Confessions... My heart is broken, but I must do this...
Sat, Jul 24, 8:52 PM (16 hours ago)
I am a worthless human being... I strive to be kind, gentle, thoughtful and 'heroic'. But the truth is... I am not... Well not in the pure sense I strive for... A saint? God bless me? No... I don't deserve it...
Even now, writing this email, I am YET AGAIN, breaking my promise to you. I'm sorry...
I'm not writing this to get a response...
I'm writing this to you to make things right in my mind. Because even though I feel like crap and don't deserve to be praised, I still want you to be ok. Clear headed. Strong.
I want to give you everything you need to be able to judge yourself and our collaboration. I want to be completely honest with you and I want to be sure you remember this. Because I sure didn't remember... Or maybe I did... I'm not sure anymore...
I was going through ALL our emails to 1 - find the story you sent me for the follow up on my vanilla ending. and 2 - I couldn't stop thinking about you... Specifically, why I had been so blind to the way you were slipping down this slippery slope.
What I found jogged my memory and reminded me that I broke one of the first promises I made to you. I don't deserve your trust. Like an idiot, I confidently, and solemnly, promised I wouldn't hypnotize you under any circumstance. That I would refuse if you asked me to hypnotize you. Which you eventually did... And I obviously didn't refuse...
I'm still trying to figure out my own emotions about this. How I got lost in our collaboration and play to a point where I forgot my promise. From what I am reading... It looks like you started to respond to my words and my kind nature.
You trusted me more and more while telling me how aroused you were. How much your subconscious was responding to me. Somewhere along the way, I realized that my words were having an effect on you and instead of stopping us, I got curious and dove in.
I should have seen the signs... They were there, plain as day. Instead, I just patted myself on the back and thought that I just had incredible charisma. I can see now how I got hooked by your constant hints about how you feel submissive towards me and I jumped in.
It was all so gradual... And yet... So fast... I should have realized this before...
I was naive and thought that my emails wouldn't hypnotize you, that it was just playful fun and that possibly, your subconscious was responding to me. I told myself that you responded because you chose to respond to me. Now I'm not so sure...
Before my official first induction, you will see a few emails where I try to speak in a way to influence you. You were aware of it mind you, but in truth... I bet that is when I first hypnotized you... Or subconsciously controlled you? I don't know enough to be sure... Regardless...
I am truly sorry. My curiosity and attraction got the better of me. You've written in your afterword for 'Trials and tribulations' that you advise any hypnotist who gets aroused during an induction to stop. That was good advice...
I confess to you now that I've never actually had a sub before. Not really. I tried my hand at being a Dom for a follower back when I first got on tumblr, but my constant absence soon turned her off. I didn't get to explore and decided it was best for the subs if I never Dom anyone.
But when you started to offer your submission to me...
I was weak... I was hooked...
I can see that I constantly asked if the steps we were taking were ok with you and that calms me down. I tried to resist at least. But now that I know a little more about how suggestible you are, I can see that my innocent play and strong words might have slowly curved your responses to me. That and my stories...
Not to mention my emails after David's incident.
Web of hypnotic foreplay indeed...
So there... I broke my first promise to you. And worse, I broke the golden rule of D/s play. I never formally asked for your written consent for me to Dom you. Not really... I did ask you a few times... but not in a straightforward way. I just... Told you to call me whatever you were comfortable with calling me. That too was gradual...
But I should still have asked...
It is very confusing... But I can see it now.
I know that I haven't been bad for you, but I have been bad with myself. I once told you that I pride myself on being a man of my word. The fact that I broke such an important promise without asking you first is hell for me.
It might seem insignificant, but it is important. I didn't break your trust by abusing the control you gave me, but I broke your trust by going back on my promise without asking and hypnotizing you. Yes I didn't know I was truly doing it at first, but I still tried to flirt with the edge of it. And then you WANTED to feel my control and gave me the keys to the castle. I couldn't say no.
But I should have. Or at least waited... Let the excitement die down...
As bad as I feel... I KNOW I didn't cross any lines you didn't want to cross with me... I earned (I think... I'm not so sure as I see my forgot promise) your trust and only started to play gradually. Always looking for your reactions...
Good and Bad hypnotists, on the internet, use the same approach...
If a follower were to come to me, scared about the control someone had over them and showed me our emails... I would be concerned. Rachel had every right to be concerned.
I guess you can argue that it was all in the things I made you do with the control you gave me. That I always told you to show anyone you trust our emails so you feel safe. (Again... This could easily be seen as a bad dom worming his way in) You could argue that I never broke your trust and made you do things you didn't want to do...
And you are right... But this is the internet... For good or for worse, anything is possible.
Especially where hypnosis is at play... Which is why I initially promised you that I wouldn't hypnotize you. I wanted our interactions to be pure... Clear...
But then the David incident happened... I got emotional... Protective... I got caught up in the idea that I could protect you by being your anchor. That if you felt submissive towards me and you willingly gave yourself to me, I would be able to help protect you from the bad hypnotist lurking on the net...
The idea took shape after you admitted to me that your subconscious was 'keyed in' to me. That it wouldn't respond to others trying to influence it... I wanted to protect you and forgot all about my promise.
I found an email where I asked you if you wanted to give me a safeword. You never answered. I assumed you just didn't want to, but I should have insisted. A more experienced Dom would have insisted.
So there you go... I'm a Newbie Dom and a Newbie hypnotist.
Both of which are not worthy of you. Maybe my kind heart is worthy... but I don't think my skills are.
You are such an amazing woman. You've had a shitty past and sadly, it gave you mental scars and opened you up to more of them. Your recent transformation as you 'found the light' has made you a better human being than most on this indiferent home we call earth.
You deserve someone with the skills and knowledge to properly take care of you.
I was caught up in the beauty of finally experiencing true submission... a romantic sort of submission I fantasize and write about. I miss the signs and didn't properly do my job as a Dom.
If and only if you are told that it is safe to contact me after you see your therapist, I would like to seek your forgiveness.
If the future decides that we can still chat, then I will do my best to make up for my mistakes. Turn a new page and put this all behind me.
It breaks my heart to send you this... But I want to make sure you are aware and remember everything. After you see your therapist and if she says it's ok, please feel free to ask me anything you wish. I will answer ALL your questions to the best of my knowledge.
Part of me just realized that barely 5 days ago... We were just in the process of publishing our story... Feels like it was weeks ago...
Finally, here is a copy of the email I'm referencing where I promised not to hypnotize you... It was sent on the morning of July 19th under the email thread mc-diaries news. It was right after we posted our story.
My heart is broken, but I'll be ok. I'm just incredibly disappointed in myself. It will pass... Don't worry. I really do hope we can still talk after Monday...
But I understand if we can't and won't be mad.
Have pleasant dreams my dear Lydia...
The Traveling Master
PS: One last thing before I try to sleep. I'm going to add a post on your Special sanctuary. It is an email you didn't respond to this morning. It details all the induction I wrote for you and you experienced last evening. I explain every trick and every trigger I wanted to try on you without mentioning the actual trigger words, I didn't want to trigger you. I wanted your Dominant and hypnotist opinion on it. In fact, it should still be in your inbox.
I'm not uploading it to get a response, I'm uploading it so the people you trust can have a look at my reasoning.
Traveling Master <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Jul 19, 2021, 9:46 AM (5 days ago)
Like I've said. Real or not, I don't really mind or care. I totally get the 'real/fake' line you love to walk and that's what attracted me to your stories. And you. ;)
No. I certainly DON'T want or fantasize about you having my baby. The idea that you would be so aroused by me that you would want that is arousing. But it is just an idea. a fantasy. Besides... I've never been the type to fantasize about impregnating multiple women. Heck! I barely wanted to have children with my wife! My life was going along fine and if I had children, then I had children. If I didn't? Then I didn't. Simple as that.
Your constant references got me curious is all. ;)
I don't want you to reveal any more details. In fact. maybe it's best for me too? hahahaha Not to be an unwitting accomplice and all... Again, just curious why you would insist on stating that before sending me pictures...
If I can reassure you, I have NO intention of ever hooking up with you or anyone for that matter. I love my wife dearly and I could never bring myself to step out of our marriage. Fantasizing that I am free to do so is fun and intensely arousing, but I would never EVER do such a thing to the person I love. Especially the mother of my children.
So platonic is the only 'relationship' I will have with anyone. Especially someone from my hidden kink community.
I like you a lot and find your mind incredibly alluring. And well ok... If those pictures of you are truly you (No way to know of course and that's fine) Then you are one sexy and seductive woman.
If you haven't figured it out already with our exchanges and my writing. I pride myself on being a respectful Dom. Even if I find it arousing to picture myself with total noncon control, I could never bring myself to do such a thing. As proof, even in our collaboration, I had you remove my guilt and fears before I truly decided Mark was ready to indulge his desire for hypnotic control. I even had you tease him before that by seducing his darker self into first fucking you with the letter of consent.
I won't lie. All our correspondence has left me with fantasies of being able to use a trigger on you and see it take effect. Which you've done in your own way... Every time to write about how my story got in your head and you fell in a waking trance while fingering yourself, I've had this swell of pride and euphoria. So thank you for that.
NO I HAVEN'T TRIED TO PUT YOU UNDER!!! If you did, it was purely unintentional on my part. Like I said at the very beginning, I don't know much about real hypnosis and never figured my stories could actually put someone under.
I hope you know that your impression of me is correct. I am a kind and gentle soul. I just... Get off on control.
So here is my promise. Hopefully Julie, Doug or others that might monitor you email will read this. Well... If people ARE monitoring your email anyway...
I PROMISE to never try to put you under (Not convinced I could anyway) Even if you one day offer it to me so I can try. I won't. You've been through too much and I want what's best for you. Truly. Abuse is bad and that's why I feel so such shame and guilt to be aroused by such stories. Since you obviously went through a lot. I won't indulge myself are you for that matter. I just won't. Please, if you fear I am trying to bait you, I encourage you to show this to anyone you trust. I, the Traveling Master, Will not agree to put you under un any circumstances.
Not sure what more I can say to calm and reassure you... Please feel free to ask me anything you wish. Heck... I encourage it! ;)
9:37 AM (3 hours ago)
I started this thread this morning, but got distracted. Never sent it.
Yes, this irritates me (Lydia). It is your self deprecating that is so endearing. If you want me not to be so easily influenced then stop cutting yourself down. Because then I have to build you up. And that sucks me back in. Even now I feel like I want to surrender to you. Stop it Lydia.
I'm 'hanging up' now.
9:38 AM (3 hours ago)
Stop it Lydia. Stop being mean. My submissive side wants to play, but I'm shutting her down. Sorry.
9:46 AM (3 hours ago)
I would appreciate that.
You don't need to build me up. I'm fine.
Sub Lydia, please go away now. I'm talking with Dom Lydia. Stop interrupting.
I am not to be saved. I felt doubt, I felt bad. All normal things.
The night was good for me. The gentleman in me just wanted to make sure you remembered all that and my promise. And also that I never tried to trick you. That is all.
It was late last night and I felt bad and needed to vent.
Starting now. I won't do that again. Not with any of you (Joke) I have my own dealing mechanisms and although it was refreshing to be able to be so open with you, I'll stop because it clearly calls up your submissive side.
So no worries my dear.
Now shut that bitch down and concentrate on your Dominant self. It needs to be fully awake so it can write about good and bad doms (Like David). No one will want to read it if Sub Lydia in pinning and blabbering about submission. Yad yada...
Your readers expect DomLydia when they read.