This is so hard for me. I’m crying as I write this
Sat, Jul 24, 11:02 AM (1 day ago)
The last 24 hours has been a whirlwind. Thank you for the wonderful trance. Your induction was perfect. I remember most of it now. I've looked at the sanctuary page you created just for me and I know if I reread your induction, I will be right back where I was yesterday... clueless. The arousal you create in me is tangible and powerful. Hypnosis is not only real, but it is powerful. It can be a force for good or evil. David L. was the 'dark side'. You are my knight in shining armor and a force for all that is good.
But, I'm getting distracted. My friend (Rachel), who is also a psychologist, was curious about the mysterious stranger I had been texting with last night. I showed her some of our emails and the sanctuary page. I didn't think she would be so alarmed.
She admonished me that what I was doing was extremely harmful. I have a dissociative disorder probably related to prior trauma I experienced as a teen. I also have PTSD from that time. My tendency to go very deeply into trance is somehow related to this I think. It seems 1-2% of the adult population, mainly female, suffer from this. Hypnosis exacerbates it. I have a dominant and a submissive side.
This is a very good resource to explain what I live with. I'm not happy about it, but it is what it is. Like a disability. https://did-research.org
I seem to be sliding down a very slippery slope right now. Rachel thinks I'm out of control and I can hardly argue with her. She called and got me in to be seen Monday. I have some coping mechanisms, but they are failing me. In the meantime I promised her I would stop engaging in hypnotic play, writing hypnoeroticism and role playing - or in my case - living the role. Dom Lydia is my core host who generally keeps me in line if I studiously avoid temptation.
I care for you - deeply. You need to know the painful truth. You are a remarkable person, a brilliant writer and you will be a wonderful hypnotist soon. If as part of my treatment I must stop writing, so be it. If I am required to delete all my stories from ROM, I would ask that you save (and savor) ours. Writing with you was very special to me. I hope my therapist will allow me to continue seeing you, both in collaboration writing and as my master. You are trustworthy. I know that.
When I said my subconscious gets equal billing with my conscious, that is what this is. Different personalities that manifest. I have some control over this, but that dissolves when I'm hypnotized.
Please read up on dissociative disorders. It is not something I would wish on anyone. I do realize I am in trouble and I am getting help.
Rachel will be checking in with me daily until I am evaluated. Then maybe I can dip my toes back into the water. I don't know. My therapist will provide that guidance.
There is much more known about this disorder today. First it is much more common than previously recognized. Except in extreme cases, you rarely know a person even has it. I would venture to say many subs in hypnofetish have, at a minimum, a mild form. Mine is kind of moderate, at least lately.
I am so sorry Mark that you got caught up in my pathetic reality/fantasy world. That is what this is for me. I can't always tell what is real and what I imagined - or was suggested to me. I'm a slave to it. I don't want to be, but I can't always help myself. I realize this and I need help. I am so sorry. You are blessed to have a loving wife and children. Don't forget that. Don't lose that. If I am not allowed to live an alter ego vicariously with you, then please try and forget I ever existed. I'm no good for you or anyone. Please just remember the sweet moments we shared.
I must never know your real name or where you live. I love you and I can't be tempted to ever be with you. That is only for my dreams and imagination. I know men can fall victim to their hormones and if I because of my own weakness fucked up your life, I would kill myself. Please know you are worthy of all God's love and goodness. Do not worry about me. I will be alright. I promise.
Sat, Jul 24, 11:46 AM (1 day ago)
Are you ok? Tell me you are ok. Please.
Sat, Jul 24, 11:49 AM (1 day ago)
I am so incredibly SORRY Lydia. I never meant to push things so far. I hope you believe me when I say this.
Of course. you must do what is best for you. ALWAYS.
Take all our emails and all our induction talks and show anyone you trust. Please have someone you trust work on the trance I gave you. I want to be sure they remove the sleep trigger. I have no clue if it is effective or not, but I want you to be free of it just the same.
Part of me is so happy you decided to share this with someone that can help you. Truly. I could feel that you were slipping down the slippery slope of submission and I was actually in the process of writing an induction for you that made you stop of sorts. I wanted to be sure you were still in control and the induction was based on your feelings of freedom and dominance. I want you to read it and feel confident and strong to be free of me and my influence. I wanted it to be a sort of safeguard for you if you started to feel too submissive.
I guess you already were... Again... I'm so sorry my dearest Lydia...
And of course, my heart broke knowing I caused you to cry. Cause you to fall like this. Like I've said so many times before, I respect both your wonderful selves.
As you can imagine. I'm not feeling good about myself right now. I should have seen more of the signs and suppressed my happy joy to have finally found a person like you.
As for my life. You do not need to worry at all. You are not a home wrecker and I never imagined that you would. I'm used to living a double life and meeting you in person NEVER crossed my mind. Like I said in the other email, my off line life comes before anything else. That will never change. My personal life is too important to me. Take what you will from this of course. I only offered you to know my real name (just my first name of course) in an attempt to offer you something personal of myself. You trusted me and I wanted to trust you.
I sincerely hope you get all the help you need and center yourself. I hope your dominant self can recover control easily and that our intense interactions won't leave you with scars...
God... I would feel supremely BAD if that happened. I hope you believe me.
I'm sad, but that is normal I assure you. I've been invested in this collaboration turned hypnotic connection and I will cherish it fondly. Sadness is a healthy emotion I'm told....
If I am too toxic for your mental well being, then I will remove myself.
I will remove your special sanctuary unless you say you need it. If you need to show my inductions to someone else, by all means, I encourage you to do so. I have nothing to hide and only have the very best intentions for you and that incredible mind of yours. I'll wait 2 days before I do because I want to be completely transparent to everything you had access to while we explored.
I will NOT email you again. Not until YOU decide to write to tell me it is ok to answer you. Otherwise, this will be my last email otherwise.
If you are told that it would be better to never contact me again and that it would be best if the temptation is completely removed and I need me to block you, I will without hesitation. If I represent too much of a temptation, I will block your email. You can block mine, but as we've seen with David, you can always choose to unblock it. If I do it as well, then you will not be able to be tempted to contact me. If that is what you need. I won't even respond and block you immediately.
I won't though... Not unless you tell me too under the supervision of a friend. The reason is that I would like, if that is ok, to know that you are ok. If you don't explicitly say that you allow me to write back, then I won't respond. Even to say I am happy you got better.
I'm so disappointed in myself for being caught up in my own excitement. It just goes to show that I was right to suppress my curiosity about hypnosis. I'm not trained enough and should have seen the signs before it got too intense... I'm truly sorry Lydia.
You say I am worthy, but I can't help but feel like I wasn't. I should not have indulged you Lydia. I am deeply sorry that I did.
You deserve to be your full glorious self and I thought I was helping you accept your submissive feelings in a positive way. I truly believed that our interactions were helping you deal with the part of yourself that craves to submit. Submission can be beautiful and doesn't have to me dark and traumatizing. I just wanted to show that it could be so... I always said that a strong person is needed to submit and a submissive person is needed to be a good Dom. I thought we were experiencing something beautiful and healthy.
How wrong I was...
It breaks my heart to do this , but I must if it can help you get better. YOU MUST GET BETTER.
I, the Traveling Master, Hereby REVOKE your submission to me. I am no longer your master. You are completely free of the feelings of submission you feel towards me.
Farewell my dear Lydia...
The Traveling Master.
Sat, Jul 24, 12:01 PM (1 day ago)
You are a saint. You are so good. You didn't do anything to me. I did it to myself.
I am going to be very sad for a while. Unless I am told otherwise, I would like to stay in touch. As a friend.
Rachel will probably be mad at me for texting you, but she doesn't know you like I do. I see my therapist Monday. I will share with her the wonderful person you are and perhaps she will allow me to keep talking to you. Until then,
Sat, Jul 24, 12:12 PM (1 day ago)
One last thing so you better understand where I'm coming from. If you read in my Trials and Tribulations, you read that I kept going back for more abuse. Traumatic bonding is the explanation for this. https://did-research.org/origin/d-attachment/traumatic_bonding
It also explains my interest and fixation on sex trafficking.
Au revoir again. Last time, promise.
Sat, Jul 24, 12:39 PM (23 hours ago)
I'm going to break my promise just this once until and only IF you are allowed to talk to me again.
Please... Stop yourself Lydia... It is just as hard for me as it is for you to stop myself from emailing you...
I want you simply to know that I knew all about your trauma and that is why I feel so bad about indulging you. I should have known better. I just hope your therapy doesn't conclude that I was such a traumatic bond...
I only wanted to help you deal with David L. Maybe before that event, things could have stayed tame between us. But, since in your mind I 'saved' you from him, I should have known that you would bond with me... To a traumatized person, a savior figure is like catnip... I was worried for you and felt incredibly strong emotions that blinded me to what was happening with you.
I'm not a psychologist, but I should have known all the same...
Don't forget to talk about that event with your therapist... It will surely help them understand what happened between us.
I don't want you to worry about me. I'll be fine once my mind processes everything and I stop feeling adrift...
Now I only want you to get better.
So please... Don't tease us both by trying to make me feel better. Not until it is safe and allowed for you to contact me again...
My heart is heavy, but I'm confident you will be better soon so I know it will lift up and soar once more.
So until then... Please don't tempt me to break my promise again.
Au revoir ma Belle Lydia.
The Traveling Master
Sat, Jul 24, 12:42 PM (23 hours ago)
PPS: sorry.. forgot to add this and clicked send too soon.
I feel so sad that a caring person can be so bad for a person that needs it... Like pandora's box...
Done for real now... Safe travels Lydia
Sat, Jul 24, 1:01 PM (23 hours ago)
I added something to the last of my trials and tribulations about dissociative disorders.
And a tribute to you. I will let you know how my visit goes. Please keep up your sanctuary site for now.
You are not bad for me. Other doms perhaps, but not you. Your wife has no idea how lucky she is to have you in her life. Or maybe she does.
Love yourself. You are worthy of love as am I. I will look to God for strength when I need it. My writing was clearly taking me away from his glory and goodness. Good bless you Mark.
There is no need to reply. Thank you for being in my life, if ever so briefly.
Sat, Jul 24, 1:02 PM (23 hours ago)
I have to correct this. It is important to me. God bless you Mark.