did to you the other day. It was not right for me to hypnotize you against your will and I apologize profusely. But I want you to know. I was so worried for you. You are rapid cycling in your illness and that is something I know how to stop. It is dangerous for you to delay treatment.
As I write this I am feeling like a shithead. Sorry, that is the wine talking. I'm human and I can get down sometimes. I feel very bad.
Rachel called me and said you were upset and she was upset. Can you forgive me? Can you give me another chance? I really am extremely knowledgeable about your condition and I think, as a medical doctor, I could do so much more for you than a therapist with less experience. I promise you, you won't be disappointed if you give me a chance to make things right? Does that seem reasonable?
When my account got deleted, this email was also deleted. This is the email as I recall it.
I couldn't argue with the logic. Maybe my initial read on him was correct and he really was a wonderful doctor. He certainly seemed to be genuine and a very nice person.
Hi Dr. Allen,
I was going to change doctors, but you seem like a good person. I would like to see you again, but only if you promise not to hypnotize me without my consent. Will you agree to that?"
He immediately replied, "Absolutely. Thank you Lydia."
He wasn't so bad. Yes, I would have another session with him. Rachel just needed to understand that he got a little carried away. It happens to the best of us. I called Rachel and she advised against me seeing him again. She didn't trust him. Her problem with him is that he had allowed me to masturbate in front of him in order to bring out my alter, submissive Lydia (subLydia). She had a good point.
I really did think he could help me though, so I suggested a compromise. So far he had demonstrated nothing but honorable intentions. Angela could always search my mind later to find out if he did anything inappropriate. Rachel was cool with that, so that is what I did.
I showed up for my appointment. He had scheduled me for the last visit of the day so that he could spend extra time with me if needed. I felt really good about this. Maybe Dr. Allen would be the one that could finally bring some semblance of normalcy into my life. I wanted to ask him about ketamine for PTSD. I had read in one of my journals that doctors are finding great success with it.
"Good afternoon doctor. I am excited about getting my OSDD under control. Also, I'm sure you are aware of using ketamine for PTSD. Would that make sense for me?"
Yes Lydia, it would. It is funny you should ask as that is exactly one of the treatments I was going to recommend. The only problem is infusion centers are very expensive. Do you have insurance?"
“I believe PTSD from that time is responsible for your mental health issues, but you were also in the foster care system until you were four. Since you were removed from the foster parents, that makes me wonder if that was also a factor.” Dr. Allen paused… looking at me, studying me. I felt a little uneasy.
"I'll tell you what Lydia. I can infuse ketamine in my office. No charge. It is not something I often do, but for you I would be happy to make an exception. I think it would really help."
"Wow. You would do that for me? Thank you. Thank you so much doctor."
Dr. Allen had me lay down and he started an I.V.
"It will take the ketamine 5-10 minutes to act on the central nervous system and then we can begin a hypnosis session. Is that ok with you?"
I will be monitoring your vital signs. Ketamine is a very safe dissociative anesthetic, but it can raise blood pressure. If I notice your blood pressure is spiking, I will give you some Ativan to help relax you and bring it down."
I could feel the ketamine. I was feeling... dissociated. And very calm and at peace.
I opened my eyes to Dr. Allen speaking. “… five, fully awake, feeling wonderful. You did very well Lydia. I think your PTSD will respond very well to ketamine."
"How do you feel?"
"I feel fantastic. Wow. That ketamine really works. I would like to schedule another appointment if you have an opening."
He did, but my sessions would have to be at the end of the day. He was booked and was making special allowance for me. I scheduled my follow-up visits, thanked the doctor and departed. It was almost 7 pm. A two hour session. It seemed like only 10 minutes had passed. I thought to myself, I like being hypnotized by Dr. Allen. He is like a father figure. The ketamine was also great. I can see myself making great progress with it.
I didn't remember much from the session. Probably enjoyed the ketamine a little too much... I did have a dream while under ketamine sedation. It was a.... sex dream? Sex therapy? That rang a bell.
Everything was hazy. I think the dream was with TM. But it was already fading as my dreams tended to do. Dr. Allen was the right doctor for me. He seemed to really know his stuff. He was much older than me, but he was attractive for an older man. Very much an alpha male and very much in control. He could hypnotize me any time! Now I had to tell Rachel... and Blakley and Angela that I was going to stick with him. That was not a conversation I was looking forward to.
I made a quick trip to the ladies' room to pee before driving home. I dropped my panties and noticed a discharge. Shit. Now I'm getting a yeast infection? Why can't I catch a break? Maybe Dr. Allen could call in a prescription for Diflucan. I will need to stop by the drug store to pick up some panty liners in any case. It's always something...
I got home and called Rachel. "Listen, you were all wrong about Dr. Allen. He is the consummate professional. It doesn't hurt that he is good looking too."
"He is too old for you. Has Angela probed your memories yet?"
"No. I'll give her a call."
I drove to Angela's apartment the following morning. She was burning incense and it was very dark in her apartment. She had beads hanging in the doorway, separating a few of the rooms. It reminded me of some 60's hippie hangout. She offered me some tea before our session. I remember how relaxed I suddenly felt.
"What is in the tea?"
"It's my own special concoction to help my subject relax. I know you suddenly think the world of your shrink, but before you two go off and elope, I want to take you deep and find out what he did while rummaging through your mind. I’m with your friend Rachel. I don’t trust him."
"Ok, I’m game. Actually I’m human and not suitable for consumption.” Wtf? What did she put in my tea? I was rambling, free associating. I am kind of fucked up. I looked up at her and she had a silly grin on her face. She was enjoying my confusion.
Angela started talking and the next thing I realized I was laying on her bed wearing only my bra and panties. Two hours had passed.
And she was wearing only her panties and bra.
"Why are we partially undressed? Why am I on your bed?"
"It's warm in my apartment. The air conditioner doesn't work and I knew you would be more comfortable out of your heavy clothes. Same for me. This does feel more comfortable, doesn't it?"
"Yes." I had to agree with her. Her explanation seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.
Thinking back on this and based on some other things, our session was not completely innocent.
"I found out everything that happened to you during your therapy session. He gave you ketamine and you and he had a little 'sex therapy'. I don't think you are going to like what you are about to hear. He had his way with you. "
"What do you mean? Sex?"
"I can't believe it. If so, I totally misjudged him."
"I will make you remember every single detail, but I don't want to overwhelm you. I will have the memories playback like a video in your mind."
"That is a pretty advanced hypnotic skill. You know more about hypnosis than I give you credit for."
"Yes. I'm actually quite good at it." Angela grasped my hand in hers and said, "Remember!"
The memories began to cascade into my conscious mind.
Nothing particularly noteworthy and then I got to the part where the ketamine kicks in and I zone out. I remember myself saying, "I feel it doctor. Very relaxed. Wow. This is nice."
The memories were crystal clear. It was like I was reliving them. I was reliving them.
I heard Dr. Allen's voice as if I was sitting in his office. Right there, right now.
"Very good Lydia. Totally relaxed, feeling wonderful. I want you to know I read some of your stories on ReadOnlyMind in order to prepare for our session today. You are an excellent writer. I think I understand what is important to your subconscious and I know how to help you. First, I am going to have you relax very deeply for me. As you relax, I am going to manifest your alter subLydia so that I can visit with her. I want you to pay very close attention to my words."
I remembered everything, perfectly.
"No problem... Fuck. This shit is awesome."
He continued, "I want you to take a slow deep breath for me and let yourself relax. Totally relax.
"I'm relax. Totally relaxed. I promise."
Dr. Allen did the standard boring clinical induction on me. Unnecessarily drawn out. But it worked. I was definitely in 'lala land'.
I heard Angela interrupt my thoughts. “Don’t let your memory of his induction hypnotize you now. Remain awake as you relive the experience.”
That was smart. As the memories flooded in, I actually felt myself slipping into trance again. Wake up Lydia. Resume.
Dr. Allen’s voice comes back into focus. "Lydia, I want you to imagine that you are reading a sexy story. Imagine that you are reading a seduction. What kind of seduction makes you aroused?"
"Wha doesn't make me aroused? I love it when a powerful alpha male takes me and has his way with me. I love feeling him pull aside my panties and roughly grab my pussy."
"Very good Lydia. You are speaking very expressively. I want you to describe a sexual encounter. It can be a fantasy you have imagined, an actual encounter or a story you have read. Describe every detail, honestly. Hold nothing back."
"I like fantazy. In my fantazy, my imaginink Mark.”
I remember my slurred speech. I was surprised by how well I could remember despite the effects of the ketamine.
I continue describing my fantasy. “I begin writing him again. I convince him to talk to me. He begins to send me trances. I become so aroused reading his words. I am wearing a sheer red silk dress. Mark lifts the straps off my shoulders. My dress falls to my ankles. I am naked. He holds me in his arms. He hugs me. He protecs me. He is my master. I bow down to him and kiss his feet. I wish he was here now. I would show him I could be his good girl. His perfect girl."
"You're doing good Lydia. Keep describing."
"He tells me to rise and he kisses me on the lips. Then he cups my breasts. His tongue circles my nipples. They are so hard for him. He suckles them. I wish I had milk for him. Then he moves down to my pussy. He feels how wet I am for him. He scoops me up and carries me to his bed. I watch him as he undresses. I am delirious with arousal. He pushes my legs apart and he kisses my pussy. It feels so good."
"Very good Lydia. Now listen closely to me. We are going to start sex therapy today. This will help you with your sexual compulsions. I am going to continue this fantasy, describing exactly what you are feeling. You are so aroused now that you desperately want me to continue. Your mind sees me as a powerful alpha male. You are feeling very submissive and you want me to control you. I am Mark. I am your master. Your only purpose is to serve and obey me. You know this for a fact and you will experience your master making love to you. You will experience this as a waking dream, as if you are having actual sex here and now. Do you understand?"
"Yes master, I understand."
"You are still wearing clothes Lydia. You only thought you got undressed. Stand up now and remove all of your clothes."
My memory plays it back like a movie. I remove my clothes as instructed and then Dr. Allen gets undressed. He has me stand and walks me to the couch. He has me sit down and spread my legs.
”Look at me Lydia. Describe what you see.”
”Oh master. You have such a nice erection. It is bobbing up and down with each beat of your heart. I am so wet for you. Please master, put your penis in me.”
I opened my eyes and 'stopped' remembering for a moment. "Oh my god. Did I tell you he got me naked and he got naked?"
"Yes. You told me a lot more than that."
I closed my eyes and resumed... remembering.
"I will fuck you soon Lydia, but first spread your legs wide for me."
In my mind I observe Dr. Allen licking my inner thighs, along and inside my labia. The sensations are intense. Then he moves to my slit.
I started whimpering, "Please master, please fuck me."
“Soon Lydia. I am very proud of you. You love being submissive to me. You are such a good girl.”
How did he know about my ‘good girl’ trigger?
He is licking my box. Up and down. He is touching and rubbing my clitoris. I'm about to come off the couch as I gyrate and move my hips to meet him. Then I experienced a hard orgasm.
"Oh fuckkkk. Oh, god… I'm cumming.”
A lot of grunting and animal noises. That is what I am. An animal.
“It’s so good!”
"Oh my god. Thank you master."
"You are welcome Lydia. Now you want me to enjoy an orgasm as well."
“Yes master. Tell me what you want me to do.”
"Spread your legs for me Lydia."
I had crossed them - drawn them together. I remembered this. The intensity of the orgasm had made me overly sensitive.
Remembering, reliving our 'sex therapy' was causing me to become aroused. Intensely aroused.
I spread my legs as instructed. I remember him hesitating at my entrance. Almost like he was teasing me before he finally dove in.
I let out a gasp. “Oh shit. Fuck, that's good. Right there master. Harder. Just like that. Yes, yes. Harder.”
This continued for another couple of minutes. He was thrusting furiously, rocking me back and forth. Then I heard myself say, "I feel you cumming in me.”
I wrapped my legs around his waist and held him into me. “You are going to make me cum again!”
The realization of him plastering my cervix with hot sperm was the trigger that made me orgasm a second time. "Oh shit. Oh fuck. I'm cumming!”
“Oh master. I love how you feel inside me. Oh god. I love you master."
I suddenly realized I was rubbing myself in front of Angela and re-experiencing the orgasm all over again… in front of her. How embarrassing.
”Resume remembering Lydia. Resume the experience.”
I remembered as he emptied his ball sac. The last few pumps of sperm deposited deep into my vault. Then he slowly pulled out. “Clean off my dick with your mouth.” I obeyed him and was happy to do so. Then he got dressed and helped me dress.
"Lydia, listen to me carefully. I just induced a dream with you and the person you call master. We just engaged in sex dream therapy. It was all a dream. You can see how easily your subconscious can be seduced by your arousal. You can only trust me to help you with your sex addiction. This person called The Traveling Master is not what you need. It is not what you want. He is happily married and will only bring you sorrow. You only think you love him. That is infatuation. You do not really love him. What you are discovering is that I am, in many ways, like your master. Kind, gentle and I only want to help you and make you better. You will start to have feelings for me and that is normal. It's called transference. I want you to tell me when you experience these feelings so that we can talk about them. You understand everything I'm saying, right?
"Yes, I understand.”
“What will your infatuation with The Traveling Master bring you?"
“It will only bring me sorrow."
"I am stopping the ketamine drip. You have done very well. You have made such progress. You will tell Rachel how wonderful I am and how much I am helping your condition. If she tries to change anything in your therapy you will politely thank her and tell her you are fine. You will remember that you had a dream about your master, but the dream is already fading. You will remember nothing else of today’s session. I will have you remember some sessions and others I will make you forget. That is part of your sex therapy and you understand and accept this. Do you understand?"
"You will be unable to stop thinking about how much you enjoyed our session. You know in your heart that sex therapy is exactly what you need. You will want to come back twice weekly for therapy sessions. You will make time in your schedule to see me Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5pm. Is that clear?"
”Are you on birth control?”
”No. I’m not sexually active right now”
”You will start birth control. The estrogen from the pill will help your mind think clearer in our sessions. On your way home, you will pick up Plan B from the pharmacy and take it. You will not think about this or wonder about it. You will just decide you should do it. After you take it, you will forget all about it. Do you understand?”
”Yes. I understand.”
"Good girl. Now on the count of 5 you will fully awaken, feeling wonderful. Better than you have felt in a very long time. One, coming around, two, slowly waking up. Three, feeling great. Four, waking up. Five, fully awake, feeling wonderful."
"How do you feel?"
"I feel fantastic. Wow. That ketamine really works. Can I see you again?"
Yes. I will make room to see you twice weekly for the next several sessions. What works best for you?"
"Tuesdays and Thursdays would be nice. Same time, 5pm?"
"Yes, Lydia, same time."
I opened my eyes. Angela was looking down at me with a concerned look on her face. I was upset, but not as upset as I should be. I was angry at Dr. Allen and I was angry at myself. I became aroused as I remembered the sensations, the sex and the orgasm. And I relived the orgasm. What is wrong with me?
I just relived having sex with my psychiatrist. It was like I was in a waking dream. A real life porn video and I was the star. This merry go round of being taken advantage of has to stop. I thought to myself, what do I do?
Do I call Rachel and tell her? She will think I'm an idiot for trusting him. Do I tell the authorities? Will they even believe me? Do I tell Dr. Allen that I think he is taking sex therapy too far? Do I forget the whole thing and just never go back to see him?
Is there any chance that this is legitimate? Some new age sex therapy and it can help me?
Surprisingly, there are forms of sex therapy that include sex. It’s known as surrogate partner therapy and it is legitimate therapy.
I know the ketamine can help my PTSD and I really, really like it. Can I justify this sex therapy in order to receive ketamine treatments for free?
I’m just so confused, I don’t know what to think. The answer doesn't seem to be binary. At least not to me. If I report him, I will ruin the man. He has his career, his reputation, his marriage, his children. Who am I to destroy his life? Have I not in my past ‘succubus’ life given in to temptation and had sex with someone I hypnotized? Of course I have. What is the difference?
Think, what you would do if you were in my shoes?