Dr. Allen ushered me into his office. "So Lydia, I got a call from your friend Rachel who said you were, in her words, 'out of control.' What can you tell me about that?"
Btw, much of this 'initial' conversation is accurate, at least from my recollection. I recalled what the doctor and I talked about after I was subsequently hypnotized by a girl named Angela and told to remember.
I was rapid cycling at this time. I really was out of control. "I met a wonderful man on a hypnokink forum. He is a writer like myself and his words are magical. While emailing with him, he intervened to save me from another hypnotist who wanted me to read a written trance he had sent me. If I had read that trance, the way my mind responds to suggestion, I would have been flying out to meet him… to be his sex toy."
Dr. Allen's expression barely registered anything. I figured this would blow his mind, but I discovered that he specializes in the sort of mental health issues I have and this sort of story is not uncommon. "Please continue."
"Well, I was grateful to The Traveling Master for saving me from this rogue hypnotist named David L. Here is an excerpt from my analysis of the covert text induction sent to me by David L.
"In retrospect, having looked more closely at this clever induction script, I would have succumbed to it. At that point he could have deepened his control with other trances that he would compel me to read. The final result being, I would eventually, fully surrender to his control and be compelled to fly out to meet him. I would have become his obedient sub to do with as he wished.
*This is why I know I must abandon my hypnofetsh. I’m a sitting duck for a malicious hypnotist.
TM saved me from myself. An ill intentioned hypnotist, if he gets past my guard, can cause me a lot of grief. The Traveling Master apparently got into my head, but from everything I read and understand, he is one of the ‘good guys’. His intentions seem entirely honorable and I wanted Rachel and my therapist to see that. They did not share my opinion.
I began to submit to The Traveling Master. He started hypnotizing me and I fell deliriously in love with him. My submissive side (my alter) was having the time of her life."
In my emails to TM, recounted here, I admit to falling head over heels for him. I am the 1% of the general population that is highly suggestible and highly hypnotizable.
"I can say for certain, I would have done anything for TM. If he had told me to drop everything and fly out to see him so that we might make love, I would have done it. I had fully surrendered to him. He was my master. But he had better self control than me. He told me that he was faithful to his wife and that we would never have sex in real life. That realization was like a gut punch."
I wrote parts of this story before having my memory wiped. I remember the conversation, but not the feelings.
"Do you feel that submissiveness now?"
"Not this instant. I have DID, which I know you know all about, so I flip into my alter with little provocation. I can become submissive Lydia after reading a highly erotic story or if I experience strong emotions. TM's stories are pretty much guaranteed to make me want to masturbate and subLydia (and I) get to have a nice orgasm. Unless we are fighting, or whatever, I almost always remember what she does when she takes control."
"Lydia, I want you to manifest subLydia for me. What is the best way to do that?"
"If I read one of Mark's stories, she will likely show up. She loves a good erotic yarn."
"Why don't you do that for me."
I opened one of his stories and started to read.
I do not remember any specifics of his stories and I am now 'forbidden' to read them - they trigger me, so I will do my best to describe what happened next.
I recall becoming aroused as I was reading. I was unaware that Dr. Allen was in the same room, laser focused as I was on the words in the story. I put my hand under my dress and began to rub myself.
I remember having a wonderful orgasm, just like I always did, when I read The Traveling Master stories.
At the time, I did not think anything was out of the ordinary about rubbing one out. I scarcely realized the doctor was there. In retrospect I wonder if he turned away or if he should have interrupted me. He did succeed in manifesting subLydia, so his suggestion worked. I believe my disregard for propriety and decorum might have been one of the driving factors for him wanting to hospitalize me for a short time.
I enjoyed an orgasm and SubLydia did make herself known. "That was fucking awesome. Goddamn that boy can write."
"Who am I talking to?"
"Lydia. Who the fuck do you think you are talking to?"
"Is this subLydia?"
"Look, I don't like that label. I just happen to like to fuck. What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing. So how do you feel about the writer known as Traveling Master? Does he have a first name?"
"Lydia calls him Mark. I call him master. Do you want to know why? Because he is my master. I know you don't approve, but what's so wrong with having a master? Especially a master as loving and kind as my master."
"I don't think that is healthy. Can I speak to Lydia? What does she think?"
"Lydia agrees with you. What the fuck does she know?"
"I think Lydia is an anchor for you. You are an important, integral part of Lydia, but she helps ground you and makes sure you can function in society without getting in too much trouble. You should listen to her. Together you can be so happy and accomplish so many wonderful things."
"Uhhh, ok. I think you made your point doctor. I'm back now. Way to talk her down."
I paused to collect my thoughts. "I remember everything. I wasn't in control, but I remember."
"Lydia, you need to be hospitalized until we can get better control of your alters. I'm especially alarmed that you think some random hypnotist might be able to hypnotize you to have sex with him. Do you worry about that?"
"Yes." I had to admit I did worry about that.
I agreed to a short stay in the hospital. I was released after two days, supposedly with a better grip on reality. Dr. Allen hypnotized me while I was an inpatient. I do not remember specific details, but I felt like I had a better handle on things when I left. Because of my history of psychotropic drug use and the fact that I had only on rare occasions experienced a fugue state, Dr. Allen decided my diagnosis was probably closer to OSDD than DID. He also diagnosed me with depression. I started on Zoloft and it has helped raise my spirits, which I think were probably crushed after I was told I would have to forget TM.
It is a little weird to write about these feelings with regard to TM since don't remember them now.
I was told not to write or read any erotic stories until I could be reassessed at my next appointment. Dr. Allen wanted to make sure subLydia did not get an opportunity to re-manifest. I was also told to limit my contact with my fans, readers, and, of course, The Traveling Master. I was not what you would call a compliant patient. I started emailing him again and it just kind of slowly escalated. It was not TM's fault when I 'relapsed'. From everything I have read and understand, I pushed him to start emailing me again. I can be very persuasive and I finally got him to open back up to me. We got hot and bothered with our hypno-play and subLydia came alive.
One of my biggest problems seems to be, I can’t help but feel sexually attracted to alpha males that dominate me. Hypnosis is the purest form of domination.